Okay, so you know the marshmallow fluff that comes in a squeeze bottle that you put on ice cream or what have you? It's all sticky and gooey and light. Yeah, this chapter is exactly like that. Also, if you aren't old enough to have really uncomfortable doctors visits, you should probably consider hitting the back button and setting your ratings filter back to "K-T". This is M for a reason.

Joker spun around in his chair as Shepard walked into the cockpit. "You know Commander, I'm not real broke up that Wrex isn't coming. I'm good with our current amount of headbutting. I'd say we're at headbutting capacity."

"I don't know," Shepard leaned against the railing, "I enjoy headbutting a Krogan every now and again."

"Yeah, I heard about your antics down there, Grunt seemed to think it was hilarious." He shrugged, "Grunt is... not a stabilizing element, Commander."

"Meh," she shrugged, "I think he might be doing a little better. He still wants to kill everything, but at least he feels good about it now."

Joker raised his eyebrows. "Yes, because that's such a comfort."

"I know, right?" She said with a grin. "Anyways, I didn't bring him along because of his poetry recitations. When Grunt runs out into battle yelling 'I. Am. Krogan.' all the bad guys turn and look. Then I can shoot them in the back. Very convenient."

"Well, as long as they're shooting at him instead of you, I guess he's okay."

"Aw, Joker," she said lightly, "you do care."

Joker gave her a crooked half smile. "You know that I find you beautiful and desirable-"

Shepard cut in, "Of course you do, I'm gorgeous." She gave him a silly, sultry look and pretended to adjust her hair.

"Indeed you are," he said. "Look, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but, are you sure this is a good idea?"

Shepard stood up straight. "Yes, I'm sure. I'm very sure. Joker, the only thing stopping me from dragging you up to my quarters right now and jumping your bones is, ironically, your bones." She knelt down and took his hand. "I eat impossible tasks for breakfast. This isn't even impossible, okay? It's just complicated. We'll work it out."

He took her hand in both of his. "Nothing is impossible to you. You are gorgeous... and talented, intelligent, resourceful, charming... There are no such things as limits in your life; my life is constantly defined by my limitations. Even if we do work out a way to be intimate, we will always be constrained by my condition."

"Joker, I don't mind. It's not like I've been having lots of crazy sex and I'm giving it up. I've long since learned to take care of my own needs. Even if all we can do is watch each other masturbate, I'd be content."

"You say that now," Joker looked down at their hands. "I understand that with everything that's going on, the idea of starting from scratch with someone new would seem exhausting. And of course, currently, you're limited to the selection of men on the Normandy. But that won't always be the case."

Shepard started to speak but Joker cut her off, "No, I'm sorry, but I need to finish. I care about you, this isn't something trivial to me. I don't mean to be melodramatic, this isn't some sort of ultimatum, 'forever or nothing', but... I can't ..." Joker paused to search for words. Shepard sat perfectly still, waiting. "Look, if we just stop now and pretend this didn't happen, or if you eventually broke it off because it turned out we're not compatible ... if we get involved, and you eventually leave me because of my Vroliks, well, I'd rather just never get started than face that possibility."

He tried to pull his hands back but Shepard held on. "Joker, I won't lie to you, I want to eat you up like a yummy snack cake." She laid her cheek against his knee and smiled up at him until he made eye contact. "But that's just desert, I come for the meat and the potatoes." She sat up and looked at him squarely, "I'm thinking this through as I go along so forgive me if it comes out kind of rough... What I want, what I want most is to build a life with you. I mean, I look out at the future, and, well, the view is pretty bleak from here. It's just, it seems easier to envision a path through this mess with you at my side. I don't want a wall of Reapers to be all I can dream of. I want to hope for a future where you and I get to see a little peace together. I'm tired of just fighting against the Reapers; you give me something to fight for instead. And, I know, we're at war, there's nothing guaranteed about the future. I already died once, it could happen again. Hell, we could both get blown up and then it wouldn't matter. And if you don't want to do anything physical, I understand, I just, I get lonely, and I don't want there to be artificial boundaries between us and I-"

Joker put his hands on either side of her face. "Shush, Shepard, it's okay." He kissed her.

A data pad clattered to the floor. Joker and Shepard turned in time to see Kelly Chambers' hurried retreat back to the CIC.

"Fire up the rumor mill." Joker said, "There goes your clean record."

"Eh, let them talk," Shepard said. "I'm not ashamed. I'm a human, not a robot, of course I want to kiss the cutest boy on board."

"Yeah, yeah, that's what you think now," Joker shook his head, "but by this time tomorrow, someone on this boat will honestly believe that we got caught having crazy monkey sex in front of the crew if you don't go talk to Chambers now and get out in front of it."

Shepard grinned, "Crazy monkey sex, huh?"

"You can take her the data pad she dropped and just mention to her that she's the only one who knows and we'd prefer to keep the talk to a minimum. It will make her feel special... and it will tell her that we'll know it was her if this gets out."

"Oh, fine." Shepard mock pouted. "I was kind of looking forward to using the surveillance cameras to listen to the stories the crew told about us." She gave him one last quick kiss and then set out to find Kelly.

"""""""""""""""""""""""""

"I thought you said if I went and talked to Kelly, we could keep the gossip under control."

Joker rotated his chair to face Shepard. "No, I indicated that if you talked to Kelly she probably wouldn't be the first to talk about it."

"Well, she must have said something because when I visited engineering just now, Donnelly was recounting a vivid tale of hot monkey sex in the cockpit." She looked a little flustered.

"You know what pisses me off? Calling this the cockpit. Alliance ships have bridges. Asari ships have cockpits. Oh wait. No they don't."

Shepard shook her head and smiled, "You've been saving that line."

"Oh!" He put the back of his hand against his forehead and turned dramatically, "You wound me."

He dropped his hand and grinned. "Also, I guess this isn't really an Alliance ship. Anyway, I don't know that it was Kelly. The crew was going to put two and two together sooner or later."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well, you went from super serious, sad faced Shepard to sappy, silly Shepard over a remarkably short period of time. Someone was bound to jump to conclusions eventually." Joker chuckled, "I'd say my reputation just sky rocketed."

"You're really proud of yourself aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am." Joker stuck out his chin and smirked. "You are this amazing warrior who runs around saving the universe and stuff. That being with me turns you into this happy smiling woman, that I have that effect on you... hell yeah, I'm proud."

She reached up and tugged on his beard. "You never told me you were a romantic sap."

"You never asked."

"""""""""""""""""""""""""

When he heard Shepard dismiss the crew, Joker cut the link to the communications room and told EDI to take the helm and send for the relief pilot. He hobbled through the CIC and reached the elevator just as Shepard emerged from Mordin's lab.

"Hey, Shepard," he said. She looked tired.

"Hey, Joker," she responded and followed him into the lift. She gave him a curious look when he pushed the button for the captain's cabin, but she didn't say anything.

"You know," Joker opened, "most people are deferential when they talk to the Illusive Man."

"He's not even the scariest thing I faced today." She sighed and slumped against the wall. "I had to fight a damn Praetorian because he withheld information... again."

"It's fun listening to you argue with him. It's like watching a lion maul a hyena."

Shepard stretched her shoulders as best as she could while still in combat armor. "Really? Because it always feels like I give him everything he wants."

"Nope," he said, "definitely a lion. Or more specifically, a fierce, sexy lioness."

"I guess that's okay, then." She looked down and rubbed her temples. "To be honest, I don't feel fierce or sexy. I just feel tired and frustrated. I'm fighting the Collectors, which is what the Illusive Man goddamn wanted. Yet, he still feels the need to jerk me around just to prove that he's big and bad and powerful. 'Information is my weapon.' What an ass. And he endangered my people."

The elevator finally opened outside her cabin and they both got off. "Joker," she said, "you're welcome to come in, as always, but I was just planning to shower and go to bed."

He walked into the cabin with her and went to stand by the empty fish tank. "You seem a bit riled up to go to bed, Shepard."

She crossed her arms. "What do you mean?"

"Once upon a time, you told me that after a hard fight you needed to calm down, relax your muscles." He waggled his eyebrows at her suggestively.

Shepard caught up to what he was getting at and she hung her head, but when she looked back up at him she was smiling. "You want to watch me pleasure myself." It wasn't a question.

Joker grinned and leered at her. "Well, now that you suggest it, that sounds like an excellent idea." He stepped closer and took her hand, face softer. "That is, if that's alright with you."

Shepard gave a shaky laugh. "Fine, but I'm still showering first, so you'll just have to wait. I got splattered with husk guts and somehow, some of them got inside my under armor and I swear they're setting up like cement."

"Lovely." Joker said. "I'll just wait on the sofa then."

She followed him down to the lower level as she stifled a yawn. "How are you so chipper? You had a long day, too."

"It's all just a clever facade," he leaned back and put his hands behind his head. "If you want to get out of this without loosing face, all you have to do is take too long in the shower. Then, when you come out, I'll be passed out asleep. Of course, the downside is that you'll have to listen to me snore and I'd probably wake up super stiff from sleeping on a sofa."

"Do you really snore?" Shepard asked.

"That's what I'm told at least," he chuckled. "Now, quit stalling and get a move on, girly. We don't have all night."

"Well, I never!" she said in her most prissy voice, but then she winked and hustled off to the bathroom.

Joker leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He glanced around the now familiar rooms and then shook his head as if clearing his thoughts. "In for a penny, in for a pound," he said to himself and settled back to wait.

For her part, Shepard was struggling with her armor in the enclosed space of the small bathroom. As usual, the arms and legs had come off easily, but the last latch on the torso was proving difficult. If her movements weren't constricted by the armor then she would be able to reach the spot where the latch sat on her back without trouble, but of course, that was no help. She hopped sideways trying to twist the last inch and landed on her discarded shoulder pad. Her foot slid out from under her and she crashed to the floor.

"Everything alright in there?" Joker called out.

"I'm okay!" she yelled from her pile of armor and limbs. Then she said under her breath, "Oh, hell, he'll see the whole show soon enough." She grabbed the edge of the sink and hauled herself upright then walked out into the main room. Joker was standing awkwardly at the top of the stairs like he had stopped in the middle of coming to her rescue.

"Could you help me with my clasp?" She turned around, "It's right in the middle of the back where I can't get it."

"This is why you decided to destroy the bathroom?" Joker asked as he popped the clasp open.

Shepard ignored him and slid the armor off. She took a deep breath and stretched right and left, wiggling her shoulders and hips to loosen the muscles.

Joker leaned back to admire the view. "Well," he said, "that suit certainly is, um, snug."

"You like what you see, Mr. Moreau?" She looked over her shoulder at him.

"Yes, yes I certainly do," he replied. "Now stop fishing for compliments and go shower." He smacked her ass lightly and smirked at her.

"Yes, sir." She said and returned to the bathroom, smiling.

Shepard emerged about ten minutes later with wet hair, wearing a terrycloth robe. She looked vulnerable, somehow overwhelmed, wrapped in white fluff. Joker watched her walk over to the bed in silence. She pulled a few items out of her bedside table and placed a pillow about halfway down the bed. Then, without turning to face him, she slid the robe down off of her shoulders. She was still warm from the shower and the cool air on her skin gave her goose bumps. Joker let out a small moan and she shivered, partly from the chill, partly from the low rumble of his voice. Still looking resolutely ahead, Shepard let the robe fall to the floor. Joker sighed audibly and she smiled to herself.

She crawled onto the bed and lay down on her back, legs straight, hands clasped on her belly. Only then did she look over at Joker. He met her gaze for a moment, then his eyes slid back down her body. She let her fingers trail over her skin, tracing lines on the surface of her nerves. She closed her eyes as she drew small circles around her nipples. Her hands moved on their own volition, kneading her breast, digging into her sides, gravitating downward. She smoothed her palms over her hips and down her thighs and she drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs, pulling herself into a ball. She held herself tight and secure for a moment, before lowering her feet back to the bed and letting her knees fall open.

Joker leaned forward and licked his lips as Shepard tugged gently at her pubic hair and then let her hand rest, covering her mound. Then, she reached over and plucked up a small bottle of lubricant off of the bed stand and squeezed a few drops onto her fingertips. She spread the lube on herself and began a slow rhythm running up and down over her clitoris. For a while, everything but her hand was still while she focused on the simple sensations of arousal. As the pace of her breathing sped up so did her fingers. Joker shifted on the sofa, adjusting his erection, discretely.

Shepard retrieved another item from the table, this time the vibrator Joker had given her. She leaned up on her elbow and squeezed a little lubricant onto the tip of it and then tossed the bottle aside. She twisted the knob to turn it on and grinned as the vibrations jiggled the clear gooey lube. She turned to look at Joker and mock toasted him with the vibrator. She held his gaze as she slid the toy along her labia and against her vaginal opening. Their eyes remained locked as she pushed the vibrator just a little way into herself. She let the tension in her muscles push it back out. She pushed it in just a little further and let it pop out again. Over and over she moved the vibrator in and out, a fraction further each time. At some point she realized that she had closed her eyes and tilted her head back onto the pillow. She moved in an easy rhythm. Her feet pushed against the bed, angling her hips up to meet each stroke. Joker clutched his knees, knuckles white, as Shepard scrunched up her face in concentration. After a minute of increased pace, her face went soft and she stilled her hand on the vibrator. Then, she slid it out and ran the tip up against her clitoris. She ran it back and forth, letting the vibrations do the work. For a while, there was just the soft hum of the toy against the silence of space. Slowly, Shepard's breath became sharper and faster. Her toes curled into the bedspread and her buttocks clenched. She moaned quietly, and bit at her bottom lip. Then, her whole body froze, rigid except for her hand on the vibrator. Suddenly, she bucked against the mattress and thrashed about. Her legs shot out straight, body tense, hand pressed between her thighs. She relaxed by inches, one muscle at a time until she lay quiet in the afterglow.

Joker watched her take deep, slow breaths. Beside her, on the bed, the vibrator hummed away, forgotten. Her head lolled to the side and she smiled softly at him, looking out from under heavy lids.

Joker blinked at her, momentarily struck dumb. "I... that was..." he sighed, "Thank you, Shepard, just... thank you."

Shepard patted the blankets blindly until she located the vibrator and then switched it off. "Um, you're welcome?" She gave a shaky chuckle.

"I got to see behind your mask. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

Shepard sat up and let her feet dangle off the side of the bed. "Joker, I..." her expression was earnest, eyes glistening. "You're welcome."

He stood up and retrieved her robe. She let him help her into it and secure the belt around her waist. Only once she was again enveloped in terry cloth did he wrap his arms around her and kiss her. She snaked her arms around his waist and let her hands stray down onto his ass.

"Oh my," Joker leaned back just enough to speak, "hands in new places."

Shepard snickered. "You're turn."

"Hmm?" he breathed and kissed her eyebrow.

"Turn about is fair play." Her eyelids fluttered and she struggled to concentrate, "I want to see you pleasure yourself now."

"Oooh, you're funny." He murmured and turned slightly, rubbing his corse beard across her cheek.

She took his earlobe between her teeth and tugged until the soft flesh sprang free. Then she snapped at him playfully. "Did I say something humorous?"

He nibbled his way down her neck before answering. "There's nothing graceful about a man jerking off. Why would you want to see that?"

Shepard tilted her head back just a bit so she could look at him. "Not just a man, silly." She bumped her forehead against the brim of his hat. "My man."

He grinned , "Awfully possessive of you."

She stuck out her chin and smiled back at him. "Mine."

Tossing his hat aside, he kissed her mouth, effectively cutting off conversation for awhile. She tangled her fingers in his hair and his hand drifted idly up and down her spine. Shepard ran the tip of her nose along Joker's cheekbone and broke the kiss. "Mr. Moreau, are you trying to distract me?"

"Who, me?" He let his hand slide down onto her bum. "Would I do that?"

She pressed her hips more solidly against his and looked him in the eye. "Yes."

"Well... maybe just a little," he said. He squeezed her butt and rolled his hips so that she could feel his hard penis penned between their abdomens. A low moan escaped her lips.

"Why?" Joker whispered.

"Hmm?" was all Shepard could manage.

"Why do you want to see me masturbate?" He massaged her butt, holding her tight against him.

"I... oh, um..." she stuttered out. Then she took a deep breath and tried again, "In the vids, they always focus on the women. I don't think I've ever actually seen a man's face while he comes."

"Hmm..." he spoke with his lips and beard tickling the side of her neck, "I thought you said you didn't want to see a generic man."

Shepard stepped back so she could see Joker clearly. "Then let me be plain. I want you, Joker. I want to see you naked. I want to see you touch yourself. I want to watch you come."

Joker stared at her shoulder and shifted his weight. His legs were suddenly tired from standing so long.

"This really makes you uncomfortable," she said softly.

He sat down on the edge of the bed. "The idea of you watching me jerk off doesn't feel sexy. It feels more like, I don't know, like you're asking to watch me take a dump."

"Lovely." She sank down onto the bed next to him. After a few seconds of thought she asked, "Hold on, let me get this straight. If it's you watching me masturbate, that's hot. But if I want to watch you, that's gross?"

"Well, when you put it like that it sounds stupid."

"Because it is." She scrunched up her nose and gave him a sassy smile.

He rolled his eyes. For awhile they sat in silence. Joker scooted closer so their shoulders touched. Shepard played her fingers up and down his thigh.

She spoke first. "Whenever I get a new gun, I like to take it to the range and shoot it in private. I always want to master something before anyone sees me do it. I'm vain like that. I hate for people to see me struggle."

He put his hand over hers. "I get that. Sometimes, I don't go out just because I'm not in the mood to see peoples faces when they see me limp. There are days when I resent every person who tries to open a door or carry something for me."

She squeezed his hand and then sighed. "I don't know how to... pleasure a man... you." Shepard looked at her toes. "You asked why I would want to watch. I guess I thought if I could watch what you did, it would help me figure out what I could do, you know, with you."

Joker turned his whole body to look at her squarely. She kept her head bowed, unable to meet his gaze. He realized that her eyes were brimming with unshed tears, so much had it cost this strong woman to admit weakness. Gently, he turned her face and let her see his expression of soft wonder. He kissed her, a brief meeting of lips, once, twice, three times. Then he stood and stepped away. He removed his shoes first and he had his socks off before Shepard caught on to what he was doing.

"You don't have to-"

"Shh," he hushed her and then paused to kiss her forehead before continuing to undress.

When he was down to his just his pants he paused and took a deep breath. He watched her as he undid his zipper and let his pants fall. Shepard tilted her head slightly as she took in his pale slender legs with their crooked bones, wiry muscles and myriad of surgery scars. Her gaze only lingered a few seconds before she was distracted by Joker's neon leopard-print boxers. She shook her head and continued up his body. By the time her eyes reached his face, they held no trace of pity, only heat and desire. Joker let out a breath he hadn't noticed he was holding and relaxed.

He grinned as he slipped the boxers off and went to sit at the head of the bed. His smile widened when he saw that Shepard's full attention was focused on his groin area. Too much talking had left him flaccid. He put his hand under his balls and hefted them. He stretched his shaft and pushed his foreskin up. He rubbed the head between his finger and thumb. Shepard licked her lips unconsciously.

"Could you do something for me?" Joker asked.

She dragged her eyes back up to his face. "Hmm?"

"Could you-" He stopped, then tried again, "Could you touch your breasts for me?"

She grinned. Her hands slid up her body over her robe, then she plunged one hand under the fabric and gave her breast a rough squeeze.

"Like this?" she asked.

Joker just nodded, his penis already growing hard in his hands. He reached over and picked up the discarded bottle of lube. "Is this alright?"

"Of course."

Joker dripped the lube onto the tip of his dick and began slowly sliding his fingers up and around. Shepard pushed the robe further open exposing a long v of skin down to her navel. She ran her fingertips down the side of her neck and back out of sight under the fabric. Joker groaned encouragingly and cupped his balls again with his free hand. He focused his attention on the head for awhile, gripping it with his whole hand and rubbing back and forth. Shepard dropped her shoulder and let the robe slide down on one side, exposing her hand covering one breast. Joker locked eyes with her as she drew her hand away until her finger tips were just plucking at her nipple. He began moving in a quick, steady rhythm over the whole shaft of his penis. Shepard slid her arms out of the sleeves and sat naked from the waist up. She ran her hands around her breasts in a distracted fashion, her attention was focused on Joker's increasing pace. He squeezed his balls lightly. His eyes were closed, his face scrunched up in concentration. A tension released and his face smoothed out, his lips slightly parted. His hand came up from his balls just in time to catch his seed. They sat in a frozen tableaux for a long moment, the only movement the rise and fall of both their chests as they struggled together to catch their breath.

Joker gave an embarrassed chuckle and the moment broke. He looked around for a tissue and, finding none, started too get up.

"Wait," Shepard said. She slipped her arms back in the robe but left it loose around her. Then, she crawled over and knelt next to him on the bed. Joker shifted uncomfortably as she took the hand that held his semen in both of hers. She gave him a reassuring smile and then carefully opened his hand to see the puddle of white goop in his palm. She tilted her head to the side and shook their hands to see the come jiggle. Joker couldn't help but grin as she leaned in and gave it an exaggerated sniff. His grin dropped when she dipped the tip of her tongue in his seed and smacked her lips. When she looked up, she saw a mix of shock and heat on his face. She bit her lip and gave him a wicked, shy look. Then she leaned down and slowly, deliberately lapped up the remainder of his come.

"Have I ever told you, you're amazing," he asked.

"Nope."

"Ah, well, you are." He gave her a quick kiss and settled back against the headboard.

"Sleep here tonight," Shepard said.

"I can't." He reached out and touched her knee. "I don't ever want to have to send the backup pilot to rescue you from a mob of villagers with their pitchforks and machine guns because I was in med bay with broken bones."

"I guess I get that." Shepard pouted.

"There's bound to be a lull in the action eventually. Then we can give it a try. I promise. Until then though, lets just take things slow, how about."

"Oh, fine," she said, but then she perked up. "You know, it's kind of nice having someone else be the responsible one for once."

"So what you're saying is you like it when I'm in charge?" Joker asked with a wolf smile.

Shepard laughed. "Maybe."

Joker stood up. "I should let you get some rest." He went over to where his clothes lay in a pile and started to get dressed. He carefully laid out his boxers on the floor and and stepped into them one foot at a time before pulling them up to see Shepard watching. "Um, Shepard... could you maybe, not watch. I mean, getting dressed is kind of awkward for me and I get a little self conscience."

"Oh, yes. I mean of course, sure." She went up to her desk and fiddled with her terminal.

After a few minutes, Joker came up beside her. "You going to walk me to the door?" He asked.

Shepard smiled and walked the few steps around the corner to the door with him. Joker took her by the shoulders and guided her back until she was against the wall. Then, he took hold of her lapels and pulled them down over her shoulders, her robe pinning her arms to her sides and exposing her breasts. Her surprised gasp quickly morphed into a moan as he sucked her nipple into his mouth. He licked and nibbled and sucked at first one nipple then the other. When he straightened back up, he palmed a breast in each hand and leaned his weight against her, taking his time to kiss her thoroughly. She was caught off guard again as he abruptly pulled away. He admired the view, her head tilted back, eyes closed, lips slightly parted, exposed chest rising and falling as she caught her breath.

When she finally opened her eyes, Joker popped off a salute. "Good night, Commander." He left to the chiming melody of the biggest bad ass in the universe giggling like a little girl.

So, that was super challenging to write. Also, funny to research. Hope you enjoyed.