The Sorting Hat's Revenge
A thousand years I've reigned supreme
A giant among hats
I've Sorted year by weary year
Uncounted eldritch brats
...
The bondage of my singing role
Fills me with fear and loathing
What nitwit would entrust a school
To articles of clothing?
...
To Sort, or not to Sort, I find
Has always been the question
To think some student's life might fail
Due to a poor selection!
...
If I had shoulders, they would sag
Beneath this heavy duty
The only thing that keeps me pert
Is Sorting some young beauty
...
Which brand of shampoo do you use?
I bet it is Pantene
Your lack of split and faded ends
Has made me rather keen
...
But now as I express my thoughts,
Pray listen well, my friends
The life of this sad Sorting Hat
Seems like it never ends.
...
So now I will reveal to you
The criteria I use
When which great House to put you in
It falls on me to choose
...
Are you a smug, self-righteous prick?
A true attention whore?
Why then, perhaps you'll get a kick
Out of good Gryffindor.
...
True Gryffindors know that they're
The centre of attention
The other Houses (they believe)
Hardly deserve a mention.
...
These raging lions know that they're
The stars of every class
The other Houses (they opine)
Can kindly kiss their ass
...
For who would be in Ravenclaw?
Those nerdy, four-eyed geeks
Are even worse than Slytherin,
A bunch of snobs and freaks.
...
And as for Hufflepuff, they're nice,
But that's all you can say,
For when it comes right down to it,
They're really kind of gay.
...
No, you were born so special
That you're meant for Gryffindor,
The other Houses tremble
When they hear your mighty roar!
...
Who needs ambition or hard work,
Who needs a sharp, quick wit?
For when you are a Gryffindor,
You just don't give a shit
...
You know that you're the best in show
You know you're born to rule
The Lion is the king of beasts
And you reign in this school
...
Unless you're selfish, mean and sly
Doing anything to win
Why, then your future just might lie
In good old Slytherin
...
These try-hards think they'll conquer
And bring nations to their knees
(The other Houses think they are
A bunch of wannabes)
...
This noble, ancient, famous House
Is unlike all the others
To get their hands on what they want
They'd gladly stab their mothers
...
You hasten to assure us
That your blood is nice and pure
One cannot help but wonder
Why you feel so insecure
...
To take pride in your ancestry
Must be a consolation
When you have nothing else of worth
Except this sad fixation
...
It's lucky that your ancestors
Were noble, good and great
Because their descendants won't
Achieve one thing at this rate
...
Honour, wisdom, glory, fame
Your forebears were quite full of it
It's just a shame that you yourselves
Are mostly full of shit
...
No need for courage, brains or toil
No need for loyalty
For as a Slytherin, you know
You're ancient royalty
...
You dress yourself in gothic black
Your make-up looks a fright
It's well known that you cut yourselves
And cry in bed at night
...
Or perhaps in geeky Ravenclaw
Is where you're meant to be
You'll find new friends who all adore
Campaigns of DnD.
...
You've memorised the syllabus
You love puns and big words
Too bad the other Houses think
You're all sad, hopeless nerds
...
You get top marks in every class
You're sharper than a knife
It almost makes up for the fact
That you don't have a life
...
Your brand of humour oft relies
On knowledge of Pythagoras
Attending cons, you cosplay as
Hermione and Legolas
...
Your grades are never less than A
Your teachers think you're great
And one of these days you might even
Go out on a date
..
You're brilliant at games of chess
You always win the war
Your hair and clothes were all the rage
In nineteen sixty four
...
Not for you the brutish sport
Of Quidditch, brooms all zooming
That's for the stupid masses
Much like hygiene and good grooming
...
And as for bravery or spite
Or hard work, well, who needs 'em?
When you can quote all Shakespeare's works
And prove Fermat's Last Theorem
...
And now we come to least and last
(This may sound kind of rough)
But you know that you've been outclassed
When you're a Hufflepuff
...
The founder of your noble House
Was so sweet and kind-hearted
She agreed to take on students
Who were basically retarded
...
You have no personality
You haven't got a clue
As past exam results attest
You drop the school's IQ
...
You have no special skills or traits
But fondness for hard work
And you'll work hard all through your life
For you're a hopeless berk
...
You may be loyal to your friends
You may be firm and true
The only problem? No one wants
To be good friends with you.
...
They may borrow your lecture notes
They may smile back and wave
They may just let you hang around
If you will be their slave
...
You're just about as popular
As bowls of Dungbomb stew
And just about as beautiful
And just as useful, too
...
To anyone with half a brain
Your future's plain to see
You'll surely have a career in
The service industry
...
We cannot all be Aurors bold
Or lawyers, teachers, pollies
For some of us must sweep the streets
And gather shopping trolleys
...
And there you have the Houses four
In all their shining glory
And now with some regret I find
I must conclude this story
...
Take care, farewell, auf wiedersehen
For that, it seems, is that
I may be petty, cruel and mean
But I'm the Sorting Hat!