A/N

Title: Dear Aaron

Author: Ihli

Rating/Warnings: M/Angst, Slash

Pairing: Hotch/Reid

Summary: A gunshot rang out, a lung was punctured. The survivors must pick up the pieces. Spencer must go on, for Jack. H/R established relationship

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters I just like to play with them sometimes. I promise to put them back where I found them.

Hello All, some stories are hard to write, every word must be extracted like a recalcitrant wisdom tooth. Some stories just flow, they demand all attention until they are completed. This story made me write it. It held me in front of the keyboard typing away until it was complete.

It could be set in either my Reality TV universe or in my Halloween Extravaganza universe. It's a four shot. I hope you enjoy the journey.

Thanks to RogueStorm84 and The Shameless BookWorm for Beta'ing this chapter! All mistakes are mine.

Dear Aaron

Chapter 1

August 12, 2012

Dear Aaron,

It's been two weeks, fourteen days, since you were…were shot. The bullet punctured your lung, and you died on the table. It's been twelve days since we laid you to rest. At least we'd finished the paperwork. Jack is legally my son. It would have killed me if they had taken him, too.

He clutched my hand as we stood at the graveside and watched them lower your casket into the ground. I wanted to break down right there, fall to my knees and weep. I wanted to run and find a dealer, push the needle in and feel the sweet bliss while drowning my sorrows in Dilaudid.

But I didn't. One thing kept me going. Our son needed me. I'm all he has. He's my only connection to you. So I stood strong. Then I picked him up, turned, and walked away.

We will grieve together.

I am writing this letter, and I plan to write more because the therapist from the FBI mandatory grief counseling has convinced me it will be cathartic. Also, it makes it feel like you are less gone. I write to my mother every day. She is there where I can reach her. Now I can pretend you are in such a place, at least once in a while.

I have decided to leave the FBI and take a teaching job at Harvard. It will be hard to leave the team, but it would also have been hard to stay. They grieve for you too and the brunt of their good intentions falls on me.

But mostly, I am leaving for Jack. I know what it means to have a parent leave you. Jack has had that twice now. It's enough. I will take a job where he knows I'm coming home at night, every night. No more danger, no more bad guys.

I miss you more than I know how to process. I miss your smile as you gaze upon Jack. I miss seeing your face drawn tight, head thrown back, as you climax. I even miss your Death Glare when we are on a case.

I love you,
Spencer

Oct 8, 2012

Dear Aaron,

A funny thing happened today. Well, not funny really, more irritating and sad. Part of why I chose Harvard was because it was in Massachusetts, a place where gay marriage is legal. I guess I sort of pretend that we moved here together and got married. I know. Silly.

I got called into Jack's school. He got in a fight with one of the other boys. I asked him what happened.

"He asked me why I had a different last name than you dad."

I didn't ask why Jack had shared that. It wasn't important.

"What did you say Jack?"

"I said, 'Hotchner was my other dad's name.' He said, 'You have two dads?' I said, 'I did but now I only have one.' He said, 'That's weird.' So I hit him."

I wondered if homophobia was rearing its ugly head. I spoke with the teacher, and she said she would speak with the other student's parents.

I tried to imagine how you would handle this. I talked about how he needed to use his words. Violence was only for self-defense. I told him how we didn't care if the boy thought having two dads was weird. We knew the truth.

I told him I would write to you. He knows about these letters. He said "Oh good, he'll take care of everything in heaven."

I felt a tear spill from my eye. I wish I had his certainty that you have moved on to a better place. I wish I knew that you would be waiting there for me.

I hugged our boy tight and said, 'I knew you would always do everything you could to protect us.'

I hope I did okay.

Love,
Spencer

March 10, 2015

Dear Aaron,

Today was a difficult day. I had tons of students come to office hours, but none of the ones I told you about. You remember, the ones in danger of failing. I get so frustrated. I don't know how to reach them. These are all smart kids. They wouldn't be here if they weren't. But they get stuck in their own worlds and don't get the help they need.

Was I ever like that? I know, you're laughing now. Of course I was. If I wasn't, I would have come to you for help when I was addicted to Dilaudid.

Sometimes, late at night, I imagine you are with me, just holding me. I miss that as much as the sex. I still miss the Death Glare. It was comforting somehow. It was part of you.

Jack misses you, too, but he is doing well in fourth grade. He has made a few friends but still likes to keep to himself. He is a quiet kid, and I know he is afraid to trust. He thinks that if he gets close to someone they will leave him. I am not exactly a great role model for social interaction, and I'm still dealing with abandonment issues.

Am I doing the right things for our son? I have to make so many decisions for him. Am I giving him the right advice? I wish you were here so we could discuss these things. I know you would know what to do to help him know he is safe. I hoped my leaving the FBI would do it.

Love,

Spencer

July 12, 2017

Dear Aaron,

You'll never guess who I saw today. Derek Morgan and JJ.

They were in town for a case. They just finished and stopped in to say hi before flying back to Quantico.

Remember, Morgan took over the team after you…left.

Rossi has retired again. He met wife number four on a book tour, and they say he is happy.

Kevin finally made Penelope an "honest woman," JJ's words. Morgan says she was all excited about, his words, "Some opto something computer which just makes her that much more magical." I tried not to laugh. I assume he means the new Optronic Processor. It is a pretty impressive piece of technology.

Prentiss took over another team. JJ says she whipped them into shape. JJ showed me picture of Henry, he has gotten so big and little Flora, her daughter, has too.

I wonder what it would have been like if we had a daughter or a sibling for Jack. I wonder if I should adopt so he has a play mate. But, I am barely able to parent one child. No matter how many books I read on parenting, I never feel like I get it right.

All my Love,
Spencer

Feb 17, 2018
Dear Aaron,

Please don't be upset. Actually, I know you won't be. I think I actually wish you would be a little.

I went on a date. Her name is Brenda Farham. She is a visiting professor from Oxford. She has asked me to go to dinner several times. She is a professor of psychology and is world renowned for her research into abnormal psych.

She said she wanted to pick my brain about some of our old cases that have been de-classified recently, but even I could see the pretense. We could have done that in the office.

Anyways, I finally gave in. Jack said I needed to make more friends. How could I argue? I am always telling him that.

We went to Sandrines in Cambridge, a lovely French restaurant.

Brenda was nice enough, but maybe I'm really not bisexual because she just didn't do it for me. I knew she was pretty. Several other men in the restaurant gave "the look." But, at night's end when she invited me up to her apartment, I just didn't want to go. I knew what would be expected and I just couldn't.

Maybe I'm just not ready. I still think too much about you.

When I got into bed, I let myself remember, really remember. I don't let myself indulge in that too often, but tonight I needed to.

I closed my eyes and imagined you were here with me, your lips on mine. At first, I remembered how they would feather softly over mine and then press harder, opening, becoming more demanding. Then I would feel your tongue thrusting in, taking. I felt myself get hard just from the memory.

I had a real, live, attractive, interested woman in front of me and nothing. Now, I was rock hard, just picturing the feel of your hands on me. I reached between my legs and took my cock, imagining it was your hand. I couldn't help it. I started thrusting into the circle of your fingers. It didn't take long because I don't indulge often. I came, calling your name. It felt so odd to hear it out loud. I don't speak it often either, and I know why.

I was still convulsing on the bed from the pleasure when the crash hit. I curled into the fetal position, my own fluids spilling onto the sheets, and I cried.

I can't do this. How can I live a life without you? But I knew that I didn't matter here, not anymore. Jack needs me. So I put away thoughts of Dilaudid; I put away thoughts of joining you in oblivion.

I cleaned up the mess I made and I closed my eyes. Sleep didn't come so I got up to write to you.

Sorry I don't have something happy to say.

Love,
Spencer

Nov 23, 2019

Dear Aaron,

I am in so much trouble. I've seen the signs but I was in denial. I can't deny it any longer. Jack is entering puberty. What am I going to do?

He's just started to grow hair, everywhere. And today…today he checked out a girl. I know you are laughing. But he did. He stared right at her. I could see his eyes travel from her head to her toes pausing on her developed chest; his lips parted; his breathing quickened.

I'm not ready for this. Puberty was horrible for me. I was in college surrounded by adults while I was still seen as a child. I started to have wants but no one to explore them with. Perhaps I was lucky. I couldn't get into trouble; no one would join me.

But Jack, he has your solid good looks. I've seen the girls (why are the girls always ahead?) looking at him, speculating. He isn't even in high school yet, and I already have to worry about pregnancies?

But I did what I had to do. I have never seen Jack so red before; he looked like an apple or maybe a beet.

I explained it to him. How babies are made. Why babies should not be made until much, much later. How if he was going to experiment with girls, he needed to at least be safe. How if he wanted to experiment with boys, I would certainly understand, but again, he needed to be safe.

I even gave him a package of condoms to re-enforce the issue. I said that I thought he was too young to use them, but I wanted him to have them for when he did need them.

The whole time he looked a bit nauseous. I know I felt nauseous. I kept going off on tangents: histories of sexual education, details of the biology, all of it. Yes, I hear you laughing again.

Finally, I talked about the feelings and emotions. About love. At first, this part was hard. I am no expert here. I talked a bit about the psychology, and I could tell I was losing him. So, I opened that carefully contained memory I have of our time together, and I spoke from the heart.

I told him how sex at its best was the consummation of love between two people. It was more than meeting physical needs. It was a physical joining of two souls that were already together. I said, 'When I was with your father, it was the most perfect feeling. It was special in a way that I doubt I will ever feel again. We were a part of each other, joined in every way.' I wiped a tear from my eye after that, and he hugged me.

He asked some good questions about the details. I felt like I did the right thing. I hope I didn't overwhelm him with information. In the end, I felt close to our son. I had passed a parenting milestone.

Wish you were here to share,
Spencer