Les Miserables (musical) - Abriged

ACT II

1832, The Barricades

The students are under the impression that a bunch of crates and wood will hold against the big-bad French government. But whatever! Half of them are too busy admiring how hot Enjolras looks in his sexy red vest.

Marius discovers that Eponine followed him to the barricades, and he STILL doesn't get it through his head that she's in love with him! Good God, you idiot!

He's all, "Go take this letter to Cosette so you won't get hurt!" And she's all, "Fine, bastard. Now I'm gonna sing the most popular song in this musical and make everyone feel sorry for me, then I'm gonna head back and possibly get killed!"

Javert, disguised poorly as a student, spies on the little revolutionaries. Gavroche eventually outs him and is all, "Yeah, you just got PWNed, sucka!" Valjean, who decides to help Marius out since he now ships Marius/Cosette, is tasked to kill Javert. But he realizes how much Javert means to him, and lets him go free.

After an epic battle, Eponine is found mortally wounded. Marius finally gets that she was in love with him, but before she dies, Enjolras knocks Marius out of the way and confesses how he was in love with Eponine the whole time. Eponine is flattered, and uses her last dying breath to share a passionate kiss with the sexy beast.

(Okay, that didn't happen. But I can dream, can't I?)

That night, everyone's all, "Jeez...maybe this wasn't a good idea. People are actually dying. We didn't think that would happen!" And Marius is all, "Cosette! I'll never see her again! My best friend is dead, but I'm more concerned about some bitch I just met!" Later, Valjean sings about how he wants Marius to stay safe, even though he doesn't even know the dumb shit.

The next morning, Gavroche is killed getting ammo for the troops. Everyone else dies except for Valjean and Marius (how convenient). Valjean goes into the sewers with Marius, who's unconscious, while that stupid motherfucker Thenadier robs all the corpses.

Javert comes across Valjean, and is about to arrest him when Valjean stops him. He's all, "This dude needs medical care! Let me go!" And Javert's all, "Fine...but can we have make-up sex first?" And Valjean's all, "Okay."

So they do that, and then after Valjean and Marius are gone, Javert's all, "Wait. I just got laid by my mortal enemy, then I let him go. What the fuck is wrong with me?" So he throws himself off a nearby bridge and drowns himself.

Weeks later, Marius whines about how all his friends are dead. Cosette reminds him that they get to be together forever now, and that quickly cheers him up. In a twisted turn of events, Valjean's all, "Hey, I'm really an ex-criminal, and I'm gonna go away now."

So Marius and Cosette have a pansy wedding, and the Thenadiers crash the after party as a bunch of rich snobs, since they got some money after they robbed all the dead people. Marius, through a weird chain of events that I'm not getting into, realizes that Valjean saved him, and he's all, "Wow, I need to thank him!"

Valjean, conveniently, is dying from old age. Cosette and Marius see him off as Fantine and Eponine welcome him to heaven, where Valjean is reuinted with Javert, Fantine has made up with her dead boyfriend, and Enjolras and Eponine can spend all their time kissing and making out together. Oh, and then there's the whole lesson about being kind to others and stuff, but whatever. Show's over.

Three. Fucking. Hours. Are you kidding me? This play takes THREE HOURS to get through? And everyone DIES? What a rip-off! I want my money back, you bastards! THIS IS A FUCKING DISGRACE!

A/N: It was totally worth three hours. :)

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