I finished reading Clockwork Prince, and I just had to write this chapter from Jem's pov. The credit of course, goes to Miss Clare.

"Ni hen piao liang"

Damn you, Will! Why do you do things like this? Why must you mock me?

I could not help mentally cursing Will after what he had done. He had forced me to bring myself to the worst part of London. Will may not have sent me a formal letter, notifying me of his location, but it was my duty to find him. We are parabatai. But what had truly angered me was the fact that Tessa came too! She should not have ever been in such a horrid place.

I stormed around the room, clenching my hands in an attempt to suppress my anger. It was not working.

Wearing only trousers and white shirtsleeves I drew my precious violin from its resting place. Then sat down on the trunk, laid it upon my shoulder, and looked straight ahead.

As I drew the bow across the strings, a horrible screech sounded. I ignored it, even knowing that I was not playing correctly. My hand was settled too heavily on the bow while my movements were much too harsh. I simply did not care. Destroying my most valuable possession was my way of releasing the fury inside me. And what did it matter if I destroyed it now? I will cease to exist in another decade.

The door burst open, but I did not look up. Instead I continued to viciously scrape the bow across the violin's steel strings.

"Jem," I heard her whisper.

I only pressed harder, forcing a high-pitched scream to erupt from my innocent violin. A string broke in the process.

"Jem!" she shrieked again.

She ran over and wrenched the bow from my hands.

"Jem, stop! Your violin—your lovely violin—you'll ruin it."

I looked up, ashamed that Tessa was seeing me in such a state. She was so beautiful, no matter her mood. Nevertheless, I was angry and morbid, and not even Tessa could change that now.

"What does it matter?" I hissed. "What does any of it matter? I'm dying. I won't outlast the decade. What does it matter if the violin goes before I do?"

Her sweet lips contorted a frown.

I stood to stare at the streets of London through my window. An older man and woman held each other's hands as a carriage rolled up next to them. The man opened the door and pulled himself inside, he then turned to the woman who took his hand and closed the carriage door.

I felt a new wave of rage wash over me. I will never have that. I can never marry the woman of my dreams and grow old with her at my side. Tessa, the woman of my every fantasy, my every dream, my every thought, could never be mine. Tears stung my eyes, making me feel weaker than I already was.

"You know it is true," I finally said.

"Nothing is decided," her voice cracked slightly. "Nothing is inevitable. A cure—"

"There's no cure," I sighed, lowering my voice as to not upset her, that was the last thing I would want to do. "I will die, and you know it, Tess. Probably within the next year. I am dying, and I have no family in the world, and the one person I trusted more than any other made sport of what is killing me." I tightened my fist, remembering him, lying in the bed at the drug den, not a care in the world.

"But, Jem, I don't think that's what Will meant to do at all." Oh yes, very well, take his side, I thought bitterly. "He was just trying to escape. He is running from something, something dark and awful. You know he is, Jem. You saw how he was after—after Cecily."

She was right, yet I still felt cynical. I turned to carelessly toss the violin on the trunk. Tessa stood close enough for me touch, if I just extended my hand to her lovely face. "He knows what it means to me. To see him even toy with what has destroyed my life—"

Her tone was earnest, "But he wasn't thinking of you—"

"I know that." A bead of sweat slid down my neck. "I tell myself he's better than he makes himself out to be, but, Tessa, what if he isn't? I have always thought, if I had nothing else, I had Will. If I have done nothing else that made my life matter, I have always stood by him. But perhaps I shouldn't."

Her eyes widened as she touched my forehead, checking my temperature like a nurse.

I stepped back, how could she? Am I just a sick boy who needs nursing to you, Tessa?

She looked hurt. "Jem, what is it? You don't want me touch you?"

Of couse I want you to touch me, but by the Angel not that way. "Not like that." I snapped, and felt my face flush.

"Like what?" Her gray eyes wide with bewilderment.

"As if you were a nurse and I were your patient," I stated unevenly. "You think because I am ill that I am not like—" I drew a shaky breath. "Do you think I do not know that when you take my hand, it is only so that you can feel my pulse?" She looked down. "Do you think I do not know that when you look into my eyes, it is only to see how much of the drug I have taken?" She looked up and shook her head. "If I were another man, a normal man, I might have hopes, presumptions even; I might—" even ask you to marry me. I felt out of breath, as if I had just finished running through the streets around the Institute.

Tessa shook her head again, tossing her hair. "This is the fever speaking, not you."

I ground my teeth together as I turned away from her. "You can't even believe I could want you," I whispered. "That I am alive enough, healthy enough—"

"No—" She touched my arm, I stiffened. "James, that isn't at all what I meant—"

Turning, I reached my arm around to grasp her thin hand in mine and pulled her against my chest. It was improper, I knew, but I had wanted to hold her close since the night I met her.

"Tessa," I breathed.

She searched my eyes for a warning, some kind notion that I would pull away. I watched in disbelief as she slowly raised her head and closed her eyes.

I lowered my head as well, closing my eyes as I pressed my lips to hers for the very first time. She froze, but melted with me soon after. How many nights had I spent dreaming about kissing her red lips? How many times had I fantasized about wrapping my arms around her beautiful body or entwining my hands in her soft hair?

Hundreds. Hundreds upon hundreds of peaceful days and improper nights I would spend thinking of Tessa, and yet not one of them could even compare to the reality of truly kissing her.

Tessa's mouth moved with mine, making us one. I gently guided her closer, pressing the back of her neck with my hand. My other hand cupped her face as I rubbed my thumb over her warm cheek. It was all so improper, she should push away, I should push away, no matter how painful it may be. She moved her arms from my chest.

Please do not push away. Please stay with me Tessa.

Instead of stopping all the impropriety, she raised her arms to clasp around my neck, pulling me closer. I gasped, I was so sure she would leave, so sure she would say this was wrong. I could not help but still for a moment. Her hands smoothed the knots in my shoulders, rubbing the sides of my neck.

"Do not pause," she breathed.

Hesitantly, I slid my hands down her neck, through the waves of her hair and back up again, caressing her pretty face. She shivered as I brought my lips down to hers once more. Encouraged, I daringly slid my tongue along her bottom lip, she pushed closer.

She shivered as I stroked her cheeks and she very quietly murmured "Jem" against my mouth. I lowered my hands to the small of her back, pressing her tighter against me. She slipped, pulling me down with her to the bed.

I went mildly crazy as she wound her fingers into my shirt, pulling my body onto hers. It was a challenge to think properly. Is she all right? Am I too heavy—I lost my train of thought when she ran her hands through my hair, pressing feather light kisses along my face and neck.

I ran my hands down her shoulders, over her chest to feel the light impression of her breasts underneath her dressing gown. I was breathing hard as my fingers slipped, making it difficult to untie the ribbon that held the gown closed. She looked at me as I watched her hands loosen the tie of her dressing gown. It fell from her shoulders, leaving her in only a sheer nightgown.

Swallowing, I silently met her gaze, asking permission.

I raised my entire body, slowly taking my eyes from hers to her bare shoulders. It felt so incredibly inappropriate to stare at her chest, where I could not help but notice the full curve of each breast. I swallowed again, following the slender slope of her hips to the long legs beneath. Tessa was so painfully beautiful, I still could not believe I had the honor of looking upon her in such light.

I huskily repeated what I said to her in the carriage, "Ni hen piao liang."

"What does it mean?" she whispered.

I smiled, "It means that you are beautiful. I did not want to tell you before. I did not want you to think I was taking liberties."

She touched my cheek and trailed her finger lower to the pulse on my throat, causing it to quicken. I closed my eyes, relishing in her touch.

"Take them," she murmured against my ear.

An involuntary moan erupted from the back of my throat as I kissed her with renewed fervor. I pulled her tight against me, suddenly not close enough. We fell sideways, and Tessa tightly fastened her legs around my waist causing my eyes to roll back and my lids to flutter.

We were so close, yet still not close enough. Her hands shook as she grasped the buttons of my shirt. I was ready to tear it off, when she ripped the collar open. I shrugged it off as she gazed at me, ready to see what lay underneath. I took a deep breath, suddenly self-conscious about her seeing my naked chest.

"I know," I looked down, very scared of what she would say. Would she tell me to leave? More awful scenarios began forming in my head as I stuttered nervously, "I am not—I mean, I look—"

She smiled, "Beautiful." My eyes widened, Tessa thought I was beautiful. "You are beautiful, James Carstairs."

Still in shock, she traced the marks on my chest then continued to draw a line down my ribs, and followed the length of my stomach only to reach the top of my trousers. A shock of heat spread throughout my body, making me tremble.

She kept her beautiful slim legs twined around my torso, holding me prisoner. I should have been tied up and left to starve for my felony. I could not keep my hands from roaming and exploring her stunning body. The skirt of her nightdress slid upward, revealing more of her flawless legs.

Oh God, Tessa. You may be the death of me.

I gingerly laid my hands on her legs, moving them up, embracing the softness and curves of each one. She sighed as I skimmed my hands higher, reaching the tops of her thighs. Our kisses grew heated as I explored more of the bare skin underneath her nightgown. Her hips shivered as I ran my fingers along the side of her waist, trailing higher, ghosting over her soft chest.

Feeling, touching her was truly incredible. Yet I wanted to see her too, I wanted to gaze upon her miraculous body while I kissed every line and curve of her perfect beauty.

I lifted my hands to the buttons of her nightdress, separating each one. The dress slid aside, revealing the soft, naked skin of her shoulder. Lowering my head to her neck, I savored the pleasure of hearing her gasp as I softly kissed her shoulder.

Tessa's hand shot out, knocking a pillow from the bed. It hit the small night table with a crash.

No, please, no. I knew what was on that table. Fear jerked me up, afraid of what I might see. But there it lay, a thin sheen of silver powder dusted the floor.

I reluctantly unwrapped myself from Tessa, clambering to the floor to save the drug that would only kill me later.

"Tess," I whispered, ashamed for her to see me like this. "You can't touch this stuff. To get it on your skin would be—dangerous." To say the least. "Even to breathe it in—Tessa, you must go."

She insisted on staying. "I won't go. Jem, I can help you clean it up. I am—"

You are what, a friend? I scowled, you can't be, not after…

"Please," I whispered. "I do not want you to see me on my knees, grubbing around on the floor for the drug that I need to live. That is not how any man wants the girl he—" loves to see him. I took a ragged breath. "I'm sorry, Tessa." You deserve better.

She leaned forward and kissed my cheek in sympathy. The door closed and I was left alone with the drug that had ruined my life.

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