Don't Waste Your Heart On Me

First Fan Fic. I give the song credit to the Dixie Chicks. Just a little plot bunny that needed to be set free ;)

Inara keeps trying. And trying. But he is such an idiot (if she's honest with herself she admits she loves his stubbornness. That's a big reason she doesn't let herself be honest) that he won't just let her be. The Captain just loves to poke at her, tease her, and yes, at times insult her. She's even tried insulting him back, but she can't help herself. Even when she's trying to insult him, it comes off most times as gentle teasing between friends (or lovers).

The fool even tried to duel with Atherton for her "honor". What was he thinking? Why would he risk his life in such a stupid fashion, for her? Couldn't he figure it out? Didn't he know she wasn't worth it? All she was to anyone was a rich man's accessory, a status symbol. At least, that's what she told herself all those years ago in training while on Sihnon. It helped her to build her walls, keep her heart safe, keep her emotions in check. Because that was her place in life. Being a Companion was a respectable career choice, true, but she knew that her life was still not completely her own.

But Mal broke through her walls. His life, his love for Serenity and her crew, made those walls come crumbling down. Every night she slowly built them back up, tried to make them stronger. And then he'd look at her. Those deep blue eyes caused every brick of her walls to come tumbling down. And she couldn't flat out tell him. Inara never wanted him to know the effect he had on her. She knew what would happen. He would be merciless. He would never let her get her heart back. And she knew she'd end up breaking his.

So she pushed him away. She even tried leaving Serenity. And the idiot came for her when The Operative was holding her. Why? Why would he risk all that he loved, the ship, the crew, for her? This little voice in her head knew good and well why he did that, but she usually shut that voice up pretty quick. She couldn't let herself think too much about the 'why'. If she did, she would weaken. If she did, she wouldn't keep pushing him away. If she thought too much about the way his eyes softened when looking at her (or Budda forbid the way he looked when Saffron left him nude in the desert) she wouldn't have the strength to make him see that he shouldn't waste his time with her. He shouldn't waste his heart on her.

But she couldn't bring herself to do it. She was standing there, and then she couldn't bring herself to say "Yes, take me home". Because she knew she was home. She knew that Serenity was where she should stay. And she knew it all boiled down to one reason.

She couldn't let him waste his heart.

So Inara decided to stay. She didn't know if Mal would ever finally make his gorram move. But she knows that she can't hurt him again. She'll wait for him, although she feels like she's burning from the inside out, obviously in need of him. Even though she lies in bed at night aching for him.

And then, something in their world changed. One day, while in the midst of a job, it all went pear-shaped. The crew they were bargaining with decided they weren't happy with their cut. So they decided to 'renegotiate' by grabbing Inara and Kaylee, holding their weapons trained directly at their heads. Zoe, level-headed as always, started to try and diffuse the situation. Inara took one look at Mal, and what she saw scared her more than the gun at her head.

Mal's eyes showed fear. And in a split second, it was all over.

For a few seconds, Inara didn't even register what had happened. Then she realized that no one was holding her. She saw Zoe grab Kaylee, who was about to pass out from fear. And then, she felt arms wrap around her waist. And before she could blink, Mal's lips came crashing down onto hers.

Inara realized in that instant that she was done as a Companion. There was no way she could ever pretend to feel passion with another man. Not like the passion she felt in this kiss that seemed to last forever.

Mal pulled back, then rested his forehead on hers. "I got ya." He whispered. "Nobody is ever gonna hurt you 'Nara. Not as long as I'm here." Inara was vaguely aware of Zoe leading Kaylee away to the others, discreetly giving them some privacy. "But what about you?" she whispered. "Won't you get hurt, by me?" Tears welled up as she anticipated him coming to his senses, realizing that she wasn't what he wanted, that she was a waste of his love, his heart.

Mal smiled gently. "I would be more hurt by losing you. Don't think you'd be doing me a favor by keeping yourself away from me."

Inara keeps trying. And trying. But till the day she dies she will never understand why that fool loves her. But she knows that she's more to him than a pretty face, an accessory to hang off his arm to impress other men. She's the woman privileged to hold his heart. And she swears to herself she won't let it go to waste.

Please let me know what you think. And I'm on the hunt for a Beta, if any are interested. Hugs and Virtual Cookies for all!