"Old people at weddings always poke me and say 'You're next.' So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals."

Hermione Granger, one of Harry's best friends, merely rolled her eyes. "You have been at this for an hour now, Harry. Can we please move on," the curly-haired girl pleaded, looking to her boyfriend for backup.

Unfortunately, said boyfriend was too busy laughing at his mate to pick up on the cue. After recovering from a swift blow to the side, Ron finally managed to pitch in a "Yeah, let's go."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Thanks, Ron," she said sarcastically.

When she reached to grab Harry's arm, she was lightly swatted away. "This one is going to break," he declared confidently, staring fixedly at his target.

Sighing, Hermione finally looked up at target number three. The man looked exactly like the other two, although that was not much of a surprise. All of the guards at Buckingham Palace wore the exact same outfit: a red jacket with gold buttons, black cuffs, and a black collar, a white belt placed right above their waist, white gloves, and black pants with a strip of red running along each pant leg. Of course, one couldn't forget the silly black fuzz balls mistakenly called hats. She already had five or six close-up pictures of those.

"Harry, these people are trained to keep their composure," she informed her friend. "You can't truly think you can get them to start laughing at your jokes."

Stubborn as usual, Harry only shook his head. "There has to be something that will make him crack," he reasoned out loud.

For the next fifteen minutes, the dark-haired boy tried every joke he could think of with absolutely zero results. Eventually, Hermione decided that she just couldn't wait any longer. They only had four days left in London, and she had a whole list of places she wanted to visit before they had to go back home and start packing for school again. She wanted to watch the secondhand tick away on Big Ben. She wanted to hold Ron's hand as they rode the London Eye. She wanted to touch the walls of the House of Parliament and open the doors of Westminster Abbey. The list seemed endless, and their summer vacation was quickly coming to a close. As a result, Harry was soon left to stare at the guard alone.

While his friends may have thought that there was nothing different about guard number three, Harry was positive that this one was someone special. Maybe it was the way his hat was tilted or the number of metals he wore (the most Harry had seen). Maybe it was the black hair or the frown. Even though he couldn't quite place what it was, Harry knew that he could get through to this particular guard. Granted, he had thought the exact same thing with guard number one, a blonde with thin lips, and guard number two, a brunette with scuffed black shoes. Harry would rather believe that he had learned his lesson and was now an expert at identifying the right ones.

"Did you hear about what happened with the Energizer Bunny? He got charged with battery."

Nothing.

Time to switch tactics. Commence the Art of Annoyance.

"It's okay. I'm actually not much of a comedian. Ron – the guy who was here with the short, red hair – is the only one I can ever make laugh. I'm Harry Potter, by the way. I just turned twenty-one this summer, and Hermione – the girl that was beside me half an hour ago – came up with the idea to celebrate in London. She's been dying to come here since we were sixteen, so she was super excited. I'm guessing she is in some museum by now. She is kind of the bookworm type if you didn't notice. Personally, I'm content with standing here and talking to you. I was thinking maybe we could have a nice chat before your shift ends, and then maybe we can hit the bar with my friends. Unless you don't drink. Then we can find a café or something. Actually, it would probably best if you picked the place, wouldn't it? Since, you know, you live here and all."

It might have been his imagination, but Harry could have sworn he saw a dark eyebrow twitch.

"Sooooo…What do you normally do?"

Something in the man's eye made Harry think he was being silently insulted.

"Okay, obviously, I meant besides guarding Buckingham Palace."

Now he was reading something close to irritation. He supposed that was progress.

"Do you have tea with the Queen? Party with the princes?"

Annoyance. There was definitely a flash of annoyance.

"I'd actually like to spend some time with Prince William one day. He seems like a cool bloke. You seem like a cool bloke, too. I have a feeling that we could be good mates. You know, Ron is planning on proposing to Hermione the night before we leave London. While those two lovebirds fawn over each other, you and I could hang out. It would be perfect."

If Harry had a ruler, he bet that he could prove that the guard's eyes had narrowed by a few nanometers.

"I think we will get along very well, actually. We have a lot in common. For starters, we both have dark hair."

Another flash of annoyance.

"Then there is the fact that we both like red. You should see my apartment! I have a red bedspread, red towels, red pajamas, red everything. I even have a red jacket, but it looks nothing like yours."

A battle was warring in the guard's eye, and Harry wondered if Annoyance would triumph over Irritation.

"We both speak English. At least, I'm assuming you speak English. Why don't you say something so that I can be sure?"

Okay. Irritation was whipping Annoyance's butt.

"It was worth a try," Harry grumbled with a shrug.

As it was, Harry was running out of ideas. He could pretend that he saw an eyebrow twitch or a glare all he wanted, but he knew he wouldn't be satisfied until he got a big reaction. Besides, he was starting to realize that what he said about wanting to be friends with the guard wasn't a lie. Even though the guard had yet to say a word, Harry could just imagine the man as sarcastic, smart, and snarky – someone…entertaining…to have around.

If Harry were being completely honest to himself, he would add that the guard wasn't too bad looking, either. Earlier, Harry had glimpsed strands of black hair stuffed under the hat. In the young man's imagination, the guard's hair would fall a few inches past his chin. The hair's darkness would accentuate the man's pale skin, and the length would draw attention to the man's broad shoulders. But even with the guard's hair smashed into the ridiculous hat, the man was still quite handsome.

"You'll have to forgive me, but I am growing desperate now," Harry began after a few minutes of silence. "Now keep in mind that I cannot take credit for what you hear next. It all comes from a calendar Ron's brothers gave me after I came out last year. Are you ready?"

Hmm. An absolutely blank expression.

Harry sighed before forging ahead. "Men are like clothes. The cutest ones usually come from Europe."

It might have been a simple blink, but Harry thought the guard might have closed his eyes in pain (or appreciation?).

"Yeah, I thought you might appreciate that one. All right, let's hope you're ready for this next one... Men are coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night."

Alas, the guard's expression escaped Harry who had unintentionally disturbed an elderly lady with particularly sensitive ears. When he finally convinced the woman that he had said "lead you right," any sign of the guard's amusement had disappeared. Pouting, he racked his brain for one of the tamer sayings.

"Men are like fairy tales. They seem to make more sense when you're young…I think that lady would agree with that one."

A movement of the lips.

"Men are like sunsets. Fun to watch and you can see a new one every night."

A slight wrinkle of the noise.

Harry rubbed the back of his head. "I'm not much of a fan of that one, either, but I don't think the old ladies will like my last one."

Back to the blank look.

"Well if you insist!" It was time to unleash the secret weapon, and it was a fairly risky one at that. He'd either score or find himself facing the barrel of the guard's gun. But at this point, he could not have anything else to say. He would just have to suffer the consequences.

Taking a huge breath and adopting a façade of confidence, he took a few steps closer to the guard so that only a few inches separated their chests. "Men are like shampoo. The more body they give you, the more you like them," he whispered, not even attempting to try for a sexy voice. According to his so-called friends, his "sexy voice" made him sound like a chain smoker.

When the guard made no move, Harry let his shoulders slump in defeat. "Well, that was the best I've got. They really train you guys well, don't they? I wonder if you can get an award for surviving The Final Battle against one Harry Potter. If I run into the Queen, I promise to suggest it to her."

Heavily disappointed but grateful for the lack of bloodshed, Harry finally gave guard number three some (much needed) personal space. Back in his original spot, he found it easier to avoid the pale man's gaze. He studied his watch and realized that two hours had passed since Ron and Hermione had ditched him. He also vaguely remembered promising to meet the pair back at their hotel for a late lunch and figured he should probably be leaving soon. Somehow, he still had a shred of dignity, and his foolish brain decided to give it one last shot.

"Umm, I don't know when you get off work, but I will be at Le Club at one. I'll look for you there, and then maybe we'll finally have a proper introduction."

And just as Harry had turned around to find himself a cab, he froze when he heard a soft mumble.

"Severus Snape."

While the guard, now to be called Severus, was probably back to his typical, flat frown, Harry walked away with a huge, obnoxious grin. Hermione would never believe it!

A/N: I've kinda had this idea stuck in my head for a loooooong time, and it feels nice to finally have it written out. I have my friend's "men are like" calendar to thank for all the jokes. I hope they made you laugh the way I dod. Anyways, I would love to hear what you guys think of it!

Have an awesome day! ~ Marginal Benefits