Chapter One

"I'll never let go Jack," the actress on the screen promised. "I'll never let go," she repeated before letting go of her love into the murky, black, freezing water. I felt her pain, it reminded me of a sweeter, more tragic version of the way Edward and my lost love. Edward wanted me to have a normal human life as Jack wanted Rose to get married and have lots of babies, basically a normal human life. She did those things, I, on the other hand, did not. I couldn't.

I couldn't move on. I felt like a mix of Rose and Juliet, but I wasn't as brave as Rose or stupid as Juliet. I wouldn't throw everything away as Juliet did. I had to take care of my kitchen challenged father. I had to be sure my harebrained mother was happy with my athletic stepfather. I needed Jacob to be happy.

No matter how much pain I faced, I knew it would be magnified seventy times over if I did what Juliet did, for my parents. I ran a hand through my hair turned off the television as the movie ended. I popped the last piece of candy from the chocolate box into my mouth and picked up my Shar-pei puppy, Poopystoops (he pooped on the front stoop). I had convinced Charlie we needed a guard dog and went and adopted Poopystoops the first chance I got. We called him Poopy for short. He was only a month old.

I missed the Cullen's like crazy, so much that it felt like I was dying. Slowly. Painfully. I just wanted them here. I wanted them. I wanted to go back in time to when Edward said he…didn't want…me. I wanted to go back to that time to tell him I would always love him. I would never have a human life. Nothing normal. Not ever. Not again. It was not possible. Not after everything we'd been through.

I missed his topaz eyes and how he'd kiss me at night. I missed the way I slept in his arms. I missed everything about him. After all that time, six months, I still wanted him. I missed him. I saw his eyes every time I slept. But he was still gone. Nothing would change that.

I had never told him, and I should've said, nothing would be the same without him, I needed him, I may be his heroine, but he was my oxygen. Every night I would pray that he would come back. I knew God heard my prayers, but maybe it was just that I wasn't ready, I just hoped it was possible or even if it was just one day I'd see him, that would be enough. Just so I could say what I needed to, that would be okay.

"Hi Poopy," I smiled and my currently blurry looking puppy. He was blurry for obvious reasons (crying). He licked my cheek happily and I kissed his wrinkled forehead. "Hi cutie, hi Poopy!" I exclaimed, blowing on his tummy. "Are you a good boy?"

I set him on the ground and he picked up his rubber bone and ran into the kitchen.

Chasing after him on all fours, it was definitely difficult to catch up, but I did. Only until I came to a corner where I found a note that had dust, dirt, dog pee and missing areas. I opened it, sitting on my knees and read:

Dad,

Gone for a walk with Edward in the woods.

-B

I hadn't written it. I could tell I hadn't written it. Not only because I knew I didn't but it wasn't completely my handwriting. It was tidier, a lot tidier. That wasn't my handwriting.

Edward must've written it.

Six months ago.

My lip quivered, my brows furrowed and my eyes filled. I ripped it as many times as my heart broke. Well, I tried. But paper can only tear so much. A heart can shatter trillions of times. Maybe more. Mine certainly felt like it had reached its maximum capacity.

The tears fell, more and more… Quicker and quicker… It hurt. Poopystoop ran up to me and crawled into my lap, nuzzling my tummy lovingly. I set the letter down and held Poopy close to my chest. He licked my chin, making me giggle. I adored him. I loved him. He was my baby.

I sobbed hard though, no matter how much I loved my baby Poopy, no one, not even my baby could stop me from feeling the pain. He couldn't stop the pain from my love that would never be reciprocated. He didn't love me.

That was that.

I couldn't say anything about it.

I couldn't do anything about it.

No matter how much I wanted to.

No matter how much I wanted to change his mind.

Emails didn't go through, phones were disconnected…

It was actually, kind of humiliating. It was pathetic. Shut down all connections so they would not have any contact what so ever with me. No chance of it.

Lucky them I suppose, but my lines of communication would always be open to them. And if they were to walk in the door like nothing ever happened, that would be fine.

If Emmett would walk in and take me to the Zoo as we'd planned I would hop into the bear's den with him and poke it as he played with his food.

If Jasper were to be sitting on the couch reading a Civil War book while talking to me about things I had no idea about I would ask him about his experiences.

If Esme would appear in the kitchen making Charlie a cake I would help her make it.

If Carlisle were to be sitting in Charlie's chair reading to himself about medical mysteries and telling me about them.

If Rose were to insult me unprovoked it would be welcomed.

If Alice were to swoop in and steal me away to the mall and bring me to her house to play Bella Barbie, I would accept.

Without a doubt.

If Edward were to be waiting upstairs in my room for me, I would hope and pray he wouldn't leave me while I slept in his arms.

I would welcome it all and pray it never ended.

Which it would.

Because my luck runs out quickly.

Later that night I made myself bowl of macaroni and cheese. I ate it greedily and made my way upstairs with Poopy. First stopping in the bathroom for a 'human moment.' Before I went to my room I looked in the mirror at my reflection.

I had certainly changed since they left. I suppose late development was a consequence of early puberty. My hips had widened. Not in fat, not at all. Luckily I had avoided my mother's thunder thighs, as she called them. I was a size five now instead of a two. My breasts had sprouted from an A cup to a 32D. I had curves now, and I was rather proud of it. My waist was tiny now and my hair was much longer and very curly.

That was basically the only thing for me to be proud of in the last six months, other than joining the volleyball team. I was captain, I felt bad about taking Jessica's spot but it wasn't really my choice, Coach Cindy decided who was captain. Jessica hated me. She hated me. But it was okay I suppose. We were never good friends anyways.

Sleep never came easy for me but eventually it did find me.

As usual I dreamt the same dreams.

Nightmares may be a better way to describe it.

I didn't wake up screaming that night. I woke up to Poopy peeing on my sheet, I shrieked, "No Poopy!" I grabbed him and ran downstairs and out the front door and set him down in the grass outside

He took a poop and started running down the street, yipping. "No!" I yelled and ran after him. "No Poopy! Come back Poopystoops!" I cried, tears spilling over again before tripping over my own feet yet again.

My knee scraped on the cement and I was suddenly very aware that I was wearing boyshort panties and a flannel shirt only. It didn't make a difference.

I needed my baby!

So I had to keep going for him. I ran and ran hearing his yipping get farther and farther away. "Poopystoops!" I called and continued stumbling through the streets.

I was horrified, what if someone hit him?

What if he gets taken?

Lost?

Is he scared?

Lonely?

Hungry?

Is he looking for me?

Why did he run off?

I made myself stop crying and just run. I was determined to find him, no matter what, he was what kept me grounded…for the most part. I just needed my puppy. I just needed sleep too.

I was on the verge of turning around, and giving up. Until I heard a faint whimper in a nearby bush. I ran over, stepping on a small shard of glass. There, in the bush, sat my baby. I had been right. He was scared. I reached for him and picked him up before starting on my way home.

It was so peaceful, I realized. Nighttime. It was dark but the streetlights were bright enough to keep me from being scared. It was actually kind of ridiculous, after all, Victoria was after me and I was feeling safe. She could've killed me then. I wouldn't have known she was there. But something much bigger, I felt, would be her plan of attack. She would want me to suffer. Maybe she'd suffocate me or drown… But I didn't want to think of that.

So I thought of other things… Edward. Alice. Jasper. Emmett. Rosalie. Esme. Carlisle. Those sorts of other things. I felt the wind get knocked out of me and the blow to my chest. It was internal, it was as if my body was physically punishing me for even thinking about them. Not to mention the emotional pain was indescribable. But as horrific as it was, every second of thinking about them was worth it.

Because I knew.

I knew they were real.

I knew they were out there.

Somewhere.

Maybe in Maine?

Or New Hampshire?

Maybe Massachusetts?

Or perhaps on a different continent entirely…

Where ever they were I wished them the best, silently hoping the best was me.

Of course I knew better.

There would be someone better than me.

There always was…

In everything.

Soccer, football, basketball, baking, sewing, math, and even love.

But I wanted them happy. Needed them to be happy.

I couldn't force myself on them. I wouldn't be able to if I wanted to. Damn, did I want to. But I had no idea where they were. How they were. Anything.

I think that was what hurt the most.