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-straight from my heart-

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Dear Toby,

You probably won't even finish reading this letter; you're that mad at me. And I get it, but there are things you need to know, things I'm not brave enough to say to your face. So, before you rip this letter in half, before you burn it or toss it or forget all about it—all about me—just read it. Please, Toby. This is one of the few times I'm saying something straight from my heart.

Toby, I love you. I've never said it out loud before, but I do. I know it's been implied, but I've never told you, in those words, and you have a right to know. The one thing in my life, my crazy, troubled, lie-ruled life, that I am absolutely sure of is my feelings for you. Before I showed up on your porch that day, I thought you were a creepy murderer. I thought you and I were too different to ever coexist. And thinking that was the single worst mistake I've ever made, and trust me, I've made an immeasurable amount of careless, stupid mistakes. I remember once, when we were in sixth grade, we kissed behind the school, and we swore to forget about it. But, Toby, I never did. When you kissed me outside that hotel, ("It was so much fun to kick your ass at Scrabble." I had fun, too, even though I lost; you were the first person to ever beat me.) all I thought about was how you smelled exactly the same. How I wished we could've met under different circumstances. How I wished I could take back, erase, every filthy thing I've ever said about you.

I never told you this, but I saw you cry twice. The first time, we were maybe thirteen. We were in seventh grade, and I saw you sitting by this huge, overgrown tree, just crying. I felt so terrible, and even though we barely knew each other, I felt like I wanted to cry, too. Later, I found out your mother died, and I wanted to offer my condolences, but didn't know how. Finally, behind Ali's back, I wrote you this unsigned note. If you still have it, I just want you to know, I'm the one who wrote it, and I'm sorry I was too much of a coward to say how sorry I was to your face. Seems like I'm to cowardly, period, when it comes to you. The second time is one I'll never forget. It was only a few weeks ago, though it seems like a lifetime. It was a couple days after you got out on bail, and I was jogging when I saw you walking down the street. Everyone was pointing, whispering, calling you a killer and so many other disgusting things. At the time, I regret to say, I didn't trust you. But when I saw you break down in that silent, dirty, dark alley, I realized that maybe logic tells lies. Because how could you be a killer, sitting there crying like that? And even though I still had lingering suspicions about your involvement in what happened to Ali, I felt strangely sympathetic. I never told you, or anyone else, about that day, but I remember it so clearly. It was that stark, vivid image, one I will always remember, that went through my head when I showed up on your porch, thinking, maybe we can help each other. Maybe there's a chance we can work together to fix this mess for both of us. I had good intentions, Toby, but even I didn't expect to fall head over heels in love, and you probably didn't either.

That day, when I bought you the truck, I wanted to say it. Those three words. I loveyou. I never said them to anyone before, and I wanted it to be perfect. Because, hell, we deserve deserved it. (But we're not a "we", an "us" anymore, and Toby, it breaks my heart.) Toby, I've never been one for feelings. We never talk about it in my family. Gifts, material things, are substitutes for congratulations, I-love-yous, and apologies. I guess that's why I was always head over heart, logic over love. But meeting you changed that, Toby. Whenever I am—was—around you, I felt like my head and my heart agreed for once—they both wanted you. You showed me who I could really be. Not the robotically-perfect Spencer Hastings I was on the surface, but the girl who could let loose and laugh, and kiss in a symbolic truck and, yes, fall in love. You beat me to it, though, saying that you loved me. That was the most amazing thing I've ever heard. And when we kissed afterward, I felt like I was floating on air. Like all my problems were totally irrelevant. Forget cloud nine; I was on cloud ninety. No, nine hundred. You were the only one who could make me feel safe and protected; you were my sanctuary, my safe place to land. Do you remember when I told you that? I never meant to say it; it just kind of came out. But you are were the only one who could make me feel loved and wanted and cared for.

When I broke up with you, when I ran out of that truck, it was the worst moment of my life. Worse than having the police show up at my house, worse than finding Alison's body, worse than Ian confronting me in the bell tower. There wasn't just emotional pain, but physical pain as well. But let me clear something up, Toby. I did trust you; I do trust you, more than I even trust myself, as crazy as it sounds. And I meant what I said, you do deserve someone better. You deserve someone who isn't the cause of pain, and fear, and lies. Someone who you can trust and love. And one day, you'll find her. Someone who will make you forget all about me. But, Toby, I swear, I will never, ever forget you. You, with your eyes (large and glowing and sapphire-blue), your smile (with your adorable dimples that make my knees weak), your lips (that make my heart skip a beat when they touch mine), your laugh (so sweet and strong and perfect), and just you.

I broke up with you, not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I needed to protect you, because everyone close to me ends up getting hurt, all because of me. And Toby, if anything were to happen to you, I would never forgive myself. I ignored you at the police station because I couldn't hurt you. And it broke my heart, hurt me so badly, but it was for you. And that was my consolation; that you're now free from me and all the angst and tragedy and pain. But I did hear you, and I do love you, more than you'll ever know. And your showing up to the police station for me...it made me realize how wrong I was about you, how close you are to my heart.

My friends think I should talk to you face-to-face, but I can't. I can't bear talking to you, hurting both of us. "Hurting" is the wrong word; "destroying" is more accurate. What I said to you when you tried to give me that beautiful rocking chair—"What I want is for you to forget about me!"—haunts me, because I saw how much it killed you when you heard my words. It killed me, too. Toby, I never would've imagined anyone could ever matter to me as much as you do. I wish I'd kissed you one last time before I ran out of your life, forever. Our last kiss...I didn't know it would be our last, and I wish I could've somehow tried to make it longer, deeper, sweeter...Toby, without you, I have nothing left. Emily and I are fighting, my parents hate me, half the town—or more—thinks we're murderers, and you're gone. I've lost everything, and I guess I deserve it.

I'm so, so sorry, Toby, for everything. And now that you know how I feel, I hope you can find a way to give me a second chance. You can be my friend, maybe not my boyfriend, but I can't stand the thought of you hating me. You once told me to call you if I wanted to run away, and I honestly once did, a week after you said it, before I realized dragging you into the insane mess called my life wasn't fair. And I put the phone down and just went to bed, knowing that seeing you the next day would take all my negative feelings away.

Toby, I love you. And I promise, I'll never stop trying to find a way for us to be together. Because I'm a smart girl; I know true love. And what we have had, was true love.

I'm so sorry. I know it probably doesn't mean very much now, but I am. And I will regret it, the whole rest of my life. You will always be in my heart, Toby, because as I was falling apart, I was falling in love. And you caught me. You always did. Losing you, I fell flat on my face. But I'll never stop trying to stand up again. Besides, I'm Spencer Hastings, and I fight to the death. And for you, it'll always be worth it.

Love,

Spencer

A/N: So. This was a rushed, random idea I came up with, at like 2 am (you know you're obsessed when you're thinking about PLL at 2 in the morning) so it's pretty bad, but review anyway? Pretty please with Spoby on top? :D

~.moonbeams

P.S. OMG 5 DAYS TILL THE WINTER PREMIERE! Yeah, I'm a little excited...LOL.