Disclaimer: this counts for the first chapter, and the entire story since I kind of forgot about the first one.

It's Definitely the Eyes

Polyamorous.

I guess that is a word that applies to me.

I'm in love with two people.

Actually, three, if you count Johnny. Who I'm not actually in love with. It's totally just lust. I hate his guts, actually. I mean, yeah, I guess it's kind of two faced, what with me p'tending to be his friend slash brother from another mother, all the time. I've been secretly hating him slash lusting after him, on the inside, for about three, no four, years.

I want him to fuck me. Pure and simple. I want him to pin me down, shove his tongue down my throat, and proceed with the crazy-mad-gay-love-making I long for. (Yuffie's words are occasionally suitable descriptions)

I guess, if you think about it, and realize that I'm deinitely gay, and he's definitely hot, that's okay.

Except, well, I want it to hurt. I want him to hit me while he's doing it. I want to say no, stop and have him continue on with it. I want him to murmur about how I'm such a disgusting fag, about how I need to shut up because we both know I want it. I want him to mock me as he's doing it.

Then after he's shamed me completely I want him to say he loves me.

Pretty fucked up right?

My psychiatrist, Dr. Strife, Cloud's mother, says that I don't actually want that. She says they're just dreams, just nightmares, they aren't sexual fantasies, despite the fact that I wake up with my semen all over my stomach. She says that that's just an extension of how he makes me feel about myself. She says it's just an extension of the fear I've held inside of me for so long. She says it's just because that nameless bastard pinned me down and raped me over and over again when I was ten.

I've forgotten his name. It's almost as if not remembering his name makes it so that it never happened. I could always find out, simple enough to do. I could walk up to my ma and say, "What's da's brother's name again?"

Then I'd know. Then the memories would start flooding back in. Then the five-thousand, six-hundred and fifty-seven times he forced me to do things for him would all come rushing back in one giant rush of memories and I'd remember every reason I hate myself. (I can't remember the real number, but with all the nightmares, with every time I've relived every time he touched me, forced me to touch him, to suck him, such a high number is probably too low)

Not even Cloud knows about that.

It's my deep dark secret.

I'm not a virgin.

Despite the fact that I've barely even made out with my guy.

Which is why he's getting frustrated with me. Which is why he's been bitching me out. It's also why he's starting to hate Cloud.

I could lie and say that I have no idea why he is blaming Cloud, but, like I said, I'd be lying.

It's not like he has a legitimate worry anyway.

Cloud is straight.

That bitch Tifa, and her boobs, and her eyes, and her smile and every other part about her that is just totally one hundred percent sickeningly perfect proves it.

Gaia, I hate that woman.

What can she do for Cloud that I can't? I bet I'm better at blow-jobs. Completely barring the fact that I'm inexperienced, I know I could do it better than that slut. I KNOW I'm a better cook. And, if you consider how totally obsessed Cloud is with food (almost as much as me, but, hey, teenage boys much?) that should make it a no brainer.

But no, what makes it a no brainer is her gigantic bust.

And my dick.

Yep, there's no way Cloudy would be into me.

I'm just going to have to moon after my chocobo-head for the rest of my life. I'm just going to have to p'tend to be his best friend forever. I'm just gonna have to not look too closely when he bends over. I'm just gonna have to look elsewhere when he's shirtless, and I'm just gonna have to ignore those goddamnes gorgeous eyes of his.

I mean, the fact that he has such a horrible limp, from that horrible break in his leg when he was a kid, that made it so his left leg was three inches shorter than his right, should be a turn off. (Okay maybe not three inches, probably more like one and a half to two inches, but it's definitely noticeable.)

I like legs. Love them, really. Which is strange, when you consider the fact that, normally, straight guys like legs. Reno's legs are goddamn amazing. He shaves them, which is one of his more girly aspects, which I regularly tease him for. It's the only thing I can get him to blush about, which is fucking hot. Anyways, his legs look hot in shorts, especially when those shorts are my boxers, and are topped by one of my shirts.

But I also like the ass, and well, Cloud's ass is amazing. Not that Reno's isn't. Reno has a really fucking hot ass. It's embarassing really, I looked at mine once or twice to see if my ass looked as good as theirs and I just couldn't tell. I've wanted to ask Cloud what he thinks of my ass, but he'd probably shove his foot up it if I did. I HAVE asked Reno and he just looked at me for a few minutes before making a few comments about the number of squats I do, and how goddamn loose my jeans are, and told me he'd need me to either take off my pants or wear some tighter jeans for him to be able to tell. I went for the last one. He stared for a while. Then he took me to a club where we danced for a few hours, and I completely forgot all about the question.

Then we got home and he whispered in my ear that I had the hottest ass he's ever seen. Then we made out for a while and he grabbed my ass and pushed me into a wall, and I freaked out.

And then we have the current relationship fiasco we are now suffering with.

And while I'm freaking out about how Reno is going to dump me I can't help but look at Cloud's ass. And admire it. His ass is a walking hard-on. And the way it moves when he walks, because of the limp, is also amazing. More than amazing really….

He'd fucking KILL me if I ever said that out loud.

Right now, we're walking home. I found out he was watching my show. Genesis pointed out the hot blonde in the crowd that was staring at me the entire time and I realized it was Cloud. He's walking a little ahead of me, and he's being his usual quiet self, but it feels strange. It feels like there's something he wants to tell me. It feels like there's something I should say, something I should do, to make him look less slouched over. But right now I can't think of anything to say or do to make up for what I did two days ago. What should I say? I'm sorry I took advantage of the fact that you tripped into my lap and your face was shoved into mine? I'm sorry I shoved my tongue in your mouth?

I'm not sorry. And I'm a fucking horrible liar.

So I'm following him silently.

He turns around at one point and stops moving. I walk a few steps and stop moving when I'm only a few feet away from him. I look into his gorgeous eyes, and realize that if there were any way Cloud would be mine, I'd dump Reno in a heartbeat.

Then I hate myself for that thought. Because I know Reno hasn't ever loved anyone as much as he loves me. And I know I love Reno a lot. Just not as much as Cloud.

I will always love Cloud.

It's the eyes.

Really, what I like the most, about anyone, really, are the eyes.

Cloud's eyes are breathtaking. The deepest cerulean I've ever seen. So dark, and yet so bright at the same time, that you want to stare at them forever to see, if maybe, one day you'll be able to figure out the names to every color blue hidden within his eyes, every secret those colors hide, every thought that's ever been expressed by those eyes. Cloud's eyes give everything away. He doesn't need facial expressions.

His face is the epitome of poker. Play against him, and if it weren't for the fact that he has the worst goddamned luck on the face of the planet (I mean, really, lukemia at age three? Dead dad at age five? Broken leg gone bad and a permanent limp for the rest of your life? Getting stuck in a café that gets shot up and end up with a dead older sister? Bad shit happens to Cloud, and the poor guy has never won a card game. Ever.) The rules of poker say he would totally win, just because there is no way to read his poker face.

Only two and a half people on this earth would stand a chance agaisnt him. They're the only people who know how to read Cloud's eyes. Me, Cloud's Ma, and sometimes Reno. Reno's the half, since he's a dumb fuck who is socially retarded, I don't care what the SATs, the ACTs, or the 5.3 GPA say, he's the stupidest mother-fucker on the face of the planet.

I mean, seriously, what kind of dumbfuck would believe I'm not attracted to Reno? He's gorgeous. Not a lot of people see it, especially with those hideous glasses he wears to school, and the fact that he doesn't bother with his hair, or his clothes, before school, because well, if he doesn' have two hours to get ready he doesn't even bother, and school starts at 7:30 am, and Reno doesn't EVER get up before 7:25, so the rest of the world has to put up with his bed head, his nerd glasses, and his rumpled up dress shirt and dress slacks, because that's the kind of bitch he is. (I don't have a clue how he makes such a slobby outfit look sexy, but god damn me if that outfit isn't a walking hard-on. And well, I guess I've got it really bad. Especially if I think he's gorgeous even when he's puking up vodka. I hate alcohol and even the thought of excessive drinking, because my dad is an alcoholic asshole, but I don't complain when Reno gets drunk. Fuck, I even think it's cute, and that's just so fucking confusing because I hate drunk people. And damn me, when I look at him during the only class we have together and just want to walk over and grab him. Fuck me if I don't want to sit by him and put my arm around him, or at least just pass notes the entire class period, all of them centered around the fact that I think he's gorgeous today, and no the bed head isn't a turn off, the opposite actually, I'm hard right now.)

Reno's eyes are gorgeous. They're a bright, icy blue with a wicked gleam. They scream sex. Sex. Sex. Which is what he's been pushing for lately. And sex is what I'm extremely uncomfortable with right now, and two weeks from now, and three years from now, and I just don't know how to tell him. I can't just say "Gods damn me, Reno, yes I want to fuck. Yes I want to suck you off, just like you've sucked me. Yes I want to touch you just like you've touched me. Yes I want to fuck you, and have you fuck me. And fuck yes, I'm cool with the fact that you like to switch it up and fuck your partner just as often as they fuck you. No, goddamnit I don't think of you as my slut. No, I'm not really straight. No, I'm not repulsed by you. No, I'm not p'tending you're a girl. I am interested in guys. In you. I want to be with you that way, I really do. But I can't, can't, can't. Do that. Because I'm SCARED. Terrified,really. Because I know that as soon as I'm feeling even a touch vulnerable I'm going to freak the fuck out, because I'm fucked up like that. And I know we've been together for two years, and that since we're both legal we should do it sometime soon, and I know that for a male-on-male relationship waiting so long is fucking weird, but I can't, baby, I can't. Not yet. "

Probably not ever. I think it's probably just gonna be me and my hand for the rest of my life. I don't want to tell him that. I know how he'll react.

"We're over."

I can hear those words on his lips right now.

"I don't think we should see each other. I want to see someone else."

I can see him with another guy and it's KILLING ME.

I have two options. Option A- fuck him, and then let him fuck me, turn into a rock while he's doing it, and have him decide I'm bad in bed and that we should break up because I'm a lousy lay. Or Option B- Not option A. Never have sex. And have him break up with me because he think's I'm not attracted to him.

Either way I'm going to end up without Reno. And, gods, it makes me want to cry.

A lot of stuff makes me want to cry nowadays.

I think Reno and Cloud and Johnny are the top of the list.

Actually, I think their eyes are at the top of the list.

Creepy, right?

I love Cloud's eyes. And I love Reno's eyes.

And hell, even Johnny's eyes, though they're brown, and don't fit the running trend of blue, are goddamned gorgeous. They are light brown, not dark, and at the center there's a ring of gold, not many peope notice it, but I do, god I notice it. And the outside rings of his iris's are a really dark green. His eyes get all dark when he's mad, and bright when he's laughing. And I make him laugh a lot, and god damn I'm proud of that.

Cloud hasn't said anything, but he's turned back around and started walking again. And I'm following him. And I want to confess everything that's bringing me down right now. I want to tell him about every stinking little thing that's killing me inside.

I used to tell him everything.

But now I can't tell him.

I can't just open my mouth and say it:

I'm in love with three people.

I know, for a fact, that one of them would hate my guts if I told him. I know Johnny'd beat me up, and I'd let him, I wouldn't even fight back. I'd probably start crying and whimpering, the whiny bitch I am, and he'd be disgusted by that.

I mean, if he'd totally hate my guts just knowing I'm gay, what would he say, or do, really, I think I'm more afraid of what he'd do, if he knew I'm not only a gay, but I'm a gay that's been lusting after him since puberty?

I'm in love with another person who's straight. He'd probably accept that I love him, take pity on me and p'tend that it doesn't creepp him the fuck out. He'd probably steadily start cutting ties,and, one day I'm going to try and call him and the number will be out of order. I'll go over to his house and his ma will say he's not there and she won't tell me where he is. He'll move away, out of my life, and never see me again. I'd be truly alone.

I'd break. I could live through losing Johnny as a friend. I could live through him beating the ever loving shit out of me, but I couldn't live with losing him. He's been by my side since before I can remember. I've always thought of him as an extension of me.

I'll die before I lose Cloud.

Then there's Reno. I love him, really I do. But Reno's dwarfed by Cloud, and Johnny doesn't even hold a candle to Reno. I'd probably cut off my arm, or my dick, or my hands, and my legs, if it would keep Reno from breaking it off.

I am going to do it. Well, actually, I'll try to do it.

Not sex, no, Reno isn't trying to force me into that anytime soon. He's crying because of his blueballs but "no, no, babe, there's no pressure" he says. Which makes me feel guilty as fuck.

He said he'd dump my ass if I didn't make our relationship public-ish. He said I don't have to go on the school announcements and say I'm gay for him (though I doubt anyone would take that seriously) or make out with him in the halls, or hold his hand and walk him to class because he's "not a fucking girl yo", I just have to give him one kiss. On the steps, after homecoming, while everyone's heading home. Walking down those steps.

With my team watching.

With the guys I shower, naked, with, in the locker room, watching.

I will totally get beat up for it. It's actually kind of funny.

But I'll do it for my guy.

Cloud's stopped again. He doesn't turn around this time.

"Can you sleep over tonight?"

I'm surprised he wants that. Especially after me shoving my tongue down his throat. But have I ever been able to say no to Cloud?

No.

"Sure."

And neither of us say anything else. And we keep on walking.

And I continue to try to justify to myself what I'm feeling.

Is it even possible to love two people at once?

But, really, if you think about it, it should really only count as one, since well, Reno is the only one who loves me back.

Or at least acts like he loves me back. We go on dates, we kiss, we dance, we laugh, play around, and make fun of all the sick fucks with sticks up their asses together.

That should make it a no brainer right?

That should make it so that I only love one person, since only one person loves me back.

It doesn't though.

I will always, always, always, love Cloud.

"Cloud?"

He stops and turns around.

"Yah?" His voice is so soft, but it's always been a comfort to me. He can't sing for his life, not like Reno. But that doesn't matter. His voice is beautiful anyways.

"Can I tell ya something?"

"Is it something I already know?"

I pause for a moment and look into his eyes and see the dread that's in them. I think he probably does know. I know he doesn't want me to say it. I start walking and he starts walking by my side. I don't need to ask him to start moving. He knows me. He knows I can't just stay still.

"I think ya prolly do, but, I really need to get it out in the open."

"Then go ahead."

And I chicken out and decide to tell him something else, that's just as true as what I really wanted to say, but is also the complete opposite.

"I love Reno."

He freezes for a moment. Everything about him stops moving so abruptly it's almost violent. I turn around and move so that I stand directly in front of him. He looks up at me and look into his eyes. I see a flash of relief, then anger, then fear, and then something happens that makes me nearly shit my pants. His eyes go dead. And I get terrified all of a sudden. And for some reason I rush to tell him what I'd just decided to never say.

"But I love you more."

And he looks at me again.

A/N: Did I make Cloud and Zack sound like two different people? It's a poll, now. I kind of want to know.