Hime-sama

by: Bakunawa

Crack Tales: Beauty and the Beast

Once upon a time, in the Land of Fire, there lived an Uchiha and his two sons.

One day, the Uchiha was to go to a far-off place and he asked his sons what they wanted on his return.

The first son wanted dark purple nail polish and a new set of eyeballs. The youngest son, whose name was Beauty, said, "The fuck am I allowing this again!"

"Son, I wouldn't do that if I were you," sighed the Uchiha Patriarch, "Just stick to the script."

"I am not letting anyone desecrate my name," the youngest Uchiha male seethed, "My name is Sasuke. Not Beauty. Not Little Red Riding Hood. SASUKE! You hear that Bakuna-"

Beauty's tirade was cut short with a snap of lightning hitting him in the ass.

"Told you to stick to the script," Fugaku crossed his arms. "Just say your lines before she starts getting funnier ideas."

Shaking all over, with his bum sizzling still, Beauty said, "F-Father, I only need a r-rose... p-plucked by your hand."

"Attaboy!" Itachi slapped his younger brother amicably.

"Assholes..." seethed Beauty.

The Uchiha Patriarch, on his way back home, had to cross through the deep forest. It was dark and Fugaku tried to find a place to sleep. He suddenly found a huge castle in the middle of nowhere and went inside to find nobody. It was totally deserted but as he passed through a great hall, there was a huge table with delicious food, most of them bowls of ramen. Having traveled far, he graciously thank whatever deity was looking after him and he ate.

Fugaku practically inhaled everything on the table like a dying man. And eating unknown food, served by unknown people, in a totally creepy unknown castle in the middle of a totally creepy forest is absolutely fine. It's not like he's marrying someone he just met, right?

Then the dark-haired man went into the bedroom and slept on a soft and fluffy bed.

The next day, too, the Uchiha did not find anyone in the castle. Preparing to leave, he saw a beautiful rose bush growing in the lawn and remembered Beauty's gift.

He plucked a red rose from the bush when suddenly, a ferocious Kitsune sprang. She was wearing fine silk clothes and roared, "I gave you food and a bed to sleep in! And now, you are stealing my roses, dattebayo!"

The Uchiha was frightened, squealing like a school girl, and told the Kitsune about Beauty's gift. The Kitsune decided to let him go only if he promised to send Beauty to this castle.

The Uchiha agreed and ran back home. He cried and told his sons about the great Kitsune and her demands. But Beauty loved her father a lot and agreed to go stay with the Beastly Kitsune.

"Just to set the record straight," Beauty said to his family before leaving, "I hate you all for this."

"That's good, son," Fugaku patted Beauty, seeing him off at the gates. "Just temper down while you're with the Kitsune. You don't want to put shame on yourself and the Uchiha clan because you can't keep a straight head now, do we?"

At first, Beauty was afraid of the Kitsune... kind of.

But slowly, he began to like her... like in a 'i like to shave your hair off' kind of like.

The Kitsune treated Beauty with a lot of kindness.. sort of.

She was never rude to him... much.

She let him stay in the biggest room, because Beauty just had to have the biggest one, and let him roam in the beautiful garden.

Beauty would sit near the fireplace and sew while the Kitsune kept him company.

"I didn't know you could sew," she murmured, mesmerized by Beauty's deft hands.

"Shut up, dobe," answered Beauty, blushing madly.

One day, the Kitsune asked Beauty to marry her, but he refused. He was still afraid of her fearful-looking face.

"Hold on a second!" the Kitsune exclaimed to the skies, "Nobody said anything about marriage."

"And I'd rather have my entire clan slaughtered before I say 'I do' to this dobe," Beauty added, flustered.

"Right back at you, teme!"

Two lightning strikes to the asses and they both kept their mouths shut.

The Kitsune still treated her kindly and with a lot of love. But Beauty missed his father a lot.

"Actually, I fucking don't," Beauty muttered.

"Will you shut it, baka-teme?" the Kitsune told him off under her breath, giving him a magic mirror and said, "Here. Look at the mirror and you can see your clan again. Believe it. Now, will you stop mouthing off because unlike you, I like my derriere unscathed."

One day, Beauty looked in the mirror and saw that Fugaka was indeed dead and so was the entire Uchiha clan.

He went to the Beast and cried, "I'm leaving! I need to avenge my clan!"

The Kitsune countered, "Dude, you totally asked for it. And besides, you promised you would never leave this castle." Saying this, she stormed out of the room, all nine tails flurrying in her wake.

But after some time, she came to Beauty and said, "I changed my mind. You can go and find the bastard that massacred your clan. But you must promise to return after that."

Beauty was very happy and agreed. Then she left and went to Orochimaru's place to become an avenger.

The Snake Sennin, on seeing Beauty, felt very happy indeed.

Beauty stayed with the mad Sennin for two years until he caught his family's murderers, who happened to be his brother Itachi and one of his older cousins, who was supposedly KIA before either Beauty or Itachi was born, but was actually alive and was posing as one of the deceased Uchiha forefathers... it was all very confusing but Beauty killed Itachi anyway. The other guy got away.

Beauty totally forgot about the Kitsune and her castle. But one night, he had a terrible nightmare in which he saw the Kitsune was very ill and about to die. She was crying, "Beauty, you fucking bastard, come back!"

Beauty woke up and went back to the castle, because he did not mean to hurt the Kitsune. He cried and said, "Please don't die, Kitsune! I will live with you forever!"

The Kitsune miraculously changed into a beautiful blonde princess. She said, "I was under a curse all these years, believe it! I could only be relieved when someone fell in love with me. I am now cured of the curse because you truly love me."

And then, Beauty and the Kitsune were married and together they lived happily ever after.

"We did no such thing, dattebayo!" the former-Kitsune protested.

"Me? Married to her?" Beauty grimaced, "I'd rather have Itachi raised from the dead and start a world war, than..." Eyed the golden haired princess up and down.

"Ex-cuse me?" the blonde fully turned her attention to her partner, "Don't you give me that damn hairy eyeball and if anyone asks who should be called Beauty now..." she placed extra emphasis to her smooth cream cleavage, "Between you and me, I think you know who it is?"

Beauty opened his mouth for a retort but he completely forgot what it was when his eyes zeroed in on the bountiful bosom she was pushing up.

Bakunawa: I do not own Naruto or Beauty and the Beast.