From A Mile Away-Chapter 6

Sorry again for this taking so long to update. It's really one of my biggest pet-peeves that things get abandoned for months and then you lose all cohesiveness to the story. But this is the end of this one. I'll say more at the end of this but just know that typos are completely my fault. I got an iPad as an early birthday present and I typed the entire chapter on there, I only put it on my computer to upload and even though I edited this, it was late at night and who knows what auto-correct things I missed. So thanks for reading, thanks for your reviews and I hope you enjoy this last chapter.

It took all Spike had to keep from obviously shivering between his nervousness of feeling as if he overstepped in his comments and the sheer cold that had seemed to permeate his t-shirt and cool pants . He desperately wanted to sit still, he didn't want Greg to feel like they should leave or to feel guilty for talking to him; if either of those things happened their conversation would be over and, though Spike had definitely made some headway Greg was not back to normal.

In the silence Spike found himself wondering if Greg would ever be 'back to normal' though. He'd said it time and time again since they'd been talking, he was tired, burned out, haunted, and guilt ridden...could Greg come back from that place of pure darkness and despair? Could anyone? Their job, especially in the role of Sergeant, was not known for it's long term potential. Most SRU officers could make it for 10 or 12 years physically if they get lucky and avoid most injury but psychologically the job took a much larger toll than most anticipated. Spike couldn't help but remember an incident years earlier when a mentor to all of the team and one of the founders in principle of the SRU barricaded himself in the briefing room and nearly took his own life after suffering from severe PTSD and flashbacks. What would come of Greg and Ed and the rest of the team in 20 years when they'd all probably be retired and on their own? The thought was too difficult to finish. The thought of their team ever ending, on good terms or by force, was too hard to comprehend and the idea that things might be changing sooner rather than later made Spike's heart beat faster than when he was ever diffusing a bomb or standing at gun point.. Come on, they'll be other times to worry about yourself. Spike was frustrated that he'd let his mind wander and veer off in such a catastrophic path. Focus now. Greg needs hope. You've proven that you get what he's feeling, now finish it off and just get him to a place where he'd be open to talking...Greg stood suddenly and Spike shot up as well not sure what to think.

"Come on, Spike, you're wearing a t-shirt and you've got to be freezing." Greg said with a hint of a smile.

"I'm fine, boss." Spike stilled all his muscles and shrugged his shoulders. His arms were covered in goosebumps and now that he was standing his legs (which had been crossed on the ground) felt a jolt form the cold air.

"Come on, Spike" Greg said again with a smile as he moved closer and put his arm around Spike's shoulders, "I do have a little experience being a dad and I know that kids will say anything to keep playing outside after dark." Spike smiled and accepted the warmth that Greg's body emitted but he still didn't move from where he stood.

"Sarge, I'm serious, I can stay and I want to stay if you want to talk." Spike made a point of turning and looking Greg in the eye, trying to show his sincerity despite the fact that Greg could now feel his skin and chill.

"I know you'd stay and you have no idea how much I appreciate it, Mike." The use of Spike's 'real name' and the weight that it carried wasn't lost on him as Greg nodded. "But you shouldn't be holding my guilt. It's not fair and I think I'm ready to let some other people into this circle." Spike was hugely relieved to hear that Greg was willing to talk. He had no idea what he would have done if, after this encounter, Greg still refused to see the team or get help. "But promise me something Spike?" Greg said it as a question and it worried him.

"Yeah, boss?" Spike nearly whispered, not sure what he was promising.

"Make sure you visit your Dad's grave and...just try to forgive him. I know that it's tough and it might take time but...people do a lot of things for the people they love that just don't make sense at the time. Sometimes it's walking away, sometimes it's silence, but the motivation is pretty much the same." Greg slowly started walking them out of the building, leading Spike as he thought in silence. When they were about half way across the field on their way towards the building Spike spoke softy, almost as if he'd been enlightened by a thought.

"I think...I think I forgave him a long time ago. I mean I was angry for a long time, I still am at times but...I understood why he was doing it. At a certain point I think even he regretted giving me the silent treatment for the last two years of his life but...but I don't think he could forgive himself for that. I don't think that he could reconcile the fact that he was hurting both of us because he loved me so much and he just felt like he couldn't take it back. He felt like reaching out would make him seem weak and I think that he felt like he needed to be strong for me and my mom when all we wanted from him was a conversation...does that make sense?" He asked as he broke out of his reminiscent speculation.

"Yeah Spike...it makes perfect sense."

"I really hope that you can all accept my apology but I also understand if you can't yet. I did something really unforgivable leaving you guys today, you were a man down and that could have left you all vulnerable if the circumstances were different." Greg paused for a moment and looked around the room. Sam sat close to Jules, closer than they usually would when they were trying to keep their relationship secret but still professionally acceptable; they still needed to get used to the idea of being officially allowed in a realationship. Greg had seen the voicemail from the chief of police and Spike had filled him in on the team dynamics since the call on their way up to the briefing room. Raf sat on the other side of the table, seeming to be paying attention to what was being said but simultaniously in his head. It,was obvious that , even though he'd been on the team for a much shorter time than anyone else, he still felt the bond they held very deeply. Wordy stood against the wall behind Raf, his arms crossed as he leaned on the window sill, just through his demeanor, Greg could tell that he was being supportive and just trying to figure out where he fit in with the team now. He didn't want to admit it and make Wordy feel guilty but having him there felt right. Spike sat close to Greg while everyone else made an effort to keep their distance. Greg knew they were evaluating him, trying to figure out what kind of state he was in, but it was comforting to have Spike close, encouraging him with a soft smile.

Greg was most concerned about Ed and his reactions. The moment they emerged from the elevator Ed put Greg in the briefing room with the rest of the team with explicit directions to stay put and he literally pulled Spike by his collar to another room. They were only away for a few minutes and Ed seemed just as frustrated as he was at the call today so Greg assumed that Spike didn't tell him much. Now Ed stood in the doorframe leaning against the wall similar to Wordy. Where Wordy seemed concerned and supportive though, Ed seemed to be mixed between anger and worry.

"But what happened today wasn't about today." Greg continued to speak, needing to at least try and express some of what was going through his head. "What happened today was what happened when I kept my fear to myself and when I let myself get so drawn into a cycle of self blame and guilt. It's happened before, that cycle of...emotional turmoil but the last time it got this bad I went for a bottle and threw away the life I had and let the people I loved get away. This time I ran away from that pain because I didn't know how to stick it out. It wasn't right but...I didn't realize how important it was that I stuck around." He took a breath and tried to keep the tears from coming to his eyes. "I realized how much your all meant to me but...I didn't realize how much I was loved." He met everyone's eyes and lingered on Spike's for a moment as he spoke again.

"Someone told me recently that keeping up the allusion of stregnth isn't as important as being honest...honestly, I'm having a hard time. I'm not in a good place right now but I know that this isn't going to last forever. And, hopefully in two weeks, I'll be set to join you guys again if you want to take me back and if the department okays it." There was a pause for a moment as everyone processed what was said before Sam spoke.

"Of course we want you back, boss." His tone expressed that there was no question in Greg's return, it was stated as if blatantly obvious. " No one blames you for what happened today, we've all been there." He shrugged as the rest of the team, except Ed, nodded and stood from their chairs and made their way to where Greg stood. Sam grasped Greg's hand tightly and gave a meaningful nod before leaving the room, a nod that expressed his knowledge of the deep guilt that Greg and he held and shared to an extent. Rat also shook his hand but didn't say anything. He'd been on the team for a few months now but he knew there were still things he needed to be caught up on and let into the loop about; it would come in time but not tonight. Jules stood on her toes and hugged Greg tightly seeming to not want to let go. She whispered in his ear for him to call her anytime and he nodded before she unwrapped her arms from around his shoulders.

"Wordy..." Greg said softly as his friend extended his hand. "I can't thank you enough for insisting I come with you. I was in a real bad place, not sure what would have happened if you hadn't picked me up..." Greg hadn't really thought about the long term prospects of what could have happened to him on the streets, he didn't want to think about how close he'd come to stopping in a bar and he was just glad that Wordy had the good sense and training to talk him into the car and back to the SRU.

"You know I've always got your back, boss." He said with a smile. "Shelly's been asking about you, she really has wanted to have you guys over for dinner or a barbecue once it gets a little warmer."

"That sounds great." Greg nodded and made a point of looking him in the eye again. "Thank you, for everything Wordy." He nodded before going towards the door of the briefing room and patting Ed's shoulder as he passed.

"Spike, give me and Greg a minute." Ed phrased it as a request but the glare in his eyes showed that this was an order not to be contested.

"Yeah, I gotta change and...yeah..." Spike went around the table the long way as to not get in Ed's path, realizing half way through his sentence that his words didn't really matter, he just needed to get out. After Spike left Ed closed the doors to the briefing room and moved a little closer to the table. Neither he nor Greg sat down as he seemed to nod.

"Eddie, you've been one of my closest friends for nearly 15 years." Greg started speaking, trying to pre-empt the seeming anger that Ed was holding but he didn't have a chance to go on before He spoke.

"I thought you'd gone back to that place Greg. I thought I'd lost you again...I was afraid that there was no coming back this time." He rubbed his temples as he recounted the deep fear and guilt that he felt at the prospect of again losing his friends to alcohol and to the stresses of the job. "I just wish I'd been able to help you. I wish I'd paid more attention and that I would have known how much you were hurting..."

" I walked away from my team, Ed. I walked away from you and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." Greg hated that Ed felt guilty and felt that he needed to apologize to him the most.

" Well, you do the math on this. How many times have you been there for me? I have nothing but repect for you, Greg, and you never have to apologize to me for anything."

"I've got no words for you, my friend, I've got no words for you. No words that can, that can describe what youve done for me and who you are to me." They both stood in silence for a long moment, each thinking about what the other had said and trying to figure out what came next. Ed looked up from his thoughts before taking long strides over to Greg and engulfing him in a hug. It was a rare show of such open and vulnerable emotion from him but that made it feel even more special to Greg.

"Come on, Sophie's already set up the guest room for you and she left us some dinner." Greg looked perplexed for a moment before smiling, of course Ed knew that the evening would end with him staying over. There was no way they would let him go home alone...

"You called Dean already?" Greg assumed that Ed had taken care of his son but it didn't stop the instant of panic from rising up in his chest.

"He's sleeping over with Clark. Apparently they want to build a go-cart." Ed rolled his eyes. "More like death trap. I told them that they had the weekend to start and finish it and they could use only what they found in my shed." Greg's eyes widened as Ed laughed. "What, you think they can build an engine out of some old paint cans and spare wires?"

"No, no I don't think they can build an engine in two days but don't you keep your law mower in the shed?" Ed stopped mid-step.

"They wouldn't dare." he said half as a statement, half as a question.

"Well, they are our sons." Greg said with an almost mischievous smile.

"God, I hope the apple falls very far from the tree..."

"Yeah...but they've also got our mistakes to learn from." Greg mused. "At least we can teach them a little bit about what paths to take. Try to help them avoid our pain."

"Most of me hopes they listen and they never experience the anguish and the heartbreak and the grief that we've had but...but I also hope that they have a little bit of it. Just enough to make them appreciated the moments of love and trust and happiness. It's trial and error and every breath we take adds to all those experiences, makes us who we are." Ed paused for a moment before looking at Greg and smiling. "I don't think I'd change a thing."

So like I said, that's it for this one. I kind of feel bad that I don't have a real ending with Spike but he had the last three chapters to himself and I hoped that the stuff before the page break was enough for him. I used some direct quotes from "Slow Burn" in the conversation between Ed and Greg here at the end so that's obviously not mine (far too eloquent.) I really hope to see your reviews, they make my day and they really motivate me to keep writing. It's been a real struggle lately to write and I miss it but I'm having a lot of trouble getting things to work so bear with me. Let me know what you think and keep an eye out (hopefully) for more stories soon. Thanks so much everyone!