Disclaimer: I wish I owned John and Sherlock, because then we'd all get the new episodes as a Christmas present!

John, what do people do? –SH

Feeling profound again Sherlock? Normal people havesocial lives, go out with their mates, buy groceries at the Tesco…

That's what I have you for, the boring things. –SH

Boring is a good thing, Sherlock. The world doesn't revolve around crime and murder, but I'm sure you wouldn't know that. You deleted the solar system, remember?

I already said, the solar system isn't important. Why would I waste time on something unimportant when there's so many things that are INTERESTING? Like casework. –SH

Casework Sherlock? Do you really think that you'll spend your entire life solving people's problems? What about retirement someday? Settling down?

Settling down to what? A life just sitting and doing nothing? Wasting away as a human vegetable? No, I never intend to stop what I do. –SH

Right. Fine. Anyway, I'm going to assume you've been eating while I've been gone and that the pantries are empty, so I'll be stopping at the Tesco. Any (legal) requests?

No. We're probably out of milk though. –SH

What? How? I bought three gallons before I left so you wouldn't run out!

Too long to explain, but a word to the wise, don't search the kitchen cabinets. –SH

What! Sherlock! Tell me you didn't do some experiment with body parts and leave them in the kitchen!

I did not leave them in the kitchen. I strategically placed them in cool, dark places which just so happened to be in the kitchen. –SH

And why, exactly, do they need to be in a cool, dark place?

Better conditions for bacteria to grow. –SH

For bacteria to grow, Sherlock? Am I going to need to get hazardous waste bags at the Tesco?

They sell those? Pick some up just in case. And it's nothing bad, just a foot, three fingers and a tongue. –SH

Is this for a case or are you doing this in a fit of childish boredom?

Neither. A stretch of bored curiosity. –SH

What about your case? I thought Lestrade had you working on something?

Solved it. Multi-university drug dealing fraternity led by a serial killer. –SH

Doesn't he have any cold cases for you to solve? Anything is better that decomposition experiments!

Not decomposition, bacterial growth. And as if I don't want a case, he doesn't have any. -SH

Lestrade has no cold cases? In the entire history of Scotland Yard, every single case has been solved and put away? All of them?

None that interest me, at least. –SH

What would interest you right now?

Besides a case.

I was thinking of pulling out my violin. –SH

Lovely. I'll be at the flat in five with those hazmat bags.

John? –SH

John, respond. -SH

Don't be childish, John, I know you're ignoring me. -SH

I'll take the tongue out of the ice dispenser. –SH

And whatever that was in my bedroom.

Fine.

–SH

A.N. This was another goofy text conversation written between myself and my friend Blinking Angel. I got to be John and she is playing one of the best Sherlock's around! There will be another update to this as soon as I get it looked over by my wonderful beta PantyDragon. Thank you my fantastic beta who is amazing!

Companion fic is called Text Conversations: Lestrade and Sherlock. Happy Holidays everyone!