TOW The Anniversary
Monica couldn't pinpoint the day she had started to dread coming home at the end of the day, but she had. And even worse, she knew Chandler did, too. He had started spending as much time with Joey as he could find excuses for…but she didn't care. She found herself making excuses for him too sometimes, just anxious for a few minutes alone. Or she might slip out herself under the pretense of shopping with Rachel or jogging with Phoebe… anything to get out of the apartment and away from him.
If they weren't together, they couldn't fight.
She paused outside the door to their apartment to retrieve her keys from her bag. As she rifled through it, the diamond on her left hand flashed in the light from the hallway, and she sighed, suddenly sad. She had once believed he was her Prince, that together they would have everything she ever dreamed of. And maybe they could have, if things had been different. She tried not to think about might've been's, but sometimes she couldn't help herself. Her life was nothing as she had once imagined it.
But both of them still wore their rings…that had to count for something.
She often wondered if he'd ever thought about divorce. She had…and it had left her in tears. She didn't want a divorce. She wanted him… in spite of all their problems, she loved him as much as she ever had. But she was so tired…of the strain in their lives, of the gulf that seemed to stretch out between them, of the constant bickering that more and more frequently led to huge fights…that led to one of them storming out of the apartment and staying somewhere else for the night. And when morning came, the one who fled would return, and stony silence would envelope them as they dressed in the same room, ate at the same table, and left the apartment without a kiss or even a goodbye.
It broke her heart every time. But no matter how hard she tried, it was an endless circle she couldn't seem to break. Everything in their lives – every word they said to each other - seemed to lead to another argument.
Monica sighed and tried the doorknob, feeling her heart sink when it turned easily. He was already home. She walked in slowly, trying to hide her anxiety. She wasn't sure she was prepared to face him again. Especially since she was late. Ironically, that was usually the start of most of their arguments, in spite of the fact that they both strived to spend as much time away from the apartment as possible.
The door swung open, and Chandler was standing in front of her, his face pained and anxious.
"Where have you been?" he demanded, his voice revealing how worried he was in spite of his impatient words.
"At work," Monica replied offhandedly, realizing even as she said it that she was asking for a fight. But that was how it went these days. Whether they meant to or not, they were always provoking each other. Always.
"I called the restaurant an hour ago, Mon. The phone rang eighteen times and nobody answered. You would have answered the phone if you'd been there – if only because the ringing was annoying you. And besides, I called back five minutes later. You didn't answer your cell either. So tell me where you really were."
Monica bit her lip, trying to decide whether she should claim she'd known it was him calling and just not answered – therefore making him even more angry – or sarcastically proclaim that she was indeed having an affair – which would make him angry, too - or tell him the truth – which would still probably make him mad. Truth won – no matter how bad things were, she still found it incredibly hard to lie to him.
"I was just walking, Chandler. I must have forgotten to turn my cell on when I left the restaurant."
"Just walking?" he asked her bitterly, his eyes narrow. "You were just walking. Did it occur to you that you might have a husband at home that was worried about you? This is New York, Monica. Anything could happen."
"I'm a big girl, Chandler. And wasn't it you and Ross that always told me how "freakishly strong" I was?"
"Geez, Mon, you think you're just invincible, don't you? You're the one who used to go pace in the hallway when I was half an hour late and hadn't called."
Monica paused, struck by a wave of nostalgia. She had – several times. Once she had even made Joey call the subway office to make sure there hadn't been an accident or a power outage or something. But Chandler had always had a good excuse for being late – dead cell phone batteries, traffic jams, late afternoon meetings – and she had just been walking. At 11:30 at night, all by herself in New York City…
"Okay, I should have called. I just didn't think about it," she admitted softly, finally understanding why he was so upset.
He frowned, staring at her for a moment before he turned away, rubbing his forehead with both hands.
"When you say you didn't think about it, you mean you didn't think about me. Right?" He looked up, and Monica was struck by how tired he looked all of the sudden. Of course, he was sleeping on the couch a lot, so maybe that was catching up with him.
"It was a long day, Chandler…"
"Do you just not think about me at all anymore? Do you even remember that you have a husband?"
"Of course I remember, Chandler." She could feel herself getting irritated again when she saw how angry he was. She wasn't a possession for him to keep track of. "I'm very well aware of the fact that I'm still married."
"Are you, Monica? Really? Because I'm starting to think you're trying your best to forget."
"Don't be ridiculous, Chandler," Monica responded hotly. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm completely exhausted. I just want to take a bath and go to bed."
"Is that all you have to say?"
"Yes! That's all I have to say. I'm not in the mood for a fight tonight, Chandler. It'll have to wait for tomorrow."
He stared at her for a moment, then shook his head.
"Tomorrow's too late…" he whispered sadly, but Monica barely heard him. She was already heading for the bathroom. Chandler suddenly realized where she was going and lunged over to stop her, but he wasn't quick enough. He was left standing outside, staring at the closed door. Five seconds later, the door opened again, and Monica stepped back into the apartment.
"What is that?"
Chandler looked down at his shoes, unable to answer. Monica gazed at him steadily, and finally stalked past him, stopping in the middle of the living room when she realized that the bathroom was not the only room set up with dozens and dozens of candles. But while the lights in the bathroom still burned cheerily around the bathtub filled with tepid water and bubbles, the candles in the living room had been blown out and the lights turned back on. She turned to look back at Chandler, who was watching her, trying to read her expression. She took a deep breath, trying to give herself time to decide whether she should be touched, wistful, sad, or angry.
"Did you do all of this?"
Chandler nodded, his expression unreadable. She let her eyes drift around the room, wishing that she could see this romantic gesture the way she would have…before. She used to think it was sweet when he did this sort of thing. Now…she wasn't sure what his motive was. She glanced back at him, trying to read his expression. Maybe he wanted to have sex. Getting her wet and naked in the tub under a pretense of helping her relax was a good place to start. She was relatively sure he wasn't cheating, so this would be a logical answer to his sudden, strange behavior. He had probably hoped that as soon as she saw the candle-lit room, she would fall into his arms and they could both forget their problems for the rest of the night. If only it were that easy. A wave of sadness and anger overcame her and she looked at him, trying to read the face of the man she used to know so well.
"Why?" He remained silent, still measuring her carefully with his eyes. "Chandler? Is there a reason you decided tonight would be a good night to pretend things are okay? That they're just like they used to be?"
Chandler shook his head slowly and backed away from her, looking somehow like a puppy that had just been kicked. "I'm not pretending everything's okay. It's more than obvious it's not. I just thought…"
"Thought what? That if you lit some candles we would magically be happy again? It doesn't work that way."
"I've figured that out, Mon. But thanks for clearing it up,," he responded sarcastically. She looked at him, trying desperately to hold back her tears - her sadness and frustration over the place where they had found themselves. Chandler dropped his gaze and turned away from her. Before she realized what she was doing, she was questioning him irritably, taking everything out on him as usual.
"What made you think tonight was going to be any different from any other night, Chandler? Did you think I would come home and just forget? Forget all of the heartache of the past few months? Why is today different? Can you at least turn around and look at me while you tell me? What made you think today would be special?"
Chandler turned to her, and she was shocked to see the tears running down his cheeks. Usually the tone of voice she had just used made him want to fight…She looked up at his tear-stained face, and realized deep down that she had just made a big mistake.
"You want to know why today is special, Monica?" Chandler wiped his hand across his eyes and kicked the bottom of the counter in frustration. "Happy Anniversary. The five best damn years of my pathetic life. I'm happy to know it means so much to you, too."
Monica stared at the door he had slammed behind him, her mind reeling. She couldn't believe she had forgotten. Completely. She had not given it a thought. May 15th used to be sacred, and she hadn't even noticed it was close.
He had gone to so much trouble…trying to make their anniversary special in the midst of this chaos that had consumed them. And she had completely ruined it. Completely. She had taken his conciliatory gesture and thrown it back in his face.
Five years. They had been married for five years today. Chandler had probably come home early to get the apartment ready, cook dinner, and make sure everything was perfect for her. He always did something special on their anniversary…and he never failed to make her cry with his sweet words and adorable plans. Tonight was no exception, though her tears were of a different kind. While he was trying to make their anniversary special in spite of everything they were going through, she had stayed late at the restaurant, intentionally taking as much time as she possibly could cleaning up and then looking for other things to do even after that was done. And then she had walked home slowly, putting off her arrival at home as long as possible…while he waited. She wondered how he had felt while he sat in the apartment - by himself on their anniversary - waiting for her to come. All alone.
She would make it up to him. Somehow. If only he would come home…
She knew he wouldn't be across the hall at Joey's. That was too obvious, and he wouldn't want her to find him tonight. He wouldn't be with any of their friends, because then he would have to explain the tear stains on his face. And, knowing their friends, they would have all realized today was their anniversary and would ask questions if Chandler showed up without her. But that thought only made her feel worse.
She didn't want to risk leaving to go find him and having him come home to an empty apartment. She wasn't going to leave until he came back. Then they would talk about it and she would make it right…somehow. If he cared enough to go to all this trouble, then he had to want to try…Any doubts that he was still in love with her were gone, and she knew for sure what she wanted. She would make sure tonight was the beginning of the rest of their lives.
She wiped her wet cheeks with a tissue, and walked toward their bedroom. She would change out of her chef's uniform, and then she could think about what she wanted to say to him when he came back. He would come back. He had to.
As soon as she opened the bedroom door, she noticed that the room was lit with even more candles – it must have taken him forever. She'd had Joey's help the night they got engaged, and it had still taken almost an hour. And that was just for the living room. Her gaze fell on the bed, and she heard herself gasp. A bouquet of red roses lay next to a sealed envelope, with a gorgeous diamond and sapphire bracelet – matching her engagement ring – lying on top of the envelope. She walked slowly over to the bed, touching the petals of the roses gingerly and turning her attention to the envelope. The bracelet was beautiful, but she had no interest in it at the moment. She only cared about the words hidden away in the red envelope – she wanted to know what he had to say to her.
She pulled the card out, staring at the picture of two wedding bands linked together on the front. She opened it slowly, and read the inside. "I Still Do…" She sat down weakly on the bed and reached for Chandler's pillow. She held it close to her chest and breathed in the familiar and comforting scent of him as she turned her attention to Chandler's writing, which filled both sides of the card and part of the back, her tears falling even harder as she started to read.
I know it hasn't been good for us lately. I know that I've done things to hurt you, whether it was intentional or not. I know that you dread coming home every day because I dread it too. But not because of the fighting or the spiteful words or the uncomfortable silence that always comes over us. I dread it because I know that you're not happy…and that kills me, Mon. I promised you that I would spend my life trying to make you happy…trying to make you feel the same things that you have made me feel every day that I've loved you. I meant it then, sweetheart, and I mean it now. If I could fix everything with a kiss…if I could just say whatever it is that might make "us" okay again, I would do it. You know I would. And I know that you would, too. But I don't know what that one thing is, and every time I think I might be getting close, something else happens that pushes you even further away from me.
I'm sorry for everything I've said and done that has brought you pain. I'm sorry for everything I haven't said or done. I'm sorry for not being the husband you deserve. And I'm sorry if I made you think for a second that I didn't love you, or that I was ready to give up on us. I'll never be ready for that. I love you. I love you so much that it's breaking my heart not to be able to tell you. I miss you, Monica. Even when you're sitting right next to me, I miss you.
Sweetheart, five years ago I told you that it didn't matter what surprises come our way, because I will always love you. I will. I do. We can get through this together, Monica. I know we can. It doesn't matter what the last few months have been like. As long as I have you by my side, each day is the best day of my life. And the past five years have been amazing. I wouldn't trade the worst moment, Mon. Not the worst. You are my wife, my best friend, the love of my life. There will never be anyone but you. I hope…I pray that you still feel the same way.
Do you remember the promise you made right after we got married? When I told Doug we were splitting up to get out of going to dinner, and he took me out to "celebrate"…I asked you to promise you would never leave me, that we would grow old together and be together for the rest of our lives. And every day, I've thought of that simple "I promise" and the smile you gave me, and I think about how I knew at that moment – even more surely than I did when you said you would marry me, or even when Joey pronounced us husband and wife – just how much I love and need you. I still do, baby. I always will.
Please forgive me. Please, Mon, please give me a chance to make everything right. All I want is to love you for the rest of my life.
Happy Anniversary, sweetheart.
ChandlerMonica's hands were shaking as she put the letter on the bedside table. She wasn't sure if she should be comforted by the beautiful words he had written, or afraid that she had just made him believe once and for all that it was over.
She lay down on the bed, still clutching his pillow, and gave herself over to tears. She had never believed it would come to this. But now she knew for sure how Chandler had felt. She was alone in their apartment on their five-year anniversary – and she had no idea where her husband was or when he would be home.
But she knew that she wanted him with her. She wanted to hug him and kiss him and reassure him that he was still everything she wanted. She wanted to tell him that she intended to keep her promises to him – all of them.
If he would just come home.
To Be Continued? I don't know…probably not. This is pretty clichéd, so I doubt there'll be much interest. =) I was bored so I just started writing. I've got two or three other half-started stories, too, so I'm not sure which ones (if any) that I'll finish. We'll see!