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Confessions Of The Heart

Chapter II

All of this was quick, too quick.

These feelings that are mine for Kaname-kun, they're friendly. There is no hidden agenda under my affections toward him, for I merely admire Kaname. I admire him greatly, but that doesn't mean that I amin love with him. Everything Chizuru said, yes, it was true, and he couldn't have said anything more real for me to doubt my own thoughts and feelings. If it is true, and I am in fact in love with Kaname-kun, there is no way we, or us even being together like a normal couple… and there is not a hope in chance of us being able to be open about our relationship, because we are both males. Kaname would never see me that way, nor would he want me like that.
Maybe I am in love with Kaname-kun, but I'm too afraid to admit it for my own feelings.
I don't know. It's all so confusing. The more I think about it, the more I feel sad. I don't want to feel this way; I don't want to think about Kaname-kun. Though I try to stop my mind from drifting into a soft day-dream, I always end up back to Kaname-kun. I just can't ignore this feeling.

It was now the end of lunch. We all went back to our classroom, for we now had to sit the math's test we had all been studying for this week. It was Saturday, and we would all be off tomorrow. A part of me looked forward to a day off school, but another knew that I'd miss seeing Kaname-kun.
We sat down at our assigned seats (as usual) and prepared ourselves for the test. Kaname was sat in front of my seat, turning around to smile warmly at me and wish us all good luck. I felt a shiver run up my spine. He looked at me as if his words were directed right at me. My eyes widened, and my cheeks must have reddened, feeling them burning terribly in contrast to the rest of my body. Kaname had never made me feel like this before, so why now? Did it mean I was gay if Kaname-kun suddenly made me feel tingly all over, and hot? There's nothing wrong with gay people, or being gay in general. The worst thing about being gay is, there is no guarantee that the person you like will share your feelings. That was what I hated the most. Kaname-kun and I are friends, but I do not want to cross that border of friendship only to be heartbroken and rejected by Kaname. If that happened we would fall out, and it'd be awkward for us to act like normal friends again, because I'd have confessed my heart out to him and Kaname-kun isn't gay so it's only natural for him to not love me back.
I raised a hand to the tips of my hair, and began to rub it between the pads of my index finger and thumb. When my hair was longer I looked more like a girl. Would Kaname-kun prefer me better with my long hair, or does it not matter what my hair looks like because no matter what, I am still a boy? I'm happy being male, and I'm happy that I can look pretty enough to be mistaken for as a girl, but I'd never want to actually be a girl.

This wasn't a good time to dwell on my appearance, or how Kaname and I would ever work out. I had a test to concentrate on, even if it isn't a legit examination, my grades still count. I could feel the palms of my hands beginning to feel warm and damp. My hairline even felt a little moist. I had studied all week for this exam, we even stole some of Kaname's notes, and still, I was feeling nervous as ever! I couldn't concentrate. I didn't study last night either, what if I fail? What if I don't know any of the questions, and I answer them all wrong? Again and again, my mind spiralled out of control with useless questions. I had never dwelled, nor had I worried about so many things in such a terrible manner. At this rate, I will only make myself ill, and that was no good for me or my grades.

"FOCUS, SHUN! Just. Focus." I screamed at myself in my head. I could hear the teacher's voice, explaining the rules of the exam to us, but her voice wasn't clear. It was as if I was underwater, listening to her speak. It was so low, so quiet and rather inaudible.
Suddenly, my hands began to shake, and my fingertips trembled. My heartbeat sped up in leaps, quickening my breaths and making it hard for me to even breathe out my nose well, as if I was dying of a heart attack. Then I realized; I was having a panic attack.
I started to breathe ragged breathes, short, quickened and startled. I tried to calm myself down, but no matter what, I still felt this terrible pain in my chest, as if my heart would explode at any minute. My eyes began to water, and my vision started to slowly blur out due to my lack of vision and the masses of tears that streamed down my blushing cheeks. Before I knew it, I could hear my teacher's worried voice calling out my name, and a warm, gentle and familiar hand on my shoulder.

"Shun!"

x

I awoke, in what felt like an hour or so later, finding myself tucked under white sheets with my blazer hung up beside me. For a moment, I wondered where I was, for only a while ago, I was sat in front of my exam papers, preparing for a much anticipated math's test. So why was I now here, in a small room very familiar to the nurse's office, lying in one of the beds wrapped up in sheets with the distant window open, letting in cool spring breeze?

"Shun," A small voice called from behind me. I froze for a moment, involuntarily for the voice sounded oh-so familiar. "I was so worried about you," they continued. "I had no idea what was happening. One minute you were fine, and the next, you were freaking and then all of a sudden, you passed out."

Oh yeah, now I remember. I had a panic attack, and usually when I have those, I tend to black out for a while due to the sudden shock reaction on my whole system. With strength, I slowly manoeuvred my body from its side position away from the window in order to turn around and face the person of who was speaking to me. I groaned with the discomfort in my temples as I rolled over in my sheets. My head always ached after these annoying black outs. When I turned over successfully, my eyes widened in utter shock at the face of whom had witnessed me during my panic attack, had worried about me and was now here with me, making sure I was okay…

"K – Kaname-kun?" I whispered in disbelief. I couldn't believe that he would come out of his exam, just to be with me.

He must not have known I was awake by the look that washed over his face as he stared back at me. His eyes were wide, behind those glasses of his, and his lips were parted, and mouth open. He stuttered a few mumbled responses at first, before gathering up his words to form coherent sentences. "Y – You're awake, Shun?" He asked, though it didn't seem much like question, but more like simple words of surprise. I answered anyway. Oh God, I could feel my cheeks getting warmer by the minute…

"Y- Y- Yeah, I guess I am." I smiled at him, and for a moment I forgot about the slight pain in my temples, before they came stinging back with more force. "Ow~!" I hissed quietly, flinching as I did.

Kaname didn't waste time in reacting. He quickly leapt to my aid. "Shun, are you okay? What's wrong? Do you need me to get a nurse?"

I bit into my lower lip, the pain wasn't that bad. "No Kaname-kun, I'm fine, really. I just have a headache, that is all. I get them all the time after I black out."

"All the time?" He repeated. Kaname looked at me again, but this time with concern and curiosity in his eyes and voice. I tore my eyes far from his gaze. This was embarrassing, especially in front of Kaname, now that I may have strong feelings for him. We may have known each other since kinder-garten, but that doesn't mean we all have some things we don't know about the other.

I nodded very faintly, slowly steadying myself to sit up. It was obvious that Kaname thought it too soon for me to be moving about so suddenly, but I just smiled at him. "Yeah, whenever I have panic attacks, like I did in the math's exam, I usually end up passing out after it because the attack is such a sudden shock, and impact on my whole system that it just shuts down for a while… When I wake up after a black out, I usually get these horrible headaches. They're not nice, but it's not so unbearable that it'd cause me great pain."

I felt incredibly stupid for I had a panic attack over that. I sighed, but to myself in the shame and embarrassment of it all. Why did I let myself get like this? So easily affected by him...

Kaname looked at me, and then sighed. "You're so careless sometimes, Shun."

"I'm sorry." I replied in a hushed voice, lowering my head in shame.

Kaname's eyes grew closer to my own, as he leaned himself into me. He rested his hand against my forehead and stared deep in my eyes as he did so. My cheeks felt warm, scorching as I felt myself grow hot and sweaty by having him just that close. I detested myself for it. My heart beat began to race wildly, so hard and fierce I feared he too would hear it, and learn quickly of my affections towards him, and then, after finding out about how I felt for him, he would hate me. I didn't want that, I didn't want for him to hate me for it. If he didn't feel the same for me as I did him, let him forget about it, let him abandon me for it, but to hate me? I hope for it never.

Kaname looked into my eyes as if he were seeing into my soul, the very feeling of it all was so over powering I felt like I would pass out at any given moment, but that's a little over dramatic.

"You still don't look to well," he said. "You feel hot, and your cheeks are red. What's wrong? You didn't catch my flu, did you?" His eyes widened in guilt and panic. "It's my fault, then! I'm so sorry Shun."

I laughed a soft sort of laughter. "No Kaname, of course you didn't give it to me. So don't be sorry." I didn't have a cold, or flu, I was just sick with love, I think. "I just don't feel like myself much, at the moment. That's all."

But honestly, I knew it was much more than that.

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To be continued...

A/N: Such a long time for an update. Sorry, my personal life is way too busy... Hope you enjoyed the second chapter. I, myself, do not like how it turned out so much, but I thought I'd include this before the development of Shun and Kaname's relationship progressed from friendship into love. Thank you for reading. :)