Lavinia had been taken from us by the Spanish flu and somehow Matthew had decided that we had killed her. I couldn't believe my ears when he had told me that we were cursed and could never be happy. I felt tears prick my eyes as Richard walked me back up to the house and away from Matthew.

'Mary, are you quite alright?' he asked me and I nodded.

'Perfectly fine Richard,' I said, forcing a smile on my face, 'I guess I am just emotional from having lost a dear friend. She did not deserve to die so young.' I lied and Richard nodded and drew me into a hug.

'She was a lovely girl and would've made a great wife to Matthew, just like you will make a good wife for me.' Richard stated and I stiffened in his arms.

'Please Richard; let us not discuss our happiness when Matthew's has been taken away from him so mercilessly. It does not sit right with me and I do not like feeling that way,' I said softly and Richard nodded and, in silence, he escorted me back towards the house.

When we arrived back at Downton, Carson took my coat and hat and we all retired to the drawing room where we all shared our memories of Lavinia. About 10 minutes later, Matthew entered the room and Papa stood up and greeted him with a hug.

'I'm so sorry my boy,' he said and I glanced at Matthew. He looked so full of grief and there was an element of guilt and I knew it was because of our kiss.

'If you don't mind, cousin Robert, I would like to retire to my bedroom and I would like it very much if I wasn't disturbed,' Matthew requested and Papa nodded.

'Of course Matthew, we completely understand. If you need anything, just ask,' he said, smiling kindly at Matthew. I watched Matthew nod graciously at Papa before leaving.

'The poor man,' Richard stated, 'well I suppose he will find another woman to replace her soon enough,' he said, sipping some sherry and everyone stared at him in shock. I blinked at my fiancé.

'Richard! How can you be so crude as to say that! We all loved Lavinia! She was one of my truest friends and we all came to love her very much. She would have made a fine mistress of Downton and we all know it. Matthew is hurting and you speak of Lavinia as if she is just a woman that did not matter to him.' I cried at him in frustration and Richard gave me a hard, angry look before blinking it away and maintaining a cool composure.

'I am sorry Mary, I did not mean for my words to come about in such a harsh manner. I only meant to put the point across that although your cousin has lost a very fine woman, he will be strong enough to move on at some point in his life.' Richard said and the atmosphere was so tense that it could be cut with a knife. No one spoke until Richard declared that it was time for him to depart back to London, 'Mary, would you please accompany me to the door so that I may bid you farewell,' he asked me and I stood up.

'Very well Richard,' I said, standing up and walking with him. We walked down the corridors before he grabbed my arm and threw me into one of the spare bedrooms, 'What is the meaning of this Richard!' I cried, rubbing my arm that was now throbbing with pain.

'When you are my wife Mary, you will not speak to me like that ever, do you understand!' he growled at me and I scoffed.

'You are angry at me because I told you off for speaking poorly of Matthew and Lavinia! You should be the one who is ashamed.' I said angrily before he smacked me around the face, but I did not drop or cry before him.

'You have given me the power to destroy you Lady Mary and do not think for a second that I will not use it to my advantage. I do not care if you or Miss Swire were in fact friends, it does not alter the fact that I know you still have feelings for Matthew Crawley. He will never love you Mary, do you not see that! In fact he turned you away coldly, calling you cursed I believe,' he said to me menacingly and I swallowed.

'How did you…'

'Do not deem me to be deaf my dear, I heard the entire conversation. You were no friend to Lavinia Swire if you went and kissed her fiancé. And whatever scenario you have conjured up in your mind, it will never happen. Matthew will not love you Mary, not now that he blames you for Lavinia giving up on life. You are the reason Lavinia is dead in his mind and nothing will ever change that,' Richard said to me cruelly and this time I let a tear drop down the side of my face, 'well would you look at that, the cold and imperturbable Lady Mary does cry.' He taunted before leaving me in the bedroom and walking out. As soon as I heard him leave, I burst into tears, crying away all my sorrows and realisations at the truth of Richards words. I laid down on the bed and cried into the pillows, my heart breaking into a million shards that could only be fixed by one person. But I knew that it would never happen so I would most definitely have a broken heart for the rest of my life. Only when I had cried out all my tears did I feel that someone was standing in the doorway. I removed my face from the pillow and turned my head slowly and saw that Matthew stood there, looking shocked.

'What do you want Matthew?' I snarled, 'have you come to see the cold and cruel Lady Mary cry, or have you come to rub it in my face more that I am to marry a man who does not love me or care for me in any way. Or maybe you've just come to tell me again that I was the one who killed Lavinia.'

Matthew looked me in the eyes with a now hardened expression.

'Actually, I heard crying Lady Mary and I was shocked to see it were you. But I'll be on my way now,' Matthew said before leaving. I vowed to myself it was better that I detach myself from Matthew and learn to hate him as it would be easier on me for when I lived my life as Richard's wife.

The next morning, Matthew joined us for breakfast and I refused to look at him or converse with him. He did seem in slightly better spirits as he conversed with us, but I did not speak with him aside from bidding him good morning. I talked to Edith and Granny mainly and when breakfast was over, I excused myself immediately and walked past Matthew, without giving him a sideways glance. I felt his eyes follow me as I left the breakfast room. Anna dressed me in my grey, quite tight fitting riding wear and I dismissed her as I knew she wanted to go and visit Bates before the trial began in a few weeks. I walked down the stairs, bumping straight into Matthew.

'Lady Mary, I didn't see you there…' he started.

'Don't apologise cousin Matthew, the fault is no ones. Now if you'll excuse me I am late for my riding session,' I said, trying not to melt under his gaze. I straightened my hat and made a move to walk on but he gently took hold of my arm and I winced where he touched the place where Richard had grabbed me. Matthew had obviously noticed because he let go of me immediately.

'Mary, did I hurt you,' he gasped and I shook my head.

'No Matthew, I bashed my arm this morning and it is a little tender and when you touched it…' I trailed off and he looked horrified.

'I'm so sorry Mary, I didn't mean to hurt you,' he apologised. I internally laughed… he was apologising for hurting me physically and not mentally.

'It's quite alright, now if you'll excuse me.' I said but Matthew wouldn't let me pass.

'Mary, I want to talk to you.' He said softly but I shook my head.

'I have no time to spare you a moment today I'm afraid.'

'Surely your riding can wait?' he pleaded and I laughed.

'No Matthew, no it can't. Now why don't you hurry along and leave me be.' I said, trying to ignore the guilt I felt at being so cruel to him. I pushed past him and walked briskly towards the stables. My favourite horse, Brambles, was ready and waiting for me, so I mounted her and galloped around the estate. It was the only time I felt free, I was free from Richard Carlisle, my engagement, my love for Matthew, my duty as a woman, my life. I slowed Brambles down to a trot before stopping at the lakes. My cheeks were pink from the cold air biting into my skin and my brown locks of hair were loose and messy. The water looked so still, so clear and so refreshing, it was so tranquil and I couldn't help but feel like jumping into it, hoping it would wash away and still all the turbulence going on in my own life. I dismounted Brambles, tied her to the tree with enough leash that she could graze, and walked over to the lake. I felt like jumping in and was close to stripping off my outer clothes but I was interrupted by someone calling my name.

'Mary?'

I turned around and saw Matthew sitting on a log just behind me, looking speechless. How had I not noticed him before?

'Cousin Matthew, what are you doing here?'

'I came out for a walk; I stumbled across this place just after… just after Lavinia died and I come here when I need to think. What are you doing here?'

'I… I just arrived.' I managed to say, stumbling over my words.

'I saw,' he said softly and I noticed that he couldn't bring himself to look at me, 'I heard you defend me yesterday night when I left the drawing room and I want to thank you. It meant a lot to me and I'm sure it would have meant a lot to Lavinia.' He said, staring out at the lake.

'Well you're welcome Matthew. I will probably be on my way now and I shall see you perhaps back at the house.' I smiled sadly at him, taking in his drawn expression. The light and passion had gone from his eyes and he was like a ghost, a man with no soul left.

'No, let me accompany you Mary. I could do with someone to walk back to Downton with.' He said, forcing a smile at me and I nodded.

'Very well, but it will be quicker if we ride Brambles,' I said and Matthew looked at me.

'Mary, I am not agile enough to ride and she cannot carry us both!'

'How little faith you have in me cousin Matthew, Brambles is young and strong. I weigh next to nothing so I know he can carry us,' I said sharply and Matthew silenced himself before I helped him mount Brambles. I carried his cane with me as I mounted Brambles too and before long, I had us back at Downton in no time at all.

RxR please :D I'm doing one chapter Mary POV, next chapter Matthew POV :D