Diary of an Ordinary Citizen of Camelot

Summary: The daily insanity of life living in Camelot, through the eyes of a hapless bystander. Camelot really is a very silly place…

Disclaimer: I own a computer, and that's all I need to write fanfic.

Year 1

Went to Tournament today. Greatest warrior in the land was decided—for the second time this week. King Uther has a lot of tournaments. Seems a little pointless when Prince Arthur keeps winning them all.

Does the King plan to keep holding tournaments until his son loses? Surely that's ridiculous. It's almost like he's trying to get Prince Arthur killed…

New kid in town, works for physician Gaius. He seems a little lost and confused. I heard from middle cousin Susie that yesterday he tried to stop Prince Arthur from picking on one of the manservants, not knowing that Tam is a hard-core masochist who hangs around nobles just for the abuse.

The boy means well. I'm sure he knows enough to avoid princes from now on.

Spoke too soon. New boy demonstrated an uncommon lack of sense by saving Prince Arthur's life—in front of Uther no less. Hasn't he heard all the rumors Uther is plotting to kill his son? Everyone knows that royalty always try to kill their sons, and vice versa. Oedipus and all that.

Uther "rewarded" the boy by making him Arthur's servant, which basically doubled his workload as he now has two jobs (he's still working for Physician Gaius) and also puts him directly in the line of fire of the regular attempts on the prince's life. Royals!

(Although it's also possible that King Uther was just taking advantage of the only person in town still too new to know what happened to Arthur's last servant. Prince hasn't been able to persuade anyone in Camelot to take the job since.)

I have five silvers on Merlin not lasting the week. In a fit of compassion, I bet on him running away rather than meeting a miserable end. Just to be cautious, I also put one silver on him being poisoned. It still seemed kinder than some of the bets people were making, about disembowelment, loss of limbs, burned at the stake, defenestration, and so forth. I hear being poisoned is like going to sleep.

Fifth cousin Marv, who runs the betting pool, tried to persuade me to bet on the kid being executed as a sorcerer. He must think I'm a fool. What are the odds of that happening?

Another tournament. Only excitement was when one knight's shield turned into a snake and tried to eat Prince Arthur. Very ambitious reptile given the prince's body-mass index.

For some reason, magic snakes poofing out of nowhere was not enough reason for Uther to order his guards to jump in and stop the fight. Guess he really is trying to do away his son. Royal families are always trying to kill their relatives or marry them. I think Prince Arthur got the better of that choice.

He's lucky he doesn't have any sisters to marry. They'll probably arrange something with the only other person in Camelot equal to his status: Lady Morgana. What a nice wholesome couple.

People are falling ill. King Uther blames sorcery—as usual.

The nice thing about blaming sorcery is that you aren't expected to have visible medical symptoms. Half the servants in the castle are "too sick to work." If only I wasn't self-employed! Maybe I should become a maid instead of a seamstress. Then I could get time off whenever Uther goes on a magic craze, which is every other week.

My half-cousin Merl's girl came by today to pick up her dress after I mended it, told me that she saw the new servant boy making a magic charm last night. We briefly debated whether we should invite him to join the underground society of magical practitioners that sprung up in secret since Uther banned magic and the rest of us decided we weren't doing without healing because he's an idiot.

However, the dumb boy didn't bother to destroy his charm once he was done with it—got a poor maid accused of witchcraft. He's too lacking in subtly for us to take him in. At least he managed to stop the water poisoning and save the girl. He's lucky Uther isn't the sharpest tool in the armory, or this wouldn't have ended as bloodlessly as it did.

Perhaps we'll invite him in on our secrets once he's older and wiser—not that those two always go together. We're still waiting for Gaius to become wise.

Townsfolk placed our bets on Prince Arthur's inevitable demise today. Marv tried to get me to bet on him dying of natural causes—as if! Marv knows I'm fond of long-shots. But instead, I'm the only one who bet on Arthur killing Uther instead of the other way around. The pot has reached a hundred gold. Come on, Arthur, patricide my way to a new house!

Lost my bet on Merlin leaving in a week, but won my bet on him being poisoned. His survival changes nothing—the court of crones upheld my claim to the pot.

My next bet will be on him and Lady Morgana having a torrid affair. Everyone thinks I'm a fool, but they don't know what I'm really betting on. Life around Camelot is such a farce, it's inevitable that the serving boy ends up with the noble. And what other eligible nobles are there in the castle? Uther?

New knight Lancelot is a hottie. Also, not a noble. Nine-tenths of the women in the castle were very happy to find out that he was thus eligible for marriage to a commoner. (The other one-tenth are gay.)

Alas, King Uther was not so amused that a commoner had beaten all his knights into the ground. Pretended he was upset at being lied to not just embarrassed, and had the hottie thrown into a dungeon.

I know of at least fifty women between the ages of sixteen and nineteen and half planning to sneak in with a key and release him. Unfortunately, Prince Arthur released him first.

Bet Arthur is gay.

King Uther sent his son out to fight a griffon, despite knowing full well that they can only be killed by magic. His attempts as son-icide get less subtle all day.

I don't think I got that word right. What do you call it when someone attempts to off their offspring? Reverse patricide? I'm surprised the nobles don't have a word for it. With the way they go at it, I'd expect them to have a word for every type of relative-slaying in existence.

Killing your nephew: second degree son-cide. Offing your aunt: patri-fratricide for your father's sister, matri-fratricde for your mother's sister. Smothering your cousin: one-quarter fratricide. Doing away with your grandfather: patricide once removed.

The possibilities are endless.

Griffon conveniently dead. Credit went to that hottie Lancelot, but I doubt the beast fell over dead from his jailbait-ness. That servant of Arthur's couldn't be less subtle if he ran around the castle screaming "burn me at the stake!"

I should have taken Marv's bet on Merlin's death-by-execution when I had the chance. Odds have changed now, I'd make barely any profit at all.

Creepy guy with burned face showed up, claimed that the court physician Gaius is incompetent, and that he was so reluctant to impugn his colleague's reputation, and even more reluctant to take over his job.

I haven't heard a whopper that big since my second-cousin-once-removed Maud tried to claim all those men were coming over to her place for exciting games of bridge. Wonder if Uther will merely throw this fellow out or put him in the dungeon for his obviously transparent plot against the crown?

No, for some reason Uther decided to believe a complete stranger over his oldest advisor. This is why he has no friends.

Ridiculously transparent doctor-slash-sorcerer dead, Uther alive, Gaius back as court physician. Not sure how that happened—but no one in Camelot is placing any bets on Uther being the one to uncover the truth. That only leaves Gaius' irrational loyalty, dumb luck, or his son's manservant saving the king's bacon again.

Alas, I suppose if Uther's stupidity was capable of killing him, it would have done so already. Stupidity, you gave it a valiant effort.

Caught Arthur sneaking out of the castle with the new guest Lady Sophia. Maybe he's not gay after all.

He returned covered in water and mud—without the lady and with his servant boy. His sexuality is still in question, but I suspect he's into something kinky.

Bad business in town. Nasty stories about that creepy druid molesting that kid he claims is his "son." Naturally, the magical Underground took the steps for turning him over to Uther as a sorcerer.

We would have recovered the boy safely and fostered him off (after the therapy) if Arthur's dolt of a servant hadn't interfered.

But at least the kid made it out of the city safely. I hope he doesn't turn into one of those kids who let a life of mistreatment corrupt them and turn them deranged. I've seen the cycle of abuse too many times.

Bet he comes back and burns Camelot to the ground someday. Hah hah.

Undead zombie knight defeated. It didn't manage to kill all the knights of Camelot, not for lack of trying on Uther's part. I got its glove as a souvenir!

Prince Arthur rode back from his hunt with a unicorn's horn. Several individuals around the castle have speculated on what this suggests about his "experience," if you know what I mean. However, I can testify with my own eyes on several amorous encounters with both genders. Okay, I didn't see anything personally, but one can read between the lines. Instead, I imagine Arthur was lying about catching the unicorn.

Horn later mysteriously vanished 24 hours later, unicorn sighted again. Knew it.

Morgana tried to kill Uther, and stabbed an assassin going after him instead. Why can't the nobility of Camelot do anything right?

Prince Arthur had a fatal injury. He got better. Should have known that anything with as silly a name as the "Questing Beast" couldn't actually kill anything. Too many people are attempting to return the black funeral clothing they brought from me. I pointed out that he was bound to die sooner or later, but they were not impressed.

Questing beast, unicorns, and zombies, all in one week!

I'm reconsidering living in Camelot. It's a very silly place.

End of the year count:

Number of tournaments in Camelot: 62

Number of attempts to kill Uther: 273

Number of times Uther walked straight into an attempt to kill him and had to be rescued: 273

Attempts (by Uther, we all know) to kill Arthur: 1372

Number of times Arthur's servant saved his life without him noticing: 999

Number of times someone used magic in front of Uther without him noticing: 1,677,988