~Saturday 6:34pm Santana's house~

"Quinn, you look nervous, you need to relax," Brittany told me as if I had any control over how my body responded to stress. This wasn't going right. I wasn't supposed to be nervous, I'd planned this out perfectly. I didn't get nervous, not when I knew what I was doing. Something was wrong. "Maybe you should have a drink. Something to take the edge off." She suggested. Even though it was a suggestion she was off her feet and grabbing me bottle of Miller Lite. Santana had made Puck score us some 'real' booze, as she liked to call it. No sissy Wine Coolers she said.

Brittany handed me the bottle, the cold glass felt like an ice cube against my already sweaty palm. "Thank you."

"Drink up. Rachel will be here in a few minutes and if your going to trick her into having sex with you, you probably need to be more relaxed."

Brittany was steadfast against the plan. Every word out of her mouth today was negative. It was fooling Rachel this, tricking Rachel that, she had nothing nice to say about the whole thing at all. She wasn't any help whatsoever. Santana may have been crude but at least she was supportive.

"I'm not tricking her. I care about her." I told her. It was something I was just coming to terms with. I wanted badly to pretend that I didn't but I did. I cared about Rachel Berry. I didn't want to trick her but I didn't have a choice. This was my last chance to fix myself. If I didn't do it tonight I'd be stuck this way forever.

"If you care about her why don't you just tell her that you love her? She'd probably have sex with you anyway, she cares about you too." I couldn't help but find myself wishing she was telling the truth. If Rachel cares about me she may be willing to give this a shot. Maybe she'd take pity on me and help me.

Brittany was screwing with my head. I bit back my fear and doubt. I needed to do this tonight. I couldn't risk Rachel telling me she wanted to wait until we got to know each other better, or until we were going steady, or something old fashioned like that. This had to be done immediately. I didn't have the luxury of time on my side.

"You know what Brittany? If your not going to be supportive maybe we should just change the subject because I don't want to hear any of this right now." It was harsh but it was honest. Brittany was being judgmental and I didn't need that right now. I needed a friend to tell me I was doing the right thing.

"Well what do you suppose I do Quinn, pretend that what you're doing is okay? You know your not as smart as you think you are. I know what you've been doing. I know you stole a dirty movie from Puck's house. I know you got Rachel drunk so you could make out with her. Hell you practically told us the whole thing last weekend when you were talking in your sleep. I made Santana promise not to give you crap about it but this is going too far. This is wrong. Tricking her into having sex with you is wrong. Rachel's a nice girl, this will mean something to her. You can't take advantage of her."

My head was spinning. She knew about the video, how? "What video?" I asked playing dumb. There was no way in the world she knew about that. Nobody could possibly have seen me take that. She was bluffing.

"The one Puck's been going on about for like a month. If you weren't so wrapped up in your own stuff you'd know about it. He practically accused Santana of stealing it that night at the party. She knew you had taken it because you were the only one who went into Puck's room that night besides her. She took the heat for you because I asked her to, but we both know SHE didn't take it."

Damnit, Damnit, Damnit.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I lied. It wasn't at all believable. How in the hell had he realized that video was missing? He had a huge stack of those things, how could he spot one missing so quickly. On the other hand it was unusually large and diverse. Puck was a super perv, of course he'd miss it. If he thought the girl looked like Rachel too, which I suppose is why he bought it in the first place, it would be obvious when it disappeared.

"We even tried to find it the other night at your house but you must be like James Bond or something because we couldn't find your porn stash anywhere."

"What porn stash?" I asked. Thank God I'd thrown it away. "I don't keep pornography in my house."

"Contrary to what you think, you're not that unique. You've done everything every lesbian in the history of the world has done before you." She stared at me with that judgmental gaze she'd been perfecting so well lately. "Well not everything. Knowing you you've probably done some very weird stuff."

So not cool. "I'm not a lesbian."

Brittany sighed. "Will you stop lying? Who the hell do you think you're talking to? You're worse than Santana, at least she admits it. She's still a big closet case but at least she admits it to herself. You don't even admit it to yourself."

"Why does this matter to you so much?"

Brittany looked away from me covering her face with her hands, she shook her head then pulled the hands away, her eyes on me unflinchingly. "How many times do I have to tell you that we're friends? You don't have to lie to me Quinn. You're my friend. I love you."

"Thank you but I'm fine. I can take care of myself."

Brittany laughed. "Yeah, that's worked out great for you so far."

It was the exact same thing Rachel said to me at my house the other day. All the lying and sneaking and self torture I was doing hadn't made me feel any better at all. I cared about Rachel. I cared about her a lot but it didn't matter until I could admit to myself why. I was gay, more than a little bit. Maybe I should just come clean. Maybe she'd understand.

Wait, why was Brittany messing with my head? This is exactly why I didn't want to talk about this. As soon as people find out what your plans are they come up with their own plan to ruin it. No, this was the best course of action, I'd thought it through. I wasn't going to let her talk me out of this. I had a plan, I was sticking to it. I'd already established that being spontaneous was bad.

"Trust me, I'm fine. After tonight all my problems will be behind me."

All Brittany did was scoff. "Yeah, sure, because this isn't at all a terrible idea."

~6:51pm~

I downed my beer quickly and disappeared upstairs to prepare Santana's spare bedroom for Rachel and I to spend some alone time in. I was a lot more relaxed with the beer in me and despite Brittany's 'pep talk' I was still 100% on board with the plan.

The room wasn't much, a bed, a dresser, and an easy chair in the corner. I'd considered candles and sexy underwear but that would tip her off to what I was doing the second she walked in the door. I had to get her to relax first. Get her talking, we had all night and I didn't plan on going home without getting Rachel toes up tonight. I went over the plan in my head again and summoned my courage. I was halfway through my second beer when I heard the knocking on the door. "Quinn are you inside?"

My heart began to pound when I heard the sound of her voice. She was outside the door waiting for me. Looking for me. The doubt returned with force and I started to freak out. I was doing my best to keep from hyperventilating.

"Quinn?" She asked again.

"Yeah Rachel I'm inside." I forced myself to say. My throat had gone dry and saying the words made me feel as if I'd tried to swallow a handful of sand. To combat it I downed the rest of my beer. With a deep breath I gathered my courage and prepared myself. The first step's the hardest.

"Do me a huge favor and close your eyes." She told me. There was a hint of fear in her voice. Was she afraid I was going to jump her bones?

I wasn't sure what this was about but after all the crap I'd pulled I couldn't deny her this one simple request. Besides I loved it when she bossed me around. If I was the boy in our little game then I was a henpecked one. I obediently shut my eyes.

"They're closed."

I heard the door open and shut and the smell of lilacs filled the room. Damn did she smell so good. How could she smell this good all the time?

"Quinn I know you're afraid. I know you're not really ready to be open about this but I'll make you a deal. If you open up to me I'll wait for you to get ready to tell everyone. I won't pressure you to come out. And don't you dare tell me that you're not gay. This isn't about gay or straight. I don't know that I am either but what I do know is that there is something going on between us. I'm not sure what it is but it feels like love to me. You're what I think about when I wake up in the morning and before I go to bed at night."

I didn't know what to say to that. It was beautiful. It was easily the nicest thing anybody had ever said to me. It sent the itch in the back of my mind into overdrive. Then something strange happened, it spread to every part of my body.

I couldn't explain the feeling, it felt like I was being smothered but instead of pressure my body began to tingle. She was so damn sexy I had to fight the urge to open my eyes and jump her bones. There was nothing about this girl that didn't drive me crazy. I made up my mind. This was happening. Santana was right. I had to hit that.

"Can I open my eyes yet?"

"Quinn you have to do me a favor and don't take what I say next personally. I mean don't freak out and think it's about you, it's not."

Oh my God, she's pregnant.

"I won't. What's going on? And why are my eyes closed?"

"I broke up with Finn today. What I was doing to him wasn't fair. He was driving himself insane. I couldn't do it to him anymore."

She was done with him? Finally. I won! I beat him.

"Quinn stop smiling. I told you it wasn't about you. At least not entirely."

She saw me smiling. I couldn't help it. "Can't I be happy? I totally thought you guys were wrong for one another anyway. Finn's great but you're a shooting star Rachel and being with him will only hold you back. He's like an anchor weighing you down. Everybody see's it but you."

"I don't want to talk about him right now. I'm here for you."

"We're supposed to talk tonight though right? We were supposed to get everything out in the open."

"Enough talking, open your eyes." She said.

My heart almost stopped when I opened my eyes. She was standing five feet in front of my face dressed up as my lesbian schoolgirl. She reached out and stroked my cheek letting her fingers linger near my chin. Her touch made my body tingling explode.

My mind began to race to match my explosive heartbeat. What was going on? What was this feeling? It felt like I was hot and cold at the same time. Like I weighed a ton and was floating on air. When I felt the familiarity of my nipples hardening and the slow steady throb between my legs I got it right away. I was horny. This is what it felt like to be horny. Oh my God was that what that itch was? Horniness?

"Do you like it?" She asked. She was still unsure of herself. I could tell by her slumped shoulders and closed off body language that she was uncomfortable with the outfit. Still she'd worn it. For me?

"I love it but why?"

She smiled as she closed the distance between us. She straddled my hips on the bed, leaving her red bra inches away from my slowly reddening face. This was real, she was really doing this. She was the perfect girl. How many other girls would dress up like this for me? None.

"Because I saw the way you looked at me when you asked me to wear it. I want to make you happy Quinn. I want to give you what you want. I'm not sure why you like this but it doesn't matter to me. I like the way it makes me feel when you look at me that way. I always want you to look at me this way. I've never felt more beautiful than when I'm with you."

"Look at you what way?" I asked. "Do I look at you some crazy way?"

She laughed. "Yes. Sometimes you look at me like I'm Angelina Jolie. It's the same way you're looking at me right now. Like I'm the most beautiful girl in the world."

I couldn't fight it anymore. I had to give in. "You are. I think you're the most beautiful girl in the world Rachel. I want you to know that you do something to me that nobody has ever done before. You make me feel alive."

She pulled away from me and locked eyes with me. "Do you mind if I turn off the lights and lock the door? I want to give you something."

This was it. She was talking about sex, she had to be.

"Lock it. Let me show you how much I care for you."

She pulled away from me and hit the door's lock and shut off the overhead light. I watched quietly as her tiny silhouetted frame began to unbutton her shirt. The itch was going totally beserk now and the only thing I could do to combat it was to keep my hands busy and distract myself. I pulled the Cheerio's tee-shirt I was wearing over my head and tossed it on the floor. Almost at exactly the same time Rachel's shirt hit the floor and she kicked off her black flats.

"I've never done this before, not with anybody, but it feels right. I know you love me, even if you're too scared to say it out loud."

Wait, she was a virgin? I thought for sure her and Finn were having sex. Why weren't they having sex? Why wouldn't he want to have sex with her? Was he gay?

"You're a virgin?" I asked her. My stomach began to churn. The words came out sounding silly. Here I was sitting in my black bra and jeans with the girl I'd spent hours obsessing over, half naked in front of me, and I'm wondering why she didn't have sex with her boyfriend.

"I wanted it to be right. It didn't feel right until now." I could tell by the way her voice changed pitch halfway through that she was being honest with me. She was opening herself up to me like she'd never done before. She was being brave and trusting me, and I was lying to her. I've lied about everything.

My churning stomach did a black flip. Oh no, not now. "Rachel before we do this I need to talk to you. There are some things you need to know." The words came spewing out of me before I could catch them. I didn't want to confess, no good would come from it, but I couldn't take this from her without her knowing everything. Her virginity was too important for me to play games with. I cancelled my plans for tonight, I had to tell her everything.

She looked almost horrified by my seeming rejection. I stood up and grabbed both her hands in mine. Comforting her and reassuring her without words. "You are so beautiful, you know that don't you?"

The comment caused her to smile shyly. "Can we talk after?"

"No I have to say this now, after I'm finished you may not want to do this with me anymore. If not I understand."

Now she looked worried. "What? Do you have boy parts?"

Boy parts? "No. Why would you think that?"

"Finn said…" She started to say then shook her head with personal embarrassment. "Never mind."

Finn told Rachel I had boy parts? If I wasn't so horrified I'd be impressed. He pulled out all the stops. "Let's sit down, I'll tell you everything."

~Sunday 12:39am Santana's house~

My head was pounding. Rachel's words were still swimming in my head. She'd gone totally off the deep end after I told her about the dirty pictures and spying on her in the locker room. She'd called me every hurtful name I could think of. She'd threatened to kick my ass, swore she'd call her parents and tell them what I'd done. Still after hours of yelling and screaming she was still sitting upstairs in Santana's guest room waiting for me.

I snuck down the stairs and head into the kitchen. Rachel had ordered me to track her down a diet soda. I wasn't sure if the Lopez family had any and when I told her this she claimed not to care. Told me it was my problem and that I should deal with it. I couldn't help but feel strange by it. I didn't mind it one bit. Santana's words rang in my ear. Earlier today she told me that Brittany sometimes did things to test her patience. Sometimes Brittany asked for things she knew Santana didn't have to see just how far the girl would go to make her happy. Santana, despite her tough girl demeanor, was a romantic. She was able to deliver every time.

"Hey look who it is. The virgin slayer." I heard someone say over my shoulder. Santana was sitting on her kitchen counter, a small bucket of Ben and Jerry's in her hands. She was only wearing her underwear and I suddenly felt underdressed despite the fact I was wearing a long tee-shirt over my underwear.

"What are you doing up?" I asked her.

"Hungry." Was all she said holding up the ice cream. She gave me the once over then smiled playfully. "So did you do it?"

I wanted to lie to her, boast and brag about my accomplishment. I couldn't though. I couldn't do that to Rachel. I still couldn't play games with her virginity. I wasn't a boy after all. A boy would have done it without thinking.

"No. My conscience got the better of me. I had to confess all the nasty things I've done to her over the last few weeks."

I watched her face morph from smile to frown. "What did you do?"

I couldn't, I couldn't tell Santana. "Lots of stuff. She's mad at me now. She ordered me to find her diet soda."

She looked up at the ceiling surprised. "She didn't leave then?"

I shook my head. "No."

"Bottom right hand cabinet. My mom keeps diet soda in there." She was still staring at the ceiling. "If she didn't go home you're still in the ballgame."

I shrugged before digging through the cabinet for Rachel's soda. "I'm screwed."

"You're in the doghouse. She just has to punish you for a while. Brittany constantly puts me there. The thing to remember is that it won't last forever. If she was really mad at you, I mean beyond repair, she wouldn't bother doing any of this."

"How long am I going to have to do this? I don't want to be her slave forever." Truthfully I didn't mind it one bit. There was something about her ordering me around that made me hysterical. I loved the way it made me feel to submit to her.

"One a scale of 1 to 10 how bad was what you did?"

"15." I admitted.

Santana laughed. "Nice. I'm intrigued but also afraid to ask. Well if it was that bad I'm thinking months."

I nodded. "I better get back up stairs." I said as I turned to head out of the room. I didn't want to keep Rachel waiting.

"Fabray." She called out to me.

"Yeah."

"It's okay. Being this way. I know it's weird, probably not what you envisioned for yourself. Still I've never seen you as happy as you are than when your with Berry. Nothing that makes you that happy can be wrong."

I felt the weight of everything I'd been carrying around press down on my shoulders. "I can't fix it Santana. I've tried. I've tried everything and I can't fix what's broken inside me."

"You don't need to be fixed Quinn. You're not broken. You are exactly who you're supposed to be. I understand why you don't want anybody to know. I don't want anybody to know either. But there's self preservation, and there's shame. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This is who we are. This isn't about Britt or Berry. This is about us. When I said we can help each other through this I meant it. I want us to get together, alone, so we can discuss this."

My head was spinning. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do Santana. If my dad finds out."

"I know." She said nodding. "Don't worry about that. Self preservation is not shame. One day you'll be able to take care of yourself. You'll have a job and money of your own and you can make the decision to tell everybody who you are. Today is not that day. Now is not that time. You don't have to come out to anybody until you're ready. People forget that this is the real world. Not everybody is going to be okay with us being this way and until we're in a position to protect ourselves we have to think things through."

I couldn't believe she was telling me it was okay to hide. Wasn't hiding against the Gay code or something. Weren't you supposed to tell people?

"So I don't have to tell anybody?" For some reason it didn't sound right. It sounded foreign.

"You don't have to do anything until you're ready. All you have to do accept yourself for being this way. You're not messed up, you're not broken, you're perfect just the way you are."

"How do you know?" I asked her.

"Britt told me and she doesn't lie to me." She was confident. Extremely confident that Brittany's words were law. I couldn't say that I blamed her.

"Can we talk more about this, I have questions?" I asked her.

She nodded taking another spoonful of ice cream. "Sure," she mumbled out. "I'll be around. Besides it'll be good to have my best friend back. We can help each other through this."

"Thanks Santana." I told her.

She nodded. "By the way, I have some strawberry daiquiri wine coolers in the fridge. I don't have a hot tub but Berry's a tiny little thing, two or three and she'll be drunk off her ass. Who knows you can still get lucky."

The last thing I needed to do was go back to trying to trick her. I mean I'd come so far tonight. She was mad at me but it was real. Honest. I didn't have to lie anymore, least of all to her. She was going to make me jump through some hoops but I was going to be okay. I could do this the right way. It was just going to take some time.

"I better not." I said with confidence.

"Suit yourself." Santana said. "They're just going to go to waste otherwise."

That wouldn't be cool. Santana had spent a lot of money putting this together. I'd be a bad guest if I didn't take a few upstairs for Rachel right. I mean it was even selfish not to take a few upstairs. And who's to say she'd even get drunk. This would be okay. It totally wasn't a big deal. It was harmless.

"Maybe I'll take a few upstairs. Just in case she wants some." It would be totally fine.

Santana smiled. "Just in case. That's okay with me. Have fun."

The End...

Okay, sorry if the ending seems a bit anti-climactic. It just felt like the most logical way to end things. The most honest. I just didn't feel Quinn would follow through on her plan once she realized that she was pushing Rachel to a point she'd never actually gone before. I think the guilt of it would be too much for even her warped mind to twist. In the end she does love Rachel and didn't want to hurt her. Telling Rachel the truth seems a bit out of character for how I established her but I think her actions in the story show an increasing desperation and fear. That feeling that you only need one more tiny bit of something and then you can leave it behind is a familiar feeling, at least for me. Quinn's ultimate decision to come clean to Rachel about all she's done is an acknowledgement that she's let things spin out of control and needs to right the ship. I believe she was a good person caught up in doubt, self hatred, and plain old lust. Santana and Brittany played the accepting devils on her shoulders, both I believed stayed in character, accepting of Quinn, but offering conflicting advice. Britt-do the right thing. Santana-do whatever it takes to get what you want. Anyway I hope you enjoyed this. It was painful to write at times but I did face down some lingering issues and what's writing about if it's not about working out our own personal demons through the gifts we were blessed to be given?