TITLE: The Ghost songfic(1/1)

AUTHOR: Bellerophon

EMAIL: [email protected]

CATEGORY: WWF

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, nor do I own the song 'The Ghost' by one of the worlds greatest bands Superheist.

DISTRIBUTION: You want it, you take it. Then you let me know.

RATING: PG

SUMMARY:.Matt Hardy reflects on feelings about the break up.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I hate the Hardys. I hate Lita. I really, really, do. But I was getting kinda sick of people ragging on Matt Hardy all the time and making him a bag guy. Out of the three of them, I hate him the least. So here this is. My one and only Hardys fic.

THE GHOST

I know it was all my fault. I know I was being stupid, moronic, insane and all those others words I used to get Lita to forgive me. I know that everything I though was going wrong wasn't really happening. I know a lot of people are wondering about why Jeff and Lita took me back.

I had my reasons though. I wasn't being insane when I yelled at Jeff and accused him of stealing Lita from me. I was just so sick and tired of being second best, of being the one girls left behind when they moved on to him. It had just happened too often before and Lita meant so much to me. I didn't want her to leave me as well. So I pushed her away.

It wasn't Jeff's fault either. I don't think he even realises the way he draws people to him. I hope he doesn't realise that he draws my girlfriends away from me. Not that I can blame them.

*Every time I hear you breathe selfish

I don't want to fall in again*

Jeff was always the main attraction. I'm just side entertainment. He always jumped higher, ran quicker, drove himself that step further than I was willing to. He has that dare devil mentality which supposedly women find attractive. I don't understand why. All I get from that is fear and anger at Jeff for risking himself for that rush of adrenalin. I guess that was one reason why things got so twisted last year. Jeff would pull his crazy moves and it would kill me watching him. Blaming the losses on him seemed like the best way to stop him.

In actuality it was the best way to alienate my younger brother from me.

*Every time I seem to look back

I revert to times I wish that hadn't been*

It all ran so quickly that by the time I figured out that tactic wasn't the best way, Jeff was already gone from my side and pulling Lita away from me as well. Now that hadn't been in the game plan. But after the shock wore off and I realised Lita was on his side, the anger maintained itself.

For awhile, I hated Jeff. He pulled those stunts, risked himself, and then walked away taking Lita with him.

*Every ounce and piece of respect I gave

You spat out*

I know now he didn't walk away. He didn't take Lita from me either. They both tried to get through to me and reason with me. Lita stuck by me as long as she could. By that point I wasn't seeing reason. All I saw was Jeff fighting against me and Lita in his corner, not mine.

*You sent me in a violent spin

But here I am*

That match with Lita as the referee was the final straw for me. I didn't listen when she came after me and told me it was a mistake, that she didn't see my foot on the ropes. All I knew was that she had sided with Jeff when I was in the right. Jeff had won again.

So I broke away.

*You say get away

I can't stand the sight of you any day*

I was just so angry. For the first time, Lita had looked at me like all those other girls looked at Jeff. *I* was special to her. *I* was the desirable one. For once it was me, not Jeff.

Not any more. Even now, our reunion complete, I can feel the remaining tension in the air. Lita walks cautiously around me when I get angry. She doesn't fight the same with me. Before when we argued, it was a free for all, low blows count and winner takes all. Our fights used to have passion.

Now she tip toes around me and avoids confrontation. I miss her fire.

*I taste your bitter embrace

Suffocate in total disgrace*

Jeff and Lita told me they were like brother and sister. They told me there was nothing between them. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't believe them. But then sometimes I see them together and Lita talks to him about things she won't talk to me about any more.

I changed everything for the worse. I finally gave into my feelings, my frustration, my insecurities about Jeff and it all blows up in my face. I learnt my lesson.

*Just when I really thought the worst was finally over and then

Somehow a kick to the head made me realise

I'm just a ghost again*

It's not worth losing Jeff over. For so long, my dreams have been his dreams, my problems have been his problems. We practised our moves on each other since we were little. We broke each other's bones and gave each other countless bruises.

How could I think of giving that up? It's not worth really telling him what I thought about what happened.

It's not worth telling him how compared to him, I'll always think I'm second best.

*It's only years of grief and spite

It's so damn clear it's not alright*

I gave up the idea of confronting him and asking him whether all those girls who left me for him had a good reason. I still have my doubts but I'm letting it go. Lita loves me. She told me, she promised me, she swore to me that she loved me and I finally believe her. All the ghosts of anger and betrayal will disappear soon and we'll be a proper team again.

I'm ready to leave the feelings of helpless jealousy and pathetic sadness behind.

*I gave my goodbyes today

Because I've really learnt to walk away*

I still watch Lita and Jeff joke and laugh together and feel it burning in me. But I'm not going to indulge in it again. It's pointless and painful and stupidly melodramatic.

Plus, a few shots of hard liquor ease the hurt when it won't go away by itself.

*Satisfaction I've rolled into

A tidy little drug affair*

I won't let them leave me behind again. I won't let my insecurities get away from and destroy everything I love. I've heard people say bottling up emotions is dangerous because they'll always come out. Well, I bottled up my emotions for twenty years and things were fine until I let them get the better of me.

I began to actually ask Jeff if things were going on with him and Lita and look at the way that ended up going.

Nah, I'd say bottle emotions beats open ones any and every day of the week.

*Abbreviate my jealous fits

Cause I don't care*

Jeff tries to reassure me sometimes without words. Does this little 'Look at me and Lita. We are definitely just friends' thing. It's uncomfortable for all included. It just reminds us of what I did. Of how I took every little tiny itsy bitsy occurrence with Jeff in our lives and twisted it into bitterness.

*You send me in a violent spin

But here I am*

I don't think people could blame me if they had lived my life. Twenty odd years of living in my younger brother's shadow. And if that's not twisted I don't know what it. It's supposed to be the other way round with him being jealous of me. But then twisted seems to be the story of my life.

*You say get away

I can't stand the sight of you any day*

Jeff was always the star. He has this gravitational pull and people revolve around him. That's not some egotistical sort of thing about him. It's the truth and I should know. I'm one of those people who circle him.

And once you're in, you can't pull away. Once you've met Jeff, you can't leave him behind.

*I taste your bitter embrace

Suffocate in total disgrace*

And just like me, so many of the girls I brought home met him and fell under his spell. I can't blame them, or him for that matter. That was just the way it always was. I became resigned to it after awhile, got used to seeing the attraction in their eyes when they looked at him. I got used to being the consolation prise.

But Lita was different.

*Just when I really thought the worse was finally over and then

Somehow a kick to the head made me realise

I'm just a ghost again*

I thought Lita must be my soul mate. How else was it possible that she didn't immediately look at Jeff and get that sparkle in her eyes for him? How else could it be that I was the one she wanted, not him?

I honestly wanted to think she was the one who was meant for me. That's why it hurt that much more sharply when she finally turned away. I pushed and pushed because I couldn't believe she truly loved me. And when I finally pushed her away, I thought I had proved myself right.

*It's only years of grief and spite

It's so damn clear it's not alright*

I was so angry at everything but amongst that, I was reassured about my position in the world. Jeff gets the girl and Matt looks like a loser. The sun rises in the morning and sets at night.

Then Undertaker practically tore Jeff apart and threw Lita after him off the stage. I was at WWF New York and all I could was watch disbelievingly. He couldn't do that, I thought. Jeff's my younger brother and no one beats him up except me. Some how, then it wasn't important that I was supposed to hate Jeff and Lita. All I knew was they were hurt and I should've been there to protect them.

I've never felt so guilty in all my life.

*Why did you turn around on me

I really haven't got a clue*

All I could think of was Jeff's bewilderment when I first turned on him. And I hated myself for being childish. It all seemed so stupid when Jeff and Lita were lying in hospital beds. All I knew then was regret about everything I had done.

I wanted to punish myself. I wanted to hurt myself for making them get hurt. I wanted the self flagellation to make myself feel better. Most of all, I needed to make that little betraying feeling in my head to go away.

So I challenged Taker.

*I thought I kinda knew you better

Than you make me wanna do*

I went out with a Kendo stick. I guess my game plan was to get at least some revenge before I got beaten down. But mostly I just wanted to feel the pain outside, instead of inside. Physical pain has nothing against mental pain.

Undertaker beat me in any way he could. He used power moves, he tossed me like a rag doll onto railings, he beat me with a chair. Then he almost crushed my larynx.

I think he knew what I wanted and gave it to me. I think maybe he kind of understood too. I wanted to stop telling people how I felt. I wanted to stop putting my foot in my mouth. I wanted my feelings to stay put in the pit of my stomach.

Then again, maybe he's just a bloodthirsty bastard who was all too happy to viciously injure me.

*I've seen the bottom

Now I face the top*

When he asked me if the bitch was worth it, it stuck with me. Was Lita worth it? I don't mean the injuries or anything. The Undertaker was asking if Lita was worth tearing Jeff and myself apart. If being jealous was worth losing them both.

I knew the answer. Lita wasn't worth it.

*And you're the back of me*

If I couldn't live with Jeff and her at the same time, I knew what I would give up.

I think coming to that realisation is what made it possible for me and Lita to get back together. I got my priorities right and I think she saw that. I think she knew I wouldn't go flying off the handle again.

I hope she knows I'm working on not letting my anger control me any more.

*You make me sick

You make me volatile

It's all you're gonna be*

Things are different now. Lita and I look at each other in different ways. We've grown and become stronger for what I did. Jeff is still as clueless as ever. But that's okay, I wouldn't want him any other way.

But sometimes, I feel the familiar feeling rise.

*Just when I really thought the worse was finally over and then

Somehow a kick to the head made me realise

I'm just a ghost again*

I'll bottle it up. I'm not letting them see. I won't let it happen again. I won't let the old insecurities and jealousy push them away from me.

*It's only years of grief and spite*

It cost me too much. I don't want to feel that way again. Far easier to keep it myself and live with my problems than lose Jeff and Lita and deal with the problems.

I'd rather let it fester inside me until I die than tell them I still feel that way sometimes.

I just hope I don't destroy us.

Again.

*It's so damn clear it's not alright*

*********

There we go. I've written a Hardys fic. Just so every one knows how odd that is for me, I hate them. And Lita. I think the three of them suck. And yet I keep including them in my fics. Ah, the twisted logic that is me.

Anyway, Superheist rules. And a big hi to Amy cause you're so cool.

This is the great, the renowned, the one and only big B signing off for the day.