Beautifully broken

Rebuilding is hard.

Having no reason to rebuild makes it even harder.

During the war against the capitol, I felt powerful, important. For years I have rebelled against them. Refused to let Snow sell my body like he did others; I let my family pay with their lives for that act of my own personal rebellion.

It felt good making hushed decisions with my fellow victors, making vows to protect a girl that just seems….I don't know? Clueless? It felt good being in the Quarter Quell, back in the arena again, I never really left the first one anyway. Yelling at the sky about the rebellion, risking my life for this girl I barely knew. Being the Martyr for the cause, I can do that. I have nothing to live for anyway.

The Capitol already took everything away from me, the last thing they can have, is my life.

Of course that's when everything went all wrong. That's when the Capitol took me.

For weeks I had to endure near constant pain, forced to listen the screams and cries of Peeta and Annie when they weren't working on me. Sometimes I would hear Enobaria too, but I was beyond caring about her.

I would willingly give my life to the capitol, a couple of times I shamefully begged them to take it. Instead I got a shaved head and electrocuted on a daily basis.

Then in the middle of the night, in a haze of explosions and knock out gas I was saved from that awful place.

Weeks more I had to work on myself. Recovering in the hospital, becoming addicted to and then withdrawaling from morphling, being forced to visit a head shrink all the time. Pffftt…like that helps.

Working day in and day out training to go back to the capitol to take it by force.

In the end, I was too weak.

The war was won, with no help from me.

So here I am, the damaged girl from District 7 whom has not a single possession to her name and no one who gives a damn.

Sure time has helped re-grow my hair, and my scars fade slightly, but really it's the emotional scars that run the deepest and take the longest to heal.

I've only recently started mastering the art of showering again.

My pathetic life consists of sitting with a slightly swollen bellied Annie in District 4, since I'm still not "stable enough to live on my own" say's my quack of a head shrink. Wish I had Katniss' head doctor; he at least let her go back to her district and live on her own. He even pretends to treat her over the phone when I know she hasn't talked to anyone for weeks.

They act like Annie, the one that is truly the unbalanced one of the two of us, is somehow watching over me. Please. I usually end up picking up the slack when she goes off the deep end, busying myself with the mundane task of cleaning, or trying to cook our meals.

I miss the trees and vastness of District 7.

The smell of freshly cut wood.

Hopefully this quack will let me get out of here soon.

As the weeks drag by I'm unsure if I can actually leave Annie alone. She is getting rounder, and checking out of her own head more often. I know she misses Finnick desperately; to be honest I do too. I think he may actually have been one of the few people left on this planet that actually liked me.

I seem to be taking care of Annie more than she's taken care of me. Maybe If I do get permission to go back to 7 Annie will agree to go with me?

One Sunday evening, Annie and I are on the front porch watching the sunset. She seems to like watching the colors dance across the sky. Often time's she'll rub her belly and mutter incoherent things to herself.

I am shocked when I see one Gale Hawthorne walking in the distance with a duffle bag slung over his shoulder. At first I figure I must be imagining it but as his figure get's closer there is no mistaking it.

I stand up and lean over the porch railing, squinting my eye's until he gets in hearing range and yell "Do thine eyes deceive me? Is that Gale Hawthorne? Thee Gale Hawthorne? War hero? District 2 super star? Explosives expert? Sharp shooter? Brainy and brawny?"

For some unexplainable reason, I have always had a sort of affection for Gale; ever since I met him in 13. Even if he was visiting Katniss and totally caught me siphoning off her morphling. He has a place rooted deep in my head that I just can't explain.

"Nice to see you too Johanna" He say's calmly while he makes his way up the steps and sits down in my recently vacated chair.

"Hi Annie. How are you?" He asks.

Annie just stares at him with a polite smile on her face before turning back to the sunset.

"She's not up to talking to strangers" I say as I cross my arms over my chest and lean against the post connecting the porch floor to the roof.

"What are you doing here anyway? Aren't you supposed to be in District 2 with Beetee, being all smart and rebuilding a civilization from the ground up or something?"

"Yeah, I am. Aren't you going to invite me in?"

"Maybe. Why are you avoiding my question?" I ask.

"What? I'm not allowed to visit a couple of friends?"

"Not like this. What's up?"

He looks weary but stands up and grasps me by my arm and gently brings me right inside the door way.

"Your head shrink wanted me to check on you. He also was wondering how Annie is dealing with the pregnancy with Finnick being….you know….gone."

I yank my arm from his grasp and say "Me and Annie are doing just fine. You could have saved yourself a lot of time and trouble if you just picked up the phone."

"Well, guess I'm not smart enough to figure how to use a telephone, so in the mean time you're stuck with me."

Much to my surprise Gale seems to be a pretty decent house guest. He graciously took the couch without a word, he help's Annie slowly come back down to earth when she has one of her episodes. He even sometime's helps me with the cooking. Of course he's awful at it and I'm not much better, but we do make edible food.

He usually fishes during the day. Which is good. Get's him out of my hair.

One evening we take Annie out on the back porch with some goat cheese and the green seaweed District 4 bread. We lay out a blanket on the sand and munch our bread for a while before Annie decides to lay down right in the middle of our little picnic.

Gale and I leave her to rest and walk down to the waters shore line. The sun is setting behind us on the front side of the house, but the water reflects the colors that streak across the sky almost perfectly; the pinks and oranges, and purples. I toe my shoes and socks off before dipping my toes in the foamy sea.

I sit down in the sand just far enough away from the water's edge that my butt stays dry but the slight rising and falling of the sea still comes up and laps my feet.

Gale sits down cross legged next to me without a word and we both just stare out into the horizon.

For a while nothing is said, however Gale breaks the silence first.

"So. Annie. She seems a little more off then the last time I seen her."

"Yeah" is all I reply.

He doesn't push it, so we just keep our eyes forward.

I let a sigh escape me before speaking very softly.

"I don't know what I'm going to do with her."

"What do you mean?"

I finally turn my head to look at him and when he looks back at me my breath catches for a second.

Anyone with eye's can see he's good looking, but the way the sunset halo's his olive skin and reflects off his grey eye's is breathtaking. I can even see flecks of light blue in his irises.

"I mean, In case you haven't noticed she's 6 months pregnant. She's going to be having a baby soon and she is just getting worse as the week's go by. She can't even take care of herself. How is she going to take care of a baby?"

He just shrugs "with help from friends I guess?"

"I hope you don't mean me. I don't know the first thing about babies, or even family for that matter." I snort. "I can't help her." I barely whisper "I can't help anyone." Then I turn away from him and put my chin on my knees.

"Johanna" He say's my name, with such force I am almost startled by the sudden change in tone but I don't show it. "In case YOU haven't noticed, you have been taking care of her all by yourself for the last 6 months."

I just shrug.

"Don't shrug at me. It's the truth, and after everything you've been through, you still remain…decent."

"Decent?" I turn my head to look at him again. "Well I guess that's an improvement from heartless, emotionless, murderous, bitch, eh?" I give him the fakest most sarcastic smile I can manage.

I don't know why he is making me feel so damn small. I'm older then he is, experienced more.

"Don't do that" He rolls his eyes at me.

"….and what about you? Huh? Where's your family? Oh god among men."

"They are in District 2. I got them out of District 13 as soon as I could and now they are all living with me. Beetee's watching over them while I'm gone."

"Same 'ol Gale, always taking care of other people. Never having anyone take care of him. Maybe we have more in common then we think." I wink at him.

"Same 'ol Johanna, always trying to act tougher than she is." He retorts.

"How dare you! Why are you here? I have been taking care of myself my whole life. I don't need you here. I don't need anyone."

"Is that how you really want to be Johanna? You're 22 years old for Christ's sake. If you want to spend the rest of your life bitter and alone then you just keep doing what you're doing, okay?"

He stands up and brushes the sand from the back of his pants before walking back into the house.

Leaving me alone on the surf as the first twinkling of the evening stars start to penetrate the twilight.

Story of my life, alone.

I sit with my forehead to my knees turning over what he said in my head.

Who is he? really? He doesn't even know me. Doesn't know what I've been through. How dare he just come here and act like he is somehow taking care of me. It's more like I have another mouth to feed. HA! How do you like that Gale, fricken Mr. perfect Hawthorne? I'm taking care of you, you are NOT taking care of me.

I lift my head and stare out into the nearly faded glow of the sun before I have to grit my teeth and admit to myself, that he did actually have a good point. I am still young and I have my whole miserable life ahead of me. I can choose to make it more miserable by pushing the handful of friends I actually have away, or try to change for the better.

Making myself vulnerable….damn it. That's the last thing I want to do.

Okay Johanna. One step at a time. Let's start with an apology first.

I finally get up and brush the sand off of me, gather my socks and shoes, before rousing Annie and gathering our blanket and unfinished bread and cheese. I put the heap down on the table and lead Annie to her room and help her into bed.

I scan the room for Gale but he's nowhere to be found.

I keep my indifferent face plastered on while I put the blanket and my sandy socks and shoes in the washroom and throw the half eaten bread and cheese away.

I start to do the few dishes in the sink when I spot Gale by the water's edge; the moonlight shining off his damn perfect skin.

I watch as he peels his shirt off revealing a well toned upper body before he kicks his jeans off as well. I try to pull my eyes away from the window, but it's no good.

He wades into the ocean before dunking his head under and disappearing completely.

What the hell? Does he even know how to swim? I really don't want to go out there and rescue him.

Just as the thought crosses my mind his head pops back up out of the water.

I watch him for a little while. Submerge and then pop back up, he floats on his back for a while and then starts swimming back and forth.

I finish the dishes and leave him to his swimming and go to get a shower.