Summary: Merlin visits Gwen. (Missing Scene. 4x09 Lancelot du Lac)

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The Way It Is

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Merlin lets himself into Gwen's home when there was no answer to the door and found her packing with a manic energy; hastily, sloppily, her breath hitching with half-swallowed sobs. This wasn't the first time that Gwen had been banished, but it was different this time. This time, Merlin isn't sure if it was completely unjust.

Lancelot may have been a shade sent to put a wedge between Gwen and Arthur, but it took two to commit such a grievous betrayal. Gwen is a good person - more than good - and a dear friend, but there had always been a deep and profound connection between her and Lancelot. Though it pains Merlin to admit that Gaius might be right, he couldn't convince himself that Gwen wouldn't have done the same if Lancelot, the real Lancelot, had given her the same chance. He couldn't put the blame entirely on the machinations of Morgana and the enemies of Camelot this time. He couldn't fix Arthur and Gwen with magic. He hadn't felt so helpless in a long time.

Still.

"Gwen?" he says cautiously, trying to get her attention without startling her. She stops and doesn't turn around, breathing slowly to regain what little control she had left.

"Please, Merlin…"

She couldn't even feel relief that Merlin still cared about her even after what she had done, only that she couldn't face him, couldn't face anybody. Couldn't face herself. "Please go away."

"Gwen," Merlin tries again, his voice gentle and pleading. "If...if you need a place, look for my mother in Ealdor. You'll always be welcome there."

Gwen doesn't speak, letting the generous offer settle in, feelings of guilt swelling up from her core and into her eyes, threatening to overwhelm her again.

"Thank you," she manages to say, but I don't deserve such kindness catches in her throat. It would only invite Merlin to insist that she does. Or worse, not say anything to the contrary.

She knows Merlin would speak on her behalf anyhow, if he hasn't already (dear, sweet Merlin, loyal to his friends to a fault), but this was her cross to bear, banishment generous even if she had hoped for more. No one cuckolds the king and lives. Or deserves to.

"Is there anything I can do?"

She steels herself and turns to face him then. It was the least she could do for someone who's still here by her side after her body (no, all of her), betrayed his king, his master, his best friend. Even through her own pain and turmoil, she recognizes that she's not the only one suffering. But everything is just too sharp, too soon, to do anything more. "Just...just let me do this by myself. Please."

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Merlin sees her off the next morning, sits outside in the chilled dayspring air so she doesn't have to feel like she was alone. Watches her struggle with her things and fights the urge to run after her out of respect for her wishes.

Their eyes meet.

I'm sorry they say.

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Comments appreciated.