Princess Tutu: The Abridged Series Act 1 Chapter 3: Episode 3: UFMP,UnidentifiedFlyinMeatPie, a princess tutu fanfic

I am super excited about the anime convention this week, but it seems possible that I might be off the computer more than I would like. I am working really hard for a Death the Kid tshirt my mom didn't want to get, and my hard work is the only fragile thing that is keeping her from throwing it out the window so I hope you guys understand if it might be a little slow this week! All credit goes to Elf and everyone at TutuOnAbridgers (the username group on youtube, if u want to check it out). Repeat, I DO NOT OWN THIS DIALOGUE! So no flames, please!~

Princess Tutu: The Abridged Series Act 1

Episode 3: UFMP (Unidentified Flying Meat Pie)

(Disclaimer: None of the dialogue of the Abridged series, Princess Tutu, or any other parodies u might hear do I own! If I did, Duck would've stayed human and gotten together with Fakir! FAKIRU FOREVA! No copyright infringement!)

Once upon a time, there was a barber and his wife, and she was beautiful. A foolish barber and his wife; she was his reason and his life, and she was beautiful and she was virtuous, and he was...naive.

Theme Song: I Don't Feel Like Dancing by Scissor Sisters

Elf as Duck

Walker as Mytho

Blade as Rue

Runen as Fakir

"Duck, we braved in infamous wrath of Mr. Cat so we can help intone your fantastic ass. Don't make me go super seiyan on it!"(1) Pique growled as the book on Duck's head fell on the back of her butt for the 3rd time that day.

"You can't do that! That's blatant copyright infringement!" Lillea cried out as she squeezed Duck in a death-grip hug.

"Oh come on, Lillea! This is an abridged series!"

"...What?" Duck said obliviously.

"Oooh static electricity!" Lillea squeaked happily as she quickly rubbed Duck's head.

"Abusing her does not make her a better ballerina." Pique huffed.

"But-...I just want to touch her assssssss!" Lillea whined.

"I dunno. Duck's been acting pretty weird today. She's all limp and lifeless like an overpowering hatred of ballet has drained away her life force."

"Maybe she's a puppet!" Lillea exclaimed as she held Duck in her arms. "...Duck doesn't usually let me touch her like this."

"Look guys, it's not that. It's just that some really crazy stuff has been happening to me lately. See, Mytho is actually a prince with no heart, and I can turn into a magical ballerina princess who has to find the shards and return it to him so he can fight birds. Eeeeevil birds."

"You know, I've heard stories like that." Pique said thoughtfully.

"Who knew Duck was into hard drugs?" Lillea said cheerfully.

"It sort of sounds like the Prince and the Raven."

"Look! The book is conveniently right here!" Lillea said as Pique picked up the book.

"Wow...that's some really good cover art." Duck exclaimed as she stared at the title of the book, examining the author's name. "...Drosselmeyer is a silly name."

'You may call me Drosselmeyer~'

"So what's up with this Drosselmeyer guy?" Duck asked.

"Oh, he's dead!" Lillea said a little too happily.

"Dead?" Duck said with a 'duh' look on her face.

"Well, we're leaving but remember-" Pique warned.

"We'll be watching your behind!" Lillea finished as they skittered out of the practice room.

"Wait!" Duck cried out, but the two girls were already gone. "Awww...they took the book. Now it's just me and...calculus." Duck shuddered. "Hey look, it's Mytho-...with Rue...and a picnic basket...oh..." she sighed, not noticing the other prescence in the room.

"You're supposed to read with your eyes and not with your head, moron." Fakir grumbled.

"Oh...it's you." Duck said irritably.

"Where's Mytho? He went out without my authorization and he must be...captured." Fakir finished briskly.

"You control freak! He's Rue's boyfriend, not yours." Duck pointed out.

"RUE KIDNAPPED MYTHO! ?" Fakir screeched.

"I didn't-!"

"I WILL HUNT HER DOWN!" Fakir shouted, his face reflecting darkly in sheer rage.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"So if no one sees me practice, how can they know if I play hooky?" Duck thought outloud before Edel's ghost music began playing as a raccoon driving an oversized mo-ped drove in front of her, magically dropping off the puppet Edel behind.

"See ya later, handsome." Edel waved before turning towards Duck and saying "Remember, cash or credit."

"Miss Edel! Boy, am I glad to see you! I have so many more questions to ask you." Duck greeted her as she began explaining the situation as they walked down the cobblestone streets of Kinkan Town.

...

"...so Mytho and Rue are an item, and Fakir is Mytho's roomate so HOPEFULLY they aren't an item, and Rue doesn't like Fakir so they DEFINITELY aren't item, but I want to be Mytho's squeeze!

"A mighty wind fans flames and makes treetops sway, but flames burn trees to the ground."

"Ahhh, an extended metaphor! So Mytho fans Fakir and makes Rue sway, but Fakir secretly wants to burn Rue alive!

"It's not a perfect metaphor..." Edel sighed as the innocent Duck ran off towards some unknown direction, probably looking for some bread crumbs.

'Where could Rue and Mytho be?' Duck thought before she spotted the young couple lying under the tree with a large picnic laid out with all sorts of goodies. 'Hmmm...I guess Mytho must be having a blast with all of that food. I hope he left some for Rue.'

"Mytho, say you love me." Rue sighed contently as her long eyelashes opened for only a brief moment before lazily drooping shut again once more.

"I love me..." Mytho said robotically.

"Oh sna-" Duck gushed before clapping her hands over her mouth while her legs wobbled to-and-fro. "Oh dear! I think I'm having a seizure! Mytho said the word 'love'! Ack! Oh dear lord! Oh my legs! I can't. feel. my legs!"

"Mytho, I'm thirsty. Get me something to drink." Rue asked as she lifted her head off of Mytho's lap and into a sitting position. Mytho handed her a bottle of ice cold lemonade, making her reel back in disgust.

"No Mytho! Water! Now!" Rue screeched angrily as she made him pour out the contents of the bottle. Mytho indifferently got up and

"OMG! OMG! HELP! I CAN'T CONTROL MY ARMS! OH MAN, I'M DROOLING! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Duck whined as she flailed her arms uncontrollably, her hyperness turning her face a dark red.

Duck was walking around the school campus for no apparent reason, leaving herself with her thoughts...errr thought.

'I can't believe Mytho poured out all that lemonade, but wow...maybe one day, Mytho could say that to me.' Duck thought to herself, blushing at the very thought of Mytho saying-

"I love you, Duck."

"OMG! WHOOPS! LEATHER! CLOSE PINS!" Duck squealed excitedly as she ran around in circles.

"Let's get married, Duck."

"RRRRRRRRAAAAAH! STEADY COLLARS! LEOPARD SHEETS! PEANUT BUTTER!"

"Have my babies, Duck."

"OOooooooooo! MARSHMELLOWS! POM-POMS! FEATHER BOAS! HAHAHAHAHAHA-OMPH!" Duck fangirled before she collided into the very person she had been day dreaming about, turning an embaressed pink. "Ack! Oh Mytho!...H-Hi Mytho...um! My limbs, so stiff! I walk around in the night like this, umm yep! I'll eat'ch your brains!"

'Oh no! Cut off Zombie Duck's head before she goes more insane! Say something clever!' Duck's inner self rolled around wildly inside her head.

"Sooooo Mytho, I've been thinking about building a perfect race by eliminating all those inferior."

'High, all Nazi'd up, then cut off her idiotic head!' Duck's inner self growled in frustration at the stupidity she was showing.

"The human body is 75% water. Less than one percent of all water is reconsidered for consumption..." Mytho mumbled as he stared at the clear bottle of water that he held in his hand before he scraped it on a nearby pricker bush.

"Ahhhh! Mytho! You're gonna get AIDS!" Duck squeaked, pointing at Mytho's injured hand. "Hmmm, how do you cure AIDS?"

'Hmmm...thinking back now...replace blood? Mmm no-no...' Duck appeared in deep thought while Mytho stared his usual fathomless gaze. '...Wow, what pretty eyes...'

"That's it! Water is the cure for AIDS!" Duck exclaimed before dumping the entire contents of Rue's water all over Mytho's hand. "Oh no! I've used it up! My nobel! How will I replicate my results? !" Without warning, Duck grabbed onto Mytho's wrist and dragged him away in search of the AIDS curing water.

"Hmmm now where would we find water? In a house? In a tree?" Duck thought as she walked through a more secluded part of town.

"How about there...?" Mytho pointed towards a humble little restaurant that look just like a cottage.

"Geoff-net?" Duck said curiously, trying to pronounce the German language for which she did not speak-.

"You mean 'open'..." the prince replied.

-except for Mytho, because he knows this kind of pointless dribble.

"Riiiiiiight..." Duck dragged out before knocking the shabby wooden door.

"Who's there? ! Who sent y'all? !" said a frantic figure in a southern bell accent, her shockingly large lavender eye the only part visible to the duo in the diamond window pane.

"Ahhh! No one! I mean-!...Isn't this a restaurant?" Duck exclaimed, backing away from the door a solid couple of yards.

"Yee-es! Of course it is! You must come in!" the woman said darting out excitedly through the door in front of them before dashing into another doorway nearby.

(insert crazy cartoonic violence noises of your choice)

"Through this door!" said the woman, unveiling a bigger door that led into a simple dining room that seemed to be made out a person's house. "Welcome to The Restaurant! So, are you hungry? They say we have the best meat pies in Golden Crown!"

"Umm..." Duck mumbled.

"I don't suppose you've heard of them...?"

"W-Well actually, I'm just here for water."

"Just water?" the woman said dissapointedly.

"I-" Duck began before a low empty grumbling noise came from her lower abdomen.

"Your stomach speaks for you! It would be rude, yes, down right rude not to give you a good meal!" the lady said as she excitedly pushed Duck into one of the dining room chairs before Duck's pendant began to glow a crimeson red.

"Wait...so psycho makes it shiny or does she have a piece of Mytho's heart?" Duck pondered outloud as the scene shifted quickly to the less important characters in the episode.

"Rue, where's Mytho?" Fakir asked, riding on a chestnut brown horse he had snagged from the nearby stables for no apparent reason.

"Why should I tell you? It's not like he's yours." Rue said as she sat comfortably in the shade next to the picnic basket.

"Well, he certainly isn't yours." Fakir retorted with an irritable glare in his eyes.

"Touche'." Rue shrugged as she got up and brushed herself of any grass or dirt clinging to her skirt. "You know, if we weren't such insuffrable control freaks, we might get along. We do have a lot in common."

"Well, you are very pretty for a moron." Fakir said, glancing at Rue out of the corner of his eye.

"What did you say?"

"I said 'you're beautiful'."

"Why Fakir, you're being very forward~" Rue said with a flirtatous tone, only for Fakir to pass her by on his horse. "Wait! I'm coming to!"

"Food! Food! Ha ha! Eat more!" said the woman as she rushed in with multiple trays of delectable treats and goodies.

"Umm...do you have-?" Duck began before the woman cut her off.

"More? ! Yes I have so much more food!" the woman interrupted as she rushed off to bring more plates of food.

"Not what I meant." Duck said before she sighed in defeat and tried a piece of her meal. 'I have to find a way to get Mytho's heart shard...THIS IS DELICIOUS! AND THIS! It's all delicious!' Duck thought as she began trying any piece of food she hadn't already stuffed into her mouth. 'How can they all be this delicious? I guess it's the cafeteria food talking...' She took another bite. 'I get shivers when I eat them! This is impossible! Why can't all food be this wonderful?'

"Hey Mytho, can you pass me the pudding?" Duck asked.

"Nooo...MINE." Mytho said rather possesively...and creepily. ^^;

(flashback)

'I am Mytho's hunger lost and forgotten...'

(flash forward)

'That's right. Hunger...' Duck thought as Mytho began devouring the pudding.

"MORE FOOD! AND MORE! AND MORE!" said the woman excitedly.

"Alllllright...I'm going to...umm... the ladies' room, okay?" Duck said unsurely as she excused herself from the table.

"OM NOM NOM!" Mytho said as he munched on the double cheeseburger he wanted last chapter.

*FLUSHES*

"Okay, now that that's done with, I better get to work." Duck said as she kicked a small piece of toilet paper off of her shoe.

"...Yes, Mr. Todd. I think aliens would make nice meat pies, don't 'cha?" said a voice faintly from a room Duck decided to easedrop in. The restaurant lady was sharpening a butcher's knife next to a cut-up ham. "That boy keeps eating; I'm sure he's one. The girl will make a nice pie, even though she's not, but they don't suspect, do they?"

'What? PIES? !' Duck thought before she stared out a window and noticed a small headstone.

"...The best meat pies in all of Golden Crown."

"What? ! She's gonna-! Oh sn-mph!" Duck said, muffling her own voice before taking off down the hallway. "Mytho, we have to leave RIGHT NOW! The resteroom smells like smoke and I think the lady's trying to make us into pies!"

"Really? That's nice..." Mytho said indifferently as he continued eating his steak.

'It's no good! The food is too tasty!' Duck whined sadly before a box of pictures fell on her noggin'. "What are these? Conspiracy theories?" Duck thought aloud.

"What are ya doin'?" asked the lady, appearing suddenly from the shadows.

"I was...leaving..." Duck said, dragging out the 'leaving' portion.

"NO!" the woman shrieked.

"YES!" Duck screamed back before the woman had a look of distain on her face.

"More food?" Mytho asked.

"You can leave, but your friend stays." said the woman as she pushed Duck out of the cottage and locked the door behind her.

"Wait! NO!" Duck shouted, banging the door and trying to pick the lock, her one true weakness. 'Damn! I have to save Mytho! I don't wanna marry a pie!' she thought pitifully as Drosselmeyer's gear dropped into view.

"Yes, yes. Having a piiiiiiie be the hero of the story would be rather...problematic. Go on~" said Drosselmeyer as he hopped across the screen.

"TUTU OOOOOOOONNNNNNN!" Duck shouted loud enough for China to hear.

(Sweeny Todd theme plays on organ)

"Who's there?" the lady asked as Princess Tutu emerged from a large red light. "ALIENS? ! YOU'VE COME FOR ME AT LAST!"

"No, I come for Mytho." Princess Tutu replied lightly.

"SO HE IS AN ALIEN!" the woman exclaimed in realization.

"Errr...no-! I mean-! Will you come dance with me?"

"What? ! So you can suck out my brains? No way!"

"Come. Why are you so mistrustful all the time? Even when you make such delicious food, you don't open up to people."

"Why would I open up to any of them? THEY'RE OUT TO GET ME!"

"Why do you think so? What are you feeling?"

"Why should I tell ya? What do you gain from it? !"

"I see. You've lost someone dear, and you're lonely."

"Wha-?"

"And stricken with grief, you've been driven to insufrible paranoia"

"So you WERE trying to steal my recipies!" the woman began before she sighed in defeat. "...Yes, I guess you're right. I do miss him terribly. All those psychotic rages inspire me."

"I'm not paranoia! What do you want from me?" said both the woman and the heart shard.

"To return."

Rue and Fakir were walking past the cottage, the latter one dragging his horse by the bridle.

"Well I must say, I- MYTHO!" Fakir shouted as he and Rue rushed over towards the white haired boy while Duck 'ducked' behind the porch.

"Mytho, are you alright?" Rue asked in concern.

"What happened?" Fakir said, his accusation sounding more like a command than a question.

"Princess...tutu was here..." Mytho mumbled while looking at his hand. The duo gave him blank stares.

"(-_-) You're joking, right?" they both asked rhetorically in unision.

"Princess Tutu isn't real!" Fakir stated.

"She's just a story." Rue said rolling her eyes.

'Whaaaat? Tutu isn't real? !' Duck thought in shock.

"Her story is over. A princess who's destiny is to turn into a speck of light and vanish after she confesses her love to the prince." Rue continued.

"Princess Tutu..." Fakir finished.

'WHAT! ? NO! That can't be true!' Duck screeched in her mind as she ran down Golden Crown's streets. 'I don't wanna dissapear! I don't even wanna be a duck! THIS SUCKS!'

"Well, life sucks, especially for you, the terrible tragic Princess Tutu~" Drosselmeyer concluded from backstage.

To Be Continued...

Ending Theme: Caramall Dansen

Taslin as Narrator

Runen as Drosselmeyer

Doodle (Lex) as Edel/Anteaterina

Blade as Mr. Cat/Lilliae

The Girls as the Mytho Fangirls

"Wait, did you hear something?" Rue asked.

"I didn't hear anything." Fakir replied

"Strawberries provide more vitamin C than oranges..." Mytho said randomly.

"SHUT UP, MYTHO!" Fakir and Rue shouted.

Author Notes:

(1) DragonballZ reference.