Killing a Bottle of Absinthe

Skeptically, I looked at him. "I think this may be a bad idea."

Looking more mischievous than usual, Gojyo grinned back at me. "Why? It's your birthday."

"Yes, but consider what happened to you on my last birthday."

With a short pause, he rubbed the back of his neck and then admitted, sheepishly, "I don't remember."

"That's no surprise." I, of course, remembered clearly, but I decided to exclude some of the messier details, and said, "You drank your weight in hard alcohol, threw up nearly twice that amount—somehow—and passed out in the back yard."

"Yeah, because it was your birthday."

It bothered me that what I'd just said didn't bother him in the slightest, so I shook my head, wonderingly, and said, "All I'm saying is that I would much prefer a quiet evening to myself, and perhaps some sake and cards, later, at a more appropriate hour. It's only just five, you know."

Gojyo frowned. "That's so boring though."

"To you, perhaps. To me, it sounds just right."

"C'mon, Hakkai, be nice—it's your birthday."

I raised an eyebrow. "So you keep reminding me. Pray tell though, why do I have to be nice to you on my birthday? I should think it would be the other way around."

Gojyo shrugged and took a quick drag off his cigarette. "I just mean I don't wanna fight with you about what happened last year anymore."

"Yes," I smiled. "Losing gets quite tedious, doesn't it?" I hoped he really would let the issue lie now. Every year he saw fit to harass me on my birthday, ignoring the fact that I'd rather keep to myself. I supposed he failed to consider that, once, I'd had a twin, and she'd been everything to me, and that I'd lost her. How could I possibly enjoy anything even resembling a celebration? Particularly when his way of celebrating was so distasteful to me.

Trying to sound apologetic, I added, just so he'd really understand, "I'm sorry, it's just that I'd rather not spend my evening watching you get hammered and then babysitting you through the rest of the night."

His otherwise perpetual grin melted at once into a scowl. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, it's just that…if we start drinking now, I'm sure I'll be carrying you to bed around midnight." That would be the least of it, I knew. I'd also be holding his hair back while he was sick, and I expected I'd be cleaning up vomit at some point, and frankly I didn't want to indulge his drunken prattle either, nor tolerate his incessant complaining the following afternoon. I couldn't even guess how many times I'd have to pick him up off the floor.

However, I kept those thoughts to myself.

Just as quickly as it came, the scowl was gone, and the grin was back. "Not if you're hammed too."

"Gojyo," I sighed, losing patience. "For two years now, you've done everything you could think of to get me drunk on my birthday, and for two years you've failed. Isn't that enough?"

His eyes gleamed with sudden and rather disquieting triumph. "This year's different, Hakkai. 'Cause I got you a damn sweet birthday present." And then, with a flourish, he produced a large, green bottle from inside his jacket, and thrust it toward me. "Tah-dah."

Reluctantly, I took it and looked it over. "Absinthe Verte." I sighed and shut my eyes for a long moment. "Please tell me this is a joke."

"Nope. Happy birthday!"

I opened my eyes again to give him an equally long, disapproving look. "Do you have any idea what this even is?"

"Some western, import thing, right? Cost me an arm and a leg. Check it out though—I've heard it's bad ass: seventy-five percent alcohol. I heard it makes you hallucinate, and all kinds of crazy shit—it's gotta get even you fucked up."

It was very difficult now to keep my frustration to myself, and I knew that meant I absolutely had to remain calm. Still, I rubbed my forehead wearily. Of all the idiotic…

Forcing a smile to my face, I reminded him, "Oh, but I was so looking forward to the new rice cooker and gardening tools I requested. Weeks ago. When you came hounding me about what I wanted."

"What, you scared you might actually get drunk?"

I hesitated to look the bottle over again. It seemed common enough, with its French label and its thick glass. The graphic of a naked fairy woman winked back at me, simultaneously coquettish and risqué. Still, it had been rumored to drive men mad, back in the day, and I couldn't deny its potency.

"Not at all." I handed it back to him, abruptly, and I could feel the smile threatening to fall jaggedly from my face and collapse into a frown. "I just think this is more along the lines of something you would want for your birthday. So you may as well keep it, and save me some outrageous amount of money."

Gojyo looked a bit put-off at being so utterly denied. "Oh, come on, really? You're not even going to have like a shot of it."

"You don't shotgun absinthe, Gojyo, and no, frankly, I'm not interested." I said the words, but I couldn't deny I was curious. If nothing else, it was something I'd never tried before.

"That really hurts, man. I spent a lot of money on this."

I shot him a sharp look. "Don't try to guilt trip me. It's not my fault you didn't listen, or that you spent too much money."

Looking half-way to devilish, he smiled again. "Admit it, you're scared. You haven't been drunk in years, and you don't remember what it's like, so you're freaked out to try this really cool, foreign, green shit."

At that, I couldn't help rolling my eyes. Here I'd always thought that someone who purchased a bottle of absinthe would be cultured and sophisticated.

"Well, you don't want any. Fine. I get it. I'd be scared too if I was turning twenty-two and I hadn't been drunk in years. But I'm not wasting my money."

My stomach tightened with outrage at the sound of his obnoxious tone. That was the voice he always used when he wanted to peer-pressure me, and I hated it, because I could never quite predict whether I was going to give in before he did or not.

For one thing, in the face of my birthday, with memories of Kanan lingering in my head more tangible than usual, I couldn't deny abandoning myself to the recklessness of intoxication sounded inviting.

That was certainly a bad reason to get drunk, so I did my best to stay strong, and I tried not to sound too irritated. "I'm not scared, Gojyo. Not for myself, at least. Though I am a bit nervous about what the notorious green fairy might do to you."

"Let's find out." Before I could think to stop him, he was popping the bottle open, tilting it back to take a swig.

My eyes nearly fell out of their sockets. "Gojyo."

He made a face. "Tastes weird."

"You aren't supposed to drink it like that."

"Who says?"

"No one. Just culture."

"You can though, right?"
"You can, yes. But it's not exactly the right way."

He shrugged. "There's no wrong way to get smashed. C'mon, man." He offered me the bottle. "Just live a little."

I glared at the bottle, and the flirtatious fairy simpered back at me. Her eyes were green, like Kanan's.

Sighing, I took the bottle from his hand and sat down at the table. "I need water, sugar, and an absinthe spoon. Not to mention an appropriate glass."

From the grin on his face I could tell he was trying very hard not to gloat about his victory. "What'dya wanna wreck it for?"

"That's the right way to drink it."

"Yeah, if you're Earnest Hemmingway, or whoever."

I raised an eyebrow at him in surprise.

His shot up as well. "What?"

"I'm surprised you know who that is."

Gojyo laughed, "I don't!"

Sighing, I turned the bottle around on the table in front of me, trying to make sense of the French words, but that wasn't a language I was familiar with, and I could only make out a handful of them. Of course, the recipe for Hemmingway's notorious death in the afternoon was on there, but we had no champagne either.

"C'mon, Hakkai." Gojyo slammed me on the shoulder. "Let's get the knot out of your panties—just for tonight."

"On your birthday," I muttered, "we're going to do what I want to do."

And then I tossed the bottle back.

I stared up at the clock, and its blurry face stared back at me. I blinked, trying to make sense of the time. Next, I stared down at the absinthe bottle, where the green fairy seemed to dance, even though I had thought Gojyo tore the label off long ago. When I studied the fridge, I saw it tacked up there, swaying in a graceful rhythm. Our absinthe was more than halfway gone, but I couldn't account for where it had disappeared to. I looked up at the clock again, watching the minute hand go around, seemingly backwards.

"Dude," Gojyo called. "What's up?"

Slowly, I turned to him. There were two of him now, and I didn't know if I liked that. Two Gojyo's meant twice as much mess and twice as much chaos.

"Is it really almost eleven?"

He twisted around in his chair to face the clock as well. "Tha's what it says. Hey, you were tellin' me somethin'."

"Where on earth did the last six hours go?" I gazed down at the bottle between us again, scowling at the green fairy, and she beamed, as if she knew where the time and the drink had gotten to, but wouldn't tell. I still couldn't understand how she could be in two places at once.

"We've been sittin' right here." Gojyo leaned back in his chair, blowing smoke rings. "What were you tellin' me?"

"Oh…" I did my best to wade back through my thoughts, but they seemed hazier than usual. "I was telling you about my eighteenth birthday, when Kanan and I went to the… Where did we go?"

"Some museum."

"Ah, yes, the museum." When I thought back, I could picture that day easily—late September, and the leaves were changing, blowing across the streets of the city. There'd been a distinct scent of fall in the air, and the wind had whipped Kanan's loose hair. She'd worn her prettiest dress, and I could almost remember the warmth of her hand in mine. "It was the science museum, if I'm not mistaken. We had lunch in the food court there, and then we spent the whole day getting lost in the exhibits. I remember she really enjoyed the animal displays…especially the foreign ones, like the African ones. Do you know how dangerous the hippopotamus is? It's possibly the most dangerous animal in the world. Fortunately, we don't have them here. Of course we have plenty of creatures that are terribly dangerous as well. Animals are strange. You know, I think the ones who don't kill for food—take the moose, for example—are particularly deadly, because when they take it into their head to attack you it isn't because they're hungry. A hungry predator might let you go simply because it's recently made a separate kill, but things like moose and hippos must have some entirely different reason for attacking human beings. It seems they're simply irascible. If you encounter one, you have such a likelihood of being killed for no particular reason. And on the other hand, there are so many animals that are willing to cooperate with man—such as the Indian elephant, or the camels of the Sahara, and God I'm talking a lot, aren't I? Why am I telling you any of this?"

Gojyo burst out laughing. He laughed so hard I worried he'd fall out of his chair. "Damn, dude, I don' remember! I think I asked ya what your best birthday ever was."

"Oh, that's right. Well, in any case, it was the day at the museum with Kanan. She treated me, of course—she was quite a lady when it came to things like that—she even paid for my lunch and for ice cream from the stand outside. She was a true lady."

Picturing Kanan standing out in front of the marvelous museum, indelicately licking a strawberry ice cream cone while the wind tossed her hair and skirt around, made my small heart ache unbearably. I downed another large gulp of absinthe and then blinked at Gojyo. "What about you?"

"Me?" he echoed, sounding caught off guard.

"Yes. What was the best birthday you ever had?"

He chuckled, starting a new cigarette. "Hakkai, ya don' even wanna know 'bout that. There's a ton of sex in that story."

"And that's what made it the best? Obscene amounts of sex?"

"Unprotected sex," he added, smirking at me.

"That's gross," I decided, taking another swig of absinthe. It really did taste terrible. I looked around, not for the first time, trying to think of some way to improvise the sugar water I would need to make it right. "This is terrible, don't you agree? This must be one of the top five most disgusting things I've ever put in my mouth."

Gojyo grinned, leaning closer, eyes gleaming with intoxication and cheekiness. "Tell me what the other four are."

"None of them are what you're thinking of."

He fell back at once, laughing harder than ever. "Hakkai! Shit, man, I wasn't thinkin' 'bout dick! Fuck, you're nasty!"

"I said that's not it." I frowned at him. "You really can't listen worth a damn."

Ignoring me, he took the bottle so he could have a swig of his own. "For not likin' it, you're sure drinkin' a lotta it."

"We're sharing," I reminded him. "That's part of sharing. I drink half, and you drink half. Isn't that the unspoken arrangement here? If I let you drink any more than that I'll likely be planning your funeral tomorrow. Though, I suppose planning your funeral will become inevitable, eventually. You act as if you're determined to drink—or smoke—yourself to an early grave. At the rate you're going, it can't be too much longer now. That's not especially fair, by the way, expecting me to plan your funeral after this lifetime of irresponsibility. If you were really my friend you'd at least attempt to restrain yourself, considering I've seen more than enough death already."

Gojyo shook his head. "You are talkin' a lot. Is it hittin' you?"

"No," I lied. "I'm bored. We should go somewhere."

His eyes widened. "You wanna go somewhere? At 'leven 'clock at night?"

"What difference does the time make?" I wondered, getting up and walking very steadily to the coat closet to retrieve my jacket. "It's the weekend, and it's my birthday."

"I thought ya wanted ta stay here."

"Staying here is useless now that you've gotten me… That is, now that I've wasted so much time drinking with you. We may as well go out and see what goes on around here on a Friday night."

"See?" A grin slipped slowly across his lips. "I knew you're my age too. I fuckin' knew it."

Side by side, we clipped through the busy town, surrounded by people—old and young—bustling down the streets, chattering and laughing. Lights flashed and music blared, but I spent most of the walk paying close attention to each and every step I took so I wouldn't as much as stumble, while Gojyo half-swaggered half-staggered next to me, and by the time I started to notice our surroundings again we'd reached downtown, where the noise and excitement was at its peak.

"No fighting," I told Gojyo. "One thing I will absolutely not do on my birthday is break up a fist fight between you and some drunkard—not like last year. Last year, it seemed I was fishing you out of a fight every five minutes. I'm not doing that again. I will stand by and watch as you get your ass handed to you if I must, and I'll even drag you to the emergency room if I have to, but I'm not stepping between you and someone else's fist when you try to pick up someone else's woman. I don't think that's unreasonable, do you? I wouldn't expect you to do it on your birthday. All I'm asking for is a little common courtesy."

Instead of answering, he wondered, "Wha's with the swearing? You never swear.'

It must be because of the absinthe, I realized, but I wasn't about to tell him that, so I said, "It bothers me that you didn't answer me."

"Duh. 'Course, not gonna pick fights on your birthday. 'Kay? Chill, Kai."

I studied him. He didn't seem all that drunk yet. Yes, he was slurring his words and walking unsteadily, and he had that unquestionably altered look in his eyes, but he wasn't falling-down-stupid like I'd expected him to be, which made me question, again, where all the absinthe had gone. There was only a quarter of it left, and I couldn't remember if I'd passed it to him even once on our way into town.

I hoisted it over my head suddenly to inspect the bottom, thinking there could be a leak. "Where is all this devil's piss going?"

Gojyo paused to wrinkle his forehead at me in consternation. "Devil's piss…"

"The absinthe, Gojyo."

"I know. Jus' not used ta hearin' you talk like that. Uhh. What'dya mean? Where's it goin'… We've been drinkin' it."

"Yeah, but…" I paused and started over. "Yes, but I mean… You're drinking it too, aren't you?"

"We're sharing," he told me, mimicking my voice and tone. "That's part of sharing. See? I listen."

"You're insufferable," I grumbled.

"I'm tryin' ta drink it, but you're bogarding it, man. I dunno where it went. I think ya drank a bunch of it."

"Here." I handed it to him suddenly and tucked my hands in my pockets. It was a cold night, and I wished I'd brought my scarf. "I don't want any more."

Dutifully, Gojyo took a sip and wiped his lips on his sleeve.

Immediately, I snagged it back from him. "Never mind. I just remembered—if you drink too much of this you'll ruin my birthday, if you don't just die."

We popped into a club of Gojyo's choosing. I was so intent on keeping myself under control—watching the way I walked and spoke and moved—I didn't even notice the name of the place, and the next thing I knew I was standing against the bar, shoulder to shoulder with a sea of strangers, the low lights making every face mysterious, and the music was so loud I had to shout at the bartender to order a martini.

"Dirty!" I screamed at him, as he cupped one hand around his ear. "Very dirty!" I jerked my thumb at Gojyo. "He's just having water!"

Gojyo rammed me with his shoulder, very nearly knocking me off-balance, and growled, "Don't order for me, dick head!"

I received my martini and turned to look around the club, desperate for a place to sit, but there didn't appear to be any chairs at all—it was just a massive dance floor, wall to wall with people grinding against one another.

"Why are we here?" I demanded.

Gojyo looked coolly at me through the haze of his cigarette smoke. "Ya wanted ta go out!"

"Yes, but why here? You know I'm not overly fond of places like this!"

"I was just cold! What did'ja want? The library?"

I glared at him. "Why are you fighting with me?"

"I'm not fighting with you, Hakkai! Drink your fuckin' martini an' chill the fuck out!"

Scowling, I sipped my beverage. I didn't see how I could chill out at all with all the people jostling against me and screaming in my ear, and the god-awful music blaring, and the flashing lights threatening to send me into a seizure, and Gojyo being difficult.

Gojyo hooked his arm roughly around my neck. "Dude! Quit frownin' like that! You're gonna scare all the chicks away!"

"Is that why we're here? To pick up women!"

"No! I'm teasing you! Chill!"

Before I could make my response, a woman crawled out of the crowd on the other side of me. She took a moment to hitch up her halter, seeing how she was just about to fall out of it—in fact it appeared to be a size too small—and then she smiled up at me with her ice-white lip piercing and glitter-coated eyelashes. "Hey, there!"

Immediately, Gojyo took his arm off me and turned away, engaging in conversation with the patron next to him, abandoning me in yet another awkward social situation.

"Hello," I said back.

The woman proceeded to dance next to me, bumping her broad hips against me and pressing in close. "What's you're name?" she shouted to be heard over the music.

"Gonou—Hakkai! Cho Hakkai!"

That was my name. I'd picked it. Where on earth did I even get it? Destruction, that was me.

"Hakkai." She giggled. "I like it! Do you wanna dance?"

I shook my head. "No, thank you!"

"Oh, c'mon!" She attached herself to my arm, fingers gliding up my bicep to my shoulder. "Don't be shy! Dance with me!"

"I don't dance!"

"Sure you do!" She slammed lightly against me, kinetic energy forcing me to sway in what was almost a rhythm.

"No, really! I don't! It's flattering," I forced myself to add. "Very flattering! But no!"

She pretended to pout, but her eyes were bright with a hidden smile. "Buy me a drink then!"

"I'm afraid I don't—"

A hulking man emerged from the crowd and stood behind her, bald head looking particularly shiny in the odd light. He had a huge septum piercing and his disgustingly long beard was damp from drinking. He glared down at me, booming, "What're you up to, punk-ass? Tryin' ta steal my girl?"

"No, I—"

She turned to him. "Oh! Don't be such a Neanderthal! I was just talking to the guy!"

"Looks like he's tryin' ta pick you up!" he growled, moving in closer to tower over me. "Right, you little shit? Pickin' up on my girl!?"

"As I said, no, I was just—"

"Smart ass son'vabitch!" One meaty hand snagged the front of my shirt, dragging me forward, while the other bunched up and cocked back for a strike.

I dropped my martini, ready to rip his arm off. My reflexes though. They weren't as quick as—

His fist smashed into my face, knocking me back, and the next thing I knew I was slumped against Gojyo, staring up into his screaming face.

"Hakkai!"

I felt him holding me up, but I couldn't make myself move for a few seconds. I counted them.

One, two, three…

Gojyo's eyes flashed and turned dark. He heaved me to the side.

I made a grab at him. His slick jacket slipped through my fingers as he darted forward.

Disbelievingly, I watched him knock the huge man's block off. The brute fell over backward and vanished into the crowd, likely out cold on impact. His girlfriend screamed. The crowd gasped, and everyone around us fell silent. Several more men surged forward—they were dressed as bouncers.

I got shuffled to the side all too easily and lost sight of my roommate in the chaos.

Someone gripped my arm. A concerned but unfamiliar face stared at me, yelling, "You okay?"

I pulled loose and stumbled away, looking around as if I was lost. I felt blood trickling down from my nose.

What the hell just happened?

My heart started to race. The crowd was in a frenzy, shoving against each other and screaming, running away and moving in closer, rolling back and forth like tides at the ocean, pushing me out and threatening to drag me back in.

When I finally had my senses again and was just beginning to charge forward to find him, Gojyo burst out from between the wall of people and grabbed me, shoving me ahead of him through the crowd. "Go, go, go!"

I heard tremulous voices cracking over the general din. Faces appeared in front of me, staring wide-eyed with gaping mouths, and then disappeared again as I was pushed past them.

Gojyo propelled me through the exit, out into the dark cold, and I nearly tripped down the stairs. Before I could right myself, he snatched the lapel of my jacket and dragged me around the corner, slamming me against the wall.

Face full of shock and looking pale in the shadows, he stared at me, cigarette busted in half and hanging from his mouth. I felt him grip both my shoulders. "Hey, you okay?"

Jerking away from him and cupping my bloody nose, I turned my back to him. Blood spattered the front of my sweater. I realized I was shaking and breathing hard, but I couldn't understand what happened. I'd just watched that half-wit punch me in the face. How?

A voice bellowed through the quiet, "Don't come back, if you know what's good for you! Fucking gutter trash!"

"Shit." Gojyo bumped me with his shoulder. "Let's get outta here."

Taking hold of me again, he led me several blocks away, to a less crowded part of the street, and then paused in an alleyway. "Are you okay?" he asked again.

I stared down at the puddle of blood in my palm. "That…miscreant hit me…"

"I saw…" He popped a new cigarette in his mouth and chewed anxiously on it. "Are you all right?"

Suddenly, I turned on him, shouting, "This is all your fault, Gojyo! I told you I didn't want to be in there!"

"Hey, I didn't know somebody was gonna—"

"No! But you knew I just wanted to stay home tonight! You knew I didn't want to drink absinthe and go to a club and get hit on by STD-infested women! You know that's what you want to do—not me! You're so incredibly selfish!"

"Hakkai, woah!" He raised his hands. "I—"

"What's wrong with you?" I insisted. "You just had to know what I wanted for my birthday! I told you again and again I didn't want anything from you, but you kept pushing and pushing, and then when the actual event arrives I find you didn't get me any of the things I asked for! You give me a bottle of alcohol I never wanted and a bloody nose from a bar fight in a club I didn't care to go into! Why?"

"Hakkai—"

"No excuses, dammit! I understand why you don't listen to me when I ask you to do something—you're lazy and immature and stubborn—but why do you just ignore me when I ask you not to do something? Is this funny to you?" I wiped my bleeding nose, suddenly feeling like I just wanted to cry. "Did you just want a laugh at my expense?"

He stared at me for such a long time I felt sure he wouldn't have anything to say at all. I felt sure he'd simply turn around and walk away without a single word.

Instead, he gave a heavy sigh, reached up to unwind the bandana from his forehead, and pinched it to my nose, too quickly for me to stop him, and so gently it didn't even hurt. He tapped his head against mine. "Sorry," he husked. "I don't have an 'cuse, Sunshine. But I'm sorry."

Slowly, I took the bandana from him, applying pressure to the bridge of my nose. It smelled like sweat and cigarettes.

Suddenly, my head felt light, and everything seemed to spin. I leaned back against the cold wall, murmuring, "Why…does everyone think I can get you to do whatever I want? You're the one who convinces me to do all sorts of things I don't want to do."

"I know," he said quietly, lowering his eyes in guilt. "I'ma jerk."

My best friend, who'd just demolished a man nearly twice his size like a wrecking ball against a building, for my sake, and who'd given me an article of his own clothing to stop the bleeding of my injury, was not a jerk. He was a lot of things, but that wasn't one of them.

I threw my arms around him suddenly, pressing my bleeding face to his shoulder, and he held me up easily, while the world spun around and around. My stomach turned, and my knees buckled with weakness, and he'd never seemed so strong before. "I…miss Kanan…" I grated out, eyes stinging. "Even after all this time…"

Gojyo squeezed me carefully. "I know, Hakkai."

"But I…I would never give you up…"

"Okay. I'd never give ya up either."

Biting back tears, I held onto him all the tighter, and he let me.

After a few moments, he said, "So…this's what you're like when you're drunk…"

"I'm not drunk," I argued into his collar. "I'm just a little…"

"You're drunk, Hakkai. Ya drank most that bottle by yourself. I mean, you ain't human an'more, but you ain't a machine…"

"I've drank much more than that in one sitting."

"Yeah. Like I said though, that shit isn't like normal booze. Give yourself a break for once."

"Fine." I snorted, standing up again, and the spinning worsened. "I'm drunk. You succeeded. I hope that makes you happy."

"Not really. I didn't know it was gonna be sucha shit storm. Shoulda known…" He gave a sad, wry, little smirk. "You're a damn mess."

Slowly, I looked away, watching the people passing on the street. Some of them gave us strange glances, but they continued to shuffle by, as they always had, not caring about the two of us. "I never thought I would be. I thought I'd be so much more than this."

"There's nothin' wrong with you, okay? It's just that ev'rybody can only take so much. An' you took a lot, Hakkai. That's all it is."

I faced him. "How much more can you take?"

His already serious expression darkened a shade. "Not much, lemme tell ya."

"I've always assumed I'd be in a padded room if I were you."

Gojyo rolled his eyes. "It wasn't that bad."

"It was though. You—"

"I'm hungry," he cut in. "Let's go get breakfast."

I let him guide me out onto the road again, absently dabbing at my nose. "It's not time yet for breakfast."

"Nah, but that's what ya do when you're drunk—eat breakfast."

"That hardly makes sense."

All the same, we walked a few blocks to a twenty-four-hour diner, and by the time we reached a booth in the back corner of the building, we were both stumbling rather badly, and I felt sick to my stomach. I rested my spinning head in my hands while the waitress served us coffee, and Gojyo perused the menu.

"Why did you let me drink so much of that awful stuff by myself?" I demanded quietly.

Gojyo lit a cigarette and even ashed a few times before answering. "I was tryin' ta get ya drunk."

"That…is so…uncool of you…"

"Like I said, I di'nt know it was gonna be like this. I just wanted ya ta forget 'bout it for a coupla hours… All that nasty shit that happened."

"How gallant," I muttered dryly.

"Sorry. Really. If I knew you were gonna get all 'gressive—"

"I'm not aggressive."

"'Kai, you're 'gressive when you're sober. Ya just hide it. Ya hide all kindsa shit. If I knew ya were gonna be 'gressive, an' moody, an' sad I wouldnta done it."

I glared up at him. There was three of him now. "As you pointed out, I'm like that anyway."

Gojyo nodded, still skimming the menu. "I jus din't know, 'kay, dude? I wasn't tryin' ta…hurt you."

Of course I believed that. Gojyo would never try to hurt me intentionally.

"Well, please don't do this again. I don't like feeling this way."

His eyes flickered over the menu to meet my gaze. "I won't," he said flatly. "Drink your fuckin' coffee."

We ate our meals in relative quiet, and after I had some food in my stomach I did feel a bit better, so we struck out for home. The walk seemed to take twice as long as usual, and I had to try extra hard not to stagger as we went, so we spoke very little on the trip as well.

Back at the house, the lights were still on. Apparently I was intoxicated enough that I'd neglected to turn them off.

Inexcusable.

I dropped onto the couch, face first, trying to collect myself before going to bed. "When does the spinning stop?"

"Dunno. Whenever." He sat down on the floor, leaning back against the couch. "You gonna be okay?"

"Presumably."

"I'm really sorry, man. You've never been drunk like this before, huh?"

"Not exactly, no."

Gojyo sighed. "Guess I fucked up your birthday—again."

"Your intentions weren't altogether horrible."

"Right… Well, no worries. I won't tell an'body I saw ya drunk. We can just pretend this din't happen."

"That would be nice, Gojyo."

We fell silent again. I tried to focus on sleeping. To hell with shambling my way to bed—I was going to sleep right where I was, with my clothes still on, just like he did all the time.

When I'd nearly dozed off, Gojyo hissed, "Hey, 'Kai. You 'wake?"

"Mmhm."

"Can I tell ya something?"

"Mm. Sure. Why the hell not?"

"I lied to ya earlier…'bout the best birthday I ever had."

"Oh?"

"Not 'cause it was the wrong birthday… It was still that one—with all the nasty sex."

"I see."

"I lied 'bout the reason."

"Ah."

"The real reason…" He took another pause, and I detected familiar insecurity in his tone. "Is 'cause…when I fin'ly dragged my ass home after all that, super fucked up, feelin' like a pieca shit, you were there. Ya came to find me. Remember?"

"I remember I made plans to have dinner with you and you broke them. I went out looking for you so I could give you a piece of my mind."

Briefly, he chuckled. "Yeah. That. We jus' met right? Ya din't know what a fuck job I am yet."

"Goj," I sighed. "You're not—"

"It was shitty. An' t'night's shitty. I always do shitty stuff. That ain't the point. The point is, when ya saw how blasted I was ya din't yell at me for ditchin' you. Ya took care of me. Ya din't even make me say sorry. Ya made me feel like I mattered. And…I dunno… Havin' all that, for the first time ever, meant a lot to me."

I opened my eyes finally to look at him, and he half turned his head to look back from the corner of his eye.

Quietly, he added, "I always wished I could do somethin' that awesome for you…but I know I can't."

"Gojyo," I shut my eyes again, putting my arm around his neck. "Shut up. You do that for me all the time."