AN: FYI I am not against imprinting or anything like that. I just like to use it as a device for creating humor in this little one-shot. No harm done right? It's written completely using dialogue which normally I find terrible and bad writing, but whatever I did it anyway and I think it makes everything more fun hehe. This story is complete, utter Crack soo don't expect anyone to be in character or anything canon like that ;) Just some good clean fun that may make you laugh. Or make you think I'm just really weird XD

ENJOY!

The Joy of Imprinting

"Hey Quil!"

"Hey Embry!"

"Wana hangout?"

"Can't. I have a hot date with Claire tonight."

"Quil she's 8 years old…"

"I know silly. We're going to the indoor pool so I figure it'll probably be hot in there. Y'know temperature-wise."

"Oookay. Whatever you say bro."

"Well I better get going. Claire has a 7 pm curfew tonight!"

"Tell the little munchkin hello from Uncle Embry."

"Will do. Peace."

"Ciao."

3 hours later…

Ringtone: *Who let the dogs out who who whooo who let the dogs out who who who…*

"Hello?"

"QUIL! OMG OMG OMG QUIL!"

"Embry? Is that you?"

"fhkdjtroeiranlfkdlarsd."

"I don't speak that language Embry…now why are you calling me during my date with Claire-bear?"

"Ahh Ahh Ahh Ahh my head is going to explode! Help meeee!"

"Did you miss another Bed Bath and Beyond sale? Because as Triple Diamond Shopper's Club members we were supposed to get a fucking email in advance this time…"

"No it's not that bad Quil."

"Pheww cuz I did NOT want to have another discussion with the manager there."

"Quil. FOCUS ON ME PLEASE!"

"Ok yea …wazzup my brotha from anotha wolf motha?"

"Quil I-I-I…"

"Claire you are just too fucking cute. Embry she's doing that thing where she picks her nose and then tries to get me to eat it. Aww so adorable clairey-bearryyy."

"OMFG QUIL! If you don't listen to me I will DIE."

"Okay okay. Pinky-paw-promise I am listening."

"Quil I imprinted."

"Hiya Uncle Embry this is Claire! Let's play dolls!"

"…"

"Oh you're just soo silly Claire! Embry I'm back. What it do playa?"

"…"

"Embry? Helloooo?"

*cough..cough…gasp..sputter*

"Embry! What is goin on over there?"

*cough…CRASH…BAM*

*cough coughhity cough cough* "AHHH I almost succeeded in hanging myself just now. I hope you're happy!"

"Oh no Embry what the—wait why did you fail though?"

"Apparently my body weighs more than your leather belt from Express. Oops."

"WHAT THE FUCK EMBRY! I searched forever to find that burnt mahogany color!"

"That's what you get for breaking a fucking pinky-paw-promise!"

"I guess we're even then huh?"

"Okay glad we're still BFFs times a million."

"Anywho what did you need to tell me again?"

"Oh. Well…."

"Why are you hyperventilating?"

"I just ran a mile?"

"Lies."

"Okay fine. I imprinted. I fucking imprinted. And I-I-I just want to DIEEEE!"

"Aww Embrycrumblecakes don't cry."

"But it's so wrong Quilllll."

"No no no I swear once you're reunited with your imprint you'll feel great!"

"But Quil you don't understand…"

"Embry this is a dream come true! Now we can be BFFs and Imprint Buddies!"

"No Quil. I can't ever be with my Imprint. It's just not normal I tell you!"

"Geeze man you need to get over this anti-imprint rage you've been harboring for years. Imprinting is straight up the most amazing thing in the universe."

"No no no..not listening…"

"EMBRY."

"This is the song that never ends…it just goes on and on my friends..some people started…"

"Don't you dare sing-ignore me!"

*Sigh* "Quil, I can't do it. I just can't." *sob*

"This is what you're gonna do. You're gonna go find you imprint, tell her you love her and live happily ever after, OKAY?"

"But…"

"Nope. That's an order soldier! Now go forth and prosper!"

"Well if you say so Quillykins! Why the hell not?"

"That's the spirit buddy! Now I'm gonna go buy Claire some nachos and let her braid my hair. Much love xoxox."

"Kisses. Buhbye!"

1 hour later

*Who let the dogs out who who who whooo*

"Hey there ho there how do ya do?"

"Quil! What the fuck did you tell Embry to do?"

"Jake? Oh hey brotha what's happening!"

"Explain the Embry situation. NOW."

"Oh Embry, Miss Drama Queen." *sigh* "He imprinted and then freaked out until I talked some sense into him."

"What did you say to him exactly?"

"I told him to get out there and claim his imprint! You can thank me now."

"Thank you? Thank you? I am going to fucking KILL YOU."

"Well that was a bit harsh."

"No. Harsh is when I tear you apart limb by limb."

"Claire-bear isn't gonna like that Jake and she's at a very emotional time right now so you need to think about her feelings before you just go and…"

"Can you stop being fucking Mr. Rogers for 5 seconds?"

"Woah now. I like to think I'm more like the cool, hip Billy Ray Cyrus father-figure in the Hannah Montana show."

"That's it. I'm done. No more wolf-pack. No more fucking Imprint drama. I am SO DONE."

"You mean for the day? Like a siesta?"

"…"

"Jake?"

"…"

"I love you?"

"…"

"Don't be such a sourpatch kid about all this."

"Okay this is it. I'm telling you what needs to be said and then I'm leaving it in your hands."

"Okey dokey."

"Embry imprinted on Miss Hattie."

"Wait…no no no…this-this can't be happening…"

"It's happening. It already happened."

"But Miss Hattie belongs to ME!"

"You told him to go for it Quil, remember?"

"WHY GOD WHY?"

"I know. It's completely wrong and I don't know how it's even possible."

"I should have never taken her out of storage!"

"Quil…really it's just a stuffed animal."

"Just a stuffed animal? How dare you! Miss Hattie is like family to me!"

"Calm down."

"But-but-but I've had her since I was six years old…"

"Don't you dare cry."

"Can you imagine how Miss Hattie feels about this?"

"Don't you think you should be more worried about the fact that Embry imprinted on an inanimate object rather than the emotions of a fucking stuffed pig?"

"OH GOD. OH GOD. THIS IS A DISASTER."

"Quil? What is that sound?"

"I'm going to Embry's!"

"Quil NO. Don't do that. You won't like what you find…"

"I can't just leave Miss Hattie alone with him!"

"QUIL!"

"…"

"Answer me!"

"…"

"Well shit."

10 minutes later

"EMBRY!"

"Quil! Look how happy we are together! Say hello now Miss Hattie."

"What have you done to her? She never wears hats!"

"Oh don't be silly Quil, she loves this bonnet. Don't you Miss Hattie?"

"Embry how could you?"

"Quil be a dear and fetch us some snacks please. You know how fussy she gets when she's hungry."

"I want to die…I want to die…"

"Oh stop it Miss Hattie, Quil's here we can't do that…" *hehehe*

*sob*

"Look at Quil's tears of joy Miss Hattie! He's so happy for us!"

"Dear God why?"

"Do you think we should tell him Miss Hattie? Or is it too soon? Oh alright I'll do it."

"Stop stroking her Embry please stop please please please for the love of god stop."

"I know it's sudden Quil but we wanted you to be the very first to know the news…Miss Hattie and I are getting married!"

*sob sob sob*

"Isn't imprinting a joy darling?"

*sob sob sob*

"I love you too Miss Hattie."

THE END

AN: Um yay? I don't really have an explanation for this story. Just wrote it down one night at 4 am. The next day I read it and laughed. So maybe some of you guys laughed too?

Review and get a kiss from Quillykins or Embrycrumblecakes…your choice of course ;)