Over My Head (My Confessions)

Tagline: Everyone knows I'm in over my head and I don't know what to do to but to give my confessions.

Summary: When the pressures of being unable to conceive slowly derails their relationship, Arizona chooses to take a break. She heads to Africa to work as a missionary, saving lives of the tiny humans. Yet, little to every one's knowledge, including her own, she takes a little something of Callie's with her. Now seven months later, Callie's world is turned upside down by the arrival of her ex-girlfriend and the tiny human growing inside of her. Can Callie find forgiveness for the mother of her child? Or is it simply too late?

Warning: AU Season 7

Pairing: Callie/Arizona.

Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

Author's Note: So, it's finally here. This is my baby, and I've never been so emotionally invested in a story before. We've laughed together and we've cried together. This has became so much more than just a story to me and I hope you find your own feelings for this writing. You can find a link for the phenomenal banner in my profile.

Chapter One

Wednesday nights are always the slowest at Joe's bar, Callie makes this observation as she shifts her weight on the poorly positioned stool. Her body is hunched over the slightly sticky island, her long fingertips trace the top of the shot glass positioned in front of her. It has become more of a ritual for her now, a daily routine, to be here, at Joe's, alone. She bites absently on her bottom lip as her thumb traces the rim of the shot glass, staring down into what is her fourth... or is it fifth? Hell, she doesn't even remember at this point, shot of tequila. It is not like it matters; it is not like she will be cutting into someone's body tomorrow for some life or death procedure. No, she rolls her eyes inwardly, everyone is making damn sure that she does no strenuous work and that her hands are not divulged in someone's body cavity for a stressful surgery for long periods of time. They think she is unstable, that she is on the edge, and maybe she is. Maybe they all know her better than she knows herself because, fuck, she doesn't even know who she is these days. Because the person that she thought she was, the person that she wants to be, would have never let any of this happen.

She feels like a ghost most days; moving through the motions, through the conversations and the gestures, faking the emotions to make others happy. After all, there is that saying Fake it till you make it. But Callie isn't so sure she believes that, at least, not anymore, because she has been faking far too long to still be feeling like this. She feels like a stranger in her own body; an outsider, a ghost watching life evolve and move on around her while leaving her behind sitting still and pretty. It is almost as if she is lifeless now, like a zombie, watching her old life unfold in front of her eyes but unable to speak up, unable to make anything different, to make anything better, unable to live.

The scent of cigarette smoke used to remind her of her; it used to send her into a dangerous spiral into memory lane. It used to render her unable to breathe and break her heart in a thousand different pieces all over again, just the same as the day that it happened. The faint smell of tobacco and rebellion used to crush every dream that she ever had and kill her silently inside every time. But now, although unhealthy for her physical health, Calliope finds the scent of burning dried tobacco therapeutic. Relaxing. It may be the closest she has ever come to finding peace since the day that a piece of her soul came ripping out of her body.

She looks down at the alcoholic drink in her glass through her foggy eyes, licking her dry and slightly cracked lips. Sometimes she cannot help but wonder how she ended up here, how something that seemed so right could have went so wrong, so quickly, without her even noticing. She wonders if there could have been something she could have said, something she could have done, that would save herself from the aching pain that radiates to the core of everything that she has ever known.

She rakes her nails through her raven black curls, tugging at them slightly to create a physical pain that distracts her from the emotional pain. She has known hurt before in her life, her ex-husband cheated on her with his best friend, his model best friend, he never loved her even though she gave him every piece of her. Her first girlfriend disappeared in the parking lot of Seattle Grace, after accusing her of not being a good enough lesbian and for being angry that she defended one of Seattle Grace's own. Her father disowned her for being gay and cut her off from the rest of her family, even though she found herself deliriously happy for the first time in her life.

It is true that Calliope Torres has known pain before in her life.

But nothing in the world could ever compare to the pain that she feels right here, right now.

There is an ache in her body, a physical and emotional ache that, even after an infamous amount of drinks, is impossible to heal. There is a hole in her chest, a hole in her heart, that continuously allows her to bleed out every ounce of energy and feeling that she may ever have. There is emptiness in her life, something that makes her feel so alone, even when she is in a crowded room full of people who love and care for her.

She is a broken mess of the person that she used to be, she sighs as she downs the shot in a groan. She is shattered and broken and nothing will ever heal her from this pain; nothing, except for the one thing that she knows she has lost forever, the one thing that she never will have again.

"Hit me again, Joe," When she makes the demand, her own voice surprises her at how strange it sounds echoing from her chapped lips. It is raspy and hoarse, a whispering mumble of the strength that she once had. The hefty sized bartender approaches her, propping himself against the bar as he wipes his hands on the white towel that hangs on his left shoulder. For a moment, he says nothing; instead he only studies the ghost of the woman he had once known. A woman that had once marched into his bar with pride and confidence, a woman that had once danced with anyone who was willing and kissed a beautiful Pediatrics surgeon in his restroom. But that woman, much like the love she had shared with the Peds surgeon, is no longer here.

"It is getting pretty late, Doctor Torres. You should be heading home," Joe replies, looking out over the seemingly empty bar, only a few strays now linger behind in the usually packed place. Callie nods quietly to herself as she traces the rim of the glass with her index finger with a throaty chuckle that seems more taunting that humorous.

"Right. Home. Well, you see I would go home but there isn't anyone to go home to. There has not been anyone to come home to for a long time now. There is just silence in that apartment now and the silence is starting to drive me insane. I really don't want to go home and see all of her pictures… be reminded of what… I would much rather stay here if you don't mind. Besides, you could use the company, right?" Callie offers, glancing up from the dingy glass and Joe is haunted by the emptiness in her all too familiar eyes. He sighs; pulling the towel from his shoulder as he slowly begins to wipe down the bar in small, immaculate circles.

"You can stay but you have had enough to drink for one night," Joe instructs and Callie groans, shifting her weight on the unstable stool. She squints her eyes as she stares down at the glass that she pushes between her curled hands, chewing absently on the inside of her lip. She is a wretched mess of a dreamer, someone who is now living in the constant memories of the life she had once had and wondering how to get back to that point. How to become happy again.

"If I drink, I forget. Even if it is just for a few seconds…" She trails off with a brief laugh, looking up through her long eyelashes at the friendly bartender with a heavy, disheartening sigh.

"Do you know what it is like? To be in a place where you are constantly reminded of the one thing that you wished you could just forget? I want to forget the way her voice sounds, the way that she looked when she first woke up in the morning, the way that her skin felt against mine. I want to forget the way that I felt wrapped in her arms or the way that my heart skipped a beat when she called me Calliope. I want to forget the way she tastes, the way she feels, the way she sounds, the way she made me feel. I want to forget… everything. But I can't. I can't forget because she is everywhere. So, when I drink, it makes me forget. Even if just for a brief second, I forget the way her eyes sparkled and how her smiles felt like magic. And I feel… whole again. Just for a moment. Please Joe, just let me forget," Callie pleads, the tears crowding within her eyes but she is not strong enough to fight them away, not any longer. Joe looks at her with the saddest eyes, stopping his cleaning as he takes both of her hands within his own.

"Drinking is not going to bring Arizona back, Callie," Joe states, softly holding her hands and to this, Calliope nods weakly with a hard sniffle. For a moment, no words are said because no words are needed. In the back of her mind, she knows that he is right because no amount of alcohol is going to change the situation; no amount of tequila is going to fix the damage that has already been done or take back the words that should have been spoken aloud.

"I know. But I wish it could," whispers Callie faintly. Joe squeezes her hand in comfort before he turns them free, returning to his work on cleaning the bar. Callie sighs, pushing herself up from the poorly assembled stool, her joints cracking at the forceful movement as she grabs her leather jacket from the stool beside of her. She looks around the empty, smoked filled bar as the absent tears threaten to stream down her cheeks and she, very shakily, inhales deeply. She whimpers quietly before she pushes herself, slightly staggering, forward feeling her heart crack a little deeper inside of her with every step.

Callie sits on the edge of the bed that she shares with her gorgeous, blond girlfriend; shaking her leg nervously as she fidgets with her intertwined hands. She gnaws on her bottom lip as she sighs desperately, glancing over at the stopwatch displayed on her phone. Only two more minutes. Two more minutes until she finds the answer that she has been looking for, the answer that will change her life forever. Two minutes, although only one hundred twenty seconds, is lasting forever for the Latina.

Something felt different today; a good different. She felt butterflies in her stomach, a radiating feel of happiness and giddiness although no good news had been provided to make her feel this way. She had felt nauseous as soon as she entered the cafeteria, even though she loves the smell of freshly made lasagna. Everything felt different. Amazingly so.

Two courses of failed IVF had taught her not to get her hopes up about things like this, except this is the third time. And the third time is the charm, or so she wants to believe. She feels different than all the times before, she feels pregnant.

"Calliope, are you here?" She can hear Arizona as she enters the apartment, shutting the door behind her. However, her eyes never leave the test as she continuously fidgets nervously, counting each minute, second, and millisecond until she gets the results of her long awaited test. This is going to be it; this is going to be the results that they both had been waiting for, the positive that makes all the uncomfortable treatments and the disappointments worth it.

"Are you okay? I paged for your consult on a case today and when you didn't reply I got worried. That is when Mark told me that you were not feeling well and the Chief told you to go home and get some rest. You could have told me that you were sick this morning and we could have stayed home together. I would have made you some of my famous Get Well Soup!" Arizona exclaims in a grunt, pulling off her shoes and behind the closed door, Callie wrinkles her nose. Yeah, that soup was the last thing that she needed today, especially when it looks like someone else has already eaten it for her.

"Calliope?"

Only one more minute, Callie sighs anxiously growing restless as she sways back and forth on the large bed. One more minute and she will finally know the truth, one more minute until all of her dreams are finally coming true.

"Calliope, answer me, please," Arizona exclaims knocking softly on the other side of the door and Callie scowls at her, rolling her eyes in annoyance.

Thirty more seconds.

"I grew up with the name Arizona, I do know how to fight dirty, you know? And if you do not answer me in the next thirty seconds, I will break this door down!" Arizona exclaims and Callie laughs quietly to herself as she glances down at the stopwatch.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

"Calliope Iphigenia Torres!"

Pregnant.

Calliope's heart swells when she reads the two syllable word as she squeals out in delight, clutching the plastic test tightly in her hand when suddenly the door cracks open. Her eyes dart to the doorway to find a disgruntled Arizona standing on the other side, clutching to her shoulder as she labors to catch her breath.

"Are you okay? Are you bleeding? Any broken bones? Any injuries I should know about?" Arizona asks, slowly entering the room and Callie shakes her head with a playful smile upon her lips.

"No."

"Good. Because I am going to kill you! You just gave me a heart attack! Do you even know what was going through in my head when you were not answering me? Huh? Especially when Mark told me that you were not feeling well? I thought that you… I thought… Calliope, this is so not funny! Stop smiling! Do you see me smiling?" Arizona scolds and the Latina laughs with a beaming grin as she slowly approaches the fuming blond.

"Arizona, I'm pregnant," Callie states and instantly Arizona freezes, looking at her with wide eyes.

"What?"

"I wasn't feeling too well today but I didn't want to say anything to you because I didn't want to worry you, especially if it turned out to be nothing. I felt different, I felt happiness and butterflies and I was nauseous and I'm-I'm late so I asked the Chief if I could have the afternoon off because I was getting sick and he told me that I could and I stopped by the pharmacy and bought a pregnancy test. I didn't want to say anything because I know the two other times weren't… but…I'm pregnant," Callie beams and Arizona's bright, dimpling grin spreads upon her lips.

"You're pregnant," She grins and Callie nods slowly through teary eyes.

"We are going to have a baby!" Callie squeals. Arizona squeals, jumping up and down before she pulls Calliope into a long, hard, smiling kiss. They are going to have a baby.

The hot, beaming sun of Africa pelts down in harsh rays on the blonde's fair and freckled skin as she takes in the sight around her. Africa is such a beautiful country, she sighs as she squints at the radiating sunlight; such beautiful mountains and the bluest skies that she has ever seen in her entire life. She did not think that she would like it here, being so opposite from Seattle but she found new meanings in the beauty of nature, she found purpose again in the smallest of things.

She watches as some of the people from the mission carry the load boxes into the car, along with her luggage. Watching as the young boys carry the blue luggage bags creates a soft crack in her heart; she hates leaving them so early, especially when so much work is still yet to be done on the Center and when so many tiny humans still need her magic touch. But she knows this is not where she belongs, another heart is calling her home. A place where she does belong, despite everything else that has happened in her life.

Arizona Robbins sighs in a quaint sadness; although she is eager to go home to Seattle, she hates leaving the Center behind. The place that has already helped hundreds of people who cannot afford proper health care, a place where she has already saved the lives of so many children that would no longer be alive if they had not created such a place. She knows that the Center will get along just fine without her, after all, they have plenty of top-notch doctors working there, but she still feels like she is abandoning so many others who could still use her help.

"Here," A voice calls out to her and she is slightly startled when a sun hat is placed atop of her burning blond hair. She turns to find Lucy, a fellow doctor, standing beside of her with a smile pressed upon her normally tightened lips. Dr. Lucy Fields, an OBGYN from Seattle, had become Arizona's closest friend while working at the Center and seeing her now just reminds the dimpling blond of a reason not to go.

"Would you stop looking so sad? Jeez. It is like we are shipping you off to war or something. You are going home, Arizona. You are so lucky; you get to go back and be in the air conditioning and have everything you want at your fingertips. You have done good here and now it is your time to get something good in return," Lucy smiles at her and Arizona nods, looking out over the sight in front of her, taking a moment to just simply breathe it all in. To mesmerize. To remember.

"I know. I know. But I just…I feel like I am abandoning the Center. There are so many kids here who still need my help and instead of sucking it up and putting my best face forward and giving them the help they need, I am leaving. I am going home to a place that doesn't necessarily want me because, what? Because I can't handle it?" Arizona exclaims with a wrinkled brow and Lucy laughs softly with a simple shake of her head.

"You have done all you can do in your condition…"

"Oh, don't say it like that. I'm not disabled, Lucy!" Arizona snaps and Lucy raises an eyebrow with a bitter laugh. Upon hearing the sharpness of her statement, Arizona instantly recoils with a soft blush as she fumbles with her hands awkwardly at her side, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that as harsh as it came out. It's just everyone has been treating me like I am about to break lately, like I am not the same Arizona Robbins that I was when I first arrived, like I am incapable of doing my job." She groans in annoyance as she rubs her forehead, feeling the burning of the skin almost automatically. Lucy nods in understanding before she lets out a careful but complacent sigh, stepping closer beside of her friend.

"No one said that you were not capable of doing your job, Dr. Robbins. You are the best Pediatric surgeon that I have ever seen and you have a way with these kids that make them worry less about their families and their futures and all the woes that trouble them. You are great and no-one can take that from you. But you have to realize that you are not just a Pediatric Surgeon anymore. You are more than that now and you have to take care of yourself and do what is best. And you know that staying here is not what you need. You need to be close to people who care about you and who love you; you need to be near a fully equipped top ranked hospital just in case of an emergency. You are going to take care of yourself and nobody is going to think any less of you for doing so," Lucy explains, placing her hand upon Arizona's forearm and the dimpling blond sighs softly.

"She doesn't know," mumbles Arizona.

"I know. But that does not mean she is not going to handle it. This is her future too and this affects her, whether the two of you are together or not. I know that you think that she doesn't love you anymore but you don't just throw away love like that because…"

"It has been seven months. And I am keeping the biggest secret of my life from her. Chances are she is not going to be very happy with me or want anything to do with me when I magically show up back in Seattle. You don't know her," Arizona sighs, fighting away the tears that are forming within her eyes. Lucy nods sympathetically, wishing that she could find the words that would make this better for her, the words that could heal the pain that she knows that she is feeling.

"You're right. I don't know her but I do know you. And I know that you are not going to give up on her without a fight. I mean, it has been seven months and you are still in love with her, even after all this time. And I know that she will not want to miss out on this," Lucy replies with a wave of her hands, gesturing toward Arizona and the dimpling blond laughs softly.

"Now, stop worrying so much and get in the car because you are going to miss your flight and none of us can handle McCranky much longer," Lucy demands and Arizona smiles, a bright dimpling grin as she pulls Lucy into a bone crushing hug. The OB squirms into the hug, trying desperately to get out of the embrace before she finally gives up and hugs the Peds surgeon back.

"Thank you for everything, Lucy. You are seriously the best," Arizona smiles and Lucy laughs, pulling away from the hug as she brushes her golden curl away from her face with a flick of her wrist. Although the two are completely different personality wise, they have found a profound friendship within one another; perhaps it had been their bonding over saving tiny lives that linked the two of them together so strongly. But throughout it all, Lucy Fields had been there for Arizona and vice versa and now that she is leaving, she hates to leave that friendship behind.

"I know I am. You take care of yourself, Robbins. And I better see pictures when that baby comes," Lucy states, placing her hands on Arizona's round stomach. Arizona looks down at her round stomach with a heavy sigh. There is a tiny human growing inside of her, a tiny human that looks for her for everything, for life and its nutrients needed for survival. A tiny human made out of the love she once shared with the gorgeous bad ass ortho surgeon she left in Seattle.

"Of course," Arizona smiles, placing a chaste kiss upon Lucy's cheek before she turns, heading to the car, breathing in deeply. She squints at the radiant sunlight, taking in the view one last time before turning back; smiling at Lucy with a tip of her hat and the other blond rolls her eyes with a laugh. She opens the car door as she slides inside, giving Africa one last look over before the car begins to pull out of the Center.

She is going finally going home.