Prologue

It's never an easy task trying to pick your-self up after a massive down fall. As humans it's almost part of our nature to stay down; the fear of falling is a fear like no other. Nothing compares to losing all sense of stability and having to force yourself to carry on even though more stumbling is to come along the way. The worst part is knowing that you're the only one to blame for the set back. It always hurts more when you're the reason behind all the pain.

Occasionally I walk around the park to prove to myself that there is life outside of these four walls. I glance at people as they pass me by and wonder what comes to mind when they see me. I was once even given a dollar by a young girl walking beside me. I didn't take it but forced out a smile as I wished her a good day, I would give anything just to be able to say I had a good day. I don't even remember what one feels like.

The closest I ever come to having a good day is when I force myself to go back. When I actually take the time to sit down and exert all of my memories into the present, only then can I potentially smile. I was given a glimpse of what could have been, only to never see it again.

I use to think that it was never a good thing to feel sorry for your-self. I believed that the moment you victimized yourself there was no way of ever making a recovery. I believed that you simply had to take what was in front of you and allow it to make you stronger, but I was foolish to ever think that. How can losing everything possibly make me stronger? I don't pity myself because I deserve my current state of being, but I don't have any hope that things will ever get better. I simply allow the days pass me by, until I am lucky enough to fall asleep here, and wake up next to her, where ever she is now.

Chapter 1

It had been a month since Quinn attended work. At first she told herself that she only needed a week off to clear her head, but soon that week turned to two, then to three, until she finally reached a month. She wanted to go back but couldn't find the energy or motivation to get back up. More than anything it was exhaustion that kept her away. You would think that a month away from work would allow her to rest, but it was actually quite the opposite.

While she was at home her mind was always occupied with memories of Rachel. Even at night when she tried to sleep she was forced to wake up from her dreams which involved Rachel. It was nearly impossible to escape her. The worst part was that after each dream she was forced to deal with the reality of their separation.

To make matters worse the dreams she had weren't recent ones; they dated back to when they first met. It made it harder to come back to reality when her dreams would take her way far back. It made her miss Rachel even more. Earlier that day her dreams took her to the first time they met back in 6th grade. Rachel was the new kid, and Quinn was the grumpy kid that didn't like to be bothered. It all felt so real, it was if she could actually hear Rachel's preteen voice which was so chirpy and high pitch. Even when the girl wasn't excited she would sound like she was.

She could still hear her trying to make conversation with her even after they were told to complete their assignment in silence. "So what are the things you're going to share with the class? I'm Rachel by the way, what's yours?" Quinn wasn't much of a talker and wasn't pleased with the fact that the new girl had to sit next to her. "The teacher said she didn't want us talking before we presented, so I can't tell you." Not getting the hint Rachel insisted on asking for her name again. "Oh that's right, I'm sorry. I just didn't know what to share so I wanted to get some ideas. What did you say your name was again?" Quinn didn't mean to come off as rude but she just told the girl her name before she continued to work in silence. "Quinn? That's a very pretty name! Do you know the meaning behind it?" Quinn just shook her head "I don't know my mom just got the name out of some old show she watched" Rachel was even more fascinated by that idea "Really that's awesome! So your name is like a soap opera name? I wish my name had a cool story. My dads just named me Rachel because they thought it was pretty, to be honest I prefer my middle name! Who wouldn't want the privilege of being named after the great Barbra Streisand?"
Before Quinn could respond the girls were interrupted when the teacher Ms. Ruby approached the front of the classroom to inform them that it was time for their presentations. She asked for volunteers, and Quinn was anything but surprised when Rachel was the first to raise her hand. "Thanks sweetie come on up!" Ms. Ruby welcomed her to the front of the class with a round of applause. "Hi, well my name is Rachel Barbra Berry I'm a transferred student here. My dads and I just moved from California, because my Daddy Michael got transferred to a hospital here in Ohio. I love collecting gold stars, they're sort of my thing and vegan vanilla ice cream, well I don't collect it, but I do love it! It's my favorite thing to eat. I also compete in choir competitions, well I did before we moved here, but I hope to start competing again soon. I guess that's it for me. Thanks!" While Rachel was presenting Quinn found herself smiling. Although the girl got under her skin, there was something about her that Quinn could more than tolerate.

When it was Quinn's turn to present the whole class was restless because she was the last one, and lunch was right after. It was bad enough that Quinn hated speaking in front of a crowd so the side conversations didn't help calm her nerves. "Um my name is Quinn Fabray" Quinn didn't notice but when she spoke it wasn't much louder than a whisper. "Honey try to speak up so that we can all hear you from back here" Ms. Ruby instructed as Quinn gave it another shot, but when the class didn't seem to settle down Rachel turned around to shhh them. That action didn't go unnoticed by Quinn who broke into smile before she continued. "My Name is Quinn Fabray" after sounding much louder she received a thumbs up from Ms. Ruby and a smile from Rachel that encouraged her to go on. "I'm twelve years old— my birthday is October 10th, my red is my favorite color, I have an older sister who is in high school and is a cheer leader. When she has free time she shows me some moves so that I'm ready for when I inter high school and become a cheerio— I think that's it, can I sit down now?" She asked as she turned to look as Ms. Ruby. Ms. Ruby laughed and nodded at the same time. "Thank you guys for sharing that with me. Now let's get ready for lunch".

At lunch Quinn was planning on avoiding Rachel because even though the girl managed to make her smile she kind of wanted her space so she tried to lose her in the lunch line. Once Quinn got her tray she headed towards the tables. Much to her surprise Rachel was already seated and called her out. "Quinn! Over here I saved you a seat!" Quinn tried to pretend like she didn't hear her but it was too late because the tiny girl got up to wave at her and everything. She was left with no choice but to join her. "Thanks for saving me a seat" she managed to say half smiling. "Oh yea no problem" Rachel took out some Jolly Ranchers and handed a red one to Quinn. "Here take the cherry one it's red so you should like it." Quinn smiled at the girl's gesture. Not only did she pay attention to her presentation but she nailed her favorite Jolly Rancher. "Thanks the cherry ones are actually my favorite." "Oh no biggie I love them all so it's no problem— so um do you really know some cheer leading moves? I've taken ballet since I could walk because my dad wanted me to start preparing for Broadway as soon as possible, but to be honest it isn't all that fun." There was an actual silence before she started speaking again. "Do you um maybe think you can teach me— some moves please?" Quinn would normally be extremely annoyed with the behavior Rachel was presenting, but somehow things were different with Rachel. Even when she wasn't aware of it the girl had her smiling. "We'll see what we can do" before she could continue Rachel was already smiling and squealing. "Did you just agree to teach me?" Quinn couldn't help but laugh at how excited the girl was. "Yea but it will cost you plenty of cherry Jolly Ranchers!"

Quinn woke up to the sound of her phone vibrating, but to her disappointment she was no longer twelve years old, or in 6th grade for that matter. She was back in the present at age 32 lying down on the couch of her empty studio. She had rented it almost immediately after Rachel confessed that she had been unfaithful. She considered kicking her out of their apartment but she knew it would be much too painful staying there without her. Hell it was just as hard moving out so she couldn't imagine what it would have been like if she stayed.

As she sat up she tried shaking away her dream but it made things worse when she looked at her phone and realized she had received a text from Rachel *I can't sleep, I miss you soooooooo much! Please answer my calls, or at least reply to my texts. I don't blame you for hating me, truth is I hate myself for allowing things to get out of hand, but I love you with all my heart! YOU'RE STILL MY WIFE! Can we please talk?* It broke Quinn's heart even more to read the "You're still my wife" portion of the text because it reminded her of how that didn't cross Rachel's mind when she cheated. Quinn just broke down and coped by crying herself to sleep yet again.

While Quinn slept she zoomed in and out of dreams involving memories of Rachel, making her morning the next day quite difficult. "Quinn Fabray!" She heard a loud shout coming from the door of her studio. "Q open up! I promised your mom I would make sure you made it back on time." Even without getting up she knew that the voice outside of her door belonged to none other than Santana. Santana and Quinn had been friends since the 7th grade. In reality he was best friends with Rachel and Quinn so she was left in a very difficult predicament when Quinn moved out. She cared for both of the girls equally and hated taking sides. She claimed to stay out of it, but deep down she couldn't help but to be upset with Rachel. She knew that the girl was madly in love with Quinn so she didn't understand how she could cause her so much pain and manage to hurt herself in the process. "Girl if you don't open this door I will break it down, and God forbid you're in your underwear, because then shit will go down!" she yelled right as Quinn managed to get to the door. "Don't get your panties caught in a bunch!" she teased as she walked in. "Oh girl I don't mean to be rude or anything, but you look like crap! You need to get your ass in the shower while I make you some coffee and try to come up with something for you to wear on your first day back." Quinn just rolled her eyes at her, and couldn't help but smile. Santana was the only person, other than Rachel that managed to put a smile on her face even when things seemed to be going wrong. Of course Quinn would never admit it to her because of her whole HBIC motto, but they always had each other's backs. "San you have such a way with words" she said as she entered the bathroom.

While Quinn was in the shower Santana tried to tidy up the place. Apparently Quinn had been living off of Frosted Flakes, and Ramen Noodles. She also didn't seem to be doing much cleaning because her dishes were all over the place. "Here I thought I was the messy one" she said to herself as she connected Quinn's iPod to the docking station. Since the iPod was on shuffle she didn't realize that the song that was playing was I'll Never Break Your Heart by the Backstreet Boys. Normally she would just let song after song play even if it wasn't her particular style, but that was the song that Rachel played when she proposed to Quinn.

She tried to change the track before Quinn heard it but it was too late. "Darling, why can't you see, I'll never break your heart. I'll never make you cry. I rather die than live without you" Quinn managed to sing along with a sarcastic tone and bitterly laughed when she finished. "I'm so glad she used that song when she asked if I would spend the rest of my life with her" She started to tear up, and it broke Santana's heart to see her that way. The last time she had witnessed Quinn that miserable was in high school when she had to give Beth up, and they weren't that close during that time so she wasn't there for her, so she was going to do whatever was in her hands to fix things. Santana always struggled when it came to expressing herself verbally, it just wasn't her thing. "Q drink your coffee. I made it just the way you like it" she said as she placed the cup in front of her and sat across her with her own. "Thanks San I seriously don't know what I would do without you." She smiled before he spoke "girl you would be so lost!"

After a couple of laughs they both fell into a comfortable silence but it was quickly disturbed when Santana's phone vibrated. She looked down to read the text, and the look on her face said it all. Quinn knew that the message she had received was from Rachel. "What does she want? She just doesn't get it!" she pretty much shouted as she got up to get more coffee. "Q, you know you both are my girls, sure Berry pushes it sometime with her over the top antics, but you know I can't take sides, plus I never made you take sides when it came to… Brits." before she could continue she was cut off. "I would never ask you to take sides, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't give her any information on me! There is a reason why I don't respond to her texts, or answer any of her calls!" After realizing that her tone was a bit stern she sat back down and apologized. "S, I'm sorry I don't mean to lash out at you, but I'm seriously starting to get tired of her going out of her way to reach me. I told her I needed time before I could speak to her and she doesn't seem to get it!" Although Santana was a bit startled she more than understood where Quinn was coming from and didn't take it personal. She just nodded in agreement. "She does get it Q, but you do realize that it has been six months! Six months since she last seen or heard from her wife! She's just worried and" once again he was interrupted by Quinn. "Bullshit!" she said as she mockingly laughed, and slammed her coffee mug in the sink. "Rachel isn't worried, and you know that! Worrying about someone implies that you actually have to care for them, and you know that's not the case when it comes to her!" Quinn began to cry as she finished what she was saying.

She didn't understand how Rachel still managed to get the best out of her, In spite of not seeing her for six months. She let herself fall to the ground as she took off her wedding band and tossed it towards the trash bin. Even after moving out she wasn't able to take it off because she feared that taking it off made things official, and even after everything that had happend she wasn't sure if that's what she really wanted. For some reason after speaking to Santana she realized that it was real. She hadn't seen her wife in six whole months, and she still felt like she wasn't ready for it, so the ring came off. "Honey what are you doing?" Santana questioned as she got up to pick up the ring. "You can't throw this away!" Santana knew that Quinn needed her space, but he never thought that a divorce would be the outcome of her move.

Quinn and Rachel were meant to be. They had their ups and downs before, but in the end it only made their relationship stronger, so it was difficult to consider them not being together ever again. "Q you can't possibly throw away twenty years?" Quinn managed to look up at her best friend "I didn't throw it away, she did! I wasn't the one who decided to fuck someone else! A guy to be exact! Does that mean I never had her satisfied? Was I ever…" this time she was the one that was interrupted. "Don't say that! You know that's not true, whenever you two were together you couldn't keep your hands off each other. It was just a stupid drunk mistake, and she told you about it Quinn. You're the love of her life not Finn! The douche bag just took advantage of her vulnerable situation!" Quinn got up from the floor not letting her finish. "I know I said that I would never make you choose sides, but it's a little too late for that because you're obviously team Rachel!" Quinn spat out as she picked up her phone and began to dial a number.

After a couple of rings the person on the other line picked up. "Hey Mary, this is Mrs. Berry-Fabray. Yea fine thank you I was actually just calling to let you know that I won't be able to start off today. I have a doctor's appointment later on today, but everything should be set to go by the end of the week. If anything I'll just give you a call to let you know. Ok thank you very much, see you soon." Santana couldn't believe she wasn't going back to work. She was aware of her sick days, but being idle at home wasn't doing Quinn any good. "Fabray you need to snap out of it! You can't stay at home and keep hiding from your problems! In fact don't you think that it's a bit hypocritical that you're the school counselor and you're doing the exact opposite of what you expect your students to do?"

That comment was all it took to set Quinn off. "Fuck you Lopez! You can't come here and judge me like that! When was the last time you were even in a relationship San? You couldn't even make things right by Britt, you just let her go without a fight, so what do you even know about anything?" She knew it was a low blow, but she was at the point of no return. "I'm a grown woman and I can so whatever the hell I want you got that?" Santana just nodded with tears in her eyes as she approached Quinn and gently cupped her hands on her face. "Q, it's exactly because of… Britt and I. You know this is hard for me, but I can't so you do the same thing I did. Maybe it's too late for me, and I know it's not my place to be telling you all of this, but I say it because I love you! I know it's harsh, but sometimes the people we love need to be roughed up a bit, and you're a Cheerio so I know you're tough! I've known you nearly as long as your wife has. Do I need to remind you about the way you guys ended up together to begin with?" She said as she placed a warming kiss on her forehead. "No you don't need to remind me, it's bad enough she's with me in my dreams. I don't need to relive our stories while I'm awake as well. It's like you said, I fought for her once before, I don't want to, nor do I have to fight for her again. What I need is for you to help me clean up this mess once and for all. I need for you to start up a divorce file for me as soon as possible".

Santana couldn't believe what she was hearing. She knew that Rachel had really messed up, and secretly hated her for it, but she didn't even want to picture how things would be if her two best friends would actually call things off. The two had already been through so much in the past, so she figured that with time this would only be a hurdle across their path. She had been there for the girls from the very beginning of their relationship. Way before they both realized they belonged together. She and Brittany were even there the day that Rachel decided to propose (well they weren't there but they helped with the preparations). All along it was Quinn that intended on proposing but Rachel sneakily switched gears on their third Valentine's Day together.

After a minute of trying to process everything Santana finally spoke. "Q are you saying that you no longer love her?" she feared the answer she might get in return, but it was important to get it all out. "Of course not I still love her, with all my heart like I always have. That's why I have to end it. I'm afraid that if I try to get back with her I won't be able to forgive her- and what if that then it turns to hate?" she paused for a moment as if she was searching for her own answer. "I can't hate her San! I love her way too much for that to happen." As she finished her last words she couldn't help but begin to cry.