A/N: Now, this hardly makes up for my total lack of production recently and the fact that I've ended Touch of a Hand (with possibly one more chapter). But I did promise a sort of TARDIS/Doctor story.

Now that we get this chance to talk with mouths… I want to say that you have terrible taste in the strays you bring home recently! Let's start with that little pink and yellow girl, Rose, why don't we? When you regenerated into your tenth form and were unconscious for a while, Rose complained that you'd gone and "left her." How selfish is that? No, you didn't leave her, you just almost died and passed out for a while. Grow up and realize it's not all about you, girl.

Let's go to Donna next. Donna kicked so much more butt than Rose, so does Amy, so does River, and even Martha did. I don't even like Martha, but at least she was strong. She walked the Earth alone. Could Rose have done that? Never in a million years (believe me, I know what a million years can do to a person). She couldn't even go a few hours without you when you were unconscious. Oh wait, sorry, that was all about Rose again.

Donna. She could never shut her mouth! Oh, excuse me, it's not my fault she randomly popped up inside me, believe it or not. And she got jealous of the fact that you've had other companions. What, she thought that a 900 year old man traveled by himself for all that time until, one day, he found her? Get real.

I skipped Martha, didn't I? Oh, just wait for this. She fell madly in love with you because of a DNA transfer, even though you made a point that you weren't interested. And seriously, can't a girl get the message? She made the normal choices you'd expect, nothing special. At least Donna kept you on your toes. The only interesting thing she ever did was walk the Earth, and that was great because I didn't have to deal with her then. Oh, and she had the nerve to leave, which again was good because I got rid of her.

Then, as if a blonde, a useless one, and a ginger weren't enough, you decided to bring home another ginger. This time, she's a stripper. My, my, you've grown naughty in your old age. Yes, yes, this is where you chime in and say she's not really a stripper, but a kissogram. Let's be honest here, a kissogram is an underpaid stripper essentially. She makes some good moves, but just as I started to adjust to her, this ginger stray brings her own stray aboard. Didn't you learn when Rose brought her little pet Mickey along?

Rory. Rory is the pretty one, I'll give you that. But there's not much in his pretty little head. He couldn't even stand up for himself until the day he turned plastic, so he wasn't even human. He keeps dying and doesn't really stand a chance at much of anything without your help. And then he gets married to your girl you've been carting around, and they go and make another little creature, right inside me!

So there. All of your strays are so annoying, and they have such a sense of self-importance. Hopefully River will turn out better because she is sort of my child, anyway. But I can't believe the way she flies me. It's nothing like you, my thief. In between strays I still travel with you, so don't you forget about me.

A/N: I just wanted to note that not all of this is based on my own opinions, just how the TARDIS perceives the characters. Though, I must admit, some characters were easier to criticize than others…