A/N This short story came about after a conversation with a friend. We were discussing how easy it was to offend people (and how ridiculous that offence could be sometimes!). So I decided to write a story that may be deliberately offensive to some (albeit tongue-in-cheek).

This is not a social commentary on the relationship between men and women in Britain today - it is a FANFICTION and therefore must be read in the spirit in which it is intended! :D

But, should anyone reading this choose to be incredibly offended by it I would just like you to know one thing - I am big enough, and old enough, and ugly enough not to give a damn! :D :D :D :D :D

Disclaimer: I don't own Primeval, but if I did Becker would make me a pot of tea and croissants every morning for breakfast wearing nothing but a natty little apron... :P (That's one in the eye for social equality!) :P

"Its just not fair!" whined Connor.

"I know, mate, I know," concurred Becker gravely.

"Its like we're just not allowed to be men anymore," moaned Matt.

"I mean, we're moving into our own place and Abby insists on lifting all the heavy furniture by herself. She said all I'm allowed to do is make the tea!" Connor's voice became high-pitched with self pity.

"Pass the sugar, mate," Matt said to Connor, the spoon tinkling against the mug as he stirred it into his Earl Grey tea.

"Ooooh biscuits!" exclaimed Becker, helping himself to a chocolate Bourbon.

Matt sank down into the comfy sofa with a sigh, taking the biscuit offered to him by Becker. "I mean, look at me," he lamented. "I used to drink nothing but strong black coffee. But Emily doesn't like coffee, so my kitchen is now full of all manner of variety of teas. And what am I drinking?" The question was rhetorical as he held up his cup. "Earl bloody Grey!" he declared, a slight tone of disgust in his voice.

"And what about me?" groaned Becker, slumping down next to the Team Leader, resting his feet on the coffee table, ankles crossed. He sighed. "Jess asked me what use I was in an Afghani IED field if I couldn't even make out a simple tripwire in a flat in London! She had to rescue me, can you believe that? The tough, hardened soldier rescued by a - a - Barbie doll!"

Matt and Connor snickered - they couldn't help it. It was just too comical. Becker glowered.

Connor sat himself down on the edge of the coffee table, pushing Becker's feet to the floor with a loud thud. "How did this happen to us?" he asked, taking a dainty sip of his black tea with lemon.

Becker shook his head miserably, grateful for the comfort of his big mug of hot chocolate.

Abby ran, helter skelter, down one corridor shouting in her earpiece at Emily.

"Emily! Its coming your way! Stay out of sight until its in range!"

Emily backed herself against the wall of the adjoining corridor, EMD charged and raised, ready to bring down the Dracorex as it rounded the corner. The creature came into view and the Victorian woman levelled her EMD. But the light on the weapon spooked the creature before she could fire and, with a roar, it suddenly changed direction, charging down the opposite passageway.

"Damn it, Abby - I lost it!" exclaimed Emily, annoyed at her inability to bring the dinosaur down.

"Don't panic," instructed the zoologist. "Jess, can you see it? Where did it go?"

"Its heading down Corridor 5, close to Lab B," came the confident reply over the Comms. "I've sealed all the other exits. The only access to that corridor is from your direction."

"Great work, Jess," Abby said as she met up with Emily and the two women jogged towards the agitated creature.

As they got closer, the Dracorex realised it was trapped and charged them. Pushing Abby out of the way, determined to make up for her earlier failure, Emily discharged her EMD three times in quick succession. The Dracorex stopped, mid-flight, and twitched before collapsing to the floor with a sickening thud. Both women grinned at each other and wiped the sweat from their foreheads.

"Let's get this little beauty back to the Menagerie," said Abby and Emily replied with a firm nod.

They hefted the creature, with much pushing and pulling and panting, onto a medical gurney. Somehow between them, the gurney twisting and turning down the corridor like a supermarket shopping trolley, the women managed to manouever the Dracorex back to the cell it called home. They sat opposite each other in Abby's lab, exhausted and breathing heavily.

"Who needs men, hey?" asked Emily with tired self satisfaction.

"Just tell me why we needed to do this again?" demanded Abby.

"Because we are just as brave and strong as the men and are perfectly capable of doing the same jobs they do!" declared Emily, incredulous that in this time of women's freedom and equality Abby would question being able to exercise that freedom at every moment.

"I know that and you know that," Abby huffed, her arms aching with the effort of moving the creature. "Why do we need to prove it?"

Emily looked shocked. "In my time, I was not permitted to do anything. Here, in this wonderful time of feminism and equal opportunity, we must do all we can to ensure we are never again oppressed by our men!"

Abby shook her head. "You know, Emily," she said, a smile twisting around her mouth. "I know I am perfectly capable of putting out the rubbish bin on a Friday morning for collection. Connor knows I'm perfectly capable of putting out the rubbish bin on a Friday morning for collection. But, why on earth would I want to when I have convinced Connor it's a "man's job" and let him do it?"

Emily looked confused.

"It's a dirty, smelly job." Abby pulled a face. "Just because I CAN do it - doesn't mean I should! That's part of freedom too, you know - choosing what I should and shouldn't do. And right now, I have decided hefting dinosaurs through the ARC corridors is a man's job!"

Emily grinned as she finally caught on.

"As is - mowing the lawn?" she asked tentatively.

Abby smirked and nodded. "And fixing the car."

"Unblocking the sewer pipes," said Emily.

"Exactly!" said Abby. "If doing all the hard, sweaty, dirty, smelly jobs makes them feel manly - I say, let them do it! And I don't feel oppressed in the slightest. In fact, I feel quite liberated, now, knowing that I DON'T have to do it!"

Emily grinned again. She decided she liked Abby's type of freedom.

They made their way to Ops, discussing all the nasty jobs they were going to inform Connor, Matt and Becker were "man's jobs" and were met by Jess at the bottom of the steps.

"Jess! What on earth are you wearing?" exclaimed Abby, horrified at the sight of her friend.

Jessica Parker, renowned for her tight mini skirts, brightly coloured low cut tops and ridiculously high heels, was adorned in a conservative navy blue pencil skirt suit with cream silk blouse buttoned to her throat. In place of her often quirky hairstyles was a simple ponytail.

"Captain Becker called me a Barbie doll," she explained dolefully. "I don't want to be a Barbie doll. I want to be serious and business-like, a woman respected by my peers, with valid opinions and everything!"

"Jess!" chastised Abby. "You shouldn't change your appearance just for a man!"

"I know!" sobbed Jess. "I feel so oppressed!"

Before she could comment further Lester appeared in the Ops Room with the unlikeliest bunch of misfits the ladies had ever seen.

"Lester? What's going on?" demanded Emily. "Who are these - people?"

Lester smirked. "They are the new recruits - soldiers, techs, lab assistants, and creature experts," he announced with an arched eyebrow, daring any of them to challenge him. Of course they did.

"New recruits? Lester, you can't be serious!" exclaimed Jess. "I mean they're all so, so - ugly!"

"Yes," agreed Lester. "Its part of my new Equal Opportunities venture. You lot are far too, well, pretty and that's a bad thing in my opinion."

Abby frowned. "How are we all too pretty - and why on earth is that a bad thing?"

Lester snorted. "You ladies are all so petite, with swishy hair and high cheekbones. Captain Becker has damn pretty boy hair and that eyebrow thing. Anderson had his designer stubble and that accent that you all like so much. And Temple? Well, Temple has his puppy dog eyes and frankly even swishier hair than any of you!" He paused to let his words sink in. "And, yes, Miss Maitland, it is a bad thing. The ARC is like a hotbed of love and believe me its not high on my "Reasons for Living List" to watch you lot canoodling all day. These are the ugly people - and I'm hoping that none of them will find each other even remotely attractive, therefore reducing my need to feel like vomiting every morning!"

"Lester!" cried Abby shocked.

The boss shrugged, not feeling contrite in the slightest.

"But Lester!" protested Jess. "The women are so butch and the men all look like - well - accountants!"

Lester turned to his young field co-ordinator. "At least none of them are pretending to be something they're not," he told her sardonically, giving her the once over from toe to head.

"That's not fair!" Jess pouted. "Do you think I like dressing like you to please a man who wouldn't know the difference between Ralph Lauren and - and - Primark?"

With a flick of her hair she marched angrily back towards the ADD, deliberately ignoring the appreciative glances from the ugly people.

Lester emerged from the training room some time later looking dishevelled and decidedly grey.

"Lester, are you quite all right?" Emily asked him, concerned.

He glanced at the ARC Alpha Team - Matt, Emily, Connor, Abby, Becker and Jess - all assembled and staring at him from the ADD.

"Forget what I said about the uglies," he muttered, his grey face turning an interesting shade of green. "At least prettiness makes the experience of watching you lot turn my ARC into your own little love nests almost bearable." He looked back at the training room door and shuddered. "It's like watching a BBC documentary on hippos humping in there - without the interesting commentary by David Attenborough."

Lester paused and shook his head. "I'm going to medical for a lie down." As he reached the exit he stopped and looked back at the incredulous faces of the team.

"When they're quite finished in there - tell the uglies they're fired." He waved his hand in the air in the manner of Her Majesty, the Queen. "What the heck - you're all fired!"

THE END

A/N So, have I completely lost the plot?

Offended? Or laughing like a loon? Review and let me know! :D :D :D:D :D