Well, I have the stomach flu, but...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FINAL FANTASY! As it turns out, I have saved my favorite character for last. It's the longest chapter yet!

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy. You should know this by now.

Cecil: Christmas Dinner (December 24th)

"Hey, guys!" Cecil waved to Firion and Tidus.

"Cecil!" Tidus hollered. Firion and Tidus went to wave...but then they spotted who was behind Cecil.

He was enormous, probably over eight feet tall and two hundred to three hundred pounds of sheer muscle. Creased violet eyes of death were set deep in his face, and his silvery-white hair ran wildly to his shoulders. He looked like he could strangle Emerald WEAPON with his bare hands.

Eyes wide in fear and pants slick from urine, all Firion and Tidus did was flee in terror, not even considering saving Cecil from the monster.

Wondering what scared the two so horribly, Cecil glanced back at Golbez, who had taken off his armor for dinner. The gigantic Man in Black shrugged, equally confused.

The Warrior of Light was working as a bouncer of sorts, still nursing an icepack to his head even two days after his drunken escapade. As it turned out, Terra had beaten everyone to the drunken duo and had taken far too much pleasure in going Esper on them. Then again, she probably just didn't ship Terra/Sephiroth.

"Names?" the Warrior queried, not bothering to glance up from his smart phone. If Cecil asked, the Warrior of Light would almost certainly say he was using an app to form a battle strategy, but the brothers could both hear the Angry Birds theme song drifting to their ears.

And who knew, maybe that was the new strategy: put the Warriors of Cosmos in a catapult and hurl them at Chaos's forces. It'd be a suicidal effort, but it would probably be better than the Warrior's last strategy of drinking Garland under the table.

Cecil was the one to answer. "Well, you know us already, but Cecil Harvey and...Golbez? Theodor? I'm not even sure what to say anymore..."

Golbez didn't supply the warriors with an answer, but the Warrior found their names on the invite list anyway. "Go on in."

They headed inside, five minutes later, another person came to enter. Not looking up this time either, he asked, "Name?"

"I'm Captain Basch!" the stranger exclaimed eagerly.

The Warrior of Light glanced at the list. Not finding this name, he glanced up - and sighed. "We have a no shirt, no shoes, no service policy, you know."

"I don't need a shirt!" the girly boy (good grief, he was almost as bad as Cecil or Kuja!) shouted. "I'm too sexy for my shirt!"

"I'm sorry, but who are you?"

"Don't listen to Ondore's lies!"

"...Why do I get the feeling this is going to be a long night?"

Things were in full swing inside, and Cecil smiled at the people sitting near him as they chatted happily over an appetizer of cocktail weenies and glasses of cider. For some reason, Firion and Tidus were still giving Golbez wary looks and wondering why Cecil kept calling him Brother. Everyone else seemed to figure out his identity, though.

"-And that's why Kuja apparently doesn't wear pants!" Zidane finished his story and earned giggles from everyone except the silver-haired genome next to him. Kuja just huffed and took a dainty sip of cider, silently vowing to murder his brother later.

To Cecil's right, Cloud chuckled. "You know, I'm starting to wonder what my old friend would think of you guys. You would all like them...well, most of them."

"Cloud!" exclaimed Sephiroth. "Why, I didn't know you had friends."

"Shut up!" Cloud bellowed before calmly continuing. "We sure were a strange crew."

Bartz raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Can't be any stranger than my friends. One of them was a cross dresser, and another was an amnesiac."

Tidus snorted, and the Onion Knight smirked. "Well, Cloud is both of those." Their side of the table burst into malicious chuckles, making Cloud turn shade of red similar to Terra's dress. "...Anyway, first of all, that cross dressing was ONE TIME! I had to save Tifa!"

"Aww, is she your girlfriend? That is so sweet!" Terra cheered as she clapped her hands together on Cloud's right. On Terra's other side, the Onion Knight groaned. She was slipping from his grasp!

Cloud was still blushing. "Err...it's complicated. I have to stay ambiguous to keep fans of both my love interests happy, but Advent Children made us a couple...I don't like Advent Children. No one does, but I think the most resentful of us besides me is Cid since he hardly got screen time."

"You know a man named Cid?" Cecil questioned, astonished.

"...Yes?"

"Is he pretty gruff and skilled with machines, but has a soft side?"

Cloud gawked at him. "How did you - "

"I know a Cid, too!" all the Warriors of Cosmos at the table cried. Meanwhile, the Warriors of Chaos (aside from Golbez and Jecht) scowled, remembering how annoying the Cids were.

"That's creepy," Bartz murmured.

Becoming bored with the conversation, Kefka decided to amp up the excitement. "So...hey! Paladin boy!" Cecil glanced up from his cider to stare at the clown. Golbez, meanwhile, picked up his own cider and took a long, deep swig.

"Yes?" Cecil yelled across the table.

"I've got a question for you!" Kefka said. Most of the other Warriors of Chaos aside from Jecht, Kuja, and Golbez stirred in their seats, somehow knowing what was going on.

A few of the Warriors of Cosmos became alarmed, namely Cloud and Terra (seeing their respective villains happy at all was a good cause of alarm, since they were the type to delight in the despair of drowning kittens), but most of the others seated at the table didn't give the clown notice.

"...All right, what?" Cecil decided to humor the clown, while Golbez multitasked between listening and drinking the delicious cider.

"Okay, so are you gay, or what?"

Golbez spat out his cider, projecting the piping hot liquid all over Ultimecia across from him. Next to him, Cecil's jaw dropped in shock and he did not respond to any stimuli for a few minutes, not even to help his poor, sputtering brother.

After eight minutes, Cecil finally shook himself out of it to reply. "Hang on one second." He took a huge gulp of cider and intentionally did a spit take, this time projecting it to land on Sephiroth. "What's wrong with you?"

Golbez was, regretfully, still sputtering, so he was unable to defend his brother. Ultimecia was wiping herself off with Kuja's cape-skirt thing that she had mistaken for a napkin, but even she was able to say, "We had a bet, you see."

Cecil's head spun so he could gawk at her. "You can't be serious."

"I told them you were straight!" Tidus howled. When Golbez had spat cider on Ultimecia, all of them had begun to pay attention to this dreadful conversation.

Cecil was still gaping like a silly fish, asbolutely overwhelmed. "I'm sorry, but how many of you were in on this?"

Everyone but Golbez, Terra, and Kuja raised their hands. Feeling betrayed, Cecil clenched his fists beneath the table. "Hate to make so many of you lose, but I'M STRAIGHT!"

Everyone froze. Out of all the warriors from either side, Cecil had been the only one besides the Warrior of Light they had never seen snap. He always treated the other with respect and kindness, and this was how they repaid him? Though Cecil didn't notice it himself, tendrils of darkness began to curl around the paladin, causing several people to quake in fear.

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes in disbelief. "There's no way you're-"

"I'm married, even!"

"Cover-up?" Kefka put on the table, still snickering.

The evil voice inside Cecil's head vowed to kill Kefka first. "We have a child!"

"Doesn't explain the make-up!"

Next to Cecil, Golbez had finally regained enough of his senses to bash his head against the table repeatedly, muttering about the evils of humanity. Still, in between smashes, he told everyone, "We're part-Lunarian, we were born this way, with purple lips."

Kefka opened his mouth to speak, but Cecil growled, "If you even utter one syllable of that Lady Gaga song, I will pummel you into oblivion."

For what felt like aeons, no one spoke, and the only sound was Golbez still banging his head against the table, killing some of his overloaded brain cells out of mercy...

Then the door burst open, and some bishonen buttmunch not wearing a shirt sprinted in, howling, "BASCH LIVES!" to the heavens, with the Warrior of Light hot on his heels.

Cecil and Golbez took advantage of the opportunity and left those jerks to deal with the unwanted character on their own. Starbucks was so much better than this place, and they really didn't want to see who betted against Cecil exchange money anyway.

Poor Cecil. He's so underrated by the fandom, and Dissidia players constantly make jokes about his appearance...

Anyway, I feel the need to clarify: I like Cecil, he's my favorite Final Fantasy character, period. I actually like all of the characters portrayed in Dissidia (though I can't say I enjoyed how OOC everyone, but especially Cloud and Terra, seemed). This is an affectionate parody!

Well, see you all on Christmas day with the final chapter! Remember, your review count determines whether or not you receive an epilogue from me!