Back to December, a big time rush fanfic

I have a few more hours until I need to get ready for tomorrow (Monday), and I'm in a Jatie song-fic mood. I'm listening to Taylor Swift and Big Time Rush on my iPod, so I figured why not combine the two?

It's been a while since I've done a Jatie, so I want to do another one of my favorite couples!

This will all be in Katie's P.O.V. I may change it, but it will all be through Katie's eyes, unless stated otherwise.

Disclaimer: I don't own the wonderful boys of Big Time Rush, the talented Taylor Swift, or her songs.

I'm so glad you made time to see me

How's life, tell me how's your family

I haven't seen them in a while

It's been about a year since James and I split up, but I still try to see him and his family. We keep in touch, and I have to admit, every time I see him, I'm sad we broke up. I keep telling myself that it was his fault, but I know it wasn't. It was mine. No one else's, just mine.

…*…*…*December fifteenth: The day Jatie ended…*…*…*

"Leave! Leave, go back to your stupid band! I never want to see your face again, James!"

"Katie, let me explain what happened!"

"No, I saw you with that…that Barbie! I saw what I saw, and there's no way you can try to convince me that didn't happen."

"But, Katie…"

"Leave, or I'll call Kendall!"

"Fine, I'll go. Just remember, you won't ever be able to get me back."

James walked out the door, with his head hung low. Before he left I could see tears waiting to roll down his perfect face. I wish I could take all of that back now, but I can't. I glance over at the roses he gave me day earlier, they're beginning to die, much like our relationship just has. He was in the wrong, I didn't do a thing.

I curled up in the corner of the couch in my living room, and I cried. I cried, and cried, and cried. Around an hour later, I cleaned myself up, and headed to bed. Cleaning myself up wasn't that helpful; I cried myself to sleep anyways. I just wish that he could see how much this is hurting me now.

…*…*…*End flashback…*…*…*

I pull up to James' mansion, and slowly exit my car. It's a rainy day, but weather isn't going to stop me from seeing the guy I'm missing oh so much. As I walk up the porch steps to the door, I wonder what I'm going to say.

You've been good, busier than ever

We small talk, work and the weather

Your guard is up, and I know why

Because the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind

You gave me roses and I left them there to die

James informed me that Big Time Rush had just released their third album, and that they were going to be going on a worldwide tour. I tell him that my acting lessons have been paying off, and that I got one of the lead roles in this new romance movie. Just what I need, more romance.

James doesn't act like himself anymore. It's like he switched personalities with Logan. James is now the quiet one, and Logan is the one who's always upbeat. His eyes don't have the same cheer that they used to have in them, they're a lot more lost, almost like they've seen something they wished they didn't see. Hmm, sounds familiar.

We both avoid talking about that night that I definitely regret. The entire thing is fresh in my mind now that I see him, so it's getting harder and harder to talk since a lump is starting to form in my throat. I should tell James how I feel, that I want him back. He said I wouldn't be able to ever get him back, though. I have to do what I have to do, and I need to let James know how I feel.

So this is me swallowing my pride

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine

I go back to December, turn around and make it alright

I go back to December all the time

"James…I want you to know something about me," I whisper.

"Yeah, what is it?" he asks, concern showing in his eyes. The eyes I destroyed.

"I miss you. I think about that night in December every day, and I replay it in my mind to make it right again. I didn't mean to overreact like I did. I was angry; the first thing that popped into my head was what I said. Freedom from you isn't what I wanted at all. You were the best thing I ever had, and I ruined it. I'm sorry," I confessed, letting everything I wanted to say be heard by the person who meant the most to me.

"Katie…I know."

"What do you mean you know?" I asked, starting to get a tad bit frustrated.

"It's kind of obvious. At least, it is to me."

I covered up all my pain to the best of my abilities, and it was obvious to James. I guess that's a good and bad thing. Good, because now he knows how I've been feeling, so he'll probably take me back. Bad, because that means I'm not as good an actress as I thought, but that doesn't matter.

"So…you'll take me back?" I assumed.

"No. I don't make promises just to break them. I'm not getting hurt again. We're just friends now, and I'm sorry that I'm probably hurting you now, but you should have thought twice before you let me go."

These days I haven't been sleeping

Staying up playing back myself leaving

When your birthday passed and I didn't call

"James, I know I hurt you, and I'm deeply sorry for that, but please, please take me back. I was stupid!" Tears began to slide down my face. "I've become an insomniac because I left you. I don't like, no, I hate living my life without seeing you everyday. I didn't call you on your birthday, and that was an idiotic move of me. James, I know you're hurting too, so let's be happy again, and be a couple again," I begged. I didn't really know if James was hurting like I was, but he couldn't be so heartless as to turn me down again. At least, I hope he wasn't this heartless.

"Katie, I told you, I don't say something and not commit to it. I gave you a chance, and you lost it. I think it would be for the best if you left now. You can go get cleaned up, but I'd appreciate it if you left afterwards. It was nice seeing you again."

I slunk upstairs to his bathroom and washed my face. I grabbed a couple tissues and wiped my eyes. I took a few more and stuffed them into my jacket, just in case. As I made my way downstairs, I thought about how desperate I looked in front of James.

James was in his study, so I told him good-bye, and walked out the door.

"Nice seeing you too," I muttered. Then, the door clicked shut.

I walked to my car, and got inside. I turned it on and waited for it to heat up. I couldn't help it, but I cried. I looked over at James' house one last time before I left, and saw him peeking out of his window, looking straight at me. I put the car in drive, and sped off, down the road.

"Logan's place. I need to go to Logan's house." I sniffed. I turned left, and started down the road. Logan lived in a simpler house. It was two stories, yes, but it wasn't as extravagant.

I parked outside of the simple home that I visited many times before, and ran up to the door, knocked, and was instantly greeted with a hug from Logan. He invited me in, and I made my way to the couch. I sat down and put my face in my hands, only causing that to echo my sobbing. Logan sat down next to me, and began rubbing his hand up and down my back like he always did when he wanted to comfort someone. That's what I liked about Logan, he calmed you down, and never had you speak until you wanted to. After five minutes, my sobs were small sniffs, and I was ready to tell Logan what had happened.

"Why did you tell James how you felt in the first place?" Logan wondered out loud.

"I thought it was the smart thing to do, but it w-wasn't." I answered.

"Sweetie, you need to learn how to think about how something may go before it happens," Logan advised.

"I'm so stupid," I whispered.

"You're not stupid, you're young. You're going to make mistakes, Katie, just accept them and move on," Logan corrected.

Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times

I watched you laughing from the passenger side

And realized I loved you in the fall

And then the cold came, the dark days where fear crept into my mind

You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

I told Logan about my favorite memories with James. One of them was a joy ride in the BTR mobile in the summer. James was nice enough to let me drive, but joked that if I wrecked the car, he'd never forgive me and would make me walk back to the Palmwoods. I started laughing when he said that, so he caught my contagious laughter. I glanced over at him to see his face. That was a great memory that I will always treasure. Then, how I finally noticed that I truly loved him more than anything during fall. Then, winter came along, and things started to fall apart. I feared that he would leave me, but the roles were switched in reality. All he did was love me, but I didn't do anything but kick him out of my life.

So this is me swallowing my pride

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine

I go back to December, turn around and make it alright

I go back to December all the time

"I want to forget today so badly," I told Logan.

"Well, it wasn't the best day ever, so I can see why. Katie, you can stay here if you want. I'll invite Kendall and Carlos over and we can go out to eat, play some games, whatever you want," Logan offered.

"Sure, let's go," I was all for getting James out of my head, and doing some fun stuff was all it would take.

Logan called up Carlos, and I called Kendall. They both agreed to meet us at Applebee's. It took Logan and me about fifteen minutes to get there, and Kendall and Carlos a little less than thirty. Since today was a rainy day, the place wasn't packed. The guys got noticed by a few little girls, and two teenage girls. The little girls smiled at me, but the teens gave me death glares, probably assuming I was dating Logan or Carlos. Fan-girls…

I got a chicken salad, and the guys got some ribs. Guys will be guys, I guess. James would've gotten some chicken, like me. No, stop it, I can't be thinking about James right now.

After we finished our lunch, we went back to Logan's house, and broke out the board games. Carlos won a game, I won two, and Kendall and Logan didn't win any. Carlos got a movie from Logan's collection and turned it on. I had never seen Carlos' choice, but it wasn't very good, seeing as it was about a girl who traveled the world to find her perfect guy. The movie ended with the girl not finding the guy she always dreamed of, and I was glad to see that.

"Idiot! You have standards that are way too high, you're ugly, you're stupid, and you don't deserve a man!" I yelled at the screen.

"Katie, the movie is two parts, and that was the first part," Carlos informed me.

"Oh…well, I'm still right." I argued.

"Who wants to go take Katie to the mall?" Kendall asked. All the guys volunteered, and we all set off for the mall in Kendall's car. Our first stop inside was to a jewelry store. I spent a quarter of the money Kendall had given me, and came out with two bags. Then, we went clothes shopping, and I spent the majority of what was left of Kendall's money. Believe it or not, Kendall didn't have a lot of cash left afterwards.

"Katie, I think it's time to leave before you buy out the whole store!" Logan joked.

James would have let me stay for as long as I want. I zoned out and began thinking about James. My vision started to get blurry, and I sat down on a bench and let my tears spill out of my eyes. Carlos went off to find tissues, Kendall took my stuff to the car, and Logan stayed there trying to stop me from crying.

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right

And how you held me in your arms that September night

The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinking

Probably mindless dreaming

But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't

So if the chain is on your door I understand

Carlos had returned with tissues, Kendall had come back without the bags, and they all helped me make my way to the car. I couldn't stop myself from thinking about James while I cried. I also thought about the first time he saw me cry. It was the night I had gotten bashed by critics for my performance in a movie. James hugged me until I stopped crying.

I want James to be mine again so bad. Only mine, not some blonde girl's, not some other girl's, just mine. That's how it's supposed to be. I wouldn't forget about his birthday, I'd take care of the roses he would give me, I'd spend all my free time with him, I'd be a much better girlfriend than I was. I want to change my mistakes, but I don't have any magical powers that can do so. I know he'll never think of me as a girlfriend again, though. I can still hear Logan: "Accept your mistakes." Accept the mistake, accept the mistake, accept the mistake…

I'm in the backseat of Kendall's car. Logan's driving, Carlos is on my left side, and Kendall is on my right. James may never be mine again, and it will take me a long while to accept that, but I'm slowly getting there. James is just a scar of my past, and he will be a part of my future, even if I'm not only his.

Buzz, buzz.

I take my phone out of my pocket, and once Kendall sees it's James trying to reach me, he snatches my phone and answers it.

"Katie?"

"It's Kendall."

"Oh, Kendall. Can I talk to Katie for a second?"

"If she looks like she's about to cry, I'm taking the phone from her and hanging up." Kendall handed me my phone, and James sounded like he would cry any minute.

So this is me swallowing my pride

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine

I go back to December, turn around and make it alright

I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind

I go back to December all the time

All the time

"Katie, I miss you too. I feel the same way about that night. I want you to be my girlfriend again. The chance was right in front of me, and I was stupid to refuse it. I thought I was right to refuse it, but when I saw you crying in your car, I thought about it. I realized that I should've jumped at the chance. Katie, will you take me back?"

My eyes started to get glossy from the tears that were about to come, so Kendall started reaching for my phone, but I slapped him to stop him.

"Yes!" I cried into the phone.

James is now all mine, and I don't have to keep going back to December.

So this is me swallowing my pride

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine

I go back to December, turn around and make it alright

I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind

I go back to December all the time

All the time

I straightened myself up, wiped my eyes with a tissue, and replied to James.

"No."

"No?" James repeated.

"James, I tried to get you back, but you didn't want to. I know you thought about it, but I don't do third chances. You are my past, and you are leading me to my bright, bright future." That's when I hung up.

James has made me stronger, and I may go back to December, but I don't want to risk going back all over again.

Ooh, an alternate ending! I loved writing this! So good!

Fun facts

1. It seemed that whenever I tried to write a sad, emotional scene, an upbeat song came on

2. I thought it was hilarious that when I was writing Katie wanting James back, Love Me, Love Me started playing

3. I could only imagine it being a rainy day with Katie in dark clothing

4. I hope I changed Katie's confession to James sound different from the chorus of the song

5. I had a really good line for Katie to say as she left, but then I forgot it!

6. Music Sounds Better With U started playing on my iPod, and when James sang, "It's hard to say how you feel," I said, "Well, it wasn't that hard for Katie!"

7. Back to December magically came on after I had typed some lyrics

8. I scrolled up and "kick him out of my life" was on every line. Creepy much?

9. Yeah, I don't own Applebee's, but can't I dream a little?

10. I almost cried writing Katie's last paragraph before the phone call

11. I wanted Katie to say no to James' plea, but then I realized that wouldn't fit with the song, so I added that alternate ending

12. Sorry BTRlover98 for saying this would be up tomorrow! You know what they say, WHOOPS!

It's past time for me to go to bed, but I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! :]

Smile, be happy, laugh long, and go big time! :]