Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings of Bleach; they are the sole creative property of Tite Kubo. I do not and will not make a profit from this endeavor, however, I do own my insanity and perversity and will develop carpal tunnel syndrome eventually.
Title: Wardrobe Malfunction
Warnings: Crack, and more!
!MAJOR SPOILER! (Don't go past this point if you don't want to know what happens in Manga Chapter 474)
Rating: K for Kewl
Pairings: none
Full Summary: Now that he has been revealed to be the evil mastermind behind the Substitute Shinigami badge, our beloved Ukitake considers changing his appearance.

Wardrobe Malfunction

"So, Ukitake-san, you wanted to come in today and talk about possible wardrobe changes once we start filming your scenes?"

"Hai," the white haired Shinigami captain smiled congenially. "This is my chance to break out," he coughed lightly as large dust covered binders where unceremoniously dropped onto the table in front of him.

"I see," the stylist smiled as she directed the white haired taichou to sit down before the books. "I have taken the liberty of pulling some information. Maybe we can find some inspiration in these?"

"In… inspiration?"

The stylist stared back at Jyuushiro and sighed slightly. Looking behind her, she quickly grabbed a stool and pulled it up so that she would be able to sit beside the kind man. "Yes, we need to do something different this time around. After what Aizen," she sneered as she said the male's name, "put me through with all of his demands and changes… Well, you can see what I would like to get a feel for how you'd want your evil persona to be dressed before we get down to it."

"Oh," Ukitake murmured as he pulled a thick binder labeled "Greatest Villain in Gaming History" towards him. "I apologize for my naivety," he turned and smiled slightly at the woman. "I guess I really can't do the whole 'taking off the glasses and sweeping my hair back' move can I?"

"No," she chuckled, "that you can't. But," she smirked as she tapped the binder his hands were resting on. "I think we can work with some of the looks these white haired badboys had going for them."

"White-haired?"

"Oh yes Jyuushiro," the woman's voice took on a husky tone. "Long flowing silvery white hair and you," she pointed dramatically, "will take your place in history among them!"

Ukitake swallowed back a nervous chuckle as the stylist grabbed the binder from him and flipped open the pages.

"Feast your eyes on this," she said ominously as she threw open the book.

The Shinigami-taichou gasped as his brown eyes widened as the pages came into view, the glare of the high gloss photos blinding him momentarily. His sword calloused hands reached out to smooth across the plastic covered page to take in the sight laid out before him. The stylist cautiously moved to stand behind Ukitake, leaning over his powerful frame as she moved his finger over the length of the picture.

"Picture it," she murmured close to his ear. "Ukitake-taichou standing high above the Seireitei. His lean body, corded with muscles, his reiatsu emanating from his form. His long brilliant white hair whipping in the wind, his body encased in skin tight leather pants with thigh high boots. Instead of a measly Taichou's haori, you wear a long leather trench coat, barely buckled to keep it on your frame. Your shoulders are protected by silver pauldrons, your muscular form being displayed, exhibiting its perfection. As your theme song, One Winged Angel plays you hold your sword, Masamune aloft…"

"Sougyo No Kotowari," Ukitake mumbled.

"Huh?"

"My zanpakuto. Its name is Sougyo No Kotowari," he said as he finally blinked and looked away from the pictures. "I… I'm sorry. Do you have anything without so much leather? I'm not too comfortable showing so much skin," Ukitake blushed as his eyes kept roaming back to the picture of the silver-haired male.

The stylist ran a hand through her short spiky black hair as she blew out an aggravated breath. She was positive Ukitake would like the idea. Scanning the other portfolios on her work table, she gnawed on the inside of her mouth as she ran through her mental catalogue of white haired bad guys.

Ukitake jumped slightly as manicured nails dug slightly into his forearm. He shivered when he noticed an unholy light gleaming in the Bleach Lead-Stylist's eyes. Trying to extract himself from her death grip, he felt as if a bucket of ice water was thrown over him as a smaller binder with the words Sesshy-sama was openly tossed in front of him and the woman asked, "how do you feel about fur?"

A/N: If you haven't read the latest chapter and didn't head the major spoiler warning… whattaya doin here? If you have read the latest chapter, what do you think!

Mentions of Sephiroth (fangirl drool) from my beloved Final Fantasy VII fandom and the abstract mention of Sesshomaru from InuYasha belong to their respective owners. I claim no ownership on them.

Well, ladies and gents… hope you enjoyed this little piece of crack and I can't wait to see how this arc unfolds!