Wherever You May Hide

Just saw "Blue on Blue" and I love it. I love Spike angst but the whole package was there and it was awesome. This is kind of based off the middle scene (where Spike thought he'd lost the team) and the end (where Spike kind of took down the bad guy through the debrief.) Obviously some spoilers for "Blue on Blue," maybe some spoilers for "Game Day" (or is it Day Game, I've seen it both ways). I'm also putting a suicide warning on this but there's not any explicit talk of suicide, it's just this general gist of things that I've been seeing, it's more dark than anything. Just read it and remember that I don't own Flashpoint and that I'd love reviews.

The day was a long one. It was hard. Taxing, physically and mentally on each member of the team, but none more than Spike. He didn't even realize how hard it was until he sat down on the bench in the locker room after a long shower. He was glad to find the room silent as he changed quickly into his street clothes and sat to tie his shoes. Ed, Raf, Sam, and Jules had gone to The Goose for a while, Greg had to finish up some files and then wanted to spend some time with Dean. They'd tried to convince Spike to go get a drink, he'd caved in for a while and was planning on joining them but he couldn't.

It was almost a physical resistance. His body ached from the beatings it had taken, from the restraints and the tension. His body also felt the emotion though. Sure, it was in his mind, he was aware of all the feeling bubbling up just beneath the surface; he was barely able to keep a straight face. He knew that his voice had wavered and that his hands still had a subtle shake to them but he'd made it through the meeting and he'd made it back to the locker room. But he couldn't make it to the bar. Ed had tried to convince him, tried every argument he could think of. He'd joked with Spike, he'd tried to frame it in terms of how it would be good for him to let go of some tension, the bonding time, he'd even steeped to the 'I don't want you to be alone right now' argument but Spike had won out. His head ached and he was obviously exhausted so Ed finally relented and let him shower after promising that he'd go straight home and he'd call later.

But now...well Spike found himself sitting on the bench of the locker room unable to move. He wanted to leave, wanted to go home and eat and get a little drunk that way he'd be able to sleep. He wanted to escape the confession he'd made during their debriefing, wanted to run away and hide from that feeling of bringing pain to everyone he knew. What the team had said about needing him, it had helped a little bit but it didn't change the fact that he'd almost gotten them killed today. He'd almost gotten them killed like he let Lou die, like he'd let Mac die, like he'd let his father die without making amends. He knew the truth even if they didn't want to accept it, even if they didn't see the pattern. He was paralyzed by that pattern.

He didn't know what to do. He could go home and sleep and come back in the morning, all would be 'forgotten,' or at least not spoken about and maybe one day he'd lead the team, his friends, to their near deaths again. He could clean out his locker now, he didn't need to make a big show of it, didn't need to talk to anyone except Hollaran; he could just disappear. The team would be heartbroken, they probably wouldn't accept it at first and they'd come knocking at his door but he didn't have to answer, and they'd move on eventually.

But then was that really the issue? Was he really afraid of being the one leading them to their deaths? That was a part of it. But maybe he just couldn't stand losing someone else. He'd lost so many friends, so many people that he cared about and that had spent so much of their time caring for him, he didn't think he'd be able to weather that storm if he lost someone else.

Maybe that's why he didn't care anymore. Maybe that's why he was so stupid today and he said all those things to make David angry. No,youwerestallingsoSamcouldenter. His mind tried to rationalize as he shook his head. Butwhataboutbefore,whataboutwhenyouthoughttheyweregone? The other part of his conscious chimed in. If he'd been paying attention he would have heard the quiet footsteps coming to the locker room. He would have heard the heavy wooden door open and close and he would have heard a new presence enter the room but he didn't. He was so absorbed in his own thoughts that he didn't even realize he wasn't alone until someone placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"Spike?" A soft voice came from behind him. If he cared enough he might have jumped, been startled, some kind of reaction to the sudden addition of a body to his personal space; but he didn't, he just exhaled and kept his eyes fixed on the locker before him. "Spike, you okay buddy?" Greg's voice continued to interrupt his silence, his soft words striking Spike. His concern might have moved him once upon a time, might have made him feel wanted and loved, but today, after he just exploited that connection and put his friends in danger, it wasn't something he wanted to hear. "Spike...talk to me here buddy...is it your head?" Greg asked again with concern and a bit more urgency.

"No boss." Spike answered simply, no inflection in his tone, not turning to see the questioning man behind him.

"You sure you don't want to be checked out? I can drive you to a doctor, Spike." Greg offered his hand still on Spike's shoulder. The warmth of Greg's hand was now permeating through Spike's thin t-shirt, spreading up his neck and down into his chest. He hated it. He hated what that warmth symbolized, the care that came with it, the care and concern he was undeserving of. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he hung his head slightly, moving out of Greg's grasp but only further worrying the man. Greg stepped over the bench and sat down next to Spike, only a foot away, trying to give him his space but also be close, connected.

He'd been the first to see Spike, to finally confirm that he was okay, but he wasn't so sure when he saw him trying to talk down the subject. Sam had been in place and Greg had a clear shot but there was no reason that Spike should have put himself in the line of fire like he did, prompted the subject to raise his weapon and egged him on to take a shot at him. The exchange had worried Greg but he'd written it off as a result of an extremely stressful day. Spike had gone from his friend being in danger to himself being in danger, he thought that he saw the majority of the team die, and he saw one person murdered in cold blood. But as Greg sat next to the silent, shut down man, he began to rethink his evaluation. He knew that Spike was stubborn and that he could easily be caught up in his own mind for hours. While he would have preferred to wait for his young team member to say something, he knew that he needed to start the conversation.

"It's been a really long day, Spike. How you doing?" Greg said slowly, almost in a whisper, making Spike pay attention to the words.

"The EMTs said I was fine, no concussion." Again Spike's inflection was flat, he didn't look towards Greg or make any move to continue the conversation.

"I don't just mean your head Spike." Greg added meaningfully as Spike stiffened. "It must have been really tough to be so disconnected from the team today." There was a long pause. Greg wasn't sure if Spike was ever going to respond and had begun to rethink how he could approach the conversation before Spike responded systematically.

"Just another call. You guys got the signals, you got there in time, everyone's okay. Mission accomplished." Spike finished with an almost bitter tone. Greg nodded and thought carefully before speaking.

"Yeah. Everyone is okay and we can laugh about it now." Greg smiled and nodded as Spike inhaled. "but there were some close calls along the way." Greg felt the anxiety rise in him as he thought of the moment he couldn't rouse the team on the radio; the prospect that passed through his mind for a millisecond that maybe he was the only one of team one left standing. He quickly suppressed those thoughts and turned his attention back to Spike. "It was really scary to see the rest of the team go offline for a minute," He paused and saw Spike's muscles tense again, his eyes growing glassy. "must have been even worse for you. You couldn't talk to them, you didn't know if they were alright, you just had those little dots to go by." Spike nodded and took a ragged breath as Greg moved a few inches closer and put his hand on his back. "It's okay to accept that fear Spike, it's okay to let that out now." He reminded as he rubbed small circle on his back.

Spike was trying to hold back tears but was failing. Greg had hit that nerve and he knew it. There had been no time or energy during the crazy day to let out any of his emotion, anger was the only thing that surfaced. His throat was sore from yelling so much, screaming. His hands still shook from the tension, the strain and the pressure and the nerves, it was a wonder he could type the words and codes correctly but then again, adrenaline did funny things to you. He was still trying not to cry though. He hated crying, he'd done so much of it recently but only in the privacy of his room, away from the team and away from his mother. The stress was mounting again but he would deal with it on his own, just as he always had.

"Gotta say Spike, you worried me a lot this afternoon when you were trying to talk down David. It almost sounded like you wanted him to shoot you." Greg felt Spike tense again and felt him wanting to shift away but he kept his hand in place. He knew that he had to be there. "In Natalie's statement she said that right after the C4 blast and you thought that the team was gone you refused to follow David's orders, you told him that you'd rather him shoot you, is that true Spike?" Greg asked, a bit of concern seeping through again. Spike knew that he could have lied. There was no one that could be trusted in that room except for he and Natalie but he also knew that there was no way he'd get away with a lie to Greg.

"Yeah, that's true." Spike said softly, his voice wavering for a moment as he took a breath and held back tears. He still had refused to look over to his left, to look at Greg in the eye.

"I get it buddy, you were upset and hopeless and angry." Greg said strongly as Spike nodded. "But this isn't the first time you've really directly put your life on the line." Greg spoke softly again, gently, not wanting to start a confrontation. "I just need to know that you're okay. I gotta know that you're not going to go out there and do something stupid, you know?" He paused again and waited a moment, not getting any reaction from Spike. "I need to know that you value your life right now and you're not putting yourself into situations where it's threatened intentionally." He tried to word it as gently as possible but knew that it still came across bluntly.

"You saying that I put myself in this situation?" Spike asked with a bit of rising contempt.

"No." Greg said strongly as Spike finally looked up at him. "No, I'm not saying that you put yourself in this situation at all. The situation isn't the issue here Spike, it's the way you reacted."

There was another long pause as Spike breathed quickly, angrily and Greg waited for some kind of explosion. At this point he would almost be glad if Spike got angry at him, at least then he wouldn't be so apathetic, so disconnected. Spike never liked to acknowledge his emotions, most of the SRU didn't, but he didn't realize how much of an emotional being he was. He felt things deeply and he had a deep desire to help people, that was where the problem sometimes laid. He put his life on the line to dismantle a bomb and save the bomb-maker's life. He had tried to divert attention away from Natalie and told the subject to shoot him instead. A long time ago, it felt like ages now, he'd tried to convince the team that an Indiana Jones style weight transfer would save their friend from a land mine. Spike was a self-sacrificer and he needed someone to balance that.

"I was beyond angry." Spike began taking measured breaths and trying to keep calm. "And for a minute, when I thought the team was dead and I'd led them into that room, I didn't know if I wanted to see the end of the day." He said slowly. "When you got there I was just so overwhelmed by everything that I didn't see a way things could get better. It was rash, it was in the moment, it wasn't the best reaction but I...'value my life.'" He said, quoting Greg as he shook his head and rubbed his temples. "I think I'm just tired." He added.

"You been sleeping okay?" Greg had noticed the dark bags under Spike's eyes for a few weeks but had also written them off as Spike being a single young man who was probably out at night. Greg wondered vaguely about how much he was writing off as normal proceedings when they were really red flags when Spike shrugged.

"It's been okay. Ma's needed a lot of help around the house, she's still really upset." Spike added vaguely as Greg nodded, knowing that he was referring to his father's death.

"That must be really hard for both of you." Greg said as Spike bit at his lip and nodded. "I don't want to come off too strong here Spike," Greg cautioned and waited for his teammate to look at him before continuing. "but have you thought about finding someone to talk to?" Spike looked away at first, dismissing the idea as Greg knew he would. "I know that you guys don't really like the whole therapy idea but," Greg shrugged. "it might be nice to just talk to someone about everything." Spike almost laughed.

"What? You think I'm crazy? Unfit for duty?" He said harshly, anger and a bit of hurt in his voice.

"Not at all Spike. That's not at al what I'm thinking." Greg answered calmly and waited for Spike to look at him again. "I think you are so strong Spike. You take on so much and you never let it show. I think that you have these deep emotions that you've never let show to anyone and now they're coming up and you don't know what to do with them. I think that you're trying hard to be perfect in a world that isn't and I think you're putting up a great fight. I just don't want to see you burn yourself out. I don't want to see you fall because of all these things you don't have any control of." Greg paused and Spike seemed to nod slightly before he continued.

"You've got to be so tired and so drained and I don't know where you hide all of that pain and exhaustion but running away from it isn't he answer. Wherever you hide, it finds you and it hits at the worst times, trust me on that one." Greg knew that he had Spike's attention as he continued. "We need you Spike. You're one of the best officers we have and you are truly irreplaceable. I just want to make sure you can do this job for however long you want and not be held down by all these bad times in your life and all this anger that's building up. Does that make sense?" Greg asked as Spike sat up a bit.

"Yeah. Yeah it makes sense. I guess...I guess I just don't know where to start with this. I don't know what to do with all this...all this..." He raised his arms and seemed to be weighed down by all the feeling and anger and pain.

"I know buddy, I know." Greg said softly as he moved closer and put his arm around Spike's shoulders.

"No." Spike said feebly as he tried to move again from Greg's arm. "No. I know you guys don't believe me," He stood and moved a few paces away from Greg. "but everyone I get close to gets hurt and I don't want you to be one of those people, boss." Spike spoke innocently, almost like a child.

"You're right, Spike." Greg said as he got up. "I don't believe you and I don't care what you say. This job comes with its risks but being your friend is not one of them." Greg said as he pulls Spike into a hug. Tears start to run from the young man's eyes as he feels the full body of warmth that Greg emits. He feels it spread through his body and he feels some of the burden he's carried so long, leaving his body.

I've come to the conclusion that I rarely like my endings, but you tell me what you think. Please leave a review, they make my day. Also, this one is for Andorian. I owe her two reviews now but I wrote instead of reviewing and now it's almost 2 AM and I need to sleep...I didn't review but hows a dedication work as collateral? See you guys in the morning, it's officially Thanksgiving Day in the US so happy holidays if you're here celebrating!