When the Going Gets Tough

When did it start? When did I suddenly become more awkward with him? His smiling face, his azure eyes and his blonde hair-even his tail became more endearing! Why didn't he ever notice? Not exactly that I wanted him to, I mean. But, those lingering looks, the awkward silences, the almost too intimate touches. I was surprised that he didn't seem to take note of them.

Maybe it was the way he talked, his clear voice seeming to liven up a room. Probably because he was an actor before. Maybe it was the way that he smiled delightedly, almost proudly when he had won a battle. Maybe it was the way that, after a long day, he would claim to have a nightmare, and he'd say, "Bartz, no kidding, I had a terrifying nightmare and can I just stay here for a little bit?" Man, those times, after those excruciatingly lengthy days, we'd have long nights where we'd just talk and laugh and nearly wake up everyone else.

I'll say it straight—I don't think anyone will ever replace the feeling I get when I see him. When he's awake or asleep, grinning madly or looking somber, I can't help but get this light, fluttery feeling in me; this feeling that even though this war rages on, everything is right in the world. His beautiful, beautiful laugh that keeps me going in this hard time.

When he was next to me, one time, sleeping, I couldn't help myself. I put one hand in his hair, ruffling it slightly. His face was so, so innocent. And it was one kiss, one pair of lips that I brushed against his softly, almost tenderly; even when all I wanted to do was slam my lips into his so hard that they bruised.

And one time, that one time, he woke up. Just one time.

And it was that one time that he looked at me, something in his eyes saying—

Why?

I don't even know the answer to that myself. All I know is when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

I know. I'm not tough.

But I needed to leave, Zidane. It's not your fault. It's mine. My fault that I fell in love with you. My fault that you made me crazy with you. And especially my fault that I needed to leave. But there's one thing that won't be my fault.

Zidane, it won't be my fault if you miss me once I'm gone.