A/N: Hi. This is my first ever fanfic upload, yay me. It's a parody script, somewhat similar in format to The Editing Room's parody scripts. Thanks go to iheartmwpp for inspiring me to follow in her stead and write/rant about this movie.
Disclaimer: I do not own, nor want to own, any rights to "2012". I also do not own The Wizard of Oz, any quips shamelessly stolen from iheartmwpp, any intellectual property associated with GPS navigation products, "Money, Money, Money" by ABBA, "That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain, Chris Crocker's "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!" rant, Billy Mays' catch phrase "BUT I'M NOT DONE YET!", or that moldy sandwich in your fridge. Seriously, it's not mine. :(
The movie begins with eerie music over the normally cheerful Columbia logo. LENS FLARE #1 is born, delighting the Adobe After Effects crew. Oh look, some planets? This is one disproportionate solar system, if the planets are that close to the Sun.
SATURN: I'm thankful this cameo only lasts a few seconds.
Aaaaaand... back to the Sun.
SOLAR FLARE: I NEVER SAW PARIS!
Suddenly, we're not in Kansas any more.
AUDIENCE: Could you please shut up, there's enough foreshadowing in the movie as is.
Fine, fine. We're in India, at some random copper mine in 2009. Chiwetel Ejiofor, henceforth known by his character ADRIAN HELMSLEY, is forced to put on an American accent. He's reading something, presumably a BETTER SCREENPLAY THAN THIS ONE.
ADRIAN HELMSLEY: Hey, hey, watch out for the gaping plot hole! *pushes open car door and storms out*
TAXI DRIVER: Isn't the first, won't be the last...
A toy ship is shown listing severely to one side in a puddle, in no way foreshadowing anything that's to come. Greetings are shared, quips are made, and ADRIAN enters an INSTITUTE OF ASTROPHYSICS. In this movie, that means INSTITUTE OF FORESHADOWING AND IMPENDING DOOM.
SATNAM: I have a silly name. Please, call me SATNAV.
ADRIAN: Whatever you say, TomTom. Anyway, why the heck weren't you at this ambiguous conference I'm talking about?
SATNAV: YOU HAVE ARRIVED AT YOUR DESTINATION. Sorry, I'm set to Amsterdam - what I meant to say is that we need to go underground in this nasty lift. Deep underground. Eleven thousand feet, in fact.
ADRIAN: Sorry, what? Over 3 kilometres underground, in this thing? Do I need to mention how expensive such a lift would've cost, or how long the trip would take? Don't get me started on the number of safety briefings...
SATNAV: Stop thinking, sir. You won't last long. Anyway, despite how slowly this lift was moving, we're there already. It gets hot down here, but because you're pretending to be American and this is Hollywood, I'll quote the top temperature in Fahrenheit.
ADRIAN: So... what are we looking at?
COMPUTER: Beep beepity beep! I love beeping!
SATNAV: A screen covered in confusing diagrams, idiot. This here is also referred to as "technobabble". Things have been getting worse. Look at this...
COMPUTER #2: I beep more melodically!
SATNAV: Wait, why am I calling these "Sun eruptions"? They're friggin' solar flares. Oh right, we're meant to insult the audience's intelligence as much as possible, got it. Anyway, these bright things on the screen are bad. Very bad.
ADRIAN: My God...
And thus begins our "My deity" count.
SATNAV: But I'm not done yet... The doo-dads are causing problems with real life stuff!
ADRIAN: But doesn't that violate the laws of Physics?
SATNAV: You're not learning... Repeat after me: "The laws of Physics do not apply to fictitious nonsense."
ADRIAN: Whatever. Lead on.
SATNAV: Welcome to my giant water tank. It's just under 2km deeper.
ADRIAN: SRY WAT.
SATNAV: Those doo-dads are mutating into new stuff!
AUDIENCE: AHHHH, he said mutate!
SATNAV: They're boiling the earth from the inside, just like microwaves!
ADRIAN: *takes a deep breath* ...No. Microwaves work on water molecules on the exterior. You can't tell me there's lots of water in the centre of the earth, nor would such particles even have an effect that far in if they mutate upon hitting solid matter, as you claim.
SATNAV: According to Jules Verne, there's giant caves and stuff down here. Fun!
The water in the tank bubbles, despite only extending to 5km below the surface. Aaaaaaand... we cut to some fancy hotel in Washington.
Oliver Platt A.K.A. CARL ANHEUSER: Money, money, money/Must be funny/In the rich man's world...
ADRIAN approaches some GUARDS WITH EARPIECES.
ADRIAN: I need to get in, look at my credentials!
EARPIECE GUARD #1: That don't impress me much. The guys here are wearing black ties. I hope you realise how important black ties are. Very.
ADRIAN: *points* You! You look like you know me.
SCOTTY: I know you, you're the main support actor! How'd you get back here so fast?
ADRIAN: I need to speak to Anheuser. Instead of asking to speak to him outside, I'd rather forcefully take your jacket, please.
SCOTTY: Leave my poor cheap jacket ALONE!1!
ADRIAN approaches CARL, but still insists on calling him by his LAST NAME.
ADRIAN: Mr Anheuser, I have something important to tell you, but you won't care.
CARL: You're right. How about a bit of patronisation and casual dismissal, will that work, my little munchkin?
ADRIAN: OMFG plz reed it? ;-; I... I'z came here frm faraway land, jst 2 sho yew! :3
EVERYONE stops talking. AWKWARD SILENCE ensues.
CARL: Is that supposed to make this important? You're cute when you're upset. Have a cookie.
CARL dons his OLD MAN GLASSES and reads the report. He is almost on the verge of a facial expression.
CARL: You work for McDonald's now. You're gonna wish you took a shower.
ADRIAN: Sry wat?
CARL: You stink really bad.
A/N: Thought I should end the first chapter here, around seven and a quarter minutes into the two hours and thirty-seven minutes(!). Review if at all possible (because only a small portion of readers ever do), and I'll probably have the next one ready in a few days, to post next Friday (unless there's significant interest in receiving chapters earlier, the only condition being that I can't guarantee I'll be able to without fail). Kthxbai.