a/n:

This fic is flooded with sap that my plot bunny drowned to death. (R.I.P. Terminator) If you are easily nauseated or suffer from diabetes, this fic ain't for yer. It is overly lovey dovey sickly sweet nonsense. There are more mistakes in this thing than freckles on Jensen's face. In other words, it's presented to you shamelessly unbetaed. Covering you with disgusting saliva soaked kisses for reading this far. You must be more nuts than me. Please read the whole thing. I would like to hope Terminator didn't die in vain. Ta ta.

Devotion

"I hate you."

Jared stared at Jensen, eyes darkening with scorn. Jensen was shocked. What had he done to piss Jared off so badly, that the guy hated him?

"Jared, what's wrong?"

I can't do this, Jen. I thought I could. But I can't. I can't be near you. I can't put up with you, anymore. This is not gonna work out.

Jensen stepped forward, panic setting in. He reached out to gently touch Jared, only to have his hand violently slapped away. Jensen held his smarting hand to his chest, regarding Jared with dismay.

"Don't fucking touch me." Jared glared at him "Don't you get it? Are you that dense? I don't like it when you put your fucking disgusting fingers on me. It makes my skin crawl. Makes me wanna throw up. Don't you understand?"

"Jared, please" Jensen choked out, eyes misting "don't do this. What did I do? Why are you so angry with me?"

Jared looked away, irritated, shaking his head as if he couldn't believe he had to spell it out. He turned back to Jensen, determination in his eyes.

"I wanted to see what it was like, alright. I wanted to see what it was like to fuck you. And you looked like you put out for everyone; I mean you got the face for it. So I figured it wouldn't be a problem. If I'd only known the kind of shit I'm getting myself into, I wouldn't have bothered. I mean, do you have any idea how annoying you are. Always near me, on set, at home, at the pub. You're everywhere. The sex is okay, I guess. But not good enough for me to put up with your infuriating presence twenty-four seven. I just had no idea how fucking clingy you are."

"Jared." Jensen has barely enough strength to whisper. "You're messing with me, right. You've gotta be. I thought everything was going just fine. I thought you cared about me. I thought you loved me."

"DID I EVER TELL YOU THAT? DID I EVER GIVE YOU THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU WERE ANYTHING OTHER THAN A BED WARMER? COS I NEVER ONCE SAID THAT I LOVED YOU, DID I? ANSWER ME, DID I?"

Jensen flinched at the way Jared shouted at him, the way Jared looked at him, eyes dripping with pure hatred and nothing else.

"No." Jensen concurred, realizing that they had never spoken about love at all.

"Maybe you're just that fucking dumb." Jared spat out, venomously "So I'll break it down for you. I can barely tolerate you. You are not capable of being liked. So love is out of the question. Do you understand me?"

Jensen wanted to speak. He opened his mouth. But his voice wouldn't work. He just stood there, angry and heartbroken. He couldn't believe he was actually crying in front of someone who was being so horrible to him. Then he realized something that he wasn't to pleased about discovering, I love him and he doesn't love me. Jared looked at Jensen, taking in Jensen's tears and silent pleading…and he scrunched his eyes, closed.

"Seriously, dude. Stop embarrassing yourself, okay. Just get a life and get out of mine."

Jared picked up Jensen's overnight bag and suitcase, threw them out the door and turned, to look questioningly at the blond haired man.

"You've overstayed your welcome. Get the fuck out of my house, please."

Jared stood there, arms folded stubbornly as Jensen walked past him and out the door. Jensen winced when the door flung shut. He just stood there, in the Canadian downpour, moon barely visible, his heart banging in his chest. He was alone again after months of living with Jared. He drove Jared away. It was his fault. The man who loses his millions because he gambled it away, might probably feels like me right now, he thought. He heard Jared call out to him.

"Coffee's getting cold. Get your ass out of bed."

Jensen's eyes flew open. He looked around, gasping, disorientated.

"You've gotta be…I can't fucking…" Jensen whispered to himself "It was a fucking dream? A nightmare?"

"Jen, you wanna spend the weekend in bed, man?"

Jared shouldered his way into the room, clad in a white bathrobe, and freshly showered, carrying two steaming mugs of coffee, and a donut in his mouth. He was smiling around the donut until his eyes landed on Jensen. The boy looked drained and…were those tears? Jared quickly dumped everything on the side table and rushed to Jensen's side.

"Hey, baby." Jared whispered, soothingly, holding Jensen's tear-soaked face in his hands, wiping away salty droplets with soft touches "Bad dream? s'okay. You a'right, now."

Jensen gawked at Jared's anxiety-stricken face. So soft and open and warm. Not at all like the Jared in his dreams. Jensen watched as that face softened even further, a knowing look in those jade eyes.

"Was it about me?"

Jensen just looked away. The taller man placed large but surprisingly gentle fingers under Jensen's chin, forcing the blond to look at him.

"What did I do to you, baby?" Jared asked, softly "Did I hit you? Oh man, please tell me I didn't hit you."

Jensen saw the terror in Jared's eyes. The shorter man shook his head, lowering his eyes and he could practically feel Jared's body deflate with relief.

"Then, what did I do to make you cry like that." Jared prodded him, further "Did I rape you?"

Jensen snorted at the nastiness of Jared's tone. Then he remembered the dream and blurted without thinking.

"Am I bad in bed?"

He was already looking down at his fingers. Now he just shrank into himself, willing himself to disappear. He was mortified.

"Look at me, Jen." the seriousness in Jared's tone made Jensen's heart sink. He did as he was told. The look of abject distress on Jared's face was heartbreaking.

"Jen, what did you dream? Tell me, now."

Jensen looked at him with pleading eyes (don't put me through this, Jay), before taking a deep breath. It was one those crystal clear dreams that stay with you, even after you've woken up. Jensen realized, while recounting the dream, that he remembered so many details. He made a conscious effort not to look at Jared. It was embarrassing enough that he'd gotten so upset over a bad dream (like a fucking five year old) but to look at the evitable snigger that was going to be plastered on Jared's face of the rest of the day…he blushed like a strawberry, just thinking about it.

"You lied to me." Jared's voice could have cut metal. Jensen looked up, confused.

"What?"

"I said you lied to me." Jared said, sternly "I asked you if I hit you in my dream. You said that I didn't."

"You didn't."

"I slapped your hand away."

"It was just a dream."

"No, it wasn't. Something about the two of us together is bothering you. That's why you had that dream. And I think I know what it is."

Jensen looked up at him, eyes limpid. Jared gathered the blond into his embrace, tendering wrapping his arms around Jensen.

"You wanna know if I'm sleeping with you for the fun of it."

The directness of the question frightened Jensen. For one lunatic second he wondered if he was still dreaming.

"No." Jared continued, still starring intently into Jen's eyes. "I'm making love to you because; it's the closest I can get to touching your soul. Because what I feel for you is not love. I've experienced love with Sandy and it's a beautiful thing. But this isn't it. This is not love. It's more. I don't know what it is but it overwhelms me. I'm addicted to you, Jen. I need you, like a dying man needs life, baby. That's why I never said I loved you. Because I love a lot of things. But what I feel for you…I don't wanna cheapen it by calling it love. You own me, now Jen. I'm your property."

Jared broke Jensen's gaze and looked away. There is a list of certain things one dude should never say to another. Jared could, bloody well, cross off at least four things on that list. Everything he'd said was true. But that didn't stop Jared from feeling like a sappy asshole. Relief washed over him when Jensen slowly leaned forward and tenderly took the taller man's lower lips between his, suckling before covering Jared entire mouth with his. That's all the encouragement Jared needs. Apparently, Jensen likes saps. Jared pushes his tongue deep into Jen's mouth, easing him down onto his back, pushing away the bedclothes. Jensen fluttered as Jared kissed him all over, lovingly undressing the smaller man as he went. Finally, Jared had Jensen exactly the way he wanted him, naked and trembling.

Jared stood up, looming over Jensen's prone body, determination in his eyes. He undid his robe, throwing it off his shoulders, to pool in a heap at his feet. Carefully, he lowered himself onto Jensen's body.

"Forgive me." Jared said, raspily.

"You didn't do anything." Jensen argued.

Jared grabbed the lube from the drawer, opening it with shaky fingers. Damn, he hated this part. Prying Jensen open, stretching him, watching his face for any signs of distress. Jared hated the thought that he might get it wrong and hurt Jensen later. The whole thing seemed like surgery. He couldn't be clumsy, couldn't afford to hurt his baby. By the time, he was fully sheathed inside Jensen's tight body; he was a bundle of nerves. He nuzzled against the crook of Jensen's neck and after a while Jensen wondered if his boyfriend had fallen asleep.

"Do you need instructions, Jay?

"Forgive me."

Jensen's lopsided smile melted. Poor baby, Jensen had forgiven him as soon as he'd realized that it was all a dream. However…

"And if I don't." the lopsided smile was back.

Jared raised his head, looked into Jensen's smirking face. The blond was surprised at how grown up Jared seemed all of a sudden. Jared reached out for the lighter, lit the coral red candle, Sandy had left behind. It had remained unlit until now. Jensen shot Jared a bemused 'Are-you-fucked-in-the-head' look.

"Forgive me." Jared asked voice gravelly. Man, could he look more serious. Jensen was intrigued.

"And if I don't." Jensen repeated, snarkily, putting a lot of emphasis on the "don't"

Jared immediately placed the palm of his hand over the flame.

"Then, I'll punish myself."

"Jared! No!" Jensen shouted, upset, trying to grab at the hand, but Jared went on his knees pulling the blond into his lap, fully impaling the struggling man. Jensen's eyes widened and he went on his tiptoes despite sitting in Jared's lap. How could Jared find that fucking spot in the first go? Then he smelled burning flesh. He looked up into Jared's face.

"Forgive me." the tone was beseeching now, as if everything he was and had depended on whether Jensen forgave him.

"I forgive you, you fucking idiot."

Jared's hand was trembling. Tears rolled down his cheeks.

"You mean it."

"Yes, I mean it, you lunatic." And now, Jensen's eyes are sparkling with tears.

"You won't leave me."

"I won't leave you."

"You swear?"

"I swear, you son of a bitch, I swear." Jensen's frantic now.

"Do you love me?" the fear with which the question was asked, the tears in Jared's pleading eyes stilled Jensen. Then he spoke.

"Until we find a better word for it, yes I love you."

Jared closed his eyes, removing his hand from the flame. Jensen closed his eyes relieved, wrapping his arms around Jared's broad shoulders. He mentally tried to locate the first aid kit. The words 'First Degree Burns' kept flashing in his head like a neon sign. Then he realized; Jared was still hard inside of him. Jensen smiled softly to himself and raised himself until Jared's manhood was halfway out of him. Then he helplessly dropped himself down, burying his lover inside of him.

He did this again and again, making needy, vulgar noises, so desperate for it. Jared was engorged now, helplessly aroused, taking in the Jensen's frantic gyrations. Jensen's breathing was irregular. He was soaked in sweat. He looked into Jared.

"Help me." he asked, feebly "Wanna come. Please"

Jared pushed Jensen onto his back and slammed into the smaller man's body with such ferocity that anybody listening in would have thought that Jared had hit Jensen. Jensen held on now, having intentionally aroused Jared to the point of insanity. Knowing Jared, he'd wanna 'make it last' but that hand needed to be looked at. So this is the only way. Not to say Jen wasn't enjoying it. How the hell could Jared find that fucking spot when he didn't even bother looking for it? Their bodies were sliding together, slick with sweat, making it more difficult to grab onto each other.

"More, Jared" Jen gasped, voice pained and strangled, "please push it in deep. Need to come so bad."

"Few more minutes, baby" Jared strained, "just a few more minutes."

The thrusting got faster, Jensen's legs pulling Jared up into him. Jared's hips were practically moving on their on accord, Jared simply holding on for dear life. Jensen was dangerously close.

"Come with me, baby"

And Jared obediently did as he was told, orgasm rippling through him like an electrical storm. Jensen came at the feel of Jared's cum spurting inside of him, back arching, wantonly. Jared pushed in very deep and held it there, watching fascinated as the beautiful man underneath him went completely slack. Jared smiled and pulled out of Jensen, rolling over, ready to sleep.

"Don't you fucking sleep you mad man." Jensen said, throatily "do you even have a first aid kit."