Chapter 3

Spencer went to the cathedral early the next day to attend the morning mass. To his disappointment it wasn't Father Hotchner delivering the sermon but another priest. Reid tried to listen to his words but not only did his mind drift, he also started to feel dizzy again. When people grabbed the chant books lying in front of them and stood up, Reid took the opportunity to slip out of the building. Outside he leaned against the church door and took deep breaths.

The fresh air helped and after a few minutes he felt like he was able to go back into the cathedral, when he saw a familiar figure standing a few feet away.

"Father Hotchner", he greeted the priest.

When the man turned around and just smiled at him, Reid realized that he had never introduced himself.

"I'm so sorry. My name is Spencer Reid"

"Good to see you again, Mr. Reid"

"Good to see you too, Father."

They stood there for a few moments looking at each other, Reid's hands fumbled nervously. "Why are you out here?" he finally asked.

The priest's face didn't betray any emotions but Spencer felt like he had said something wrong. "I'm so…" he started to apologize but a sudden onset of trembling stopped him mid sentence.

"Are you alright?" Hotchner asked and rushed to his side.

"I'm okay", Spencer hissed through gritted teeth, "Just withdrawal symptoms"

"Do you need a doctor?"

"I am a doctor"

The priest frowned but didn't enquire further. "Should I call someone?"

"No. Don't call anyone", Reid had to bend forward as a cramp hit him. He coughed. "I don't have… anyone"

The priest laid a hand onto his back and the warmth it poured into Spencer distracted him from the pain.

"Come with me", he said when Reid's breathing had somewhat normalized. Spencer followed the man behind the cathedral, into a building attached to the church. When the Father opened a door with his name on it, he realized it was the dormitory of the priests.

Hotchner made him lay down on a couch that stood at the edge of the large room, went to the kitchenette opposite of it and brought back a glass of water. Spencer took a few sips and felt himself relax.

"Thank you, Father", he said.

"You're welcome, Dr. Reid", the priest said and sat down on a chair next to the couch.

"Please drop the doctor; I don't know why I said that"

"Alright", the priest said and looked at him with an earnest expression.

"I don't know…" Reid repeated. He mumbled the words all over again until he sunk back on the couch and stared at the ceiling. "Do you have any idea what it feels like to know everything and all of a sudden to know nothing at all anymore?"

"I'm not sure I do", the priest said, "Would you like to tell me?"

"I do. That's another thing that changed, another thing that makes me question myself. I was never one to talk to other people about my problems. I always thought if I didn't talk about it, it would go away. Of course it never did but why should I bother other people with…" he trailed off. After a moment he cleared his throat and started again, "But since that night I showed up in the cathedral, I want to talk. I want to talk to you"

"I'm glad you feel this way. You can trust me with anything, that's what I'm here for"

"I have an IQ of 187, I can read 20,000 words per minute and I have an eidetic memory. I graduated high school at 12. I am what people call a genius but at the moment I'm not sure what to think, what to believe in any more. With that one incident everything changed. I never drank alcohol, I always told my mother to quit smoking but here I am recovering from an addiction to dilaudid"

"But you were forcibly addicted to it, weren't you?"

"Does that really make a difference?" Spencer mumbled, more to himself than to the priest. He coughed again before speaking, "There's something else. Something really stupid"

"I'm sure it's not"

"I told you about the light I saw and the warmth I felt… In a way I felt loved. It's strange because I don't really know how that feels like but it was similar to the feeling I had when my mother had a good day and spent time with me. I felt happy. And I think… I was in heaven"

Spencer looked up at the priest unsurely. The man reached out and took Spencer's hands in his.

"That's stupid, right?"

"No, it's not. Maybe you were in heaven, maybe you weren't"

"Whatever it was, I felt good. And then I got torn back to earth, to reality. Where everything was cold and dark and painful", Spencer felt himself tear up. "I'm sorry", he said and wanted to sit up, but the priest gently pushed him down again.

"There is no need for you to apologize. You don't have to be ashamed to have feelings and you can let yourself be vulnerable here. This", he said and gestured around, "is your safe place. Your sanctuary, if you will."

"I'd like that", Spencer said but moved his hands away from the priest's to rub at his eyes. "But don't you understand? I think back to those few minutes I was dead with wistfulness. That was why I continued using the drugs. It made being alive a little easier. Don't you get what an ungrateful person I am?"

Father Hotchner shook his head. When he looked at Reid, there were so many emotions in his dark eyes, the younger man's breath caught in his throat and he had to cough again. "Mr. Reid, what you are telling me, the way you think, the way that you feel; show me that you are a truly good person. I personally believe that there are no bad people; that there are just people giving in to the dark side that is in all of us. But you… you are the most pure person I have ever met"

Spencer chuckled but Hotchner's face was serious as he looked at him in awe. Spencer blushed and sat up. "I've got to get going"

"Of course", the priest said and stood. "I'll see you out"

They were almost all the way out of the dormitory when the black haired man told Reid to wait. He rushed towards a rack filled with pamphlets and leaflets and fished a light blue brochure out.

"I think this might be of interest to you", he said and handed it to Spencer.

"Faith Formation" he read.

"I'm not trying to convert you or anything but you told me you were not certain what to believe and there are inquiry meetings that might help you."

"Thank you", Spencer said and smiled.

"If you have any questions about… well, about anything, I suggest you talk to Father Neil. He's the one who held the mass today"

Reid's smile vanished. "Why not to you?"

"Father Neil is… more experienced than I am. Especially in the study of the Bible"

"I know the Bible by heart. I don't mean to be rude, but discussing a book is not really what I am looking for here"

"I'm sorry", the priest said as he opened the door for Spencer, he himself remained in the doorway. "But I'm not sure I'm the right person for you to talk to"

Reid frowned but before he could think of anything to say, the priest had nodded and returned into the dormitory.