Author's note: Fairly obviously I don't own the rights to any of the characters in this fic. If I did I would be living comfortably off my millions rather than scraping by on my meager student earnings. These characters belong to the good folks at Warner Brothers, to whom I am very grateful.

The Hangover

"Gooood morning Gotham City! And it looks like it's gonna be a beautiful day today. You're here with me…"

Jonathan Crane groaned and slapped the radio alarm. He rolled over to go back to sleep, but rolled out of bed instead. Grumbling quietly to himself, Jonathan got up, stretched, rubbed his eyes and checked the time. 11:16 am. Sigh.

"Jervis" Jonathan prodded the man lying fully dressed on the bed next to him. Nothing. "Jervis!" A muffled groan. "Jervis, get up. I need you to help me remember what happened last night. " Jervis just rolled over and covered his head with his arm. Jonathan gave up and went out into the main room.

Picking his way carefully through the prone figures, empty pizza boxes and drink cans littering the floor, Jonathan tried to remember the events of the previous night but his pounding headache and churning stomach made thinking difficult. As he stepped gingerly over Edward Nygma, who was sprawled on the carpet, Edward stirred, sat up and stretched.

"Ow", he said.

"I concur", replied Jonathan. "Could you do me a favour?"

"What do you need?"

"I need you to wake the Joker for me. You'd better take this." Jonathan handed him a broom. "I'll make coffee".

Edward took the broom and nudged the Joker, who was snuggled up with Harley Quinn on the lounge, maintaining a safe distance on the other side of the coffee table as he did so. Without waking, the Joker slashed the air with the knife he slept with. Edward poked him again, harder this time. The Joker sat up with a snarl, eyes bloodshot. "Calm down", Edward said wearily. "Coffee's on. I'm going to wake Dent." He stumbled into the bathroom. There was the sound of a shower running, then Harvey Dent's outraged yells. The Joker turned the TV on mute.

"Morning Puddin' " yawned Harley, sitting up next to the Joker and resting her head on his shoulder. Edward emerged from the bathroom followed by a dripping wet Harvey toweling himself off. "Quite how you managed to sleep in that bathtub, I'll never know." Edward remarked.

Harvey's reply was muffled through the towel he was wiping his face with. The Joker and Harley looked over from the couch and Harley smothered a giggle. "What?" asked Harvey.

"Nothing" squeaked Harley, shaking with repressed laughter. The Joker was sniggering too. Looking over at the kitchen, Harvey saw Edward and Jonathan smirking at him.

"What?" he demanded.

Edward grinned and shook his head. What Harvey couldn't see was that someone had written TWAT across his forehead in thick black letters. Jonathan ducked his head to hide his smile and turned to open the fridge. His smile turned to a yelp, though, and he straightened up with the milk carton in one hand and a plastic bag in the other. "Alright," he snapped, "who put these ears in the fridge?"

The Joker glanced up from the TV. "Oh, those might be mine." He said casually.

"Where did you get them?" cried the exasperated Scarecrow.

"Well, it's difficult to say." The Joker scratched his chin. "I mean, I see so many ears and fingers and teeth from so many people that they become a bit of a blur."

"Well for God's sake, next time put them on the bottom shelf. They've leaked all over the cheese." Jonathan put the bag of ears on the draining board.

Harvey sat on the couch next to Harley and flicked through the channels idly. "Hey! I was watching that" protested the Joker.

"I think you can live without ' My Little Pony' for a few minutes" retorted Harvey. The Joker harrumphed but said nothing, only sat and glared at the news reader with his arms folded. Edward came over and sat in an unoccupied lounge chair, first moving a pizza box from the seat. He opened it and examined the contents, took out a slice and tossed the box aside.

Jervis appeared in the doorway to the bedroom, blonde hair tousled. "Good morning Sunshine" said Jonathan.

"Is it?" grunted Jervis, grimacing at the shooting pain in his head.

"You're really not a morning person, are you?" Jonathan pushed a cup of milky tea along the bench at him. "Drink this, you'll feel better." Jervis sipped his tea and sighed with relief.

"Hey, take a look at this" called Harvey suddenly. Everyone crowded around to look at the TV which Harvey had turned off mute, although he kept the sound low. As they watched the news report, Jonathan felt a wave of nausea that he was fairly sure was unrelated to his massive hangover.

"Gotham is reeling in the wake of a crime spree unlike anything that has been seen before. Several of the city's most notorious criminals banded together to cause chaos, hitting several high-profile targets including the First National Bank. So far there have been no reported deaths although several people were hospitalised including a police detective whose ears were brutally severed."

The Joker glanced somewhat sheepishly at the draining board.

"While the random nature of the attacks have left the police at a loss for a motive, there is the suggestion that alcohol may have been a contributing factor. In other news…"

Harvey turned the TV off. There was a pause while everyone digested what they'd just seen. The Joker broke the silence. "Well, that clears that up then."

"I wonder what happened to all that money" mused Harvey. He spotted a receipt for a liquor shop poking out of Jervis' pocket and grabbed it. "Oh" he said. Jonathan, by this point, was feeling decidedly unwell. He put his face in his hands and turned away.

"Where are you going?" asked Harley.

Jonathan pulled on a long coat and a pair of dark glasses. "We're out of milk" he replied.