A/N: For those who reviewed the last chapter. Because y'all made publishing my story a joy. Enjoy the last long chapter...unless I change my mind.

Pein was having a very, very bad day.

First, he had been informed that Akatsuki was officially broke; even Kakuzu's secret stash that had remained untouched for over three centuries (okay, that might be a slight exaggeration, but no one knew for sure since everyone who had previously seen it was currently dead) had been drained. Needless to say, he'd gotten an earful on proper budgeting and leadership procedure.

Next, Madara had learned Itachi let the nine tails go without even a "proper fight." It didn't bear repeating the lecture he'd gotten on controlling minions. (To which he had wanted to respond, "What about controlling family?")

Then Konan got into a snit because apparently he'd forgotten some important "this is the first day the three of us stole fish together" anniversary among the previous travesties. She left crying; apparently he didn't miss his best friend like she did.

On top of all this, Pein had a mountain of paperwork to do (yes, mountain, it was already starting to petrify).

He also had one zinger of a headache.

...and an overwhelming urge to get Deidara to blow everything up, him included.

But Pein was nothing if not a survivalist, so he had begun dutifully signing signatures on checks they weren't good for.

It was in the middle of this very awful, no good, deplorable day that Itachi decided to kill everyone. So, after breaking it up (the Uchiha was currently a paper mummy, thanks to Konan's assistance) and salvaging the paperwork that wasn't burnt, blood covered, or soaked/partially disintegrated, all male members of Akatsuki (minus Itachi, who was still indisposed) stood before the desk of a livid Leader-sama.

Pein pinched the bridge of his nose so hard he knew it was going to snap any second. Unfortunately, the headache refused to abate. "I want a reasonable, logical explanation for why you all were attempting to kill each other. And I want it NOW." Sometimes he felt like a parent to these morons who were mostly older than he was. This kind of behavior was normal, except for Itachi. Pein counted on him to be mildly intelligent at all times, and the Uchiha usually surpassed that expectation- except for now.

"He was trying to kill us, un!" Deidara offered.

"I need a new sacrifice, it's been too long-" Hidan started.

"So you just started trying to kill us too?" Sasori asked with imperial indignance.

"Hidan's an idiot, we knew that before; the problem is-"

"TOBI IS A GOOOOD BOY!"

"SILENCE!" Pein ordered. Immediately, everyone was quiet. "Kisame, you first. What happened?" he sighed.

"Why me? I had nothing to do with this," Kisame muttered.

"Because," Pein drawled out annoyed, "as Itachi's partner you should know what set him off."

"Oh." Kisame said, stalling.

Pein narrowed his eyes; the man was acting guilty. Surely, he would know not to upset the Uchiha by now, Pein thought. "Begin," he commanded, exasperated. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Zetsu take Hidan and Tobi aside. It looked like they were playing cards or folding origami; Pein decided not to ask questions at this point. Probably, he should be upset that they weren't cowering with fear, or even paying attention, but relief from the two most juvenile was indeed most welcome and overwhelmed any sense of frustration towards the three Pein felt. The others, however...

"We were running low on funds..." Kisame started.

"Yes, that's obvious. Get to the point."

"We were running out of money so Kakuzu decided to enter a writing contest," Kisame rushed out.

"And?" Pein prodded.

"And he had to write about a romance about real people."

Pein's eyebrow twitched. Impossible. No one would ever be so stupid... He looked to Kakuzu for an explanation, and hopefully a denial of what was going through his head just then.

"I didn't write it, Deidara and Sasori did."

Pein turned his "I'm-extremely-displeased-with-your-stupidity-and-am-currently-debating-the-pros-and-cons-of-killing-you-this-instant" glare on the artists. "Expound," he commanded them, making sure to enunciate clearly for effect.

"Kakuzu was the one who decided that we had to use Itachi and Konan. He forced us to write it, un!" Deidara protested.

Normally, Pein would have lost it at this point, and dealt punishments, but currently he was too busy choking on his tongue. "Itachi and K-konan?"

Everyone nodded.

"In l-love?"

Everyone nodded except Kisame who muttered, "Actually, they were enjoying a state of marital bliss until some idiot killed Itachi-san off and left Konan raising their child alone."

That was just too much for Pein to handle, and he began choking in earnest. A Heimlich maneuver later, and Pein's breathless gasps were replaced with some impressive coughing, which lead to manic laughter. That's right. For the first time in a long time, Pein laughed, and laughed, and cackled like he never had before. In that moment of insane belly laughter, all of the stresses and weights on his shoulders seemed to melt away-his paperwork entirely forgotten.

Once he regained enough breath and composure, he said, "Let me get this straight. Kakuzu decided that the solution to our financial woes was to enter a romance writing contest with a story based on Itachi and Konan falling in love?" He relapsed into cackles for another minute. "And you two," he pointed to Deidara and Sasori, "wrote this story-in which they got married and had a kid?!" After taking a moment to guffaw a bit, he continued. "And Kisame, you read this story?"

There was silence until Kisame shrugged, "Itachi dies before the kid is born, but otherwise...Well, yeah."

"What kind of idiots are you?!"

"We prefer to think the genius kind, un," Deidara ventured.

Pein stopped basking in the brilliant stupidity of it all to fix him with a glare. "It was a purely rhetorical question."

The artist had the sense to look abashed. "Oh."

"Yeah." Pein paused for a second, not really sure how to go on. "So out of curiosity, how did Itachi find out about this? You all didn't show it to him did you?!"

Sasori drew himself up to his full height, which was, of course, still woefully short. "Of course not. We may be stupid, but we aren't dumb."

Deidara looked down at him perplexed. "There's a difference?"

"Of course there's a difference. Haven't you been taught anything during your time here?"

"What's the difference then, un?"

"Writing a love story about Itachi and Konan and entering it into a contest was stupid, showing it to Itachi or Konan would have been dumb."

"Because they would have killed us, un?"

"Exactly," Sasori beamed with the pride of a teacher who's least bright student has just mastered the concept he was trying to teach.

Waving a hand, Pein asked, "So how did he find out?"

The others looked to Kisame, who tried to shrink into the shadows. Being a six foot tall shark-man, however, he failed. Giving up on avoiding the question, he finally sighed and explained, "The contest was being held in Konoha. So I got to be the lucky carrier pigeon. Yes," he looked pointedly at Kakuzu, "I convinced them our story was the best. They gave me the prize money, and Itachi didn't suspect anything." Kisame fished in his pocket and dropped a wad of bills on Pein's desk.

"But?" he prompted.

Kisame sighed again and continued. "But, someone forgot to mention that part of winning was the book deal awarded afterwards-"

"Of course there was a book deal, you fool!" Kakuzu snarled. "Do you think I would have done something like this for a mere 3,000 yen?! I was counting on the royalties the book would bring in!"

Pein blinked. 3,000 yen? Kakuzu had insisted on entering the contest-risking death by the Uchiha-when they were only guaranteed 3,000 yen? His former anger and stress started to boil back up. But just as he was about to open his mouth and tell the idiot what he thought of him, Kisame snapped back.

"Well you could have told me they would start printing the next morning after changing the story into some-"

"THEY CHANGED THE STORY!" The authors bellowed simultaneously.

"Yes!" Kisame yelled back, equally indignant. "Into this-this travesty!" He threw a book into the debris of what had been Pein's paperwork.

There was a collective, horrified gasp as they perceived the cover. Kakuzu, Deidara, and Sasori were mourning what had been done to their "masterpiece." Pein was shocked to see "Konan," his childhood friend, portrayed as some barely-dressed floosy in Itachi's arms. It was an image he really wanted to un-see.

"Finally," Hidan said from the corner he had been lounging in beside Zetsu and Tobi. "It's about-" "Tobi is a GOOD boy!" " -time this got interesting."

"I didn't approve thi-" Kakuzu started

"We didn't write a comedy!" Sasori growled.

"WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO OUR ART!" Deidara wailed.

White Zetsu shook his head. "No wonder Itachi went berserk. Have they no respect for him or Konan?"

Scoffing, Black Zetsu agreed. "We should eat them for their insolence!"

"Silence!" Pein yelled. When the room quieted again and the three in the corner had gone back to what they had been doing, he continued. "You're telling me that you didn't write this lewd novel to make money?" The four before his desk started to answer at once. Quickly, Pein held up a hand. "Kakuzu first."

"Of course not," Kakuzu spat. "I wanted to win the contest. I wouldn't try to do that with this trash."

"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi thinks you should not call other people's work trash!"

"I will when it's what they've done to my copyright!"

The great Leader-sama was tempted to let them fight this one out. Unfortunately, one could not be a great "Leader-sama" with no one to lead. So, not bothering with yelling this time, he used his awesome Leader-sama powers to knock them off their feet, just because he got some sadistic enjoyment out of it. "Kisame?"

"This is not the manuscript I turned into the publisher," the shark man confirmed from his position stuck in the wall.

"Out of curiosity, which publisher sponsored the contest?"

Kakuzu attempted a shrug. Deidara yanked his arm out of the drywall, scratched his head, and muttered something about defiled art. Sasori looked bored. Awkwardly, the only sound in the room was Hidan cussing out Toby in the corner for doing something Pein was pretty sure he didn't want to know about. Kisame cleared his throat, and stared at Samehada as he said, "I think it might have been the one that publishes those orange books Itachi's brother's sensei is so fond of. Doesn't the company belong to that Sanin? The one with the frogs?"

Blinking, Pein let the pieces click into place. So the Sanin's publishing company was looking for an original story to publish, decided to use a contest to find said story, Kakuzu had seen the notice for the contest and made Sasori and Deidara enter it, somewhere along the line Kisame had been roped into proofing and delivering the manuscript-with strict orders to make sure it won the contest, Itachi had found the Icha, Icha version of the story...and they had the gall to act surprised about his wrath? Blankly, Pein stared at the S-rank criminals before him. They seemed so...childlike, so sincere. It was odd. Like-like they hadn't known. Suddenly, the last piece fit into place and Pein saw the whole picture. They didn't know. Four of his feared Akatsuki members had no clue what the Icha, Icha series was. Itachi's little brother was smarter than this.

Pein smiled. Certainly they had deserved what Itachi had attempted to do to them, for being so stupid. Perhaps he should have Konan release the man. Perhaps he should just show her the book and tell her it's origins himself. In fact, he was going to do just that.

...but first he had a group of idiot criminals to educate.