Title: Better Than A Backward Flushing Toilet

Author: Lady FoxFire

Pairing(s): None

Rating: PG-13

Setting: During season 5 of StarGate SG-1. Set in my 'If Things Had Been Different' series

Warning: None

Category(s): Crossover

Summary: Take one group of space explorer-alien fighters mix with another group of alien fighter. Stir well and then sit back and wait.

Disclaimer: I'm going to the easy win tonight instead of taking the chance and going for the million… I do not own the StarGate SG-1 series or the Transformers series nor do I make any money from this fic. And if you didn't understand this disclaimer it's because my son has driven me insane and my Muse has ran off with my plot bunnies.

Bad Author Notes: The time line has been adjust so that the Transformers movie happen sometime at the beginning or during season 5 of StarGate SG-1.

Yes this is crack.

Captain Lennox's daughter ran over the huge black robot, her arms up in the air, her hands opening and closing repetitively. "Up! Up!" she shouted

Jack started to move in the girl's direction as the black robot started to move to towards the girl only to be stop by Captain Lennox.

"It's alright," Lennox replied to O'Neill expression of worry and confusion.

By this time the black robot had gently scooped the small child up and raised it's hand up so that she was cupped against his chest.

"Hello, Little Princess," the black robot said in a deep voice as the other watched it and the little girl.

"Kissies! Hid kissies!" the little girl exclaimed before making the universal sound all young children make to signify kisses.

The black robot chuckled as he raised it's hand towards it's face so that Annabelle could kiss it as it made a kissing noise in return. "Thank you for the kiss, little one," The robot lowered its arm so that the girl was now level with it's chest.

"Ime kissies," the girl said as she held out her arms to the biggest of all the robots.

"I would love a kissie, little Princess," the big red and blue robot bent down as the black robot raised its hand up until the little girl was able to kiss the robot's face. Standing straight up again the robot said, "Thank you Annabelle," as it gently petted the little girl on the head with a single finger.

"Hand her over, Ironhide," Sarah Lennox demanded. "It's almost dinner time and she probably needs her hands washed."

"Of course, your Majesty," Ironhide, the huge black robot said as he lowered his hand so that Annabelle's mother could retrieve her daughter. "I believe she needs a diaper changed also."

"I figured on that," Sarah replied as she swung her child so that the girl was on her hip. "How was your trip, Optimus?"

"Fairly uneventful, your Highness," the red and blue robot replied with a small bow towards the woman. "There was a small delay due to a tornado but from what I can ascertain no one was harm from it."

"You weren't in any danger, were you, Optimus?" Sarah asked, her concern for the big robot was evident in her voice.

"I was in no danger, Sarah. Thank you for your concern," the robot said.

The robot that had been the yellow Hummer snorted, "It won't have been the first time that he's gone on a ride in one of those things. Seem to remember banging out dings in his frame more than once."

The little yellow robot suddenly played, "Another one bites the dust. Another one bites the dust. And another one gone, and another one gone. Another one bites the dust."

"Dude! Queen?" one of Captain Lennox's men, exclaimed. "I've would have gone with 'Over the Rainbow' from the Wizard of Oz."

"No way!" another one of the soldiers chimed in. "Kansas, 'Dust in the Wind'. Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind."

"You're all wrong," The silver robot exclaimed. "Dead or Alive. 'You Spin Me Around.' You spin me right round, baby. Right round like a record, baby. Right round round round."

Captian Lennox sighed wearily. "Welcome to our lives," he mumbled to the member of SG-1. "He should have played something from the movie Twister."

Jack looked down at the bottle in his hand then up at the giant robots then over at the soldiers and robot debating over songs. "Either I've had too much to drink or not enough."

"Not enough," Sgt. Epps replied. "There is never enough. You just learn to deal with it."

"Amen to that brother. Amen to that," Lennox said.

"Umm…" Daniel pointed to the robots. "Ahhh…." He now pointed at Lennox and Epps. "Explanation?" Daniel now had his arms cross before him; one hand pointed at the robots and the other at Lennox.

"Right," Will said before letting out a high pitch whistle. "Yo! We forgot to do introductions. Colonel O'Neill, allow me to introduce the Autobots of the planet Cybertron. Leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime," Will pointed at the red and blue robot. "Weapon master, Ironhide," this time he pointed at the black robot. "Medic and general mother type figure, Ratchet."

"Mother type!" the yellow robot, Ratchet protested in outrage. "I am not some mother type figure! Ironhide is more like that than I am!"

"Noooo," Will drew the word out. "Ironhide is more like an overprotective father figure. You're more of a mother type figure who is patching her child up while scolding them. 'What were you thinking? Where you even thinking?"

"The man has you pegged, Ratchet," the silver robot said smugly.

"And to keep this moving," Lennox hurriedly pointed at the silver robot. "That's Jazz our current member of the walking dead and Bumblebee." Lennox pointed at the yellow robot that had earlier played the music. "And of course you meet Sam."

"Hey," Sam said from where he sat on the picnic bench with a wave of his hand.

"You're a…" Carter said as she pointed at the Autobot, "one of them?"

"Hmmm… not exactly," Sam replied. "More like their dad… and mom. Just a lot younger than they are."

"And over here on the human side," Will said as he spun around and started to point at the members of SG-1. "We have Colonel Jack O'Neill. Major Carter. Dr. Jackson and Teal'c. Okay, everyone knows each other now and the grill is ready, so I'm going to slap some steaks on the barbie."

"Is it me or does the Captain seems a little unsettled?" Ratchet said as he watched the Army Captain flee inside.

"He fed the Princess chili," Bumblebee said, "again."

Ratchet let out what sounded like a growl mixed with a sigh of frustration. "I've told him not to feed her his chili! Her system is immature and unable to handle such foods." Ratchet shook his head. "Humans are such fragile creatures. I don't understand his reasoning on feeding her that substance!"

"For the same reason you allowed Ironhide to hold her against his chest when she was teething," Sarah commented.

"It seems to calm her and help her through the emergence of her first set of teeth," Ratchet explained.

"And so would a frozen Eggo," Sarah replied.

"Do you know what is in those things!" Ratchet exclaimed in outrage.

Prime sighed wearily. "Colonel O'Neill, perhaps you and your men wish to speak off to the side?" he said as he looked between his men and some of Lennox men debating over music and his medical officer arguing with Sarah Lennox while Ironhide looked on.

Jack looked over at the group that was arguing over music then over to the group with the child only to see Sgt. Epps steal the child away from her mother as the debate between the mother and the big yellow robot heated up. "Yeah," he said slowly. "That might be a good idea."

Optimus took a few steps away from the house causing the SG-1 team to hurry after him with Sam trailing behind.

Spying the young man in the corner of his eye, Jack giving him a questioning look.

"You thinking you're I'm staying behind to listen to that you're crazy," Sam replied to Jack's unspoken question. "Besides this concerns me."

Optimus sat down on the ground, sitting Indian style, so he was only a story and a half instead of 3 stories tall. Sam heaved himself up on to Prime's leg as if he was a small child sitting on a retaining wall.

Colonel O'Neill looked at Sam then up at Optimus Prime and then shook his head to dispel whatever image was running through his head.

"So I would say it's safe to say you're not from Japan," Jack rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet.

"No. My people come the world which in your language would be called Cybertron," Optimus replied.

"Did the Ancients… the Alterrans create you," Carter asked as she studied the being in front of her.

"No," Optimus replied. "I know of the race you speak of and my people, my race was old when they first emerged."

"So you're the Ancient Ancients," Jack chimed in.

"Did you have any contact with them?" Daniel asked. "Or maybe with the Asgaurd, the Nox or the Furlings? Are you familiar with the Stargates, the doorway to heaven and how we're using them to explore the universe? Does you people have a written language? I've come across a number of languages I haven't been able to translate and was thinking that perhaps one of them is your or maybe you know one of them?"

"He babbles more than Annabelle," Sam said with a chuckle. "Except we can understand most of what he says."

"Samuel," Prime gently chastised the boy on his leg.

Sam turned and looked up at Optimus. "I'm just saying he does."

"Diplomacy, Samuel," Optimus sighed.

"I haven't gotten to that lesson yet, Optimus," Sam replied. "Still working on evasion and escape."

"Evasion and escape?" Jack asked.

Sam shrugged his shoulder. "What can I say, everyone wants me."

"Must be pretty popular with the ladies," Jack said teasingly.

"Yeap, I'm a chick magnet," Sam said smugly. "All the women in my life either want to feed me or have me read them a story."

"That's better than what Daniel attracts," Jack commented. "His either want to marry him or kill him."

Daniel turned and gave Jack a disgusted look. "I'm not that bad," he countered.

"Oh really," Jack drawled. "Hathor. Osiris."

"Anise and Kynthia," Daniel snapped back.

"Like I would touch Anise with a 20 foot pole," Jack replied with a snort. "And Kynthia was a sweet kid in an adult body but she was still a kid. Ke'ra. Sarah."

Still perched on Optimus' knee, Sam leaned towards Carter and Teal'c and in a stage whisper said, "Are they… you know… together."

Daniel and Jack stopped their playful squabbling and turned towards Sam. "No," Jack said as he drew out the one word. "We are not together."

Sam shrugged his shoulders innocently. "Well given how you two were fighting I thought you might be together just keeping it secret because of the military's stupid fear."

"I do not understand why human fear the union of two beings of the same sex," Optimus said.

Sam turned so that he could look up at Prime. "I think it's because they fear being the bottom and enjoying it."

Prime shook his head. "Why would they fear enjoying sex?"

"I'll explain it when you're older," Sam replied, patting Prime's knee. "Or hey you could ask Jack here. I'm sure he's given the talk once or twice before."

Jack eyed Sam wearily. "There's something in the beer right? And I'm just imaging you saying that I'll explain sex to a 3 story alien robot."

Sam smiled smugly. "Nothing in the beer and I did."

Jack looked at Sam then up at Optimus then back to Sam. "When he's older?"

"Around the time the little Princess is old enough to need the talk," Sam explained.

"Works for me," Jack replied.

"If I may ask Sam, why do you call the daughter of CaptainLennox princess and why does OptimusPrime call SarahLennox Highness? From my reading of your country's history, I did not think you had any royalty in this country," Teal'c said.

"Because she is," Sam replied simply. "Sarah's a war queen, Annabelle is a princess and Will is the royal consort."

"War Queen?" Daniel echoed.

Sam simply nodded his head once again.

"From where?" Jack said having turned to stare back at the house where Sarah Lennox was still arguing with the robot called Ratchet.

"The Kingdom of Artemisia," Optimus stated. "I have traveled there many time. It is a very beautiful land with a proud, strong people."

"I've heard of Artemisia, some place," Carter said as she chewed on her bottom lip, her brow furrowed in through

"So what happened?" Jack asked. "She came here, fell in love and married Lennox?"

"More or less," Captain Lennox seemed to appear out of nowhere. "Came over to see how everyone liked their steaks."

"Medium well all round expect for Daniel he likes his warm and mooing," Jack replied. "So you married an alien?"

Lennox smiled smugly. "I married a goddess and Sam, Sarah's a Warrior Queen. A war queen is entirely different creature."

Sam shrugged his shoulders. "Warrior Queen. War Queen. Makes no difference to me. Your wife is scary."

"My Sarah is not scary," Will replied. "My Sarah is a sweet kind woman who is a highly intelligent and determined woman who knows what she wants and goes and gets it. The fact that she had human size Cybertronian weapons, thanks to Ironhide, hiding in the bedroom closet does not make her scary."

"Damn!" Jack said in awe. "You really have it bad!"

Lennox turned and glared at Jack. "And who exactly is ignoring an alien King while talking about my wife?"

"King?" Daniel asked

Lennox pointed up at Optimus and with that he turned and walked back to the grill.

"My title as Prime roughly translate into your language as king," Optimus explained.

"And you're Prime of your whole world or a part of it?" Daniel asked.

"The whole of my people no matter where in the universe they are," Optimus replied.

"So what are you doing on Earth?" Jack rocked back and forth on the ball of his feet again.

"Samuel! Come and help!" Sarah Lennox shouted from the back door.

"The Queen doth beckon," Sam jumped from Prime's knee and hurried towards the house leaving the member of SG-1 alone with Optimus Prime.

"She speaks and everyone listens," Jack mumbles to himself.

"You have no idea," Optimus added in. "She threatened to move her sparkling and herself to the temporary base we were using when she discovered we were not caring for Samuel to the degree she approved of."

"Sparkling?" Carter said.

"It is our term for a small child, a baby," Prime explained.

"You reproduce?" Carter gasped. "I mean… I would expect you to…"

"What Carter is trying to say," Jack interrupted, "is how do you have kids, given you seem to be all mechanical. Personally I would've thought that you'd skip that step and go straight to adults."

Optimus looked at Jack with a sparkle in his eyes, which was something those who know Prime are wary of. "Sex," he replied simply.

That single word was enough to stun the members of SG-1 into silence.

"Yeah," Jack finally said as he drew out the word as he tried to change the subject. "You never said why you and your people are here in our little neck of the universe."

"That is actually a long story," Prime replied. "Our people lived in peace until Megatron, the Lord High Protector lost his way. He became driven to control everything and everyone. He turned those he could control on to those he could not."

"A civil war," Daniel said softly.

Prime nodded his head. "For eons our war raged, neither side able to gain the upper hand as even the most innocent of all were killed in the name of war," Prime said as he looked in the direction of the of the yellow Autobot who was introduce as Bumblebee. "Bumblebee is the last of his generation. The last of children sparked on Cybertron."

Jack turned to look at the yellow Autobot. "How old is he?"

"In human terms, he would be 17 or 18 years old," Optimus replied.

"Still a kid," Jack said softly.

"They all are," Prime replied. "Our race was nearly devastated, so Megatron turned his eyes towards the Allspark, which was the source of life for my race," Prime explained. "With the Allspark under his control he could rebuild his army and eventual turn his attention to the rest of the universe. With this in mind I sent the Allspark into space before Megatron take control of it."

"And it ended up on Earth," Jack stated.

"As did Megatron," Prime said. "Both sides scattered across the universe searching for the Allspark, knowing that whoever found the Allspark would win the war. Megatron was the first to discover your world, luckily upon his entry into Earth's atmosphere he miscalculated and landed on your North Pole where he fell through the ice and was frozen."

"The Fates eventually led us to your world and to Sam," Optimus said.

"Yeah that's something I've been wondering about," Jack said. "What is Sam's part in all of this and how did he become this Allspark."

"He sacrificed himself," Sgt. Epps stated as he appeared behind them.

The member of SGC turned to face the Technical Sergeant.

"Sarah sent me to tell you dinner is ready," Epps said with a shrug of his shoulders.

"The kid sacrificed himself?" Jack said.

"Sam shoved the Allspark into Megatron chest, killing him. A side effect of that was that he absorbed the Allspark," Epps explained.

"So the cybernetics… that's the Allspark?" Carter said.

"Pretty much," Epps answered. "Come on we better get over there before all the food is gone. You should see how much Mulderrig and Shehan can put away. It's frightening."

Daniel turned back to Optimus. "Would it be possible to continue our conversation later?"

Optimus nodded his head. "Of course, Daniel Jackson."

"There's a lot more than what you told us," Jack chimed in.

"That's an understatement," Epps said with a snort. "Try a really big long mechanized scorpion."

"How big is really big?" Jack asked.

"Almost 9 feet long," Epps answered.

"Yeah that's really big scorpion," Jack said. "So what's the movie of the night?"

"The walking dead in honor of Jazz," Epps replied.

"Why in the honor of Jazz?" Daniel asked.

"Because he is one. Never use Worcestershire sauce as embalming fluid," Epps stated as he sat down at the picnic table.

"Now I know there is a story behind that," Jack said as he sat down.

"Oh yeah," Lennox scooped up a huge serving of German potato salad. "But it's nothing compared to the time that Jazz kill Kenny."

"You bastard!" a number of the men at the table said softly.

"I heard that!" Jazz shouted from where the Autobot had gathered to talk and share some type of food or fuel among themselves. "And my sights were off."

"Kenny?" Daniel said softly to Sarah Lennox.

"South Park," she replied.

"And Kenny was…" Jack asked his brow furrowed.

"From what Will said it was a dummy wearing an orange parka," Sarah explains.

Jack nodded his head. "And Worcestershire sauce was from Halloween," he said. "You know you're all insane."

"Says the man who walks through an upright backward flushing toilet so he can be shot at by evil alien slug," Shehan pointed out. "We get to stay home and worry about the toaster attacking us."

"That was an accident! I didn't mean to make it come alive," Sam cried out. "And beside it's your fault that Toastie shot the Pop Tarts at you. He doesn't like them. He says they're unhealthy for you. Beside he prefers English Muffins."

"Speaking of Toastie, where is the evil little thing?" Mulderrig asked before shoving a forkful of food in this mouth.

"Simmons," Epps and Lennox answered together, with an evil smirk on their faces.

All movement at the table stop as Lennox's men stared at Epps and Lennox in horror.

"Now that's mean," Shehan said softly. "I mean I know Simmons is an ass but did he really deserve that?"

Lennox shrugged his shoulders. "He insulted Sarah. Beside Toastie is happier there than here. From what Simmons said he's a bit like a cat; he sits on Simmons' chest in the morning and stares at him until he wakes up"

"That is one sick robot," Mulderrig said with a shake of his head.

"I am curious," Teal'c said as he set down his silverware. "Who is Toastie?"

Sarah sighed. "He was my toaster, until Sam accidentally brought him to life."

"Oh and here I just thought you had to worry about Christine," Jack chimed in.

"Barricade," the men at the table said at once.

"He's a Decepticon, a bad guy who can transform into Saleen S281 police car or he was the last time we saw him," Sam explained.

"They can change shapes?" Carter said in surprise. "They can take alternate forms than the ones we're seen."

"Afraid so," Lennox said. "But they're limited based on size and mass and… guess you can say function. I mean these guys are land based so they can't become fliers and fliers can't become land based. Or at least that's how I understand it. Hey for all we know your truck could be a transformer."

"It's not," Ratchet said. "I've already scanned it however Colonel O'Neill I suggest that you have your radiator checks soon. It appears to have a blockage of some type."

"Car doctor too?" Jack suggested.

"And human doctor too," Mulderrig said with a sigh. "He knows everything going on with you every time you meet him, from an upset stomach to a hang nail."

"Or when you're interested in someone," Sam grumbled. "Worse than my parents."

"Well that won't happen again, Sam, not after the little talk I had with Ratchet," Sarah said with a dangerous note in her voice.

"Upsetting Sarah is a bad idea," Will shook his head.

"Upsetting any woman is a bad idea," Epps stated. "They'll either rip you to shreds or they'll cry on you, either way you're screwed."

"Or both at the same time," Jack commented with a voice of experience. "And then their friends will join in."

"Women! Can't live with them, can't live without them," Shehan said before he suddenly froze. Slowly he looked over in Sarah's directions. Letting out a nervous little laugh, he said, "Of course I won't want to. After all I need a lovely lady in my life to brighten it. Maybe sometime I'll meet someone as wonderful as you are Sarah."

"Nice try, soldier," Sarah said with an evil smirk.

"Shit! I'm a dead man," Shehan said grimly.

"That boy taken way too many shots to the head," Epps said sadly as he shook his head.

"So what do you think of all of this?" Mulderrig asked as a way to change the subject and to try and save his friend's life before he opened his big mouth once again.

"I agree, having observed the females of the Tau'ri, he is a dead man," Teal'c said with a straight face.

Jack chuckled softly. "Hope you have plenty of Worcestershire sauce on hand. And speaking of horror there's one thing that I want to do."

"And what is that Colonel," Sarah asked with the same airs as that of a queen.

"Why slugs?" Jack asked with his most charming of smile. " I mean that black… alien. That's Hide, right?" Jack pointed over at Ironhide. "He's afraid of slugs."

"I'm not afraid of them," Ironhide growled as he approached the table. "I despise them."

"Why? I mean they're so tiny and you're so big," Jack asked.

"Have you ever seen the movie Men In Black?" Ironhide asked.

"Yeah," Jack said cautiously.

"Then I suggest you think about it," Hide growled before turning back to his comrades.

Jack turned back to the soldiers with a questioning look.

"Big slug," Sam supplied. "Really big slug."

Jack brow furrowed with thought but before he could say anything Carter said, "Are you saying a slug ate him?"

Sam nodded his head since he had a mouth full of food.

The member of SG-1 looked over at Ironhide.

"That had to have been one big slug!" Jack said.

The next afternoon, Jack sitting at his desk and grudgingly typed up the report on the movie night for General Hammond.

His brow was furrowed as he typed in the section in which they had discussed about Sarah Lennox being a Warrior Queen. With a growl of frustration Jack picked up the phone and dialed an internal number.

A distracted sounding voice answered the phone with a "Hello?"

"Daniel, it's Jack," the Colonel said. "I need to ask you something."

"No, Jack I am not writing your report for you. And you can't copy mine either," Daniel said with a sigh.

"I know that, Daniel. I actual was calling to ask you something," Jack said.

"Oh," Daniel said his embarrassment was evident from the sound of his voice. "What is it?"

"What was the name of the place Captain Lennox's wife from?" Jack said.

"Artemisia," Daniel replied. "It seems to have been connotation the Goddess Artemis, who in Greek mythology was the Goddess of the Hunt. Of course she's better know to us by her Roman name, which was Diana. Before starting new military campaign the Spartans would make sacrifice to her since she was on of their patron goddesses."

"Daniel," Jack said before Daniel could continue to lecture.

"What, Jack?" Daniel replied.

"How do you spell it?" Jack said his fingers hovering over the keyboard. "A. R. T….

"Oh. Ummm…" Daniel quickly spelled out the word as Jack type it in. "So that was it?" Daniel said disbelief

"Have Carter and you figured out where this place is?" Jack asked as he continued to type his reported.

"Not yet," Daniel growled in frustration. "We're been able to eliminate all of the worlds we're been too and at least half of the worlds we have from the map room from Abydos. It's only a matter of time."

"Right," Jack said. "Of course we could always go and ask Sarah were her home is."

There was dead silence over the phone line. "Was there anything else, Jack?" Daniel growled.

"No. Not that was all. Thanks," Jack said with a smirk before hanging up the phone.

Jack continued to type his report but as his brow furrowed in thought his typing slowed until he was barely typing at all.

Opening an Internet window, Jack went to his favorite search window and typed in Artemisia. The search problem listed Artemisia as the scientific name for a genus of place; a movie made back in 1997 and the Kingdom of Artemisia. Jack click on the link for the Kingdom of Artemisia.

"Oh for crying out loud!"

Post Author Notes:

Yes the Kingdom of Artemisia does exist and it is very beautiful. I hope to be able to travel there someday and explore.

For those in the know… I made up the Warrior Queen unless some group has one and I don't know about it.

As for those who are wondering what I'm talking about… well you'll have to look it up.