We live, we die

Cause you can't save every soul

Danny let his arm fall to the side. He stared sightlessly into the distance. His partner grasped his arm. He tried so hard, and it didn't make a difference.

"Hey man, look, you did everything you could,"

"Shut up." Danny snarled. He stood. He walked away. The body was left behind.

H50

Kono frowned at her friend. The drugs she had found were clenched in her hand.

"Look, I just want—"

"I know what you want! But this is my life, not yours! Stop trying to be my mother!" Melissa snatched the drugs, turned and walked away. Her body was found three days later, cause of death ruled as an overdose.

H50

Steve eyes were cold. Objective. He had to be. Sure, he didn't want to leave his team member behind, but they knew the risks when they signed up, and they ignored direct orders. As far as they knew, he was dead. And Steve could risk more lives waiting on one man.

Shouldering his gun, he turned and headed towards the waiting helicopter. He walked away. Ten days later news of a lucky survivor reached the ears of the SEALs forced to leave. They reached him as quickly as they could, just in time to see him gunned down as they were landing.

H50

Chin tried wiping the blood off on his pants. Nausea was welling up inside of him. As if sensing his unease, his friend offered him a garbage can that he had kept near. The sterile hospital smell filled his nose and he winced. The doctor came out and offered a smile.

"The suicide was unsuccessful," the words would always haunt Chin. "You can go see your friend if you want." The doctors eyes were expectant. Chin stood.

"No."

H50

They didn't deserve what had happened to them. A bad circumstance had been a prelude to the disasters.

Flash. Danny won't forget it, not ever. She stood trembling in the grasp of the clearly angry man. She had just wanted to go shopping. A standoff between the police and a fugitive was not what she had been expecting. Thoughts ran through her head. The most prevalent was 'why me?'. She closed her eyes and implored silently with the fugitive to let her go. The knife stabbed down into her heart.

Flash. Kono still visits her grave, the grave of the one she couldn't save. Melissa was stubborn. Walking away from Kono, precious, precious, addictive drugs clutched in her hand, she sighed with relief. She would be fine now. The next day she disappeared deep into the woods, to a common hang out spot the police hadn't busted yet. Her shaking hands injected too much of the drug. A haze crawled across her eyes, and a small, bitter smiled touched her lips. She would die. Kono was right. Drugs would only kill her.

Flash. Steve still thinks about the call he made. Maybe if he had waited...Peters ran deeper into the underbrush, dodging from trunk to trunk. Fury aimed towards the rest of the SEAL team filled him. They couldn't just leave the hostages. It was leaving them to their death. The words of reasoning filled his head. 'they're dead anyway, Peters.' 'Listen, we completed our objective. We've even rescued some hostages. We can't risk our success because of a child left behind.' SHUT UP! Peters screamed inside his mind. He crept up to the camp where five hostages were left. The sickly seven year old peered up at him. He was still alive then. Distantly, Peters registered the sound of a helicopter leaving, opting for speed rather than stealth. Peters ignored it, smiled and reached out.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm here to help."

Flash.Chin still wonders whether he should have reached out again. He wonders if she wouldn't have succeeded the seconds time if he tried a little harder. Kelina was allowed back to school. Chin visited her often, but felt awkward in her presence. She was distant and cruel, saying things the old her would never had voiced, but Chin stopped listening. He couldn't deal with it. School was too intense to spend his every waking hour helping Kelina to heal. Eventually he stopped coming to see her, not wanting to deal with her abrasive tones, and cruel words. The word of her successful second suicide attempt reached him weeks later. She didn't leave a note.

H50

Healing is usually harder for ones left behind that those who are injured in the first place. Many have had to deal with the bitter embrace of failure, but a cop, and a friend feels the failure so much more intently. Is it because they feel obligated to have done better? Probably. So often after someone has died, those left behind, look back and agonize over decisions they could have done differently.

Memories...

'Shifting weight to the forward foot, not matter how infinitesimal the movement can spark a negative response from the fugitive. Avoid looking like you will attack, or assault the fugitive. They have a hostage. The hostage is the most important. The fugitive, by default, is now the one in control. So you have to talk. Let him know you are aware of their power. But don't make yourself weak. Make yourself present.'

The words of Danny's first partner would replay over in his mind, again and again. He would imagine the scene, replaying in front of him. He slowed his world, in his mind, and stepped out of his body. He turned, and looked curiously at the situation. The slightest movement, made by him. Preparing to take down the fugitive. Anticipating what had not yet happened. Rookie...the word snarled through his mind like it was dirty, something to be avoided. Danny clenched his eyes. Rookie mistake. Wide, terrified green eyes snapped to his face. They flicked down, registering his tensed front leg. The silver of the knife flashed. Danny yelled out.

NO!

The word shot through her mind as she thought of her friend. No, please no, she wanted to beg. But she didn't. The sad look in the officers eyes wasn't going to change. This wasn't a dream. This wasn't a nightmare.

Oh, it is, a cruel voice whispered to her. Kono sank back into her mother's embrace. Later, that night, she stared out her window, watched the stars twinkling in the sky. 'What ifs' ran through her mind, preventing sleep. What if I had kept the drugs? What if I had talked to her nicely? What if I had offered to go with her. After all the possibilities ran out, she buried her face in her pillow.

What if she were still alive?

Chin sighed in frustration. He wouldn't talk to his family. His mother, father, cousins, friends, everyone was so overbearing. He wanted to be left alone, he didn't want to talk about Kelina. They looked at him with pity in their eyes.

'She was a disturbed child,' His mother said sympathetically. Chin ignored her. Guilt filled him, and sharp pangs shot through his chest, making tears rise to his eyes. Kelina and Chin, Chin and Kelina. Friends forever, she had said three years ago. Chin had laughed, hugged her and agreed. Last year, depression settled. Kelina felt overshadowed by her big sister and brother, and felt her little sister always got the attention. Chin stuck by her through those years.

When she attempted to commit suicide, he was stunned. He thought she was working through it. She seemed so much better the other day. Now, looking back, the streak of betrayal running through him seemed ridiculous. That was when they started drifting apart. Still young and impetuous, Chin didn't think it was something to seriously be worried about.

When she succeeded in ending her life, Chin felt numb. His friend, someone who was a constant in his young eyes, was gone. Chin didn't want pity, because it wasn't him they should be pitying. Nor should it be Kelina. No. They should hate him for not trying harder. Kelina would still be alive if he had cared more.

No, let us pity the living.

Steve's eyes narrowed. Peters wife seemed shocked, but distant. She sighed, and ran a hand over her face.

"I guess I knew it would happen someday," she said softly before turning and leaving. Steve closed his eyes. The body of Peters was returning today. Steve had described how Peters had turned off his radio, and ignored blatant orders, to opt to try to save the lives of already dying and dead hostages. He had been found with a young boy, dead days from a raging fever.

Dementia, hallucinations, stress... lists of words covered the pages of the psychologists notes. Peters had left to save the boy, the SEALs knew. They also knew the boy was dead. Why Peters thought he was still alive couldn't be determined, and never will. Rigorous tests are done on the remaining SEAL's states of mind before they are allowed to train.

Steve doesn't feel guilty. He knows he made the right call. But he doesn't want Peters to be dead. He merely accepts it.

As a cop, or as a regular person, we have to understand we cannot always win. Our choices influence the outcomes more than we will know, but can we ever predict the future? We blame ourselves, we blame those around us, or we blame those we cannot ever see again. But little do we remember to give thanks for the memories left behind, or the people are saved by our actions. It is important to live, and not to dwell. Those left behind will never forget them. No, but they do understand. Not everyone can be saved. Not everyone wants to be saved. We live, we die. We will survive.