This is my first Gintama-fic; nothing serious. It's just two seperate oneshots featuring how Kagura and Sougo can make Hasagawa's life hell, and for the second one-shot, how hell naturally find Hasagawa. This first one's a lot more focussed on Kagura and Sougo, while the other will be more about our loveable Madao. Also, Kagura and Sougo are already dating in both shots, because I didn't feel like writing about how they got together, since they're meant to be anyways. So enjoy, review, and hopefully the next one will be up soon!
Disclaimer: I don't own Gintama! The Genius, Sorachi does!
It was supposed to be a romantic evening for the two of them, and it had been going along, just like that. They were in light, skimpy yukatas, he could see China's perfectly forming, milky white breasts, they were alone with no one to bother them (Sougo made sure of that), and best of all, they had sex three times in the past hour. They were taking a break, watching the moonlight, and Sougo lightly played with Kagura's hair, which was down compared to its usual style. He was glad that only he saw his China-doll's hair like this. But then, the sappy-romantic moment died in a heap of flames.
"Sadist, I want to drive." She said while sitting his lap.
"And I want Hijikata-san dead, but we're both going to have to move on." Sougo replied bluntly.
"There's a difference, mine's possible by law, uh-huh." Kagura argued.
"You're fifteen China, you're not old enough to drive." Okita said, trailing fingers through her hair.
"Gin-chan says I'm not old enough to have sex with you, but we do that." Kagura argued.
Sougo made a mental note to kill Danna for that comment, but he had other things to deal with right now. "I'm eighteen, China; not a thirty-year old man who still reads JUMP and is definitely a closet pervert. I'm old enough to drive, make more money than Danna could see in a lifetime, and obviously better looking. You should move in with me."
"Then the Shinsengumi members will bother us." She argued. "And don't change the subject, Sadist! I want to drive!"
"Why, China?" He asked.
"I want to be an independent woman, uh-huh. And if you don't let me, then I won't sleep over here anymore, uh-huh." Kagura knew that threat would hit home. She knew her boyfriend hated it when she didn't sleep over, that's why she was over so much.
"Fine, fine, I'll arrange it. Just give me two days China." Sougo pulled her down for another make out session, causing Kagura to pout. It had the desired effect, causing her boyfriend to savagely ravage her. Their session would continue all night.
Two Days Later
Kagura stood in front of the driver's ed. car, impatiently awaiting her instructor that her sadist boyfriend promised her.
"Excuse me, are you Kagura-chan?" The Yato girl turned to her name being called and saw an older girl, with short brown hair, dressed in a pink mini-kimono, high socks and sandals, and was being accompanied by two Shinsengumi bodyguards Kagura didn't recognize. "Hello, I'm Kuriko, I'm your partner for your driver's exam."
"These things are done in partners?" Kagura asked, confused.
"Un. I've wanted to get my license for a while now, but my father doesn't let me get into a car with boys in it. You can't imagine how happy I was when one of my father's subordinates asked if I a female driving partner was needed!" She clapped her hands together for emphasis.
"Was his name…Okita Sougo?" Kagura twitched.
"Yes! My father was thrilled with the arraignment, and even had the DMV set up the appointment! Isn't it wonderful Kagura-chan!" She smiled.
"Tch! Stupid Sadist!" She growled in annoyance of her overprotective boyfriend
"Oh, Kagura-chan!" The China girl turned to a familiar voice, and was shocked. "I didn't realize you were also a part of my job. Gin-san will be so happy with me!"
"Sa-chan…what are you doing here?" Kagura asked warily.
"I was hired to be yours and Kuriko-sama's body-guard for the driving test, by Kuriko-sama's father." The ninja woman explained. "Isn't it wonderful?"
"Freakin terrific." Kagura vein-popped. Suddenly, a small, portly man, in a cheap business suit and thick cat-eye glasses came up to them.
"E-Excuse me, are there a Kuriko-sama and a Kagura-san, here?" He asked nervously. The two girls raised their hands respectively. "G-Good day, my name Gonkopo Mantsu, I'll be your driving instructor today, I will explain today, how the driving test will work, and then we'll get started."
"I go first." Kagura was already in the front seat.
"Oi! Don't get in the car yet! You have to make sure the car's functioning properly!" He said.
"It's fine, get it. I want to drive, get in, or I'm driving off without you." Kagura replied.
"Either get out of the car or-" He was cut-off by a kunai to his throat.
"I am under orders to execute anyone who dares interfere with Kagura-chan's and Kuriko-sama's driving test. Do you wish to die, assassin?" Sa-chan asked.
"Assassin? What are you talking about? You're the assassin!" He poor man yelled. "Why are you here anyways?"
"When a desperate father needs eyes for his daughter, and a paramour needs an extra sword to protect his desires, I, Sa-chan, the assassin, will be there." She declared gracefully.
"Why are you making an impromptu speech?" He demanded.
RRRINNG! The driving instructor jumped and turned to see Kagura-chan already in the driver's seat. "Let's go." Kuriko was already waiting in the car, she told the men to go back.
Test
"AAAAUUGGGH!" The poor driving instructor was clutching to the car seat, and had been cursing the Bakufu for not taking the money to fix the passenger brake in the education car. While Kagura had slammed on the gas, and hadn't slowed down in the slightest.
"Huh? This is a lot slower than I thought." Kagura replied, speeding through the city; people and traffic barely dodging in time.
"SLOW? YOU CALL THIS SLOW? WE'RE GOING AT WARP-SPEED!" The instructor yelled.
"I could walk faster than this, old man." Kagura snorted.
Oh my, Kagura-chan." Kuriko spoke up. "It seems that my father, and your boyfriend are following us."
"WHAT?" Kagura unbuckled her seatbelt, and pivoted her rear on the window-sill of the car, while the instructor desperately grabbed the wheel. "Oi! Sadist! Quit following us!"
"China! You've already failed the test, let's drop this and go to the beach." Okita said in his dead-pan voice.
"NO WAY! I'M NOT LOSING TO YOU SADIST! I'M-HEY TAKE YOUR HAND OFF MY ASS, HENTAI!" She yelled as the instructor pulled her in, missing the dangerous glint in the sadistic swordsman's eyes.
"LET ME GO!" She yelled as the driving instructor finally pulled her into the car.
"PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD! DON'T YOU EVEN REALIZE THAT YOU'RE IN THE DRIVING TEST?" He yelled.
"I WAS DOING FINE UNTIL THE SADIST INTERRUPTED ME!" She yelled.
"YOU-"
"Oh my, there seems to be a rocket coming at us." Kuriko smiled. Kagura smirked and swerved, the rocket blew up part of the street, not her; she smirked in triumph.
Meanwhile, in the Shinsengumi cop cars, Hijikata was desperately trying to keep his subordinate and bosses under control. "WOULD YOU ALL CALM DOWN? IT's PROBABLY JUST A MIUNDERSTANDING!"
"Hijikata-san, you have never felt love, for you have no heart in your black soul." Okita said, aiming his bazooka at the car.
"A BLACK SOUL? YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE BLACK SOUL, YOU DEMON!" He yelled.
"But try to understand how I feel, when I say that a rage boils over me like lava, when I think of another man touching China, even if by accident. There are no accidents Hijikata-san, just empty excuses." He fired.
"YOU'RE THE ONE LOOKING FOR AN EMPTY EXCUSE YOU NUTJOB!" The vice-commander yelled.
"No, he's right Toshi." Matsudaira puffed his cigarette. "When a man is in love, he'll do anything to protect his woman; just like a father who is willing to do anything to protect his daughter."
"THOSE ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT REASONS!" He yelled.
"No Toshi." Kondo joined in with his own rifle. "I'd do the same for Otae, that Sougo is doing for Kagura. It's not something you'd understand quite yet."
"WHY ARE YOU TRETING THIS LIKE SCARLET WIND?" He yelled as the rockets went off.
Back in the car, Sa-chan saw the missiles coming, and jumped to the car roof. After throwing a few kunai, the missiles discharged, but the aftershock caused her to fall over and lose her glasses. She fell off the car, losing balance due to her blindness. "Oh…Gin-san…scrape me against the ground again."
Keeping her speed up, Kagura suddenly pulled the parking brake and drove down an alley. Causing the instructor to scream again. "Keep it down, you're breaking my concentration."
"CONCENTRAINTION! YOU NEED REPRIMATION!" He yelled.
"Ne, Kagura-chan…can I have my turn now?" Kuriko asked politely.
"Sure, I have to pee anyway." She replied, zooming out of an alley in front of various cars. For whatever reason, they somehow managed to pull up alongside the curb safely. Kagura and Kuriko got out of the car, while the instructor had raced out and kissed the ground beneath, thanking whatever deity that he was alive.
When Kagura came back for the test, she found something disgusting in the car. "Madao, what are you doing here?"
"At least call me by name, when I'm with you!" Hasagawa yelled.
"Either tell me why you're here, or I'll tell Sadist you're sexually harassing me, uh-huh." Kagura said bluntly. "I don't to be in the same care with smelly Madao."
"THEN DON'T GET IN THE CAR THEN!" Hasagawa yelled.
"Why are you here, anyways Madao? So what'd you do with the instructor, Madao? Did your joblessness chase him away?" Kagura asked.
"NO! I was walking down the street when some guy ran up to me, asked if I had a driver's license, and when I said yes, he offered me $100 to drive a couple of girls back to the DMV!" The older man explained.
"So the guy just grabs a random loser off the street when he runs off into the horizon. Need to tell the Sadist about this." She grumbled.
"Kagura-chan, I'd like to start now, please get in the car." The older girl requested.
Sighing, Kagura did as she was asked and slid into the backseat, only to be shoved over rudely by another passenger. "Hey, what's the big idea-Zura?"
"It's not Zura, it's Katsura." The man corrected; Kagura then noticed something different about him. "Get out of the taxi, leader, it is crucial I get to the town square in twenty minutes."
"Zura…why are you wearing sunglasses?" Kagura asked.
"I had my eyes dilated today, so it was just dreadful finding a taxi without the government rationalists tailing me. Please Mr. Taxi Driver, time is of the essence." The eccentric swordsman pushed.
"Oi! This isn't a taxi, get-" Hasagawa was cut-off by Kuriko starting the car, and speeding off. "WHAT RE YOU DOING? YOU DIDN'T EVEN LOOK!"
"But my father has caught up with us, we need to hurry." Kuriko smiled, going faster.
While in the Shinsengumi car, Sougo's anger had shot off the radar, when he saw an armed Katsura enter the car, with his lover still in it. He and Matsudaira readied their bazookas. "Step on it, this is now a hostage situation." Matsudaira didn't flinch when the car sped up, and took aim.
Kuriko smirked dangerously and swerved left and right to dodged the missiles, and sped through the town, which sadly includes the sidewalk.
"WHY ARE YOU ON THE SIDEWALK? CARS DON'T BELONG ON THE SIDEWALK, THE ONLY WHEELS THAT BELONG ON SIDEWALK ARE WHEELCHAIRS!" Hasagawa yelled.
"Really? But father always says that driving on the sidewalk eliminates assassins." The brown-haired girl replied confused.
"ASSASSINS? WHAT ASSASINS? THE ONLY ASSASIN IS YOU!" The grown man yelled. Suddenly, they noticed there was a slight tip to the road, and realized they were at the peak of a large, steep hill, with the town center at the bottom. Elizabeth stood at the bottom, awaiting her master.
"Hey, it's Lizzie." Kagura pointed it out.
"It's not Lizzie, it's Elizabeth." Katsura corrected.
"Oh, then we're going the right way." Kuriko slammed on the gas, and they zoomed down the hill like a racecar.
"AAAAUGGH!" Hasagawa clutched to his seat. "I'M GOING TO DIE! I NEVER GOT TO SAY GOODBYE TO MY WIFE!"
"She dumped you, Madao." The Yato heartlessly replied.
"AT LEAST CONSOLE ME UPON DEATH!" He yelled. He panicked when he saw that they were getting closer. "THIS IS IT! GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!" But then the car skidded to a perfect parallel stop, Katsura handed Kagura a wad of cash as obvious payment and got out.
"Thank you Mr. Taxi driver, have a good day." The revolutionary left with Elizabeth.
"I'M ALIVE! I'M ALIVE! SWEET KAMI-SAMA, I'M ALIVE!" He had tears streaming down his face.
"Great! I'll just take us back to the DMV-"
"No! No need! You pass!" Hasagawa waved his hands desperately at them. The Shinsengumi cars just pulled out and pointed their guns at Hasagawa. "HEY! WHY ARE YOU POINTING THEM AT ME? THEY'RE THE TERRORITS!"
"You shouldn't be blaming incidents on beautiful ladies, Madao-san." Okita walked over to the Yato girl, and wrapped a casual arm around her waist. "Otherwise, I'll bring you in for contempt."
"Ne, Sadist? Can we go to the beach now? I'm bored." Kagura complained.
"You don't want your driver's license, China?" The young man raised a brow.
"Nah. I run faster than that old clunker any day; the only fun thing about cars is having car-sex with Sadist, uh-huh." Kagura replied.
Okita's pants suddenly got very tight, and his grip around her waist became tighter and possessive. "China…Hijikata-san just got the leather in his car-seats reupholstered, let's try them out."
"I'm with you, uh-huh. But what if it smells like mayonnaise?" The girl crinkled her nose at the thought.
"Then Hijikata-san's rotting corpse, will drive out the smell…" The boy skillfully lead the Yato girl away, leaving Madao to his fate, as well as his men to deal with the fiasco.
"OI! WHY AM I BEING ARRESTED? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THIS TIME!" Hasagawa yelled as he was shoved into a cop car, while Kuriko had a much happier ending.
"Yay! I got my license!" A win for teenage girls everywhere, a loss for overprotective fathers.
Next one-shot, coming soon!