Title: If You Wanna Get To Heaven (You Gotta Raise A Little Hell)
Author: confetticas
Rating: PG-13, I think, but I'm honestly not sure. If anyone thinks I'm wrong I can change it!
Genre and/or Pairing: Humor AKA Crack with a side dose of angst because Dean wouldn't cooperate, painfully ignores canon, alwaysagirl!Sam/Gabriel (eventually)
Spoilers: if you know who Gabriel is, you're good, because this story pretends canon doesn't even exist. it also ignores logic and consistent plot and other useful things like that.
Warnings: alwaysagirl!Sam, Gabriel's ego is huge, I don't have a beta, the whole story makes very little sense, and is completely incoherent.
Word Count: 3,170
Summary: Sam has a sense of humor. Gabriel has plans. Everyone else has an opinion. The world may not survive.

-Gabriel-

Gabriel's a little befuddled, to be completely honest. He'd honestly been under the impression that Samantha Winchester didn't even know what a sense of humor was, and working with her for a few months in a somewhat foolish but thankfully successful attempt to stop the apocalypse hadn't dented that impression in the slightest. If anything, it'd confirmed it. Months and months and months, and did the woman crack a single smile? No. Not one.

It could've been guilt, Gabriel's willing to concede that point, but he's not sure even guilt should've been able to bury something this fucking epic.

Really, he should be going overprotective big brother on her ass, but to be honest, Sam's not the only one who's been pranking the crap out of Gabriel's poor naive innocent little brother.

Besides, Deano will undoubtedly do the overprotective bit for him.

Gabriel really can't believe she did this. It's awesome, and epic, and unforgettable - and it's so very much not the Samantha Winchester Gabriel's been working with for the last year. On the other hand, Cas did sort of bring it on himself. What kind of moron tells a PMSing woman that she's 'being completely unreasonable' and is 'overreacting to a somewhat terrifying degree' and doesn't think to run like hell in the aftermath? A particularly moronic brand of moron, that's who. Also known as Gabriel's little brother. The moron.

Ahem.

At any rate, during Deano's attempt to smooth things over (which mostly consisted of Dean adding himself to his sister's shit list and didn't really accomplish anything at all), he'd managed to cajole Castiel into going to get Sam some chocolate. Sam, grinning with far more enthusiasm than the idea warranted, had agreed that this was a perfectly good way for her brother's angel to make amends, and passed him a piece of paper with an address on it.

Gabriel hadn't been able to help himself, as he'd chosen this particular day to spy on the rest of Team Free Will rather than announce his presence and be accused and bickered with for a few hours by the people who're supposed to be his allies, so he'd followed his little brother... to a sex store.

Where he'd promptly burst into laughter as Castiel accosted the cashier in confusion as he didn't see any chocolate.

It's awesome. He'd never have believed little Sammy Winchester had it in her.

But since she does...

He's going to have a lot of fun with this.

-Samantha-

Sam knows the second Gabriel shows up in their latest shithole motel room that something is very definitely up with the archangel. For one, he's grinning ear-to-ear in a way she hasn't seen him do since he agreed to help them fight his brothers, and especially not since they managed to trick Michael and Lucifer into the cage to prevent the apocalypse. This could, theoretically, be a good thing, a natural sign of recovery and the letting go of old pains, but Sam's pretty sure that no one she knows is actually that mentally healthy. Therefore, it isn't a good thing. It's a very, very bad thing.

This is why she, after his appearance, dedicates about ten minutes of sniping in order to chase Dean and Castiel out of the room. And really, it only takes the mention of the little prank she pulled on Cas yesterday to have them running out the door. Sometimes, it's completely awesome to be Samantha Winchester. Not very often, but there are days...

"All right," she says loudly once their respective brothers have vacated the sorry excuse for a motel room. "What did you do, and or what are you planning?"

Gabriel blinks innocently at her. "Who, me?" he asks, mockingly. "Why, Sammy, I'm not the one who sent a poor, naive angel into a sex shop. Pretty sure my li'l bro'll never be the same, ever again, thanks to you."

"Cas survived Meg's advances, the apocalypse, my brother's influence and your influence, I'm sure he'll be fine," Sam retorts sharply. "I'm not a complete idiot, Gabriel. You're up to something."

Gabriel considers this for a moment, plopping down on her bed and snapping a lollipop into existence. "Okay," he concedes, still grinning. "So maybe I'm up to something - but who says that's a bad thing, little miss prankster?"

Sam eyes him, even more wary now. "Let's see... a stolen laptop, deflated tire, one very miserable timeloop and TV land says it can't possibly be good," she replies, somewhat irritated. "And what does my prank on Cas have to do with anything?" she adds reflectively.

"You, Miss Winchester, showed that despite all evidence to the contrary, you possess a sense of humor," Gabriel informs her, sounding thrilled. "A real, actual sense of humor," he adds emphatically. "And I, being me, and therefore completely awesome, have a sense of humor myself. So I was thinking, and you know what's better than two pranksters alone? Two pranksters together. Think about it, Sammy. The things we could accomplish together..."

"You mean, the people we could drive insane," Sam quirks an eyebrow at the archangel, a little puzzled. "I've always had a sense of humor, Gabriel."

Gabriel snorts and stands back up. "You could have fooled me," he replies. "Wait - you did. But that's besides the point," he insists. "Stop protesting and just think for a minute, about all the fun we could have... all the things we could do..." He grins at her, "You know you wanna."

Rather reluctantly, Sam gives it a few minutes consideration, and to her dismay, can't fight the grin stealing across her face.

"Aha!" Gabriel cheers triumphantly. "I knew it."

Sam points a finger at him stubbornly. "We aren't killing anyone," she says bluntly.

Gabriel hesitates, and then sighs. "Can we maim people?" he asks hopefully.

Sam thinks about this for a minute. "If they really, really deserve it," she finally agrees, somewhat hesitantly. Because really, a lot of people don't seem to understand this, but before Dean's deal and Ruby came along, Sam was a good little Christian girl. Listening to Gabriel - the archangel Gabriel and no, thank you very much, Sam is NOT in awe - casually discuss killing and maiming people is a little bit disturbing for her.

"Awesome!" Gabriel exclaims and holds out his hand.

Sam rolls her eyes, contemplates the fact that Deans is going to murder her, and then shakes Gabriel's hand.

-Dean-

Dean isn't really sure what's going on, but he knows it's not good. He can pinpoint when it started - Gabriel showed up the day after Sam's prank on Cas, and since then, nothing's been quite the same.

Mostly, it manifests in that Gabriel and Sam disappear a lot, usually together, and Dean gets a lot of alone time with his own angel, which to be honest, he's not really complaining about. Also, Sam is now, for the first time Dean can recall since she was about, oh fourteen years old, smiling nearly constantly. All the shit that's gone down in their lives and now, Dean's little sister finally seems happy.

It's mostly why he hasn't tried harder to figure out what's going on - Sam's happy. She's really, genuinely happy, and Dean can't find it in himself to find fault with anything that has results like that.

Unless Gabriel's sleeping with her. All bets are off if the archangel is sleeping with Dean's baby sister.

Regardless of how thrilled he is that Sam is happy, it really is a bit strange. Because honestly? Sam's been through a lot of shit and she's put herself through a good portion of it, and Dean's pretty sure his little sister isn't actually emotionally healthy enough to have genuinely worked past it. He doesn't particularly want to be the cause of her happiness shattering, but he does feel the need to find out why it is that she's suddenly so happy.

This conversation will have absolutely no angelic interference. Dean is prepared to ensure this even if it means fighting with Cas for another few months over what, exactly, constitutes the necessity to use the banishing sigil.

"So," Sam says brightly, closing her laptop as soon as Castiel has finally agreed to leave for a couple of hours. "What's the big deal, Dean? Is this going to be one of those talks that requires alcohol? Because I want a warning if it is," she informs him bluntly.

Dean snorts. "No. Yes. - you know, I really don't know," he admits. "Sam, where is it that you and Gabriel go all the time?"

Sam blinks at him. "...seriously?" she asks, incredulous. "You angel-warded our motel room to ask me where Gabriel and I go? Dean, you are the single most paranoid person on this planet," she expresses exasperatedly.

Dean crosses his arms defensively, and wonders why it is that he ever, even for a second, missed his little sister's quirky, sarcastic sense of humor. "Yes," he retorts firmly. "I did. Are you dodging the question?"

"Are you on drugs?" Sam asks her brother doubtfully. "Are you actually trying to interrogate me dad-style? What's next, Dean, where have you been, young lady?" she mimics their father's oft-voiced demand which had practically been the poor man's catchphrase during Sam's later teenage years.

"Sam," Dean says, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Okay. I get it. You feel cornered and don't like it. I understand. Will you please just answer the question? You're making me uncomfortable dodging it like this."

Sam sighs. "Dean..." she grimaces. "Look, it's not as bad as you're going to claim it is. Gabe was... impressed... after I sent Cas to Lover's that day. We talked, he begged, I conceded and we've sort of been... working together?" Oh, she could've worded that better. She really could've.

"...I don't even know where to start with the things that are wrong with that statement," Dean stares at her incredulously. "You're working with a trickster? And don't remind me of who he actually is," he snaps as Sam opens her mouth to protest, "What he is doing is being a trickster, and that's my point."

Sam silently wonders why it is that Gabriel gets to avoid this conversation. That's just completely unfair. "Okay, yes, I am," she confirms, quirking an eyebrow at her brother in challenge. "We haven't killed anyone and he won't while I'm working with him. Some people just have it coming to them and I know you share that belief, Dean. You taught me how to prank, don't try to tell me you think it's wrong."

Dean mulls that over for a minute. "He hasn't killed anyone?"

"Not while I'm around," Sam shrugs.

"Okay. I can work with this," Dean nods to himself. "I'm just going to tell myself that you're doing it to keep him from killing people and it'll spare us all me losing my temper. You," he points at her. "Are not going to screw up this delusion. Agreed?"

Sam grins at him, because yes, that is very definitely her older brother. "Agreed," she answers, grinning.

Dean steps back warily. "You are not going to hug me."

"Oh, yes, I am," Sam counters, and then proceeds to practically tackle him.

Dean protests good-naturedly and silently 'prays' to inform Gabriel that if this backfires on Sam in any way, shape or form, Dean isn't going to hesitate to send him to the pit with his brothers.

-Castiel-

Castiel stares stupidly, unable to fathom that he is actually seeing what his eyes think they're seeing. He opens his mouth, and then closes it again, and firmly ignores Raphael's amused mutterings of how awesome it is that it's Castiel who'll have to deal with this. "I," Castiel starts, still staring, and then shakes his head. It's several moments before he tries again, and all that comes out then is a furious yell of, "GABRIEL!"

"S'up, li'l bro?" Gabriel's leaning against a pillar, grinning mockingly. His gaze slides over to the site that had left Castiel dumbfounded and speechless and his grin widens. "Awesome, right? I can't take all the credit, though. My little apprentice came up with the basic idea."

"A-apprentice?" Castiel's voice cracks in horror at the idea of Gabriel training someone else to be as horrible as he is.

Gabriel nods cheerfully. "I believe you've met. Her name's Samantha, but if you call her that, she gets a little vicious."

Castiel's eyes widen in alarm. "No. No way."

"Yes, yes way," Gabriel counters, beaming happily and looking quite pleased with himself. "I've been teaching her for a few months, though I've got to be honest, I've learned a little from her, as well."

"You - you and Sam are - working together - as a team?" Castiel chokes out, absolutely horrified. This is worse than he'd thought.

Gabriel nods and requests, "Oh, Sammy?"

Sam appears behind Gabriel and proceeds to dumb a large bucket of... gravy? over the archangels head. She grins triumphantly and takes a step backwards as Gabriel gapes unattractively. "You did say it was 'all gravy'," she reminds him.

Gabriel groans as he snaps the gravy away. "That was just bad, Sam," he scolds, grinning in amusement. "The management of Heaven wanted to meet my apprentice," he adds helpfully as Sam eyes Raphael and Castiel warily.

"Oh, they did?" Sam bats her eyebrows at them mockingly. "I'm so flattered."

Castiel moans in nothing short of sheer horror and wonders if it's too late to get killed and stay dead. Raphael would probably be all too happy to oblige him in this wish... it definitely deserves consideration.

"Yes, we did," Raphael agrees, since it seems the actual general of the host is far too horrified to consider speaking coherently. Raphael, quite the opposite of Castiel, looks absolutely delighted. "You know the only thing in all of creation that could actually make this more fun than it already is?"

Sam quirks an eyebrow, astounded. "I thought you hated me?"

"I like chaos," Raphael counters. "You happen to be quite chaotic."

"Thanks," Sam beams at what she and very few other people in all of creation would ever consider a compliment. "So, what could make it more fun?" she wonders curiously.

Gabriel facepalms. "Rafe, really? Do you honestly think that's a good idea?"

"I," Raphael informs Sam, ignoring Gabriel's amused complaint, "Am one of very few angels with the ability to create angels. In very rare cases, I've turned a human soul into an angel. So what d'you say?"

"You're as insane as we are!" Sam exclaims delightedly, staring at Raphael in absolute glee.

Castiel nods, looking quite pained by the truth in the statement.

To Gabriel, Raphael adds, "Then, she would actually be your apprentice. Sam?" he prompts.

"It sort of depends on whether or not I have to come stay up here, because I really think I may be allergic to such large proportions of 'stuffy'," Sam relays honestly. She pauses. "Also, if I'm an angel does it mean Gabriel and I have to stop having sex? Because I'm not sure I can give that up."

Castiel chokes, absolutely horrified, and decides that he's going to erase this conversation from his memory for his own sanity.

Raphael laughs out loud, ignoring Castiel's choked sputters. "No, and no. You are welcome to remain on Earth and why exactly do you think you'd have to stop having sex with Gabriel?"

"Well," Sam shrugs, her eyes sparkling in amusement. "You guys do call each other 'brother' and whatnot and despite what Chuck's crazyass fans think, I'm not into incest."

"It's not even a relatable concept," Raphael replies. "That's a yes, then? Good." He chuckles. "This is going to be so much fun to watch."

Castiel begs to disagree. Vehemently.

-Bobby-

"...you've been playing at being a trickster's apprentice for the last several months, and now you're an angel. Did I miss anything?" Bobby directs the question to Dean instead of Sam, mostly because he's pretty sure that given the chance, Sam'll lie through her teeth to avoid being called an idjit.

Dean nods, grimacing, "She's fucking him, Bobby."

"I didn't need to know that part," Bobby screws his face up in disgust. "Dean, we've had this conversation."

"...Sam does not have sex, and if she does, you do not want to know anything about it, at all, ever," Dean reports dutifully. "Sorry, Bobby."

Sam looks at her surrogate father in disbelief. "You've got to be kidding me!" she exclaims. "That's - all things considered, that's just sexist," she blurts, pointing at her brother. "My idiot big brother regales you with his sexcapades all the time and you don't mind that."

"Sam, there's a difference between a son and a daughter, you wanna know what it is? If I hear about my daughter having sex, I'm obligated to abuse her boyfriend verbally and possibly physically. Do you really want me to acknowledge that you have sex?" Bobby asks her pointedly.

"...nah, I'm good," Sam decides, because even if Gabriel is an archangel, he really doesn't deserve to have Bobby Singer pissed at him. He might survive, but he would probably never be the same.

Bobby nods. "So. You're an angel," he says again.

Sam nods sheepishly. "It was just sort of amusing at the time," she admits.

"It's still amusing," Gabriel counters from the doorway where he's just appeared. "I'm pretty sure it's going to be amusing for the rest of eternity, honestly."

"You're an angel," Bobby repeats, "And a trickster."

Sam nods. "Pretty much," she agrees.

Bobby turns to Dean and, evidently, Castiel, who looks wrung out and exhausted as he slumps into a seat at Bobby's table and thinks a steaming cup of coffee into existence. "Now, I don't know Gabriel very well, but I know Sam, and I'm pretty sure that we oughtta start preparing for another version of the apocalypse, albeit one that'll be mighty amusing to watch."

"It stopped be amusing when they put Christmas tree lights on the Tree of Life," Castiel mumbles.

Bobby looks a little pained. "You know it's only going to get worse, right?"

Instead of answering, Castiel thinks into existence a bottle of whiskey and pours at least a shot of it into his coffee. He nods.

Sam trades offended glances with Gabriel. "Whatever," she says, finally. "We aren't going to end the world. We're just going to... make it more fun," she nods firmly.

Gabriel grins, "Exactly!" he agrees triumphantly.

Bobby stares at them and returns his attention to Dean and Castiel, "If you idjits wanna hide in the panic room, it's bring your own bottle," he informs them gruffly and heads that way himself.

Sam blinks stupidly as Castiel and Dean follow, and then she turns to her lover/mentor. "...wow. What a bunch of pussies."

Gabriel bursts into laughter. All of this because his little brother just had to test the temper of a PMSing hunter.

He totally owes Castiel the world's biggest thank you.