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Chapter 2
James had, after a few minutes, come to a slightly unnerving conclusion.
Sirius was avoiding him.
He wasn't strictly avoiding him, he supposed…they were sitting in the same train compartment, after all…but all of a sudden, over the holidays, Sirius had stopped owling James and the one thank you card Sirius had sent him after Christmas had been bare and lacking his usual good humor.
There was something wrong, there was no doubt about it. Sirius didn't join in their usual harassing of Pete's overly joyful delight at their reuniting or at his awkward stuttering at his long crush of Mary McDonald. James studied him quietly and waited until Remus had gone to the prefect's compartment and Peter had eagerly headed for the trolley before speaking to him. His frown only deepened when Sirius stood up abruptly.
"I think I'll go to the loo, then," He said casually, but the fact that he avoided James' eyes only reinforced his friend's suspicions.
"No, you won't," James said quickly, springing up to block Sirius' way. Sirius' eyes quickly darted down to his feet as he rolled his eyes.
"Sorry, mate, but I can't help it if I've got to go-," The grin he attempted was slightly strained, James thought, as he looked at his friend.
"Come on, Pads, we both know something's up."
Sirius' heartbeat quickened- of course James would know something was wrong- after all, he couldn't pretend he hadn't kissed Lily…
"Nothing's up," Sirius mumbled shiftily, but James rolled his eyes.
"Right," He said, concern crossing his face. "Really, Padfoot, there's nothing you can't tell me-,"
"It's family stuff. It's personal, alright, Prongs?" Sirius said sharply, but James, completely unfazed, raised his eyebrows.
"Really, Sirius… I know your family better than you do," James remarked skeptically. "C'mon…what is it, really? Is it some sort of prank you're planning on playing on me? You know I won't mind…as long as it's not in front of Evans," he added with a grin as an afterthought, the gesture only making Sirius feel worse.
"Look, Prongs…" He sighed. "I…" He hesitated before sinking back into his seat, James following his example. "I did something really stupid."
"Well, I already knew that," James grinned, but his grin faded as Sirius, agitated, ignored him.
"Really stupid," He repeated. "I…don't know if you'll be able to forgive me." Real anxiety flickered over James' face as he processed Sirius' words. His expression grew serious as he met Sirius' eyes.
"Don't be stupid, Padfoot," He said honestly. "There's nothing you could do…unless…" Sirius' heart stopped. "Unless you're a Death Eater."
"No!" Sirius protested, outraged. "I can't believe- you'd think-," He stared at his best mate.
"'Course I didn't think that," James replied seriously. "I know you'd never do that." He smiled. "Anything else I can forgive, then- no need to worry."
"I don't know," Sirius said uneasily. "This…well, it's not Death Eater worthy…but maybe something a Slytherin would do." He swallowed hard. "Something a Black would do."
"Merlin, Pads…" James took a deep breath. "Just tell me already, would you?" Sirius closed his eyes and forced the words out of his mouth.
"I…kissed Lily."
He opened his eyes to see James staring at him, a look of blank incomprehension on his face.
"You…you what?" James whispered, his face paling.
"Kissed Lily," Sirius repeated, cringing at the words. "Merlin, I'm sorry, James…it was a mistake…I wasn't thinking…"
As realization crossed James' face, the look of betrayal and hurt was enough to break through Sirius' tough skin.
"I'm sorry," He repeated weakly. "I…didn't…"
"I've got to go to the loo myself," James said flatly, his eyes filled with pain. "You knew I've loved her for years, Pads."
"I know…it was stupid…I was an idiot…" Sirius took a deep breath. "I was a Black, James." He winced at James' next words, the words cutting deep into him.
"Yeah…you were." Sirius squeezed his eyes shut and only opened them when he heard the slam of the door behind James.
…
"Come on, James, you have to talk to him…or at least come out…we're nearly at Hogwarts."
"He kissed Lily."
"James, I know…he's sorry…he'd never betray you…"
"He kissed Lily."
"He's sorry…he won't speak to anyone! Prongs, c'mon…you can't stay mad at him forever…" There was a pause before Remus received an answer through the small compartment's door.
"The thing about friends," James said, "Is that you've got each other's backs all the time." Remus winced at his next words. "I guess I was wrong."
"James…"
But the only reply was silence.
