A/N:Hola, everyone! Welcome to my newest fic, Beneath Frozen Leaves! Before we start, I'd like you to know that the happiest part about this fic will be my author's notes! YAY!

So, basically, this fic is just an angsty progression of Mattie and Gilbo's relationship. I lack originality.

Warning: Self-injury, mentions of suicide…erm, I think that's bout it.

Disclaimer: Heartache-sama does not own Hetalia! *cries*

ENJOY!

(p.s. this fic jumps between the kinda current stuff that happens between Mattie and Gilbo, and Gilbert's memories and stuffs.)

Mattie had always been the quiet kid across the street. We'd never been friends per se, but I still had a few childhood memories of him. Even as we grew up, though, I always thought of him as that shy little boy who hid behind his boisterous twin brother.

He was lonely, and I knew it. Like a shadow in the back of the room, no one took notice, but they could always feel that weird inexplicable presence just behind them. And every day, Mattie would walk to and from school, lonely and seemingly oblivious to the loud groups of teens around him – the loud groups who yelled and flirted and acted like children; the loud groups that Mattie was never a part of.

I wonder if he ever felt like we were rubbing our happiness in his face.

I pretended that I didn't see him just like everyone else, but occasionally my eyes would sweep over to him in the middle of a class or something, and I'd look just long enough to catch a glimpse of his but never long enough to confirm what emotion it was I was seeing in them. I should talk to him, the thought always flickered through my brain now and again, but I never did.

But now I wish that I had.

I wish that I'd laughed with him. I wish that I'd screamed his name as loud as I could just to let him know that he did exist. I wish that I'd hugged him, touched him, anything to let him know that he was alive and that I would remember him.

But I never had.

Everything happened on a Friday. We'd had midterms and had gotten out way earlier than normal. As I trudged out of the school building with my friends, I grimaced and rubbed my forehead. Useless thoughts kept bouncing around my head – all of them were just worries about my grades and my grandfather's impending disappointment; all of it would feel so meaningless the next day.

Francis and Antonio wanted to hang out after school as we normally did, but I was much too agitated to anything but sleep. So I muttered something about taking a nap, but promised to meet them at the basketball game tonight. With a furious headache pounding against my skull, I headed home, stupidly agonizing about my exams the entire way.

I almost didn't hear the voice at first, it was so quiet. It actually wasn't until I felt something tug at my sleeve that I actually turned around and acknowledged him. And there he was, Matthew Williams, standing behind me, holding my sleeve with an uncertain look on his face. "Yeah?" I questioned, lifting an eyebrow in curiosity.

"Um, w-would you walk home with me?" he stuttered nervously. His violet gaze was downcast, firmly examining his sneakers.

I wasn't sure what to say. Here he was, the quiet boy that I'd been silently observing for years, speaking to me shyly. Now that I was close to him, I could firmly determine that it was overwhelming sadness that resided in those indigo eyes, and it was coupled with oblivious fear and embarrassment. Was he afraid of me or was he afraid of rejection?

I couldn't let him down, not this time. Because whether he knew it or not, I'd already disappointed him more times than I could count, simply because I wasn't brave enough to get up and say something.

So I smiled my big cheesy (sexy) grin and nodded down at him. "Of course! Who wouldn't want to walk home with the awesome me?"

So much for my valiant attempt at talking to him. Our entire walk home was silent, because clearly we were both dorks who had no idea what to say to each other. Every time I thought of a topic – school, hobbies, friends – I second-guessed myself. I was afraid; I was afraid that anything and everything I said would remind him that he was alone.

We stopped in the middle of the quiet street, his house behind me and my house behind him. I only stared at him for a moment, watching as he seemed to struggle with words. At last, I spoke up. "Why? Why did you wanna walk with me, Mattie?"

He seemed surprised, though I wasn't sure why initially. He simply stared at me for awhile, mouth agape and blue-violet eyes wide. And quite suddenly a few tears fell from his eyes. "Y-you know m-my name."

Had he not been crying, I probably would've chuckled and rolled my eyes. As it was, I just rested a hand on his shoulder, though it felt so inadequate and unawesome. "Of course I know your name. We've lived across the street from each other for like eleven years."

I've just been too wimpy to ever actually talk to you.

"Thank you," Mattie said, his voice reverent and grateful. A dazzling smile broke out across his face, overshadowing the tears completely. And suddenly, I was even more regretful; if only I had talked to him sooner, I could've seen this brilliant smile.

Mattie reminded me of a bird; not one of those strong vibrant ones that flittered around our neighborhood, but rather something more obscure residing in the forest. A bird, so silent and yet so beautiful, floating over the tree tops, skimming the edges of the dried leaves that hung weakly on the branches, just close enough to look down and observe them but never close enough to touch.

And maybe I was nothing more than a leaf, reaching and trying to pull him down amongst the rest of the nearly dying leaves, but then I was falling to the ground and he was unreachable.

"Come to the basketball game with me tonight." The words were out of my mouth before I could fully comprehend them, and Matthew simply stared at me as though I'd spoken a foreign language.

"Wh-what?" was his soft reply.

I smiled at him indulgently. "Come to the basketball game with me. C'mon, it'll be fun. I mean, don't get me wrong, basketball totally sucks ass, but everyone's going and the food at the concession stand is always awesome; not to mention you'll be hanging out with the most amazing, coolest, most awesome, badass guy in the world."

Mattie didn't seem quite sure what to do with himself, but soon enough he was nodding, a surprised blush covering his face. "S-sure!" the blond blurted quickly.

"Great, I'll come get you at six." And with that, Matthew and I headed to our respective houses with faintly eager grins on our faces.

Mattie and I had only met once before. Me and gramps and Ludwig had just moved in across the street, and my little bro was helping with the unpacking like the diligent little five year old he was. I, on the other hand, simply sat on one of the unpacked boxes in the middle of the yard. Across the street, some overly hyper blond kid was running through the sprinklers, but he'd paused to watch the huge moving van with wide blue eyes. After awhile he turned and yelled towards his house. "Mom! I wanna go say hi to the new neighbors!"

"Take your brother with you!" A female voice yelled; apparently loudness ran in the family. Almost on cue, the boy's smaller twin brother appeared at the doorway, hesitantly clutching a stuffed bear. His bubbly twin ran up to him, said a few quiet encouraging words, and grabbed his brother's hand, leading him across the street.

I probably could've gotten up to meet them halfway or something, but even back then I was way too awesome to do something like that. Instead, I impatiently waited on my box, kicked my legs back and forth against the cardboard. At last the twins were directly in front of me, and the more energetic of the two was instantly in my face, talking a mile a minute. "Hey, kid! My name's Alfred, but you can call me Hero! I'm gonna be a hero when I grow up, so ya might as well start calling me that now! I'm only five, but I know tons of awesome stuff, cuz ya know, heroes gotta be smart too!" Almost as an afterthought, he pointed to his brother. "And this is my twin bro Mattie! He don't talk much, but he's still really cool! What's your name?"

I smirked and sat up a little straighter. "I'm Gilbert, but you can call me Lord Awesome. I 'm probably – no, definitely – the most awesome kid in the world, so don't be surprised if you're overwhelmed by my awesomeness!" Yes, even back then I was aware of how fucking awesome I am."

Alfred and I chattered on for a little while – though we finally deduced that two people with egos as large as ours could never be friends – and I found myself occasionally glancing at Mattie. He simply played with his stuffed bear, seemingly content, though I had the nagging feeling that he felt left out. I knew I should've made an effort to include him; even back then I had known. But there was just something that held me back, made me hesitate and back off.

And ever since, I had been watching Matthew Williams, always silently concerned but never brave enough to do anything about it.

Liz and I had been dating for about four months, but we'd known each other for much longer. Ever since I'd pushed her sissy friend Roderich in the sandbox in the second grade, we'd been at each other's throats. Admittedly, as much as she kinda pissed me off sometimes, I had limits about how far I was willing to push her. We bickered even now, though Francis swears it's just sexual tension. And maybe he's right. Elizaveta and I haven't had sex yet, and I wasn't quite sure why. Though we certainly enjoy kissing each other – the Awesome Me is a fantastic kisser! – we hadn't quite moved beyond that. It was just another uncomfortable detail to be ignored between us, much like her sidelong glances at Roderich and my many friends-with-benefits; we both knew they existed and occurred, but we never said anything.

I groaned sleepily as my trilling cell phone awoke me from my nap. With my eyes still closed, my hand reached out, snatching my jeans off the floor and trolling the pockets for my phone. I flipped it open without looking at the caller id. "Hello?" I mumbled.

"Where the hell are you?" Liz's voice screeched over the background noise of squeaking shoes and incessant chatter. "You were supposed to meet me at the game an hour ago."

"Fuck," I groaned, much too exhausted to deal with my girlfriend's unending bitching. "What time is it?"

"Are you just getting out of bed? It's 7:30, Gilbert! Francis and Antonio have been calling you for hours, not to mention that I've been waiting for you. Thankfully, Roderich was nice enough to wait with me until you showed up," she sniffed indignantly.

And there it was again, Roderich being tossed into the conversation like a subtle slap in the face. She was comparing me to him, I just knew it; constantly criticizing me for not being a gentleman, criticizing me for actually giving her the time of day, criticizing me for not being Roderich. But I wouldn't say anything because that's not how this twisted game between us works.

I ran a hand through my spiky white hair, yawning as I sat up and swung my legs over the edge of my bed. I sighed, "Quit fucking whining. I'll be there in ten minutes." I didn't stick around long enough to hear her reply but simply ended the call instead. I pulled my jeans back on, slipped a shirt over my head and kicked on my shoes, tugging on a random black hoodie as I walked out the door.

I was forgetting something, I just knew it. And even as I double-checked for my keys and phone and wallet, I couldn't shake this nagging feeling that I was forgetting something that was so very important, and if I didn't remember soon, I would fuck everything up.

I walked to the school, taking my sweet time even though my girlfriend was waiting for me. When I arrived, I paid seven dollars for my overpriced ticket then headed into the school gym, instantly finding myself surrounded by friendly faces. Antonio and Francis caught up to me first, immediately complaining about why the hell I hadn't been answering the phone. Together, the three of us strode out of the gym and headed for the concession stand near the cafeteria. I asked about Liz, but neither of them knew where she was.

And yet, even as I laughed with my bros and shoved nachos into my mouth, I couldn't shake that feeling that I was forgetting something so damn important! The thought made me agitated and irritable. After awhile, I parted ways with my friends to clear my head, making up some excuse about looking for Liz.

I found myself in the library, though it took me a few minutes to realize that it was the library (clearly, this wasn't a place that I spent much time in). A strange noise caught my attention, and I strode through the darkened aisles until I found its source.

There, before my vary eyes, was Liz. She was perched on the edge of a table, her legs wrapped around someone's waist. And there was Roderich, standing before her, sticking his tongue down her throat. And even though I knew deep down that this was what she always wanted, I couldn't help but feel as though I was being compared to him again. Except this time, Roderich returned her feelings, and Liz realized that the real thing was so much better than the replacement, and I was being pushed aside and she was shoving it in my fucking face.

I left, and even as the library door slammed behind me, I knew that this wouldn't deter them.

There was a lone figure sitting on top of a row of lockers up ahead, the dim lights casting shadows so I wasn't quite sure who they were. As I got closer to them, I could hear a few quiet hiccups and a sniffling voice whimpering. "It won't stop," the person murmured softly through a sob.

"Hey, are you okay?" I asked as I approached slowly. The person jumped and tugged at their sleeves before looking at me. Realization hit me like a ton of bricks.

"M-mattie," I muttered before he could speak. A thousand different words rushed to my lips at once – apologies, explanations, all equally inadequate – fighting for dominance. At last, I didn't even bother trying, choosing to just stare at him with guilty red eyes. A thick silence washed over us, and Mattie averted his gaze, gazing at the library doors instead.

It was then that I noticed the blood that was dripping against his fingers. "Birdie, you're bleeding!" I took quick, long strides to him and reached up to grab one of his hands before he could protest. The blood seemed to be coming from his arms rather than his hands as I'd originally thought. I carefully yanked up the sleeve of his bulky red sweatshirt; he tried to squirm away, but I held fast, intent on treating any injury.

I couldn't breathe. The latticework of scars blurred together, and as more tears fell from Matthew's eyes, I knew that this wasn't an accident. His blood smeared the tips of my fingers.

"Please, st-stop looking, Gilbert. It's so ugly," the blond whispered.

For the second time today, I stared into those beautiful indigo eyes and asked, "Why?"

His answer was simple, but it nearly knocked the breath out of me. "You forgot, Gilbert."

"Matthew Williams? Who's that?"

I scoffed and rolled my eyes at Antonio as I flopped into my seat next to him at the lunch table. "He sits behind you in Chemistry, dumbass. You know, Alfred Jones's brother."

"He has a brother?" the Spaniard blurted with a blatantly disbelieving tone. "No way! I didn't even realize anyone sat behind me in Chemistry!"

I wasn't sure why I'd asked about Matthew. I had noticed him in the back of the classroom as I took my seat next to Francis. The Canadian seemed uncharacteristically pleased that day, and he kept staring down at a slip of paper in his hand disbelievingly. All throughout the class period, he glanced at the note, a barely contained smile on his face.

I laughed a little at Antonio's easily excitable demeanor. Like a fucking puppy. I opened my mouth to say something, but a loud commotion distracted me. All around us, students were scrapping their chairs back and leaping to their feet, dashing out of the cafeteria and outside to the courtyard. I saw a massive group gathered around a tree, and Tonio and I stood up as well, eager to witness what was presumably a fight going on outside. Well, I was eager to see the fight, anyway. Antonio probably wanted to stop it, noble fuck that he was.

A few teachers and administrators were headed towards the courtyard , so we hightailed it outside, pushing our way to the front of the semi-circle. I broke through the massive crowd in time to see some burly senior push Matthew Williams, a small shy freshman, to the ground.

One of the other guys ripped the book bag off of Mattie's back and proceeded to pilfer through it, retrieving a stuffed polar bear, worn and dirtied with love. The asshole held up the bear, revealing it to everyone present; around us, everyone broke into malicious taunting laughter.

By now Mattie was crying, and Antonio was nearly shaking in rage at such cruelty taking place before him. And yet, neither of us did anything but watch the scene unfold.

The guy holding Mattie's bear pulled a crimson red Zippo lighter out of his back pocket, holding it up for everyone to see. The crowd cheered, screaming words like "Burn the bear!" and "Slaughter it!" Grinning delightedly for his audience, he grazed his thumb against the flint wheel and a flame sputtered to life. Mattie screamed and begged for him to stop, that mysterious note still clutched in his hand, but the asshole and his audience just laughed more.

He grazed the bear's foot against the flame, and it immediately ignited into something wild and all-consuming. He tossed the burning bear into a large metal garbage can as he and his delighted audience watched, laughing and screaming like animals.

And for an entire day, everyone remembered Matthew Williams.

My breathing was shallow, as Mattie's quietly blunt words had shaken me to my core. I didn't know why I was so affected or why I had allowed this lonely boy to silently crash into my life, but at that moment I felt like just another disappointment for him, tacking up on a lifetime of disappointments.

The library doors creaked open, and Mattie and I turned towards the noise. Elizaveta and Roderich both wore pleased, satiated expressions though this soon faded when they saw me.

"Gilbert," Liz said, her voice calm for once. Her green eyes simply stared at me, and neither of us knew what to say. At last, she spoke again. "I'm…sorry."

I nodded for no particular reason. "Yeah, me too." The four of us just stared at each other for moment, though soon Matthew hopped off of the locker and strode up to me, twining his bloodied fingers between my own. Liz seemed shell-shocked for a moment, but she soon smiled, the first genuine smile she'd ever directed at me.

"Be happy, Gilbert." These were her final words before she took Roderich's hand and walked away from me.

I pulled Matthew's arm up to my face, closely examining the self-inflicted scars that marred his creamy skin. "Mattie…"

"I-I want to give up, Gilbert," he admitted at last with a sigh, an invisible weight toppling off of him once he said the words. "Th-this m-morning, I kept thinking 'I can't do this anymore'." He spread his arms out, as though he were gesturing to the entire, vast world around us. "I just…can't. I feel l-like I want to stop trying, but I'm s-so selfish! I want to experience…life. And this afternoon, I just kept wishing that one person would notice me, one person would remember me for just a few seconds before I leave, and not for something stupid or mean, but for something nice like 'Hey, I walked home with Mattie'. A-and you did, Gilbert, and I was so happy. And it felt like it was okay to give up, because I wasn't totally invisible and you remembered me for a little while." His voice lowered in octave; he stared firmly at the floor, hiding those sad eyes from my gaze. "B-but you promised to remember me again, and I thought that maybe everything would be okay… that maybe I wouldn't have to stop…"

I didn't have any words. Mattie was going to kill himself; If I hadn't asked him to hang out with me, he would've…but then I forgot about him, and he…did this… I hated myself for getting wrapped up in all of this, but mostly I hated myself for having this kind of effect on Mattie – making him happy enough to pleasantly kill himself one moment, and sad enough to injure himself in the next. And under the weight of his admission, I felt like I was falling; just another leaf reaching out to touch a beautiful bird, falling and succumbing to my failure, sifting and sinking beneath all the other rotten leaves.

I reached out and pulled Mattie to my chest. I knew that anything I said wouldn't be enough, so I just held him as he cried, hoping that my physical presence would be enough. My pale hands rubbed his back in calming circles, and I rested my chin on top on his golden blonde hair. It was in that very moment that I swore to myself, never again would I forget Matthew Williams.

Finally, the administrators showed up. The vice-principal strode over with a fire extinguisher and aimed it at the trashcan. The principal broke into the middle of the crowd, threatening detention for anyone who was still lingering. Most of the students scattered away, but a few brave souls stayed to watch the finale of this little scene, because while it wasn't as dramatic, it was just as important.

The guy who had pushed Mattie was long gone – he had slipped into the crowd of observers – but the asshole that'd burned the bear just stood there, flicking the lighter open and closed with a smirk on his face. The principal cited some speech about possessing a lighter on school grounds and burning school property (the trashcan), and right then and there, that smirking little bastard was expelled for all the wrong reasons. I felt myself burning with anger, but it was Antonio who did something.

He strode over to Mattie and wrapped the little Canadian in a hug, pulling him to his feet. He then glared at our principal. "You're punishing him for that?" Never before had I heard Tonio's voice sound so livid and dark. "He just emotionally tortured this kid, and that's all you have to say?" The principal blinked in surprise, not only at Antonio's tone but also Mattie's presence; she hadn't even noticed him, the victim in all of this.

The principal and vice-principal walked off with that asshole, leaving just the three of us. I walked over to the trashcan and pulled out the remains of the bear – a dirtied head with charred, blackened edges around the neck. Mattie stepped forward, reaching out for the head, but I pulled my hand back, staring at him with burning eyes.

"I'll fix it," I declared stubbornly, then stomped off with Antonio scurrying to catch up.

Fixing up a bear ended up being a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would, so I made Feliciano help me. He was more than happy to sacrifice body parts from some of his old stuffed animals, and together we managed to create something that looked like a bear, even though its body parts were all different colors. In a last minute idea, Feliciano had sewn bright red heart onto its chest.

One early Saturday morning, I tugged on a black sweatshirt and tucked the bear under my arm. I dashed across the street, propped the bear on the stoop; I smashed the doorbell a few times before ducking into the bushes to hide. I was curled up in a ball to remain out of sight, so I didn't manage to see who had opened the door. But then I heard a small gasp, and a quiet voice murmured, "Thank you."

A/N: So, what have we learned today boys and girls? That Gilbert is a douche-nator for forgetting Mattie, and Tonio gets evil when justice isn't properly served! Isn't that just delightful?

So, this chapter was pretty damn angsty. I don't plan on the next chapter being quite as sad, though.

Anyone up for a fun fact? This was originally gonna be a oneshot in which Mattie dies. Apparently, I always get second thoughts about character death, though. Hmm…

SEE YA NEXT TIME!