Chapter 4

Sunday, September 6

11:00

Alright: I have a Plan.

Yes, Notebook- A Plan.

A dastardly plan that will uncover the true evil plot that Severus Snape is concocting right under our very noses!

You see, I've been too busy panicking about this. From now on I shall be cool and calm and collected- just like Gabriella Weline- International Woman of Mystery!

Which of course brings me to the point: I need to do research!

Yes, yes. We're all shocked at the implications of a Ravenclaw Arithmancer doing research. Shut up, Notebook.

Where was I?

Right- research!

It's all rather simple: I already infiltrated a (semi) sacred space of his. Admittedly, it turned out to be a bit of a strange bonding session with Albus, but I still learned that he stole Albus's female magazines!

So- obviously I know what the magazines are for. (Evil mind controlling bodice busters!) Which, you know, is quite the achievement. I bet even Gabriella would be impressed.

Which makes me feel pretty good about myself.

I have doubted myself for the last time! I have proven that I too can be an International Woman of Mystery! Severus Snape does not scare me!

… You know. Mouth breathing, mind-controlling tendencies aside.

The point is: Gabriella would know her prey like the back of her hand by now!

And there's only one place that I can possibly find the largest collection of bodice busters known to wizardingkind... In Minerva McGonnagal's rooms.

And I will recognise the evil mind behind the most deprived of these books. I am, after all, the only Snape Expert in existence.

What? I am! I did after all spend most of the Moody-incident year sta- I mean, studying Severus Snape.

Damn it! Now the man's unfounded accusations are nesting in my mind! I must stop this depravity!

Hold on Notebook- things are going to get hairy!

18:00

Oh Notebook! It was horrible! HORRIBLE I tell you!

I have suffered as no person should suffer...

and I haven't even looked at the bloody bodice busters yet.

Oh- the humanity!

The world better bloody well appreciate all of my sacrifices!

I don't know whether I can possibly pen it down... it was far too scarring you see.

Oh, all right Mini-Albus, who seems to have taken perch on my shoulder and keeps telling me that writing it down and not bottling things up will be good for me. If you get off my back I'll do it. Damn you.

Oh Merlin.

I'm hallucinating Tiny Albuses now!

See- this is the result of my trying to be a Woman of Mystery!

Doom! Gloom! Poking! Prodding! The Talk and men!

I want to crawl back into my closet now...

But no! As an international woman of mystery, who carries the fate of the free world upon her (scrawny, droopy) shoulders, I cannot simply hide in my closet! I must face this trauma!

I must write it in my Notebook!

Right. so. Back to the (traumatising) events of today:

I started off by going to meet Minerva (as she today gave me permission to call her). The point was to search her collection of Bodice Busters in order to find the ones that Severus penned.

So I knocked at her door.

"Miranda." She blinked sleepily at me. "What are you doing here?"

"Er. Well, professor, you see, I, uhm..." See? This is the problem with trying to raid an old professor's stack of erotic novels. You get all tongue tied!

"Oh, come now Miranda. You can call me Minerva after all these years." She yawned.

"Erm, yes, I need... books."

"I thought you had those- you always have your nose buried in them!" She squinted at me.

"Yes, but, I need books books. With men. And little to no plot! And lots and lots of... heaving!" I stuttered.

"..." Minerva squinted at me some more before. "Oh! Yes, I see your problem my dear! Come in, come in!"

Well, it was a relief to see that Minerva was such a perceptive woman. I've been told I make absolutely no sense when I'm nervous.

Anyways, I followed her into her rooms in much the same way as a first year follows Severus into his office.

"Right, well. As you undoubtedly know, the school library doesn't carry these books... which makes it so hard for us teachers to spice up our lives. It's a pity really, Albus and I seemed to be the only two people comfortable enough with ourselves to indulge openly... And now, my dear, I find out that you're not the repressed prude that we always thought you were! I am so happy- after all, sometimes only another woman will do, if you know what I mean?"

"Erm... I suppose so?" Because I did. Suppose so.

Of course, my supposition was proven false (along with everything I ever thought I knew about Minerva) with her next action. You see, we were standing next to her huge, glass doored bookcase (filled to the brims with those damned Bodice Busters), and then she suddenly pulled a lever...

And WHA-BAM!

There was an entire room behind it- filled with more bookcases!

Now, my first instinct was to gaze longingly at the sheer awesome size of the place and quickly calculate the amount of books that could be stored within.

Next came outrage because damn! My books were in bloody storage and this woman had space for 1, 234 books (depending on thickness- but I averaged the Bodice Busters' thicknesses here.)! What a rip off!

Then I remembered that this was apparently in part Albus's stash and it made more sense.

By the time curiosity hit, I was exhausted from all the other emotions. But I still managed to find my way inside the room with great haste. I was very curious about Albus's reading fetishes.

Oh Merlin.

It's true what they say: 'Curiosity killed the cat'!

Because I promptly grabbed the first bodice buster (I was worried that maybe Albus was reading Severus's by now) and read the title:

'The Raven of the Lost Sorcerer'.

Which, you know, was a bit corny but seemed alright...

Until I looked at the picture...

Oh no Notebook! I can't- I just can't finish this particular tale of woe and scarringly terrible homoerotic reading material!

… Or, you know, I could just break it to you like that. It's not like you can really be all that shocked.

The point being this: there, brazenly standing in some stangely erotic pose with their nipples erect enough to poke someone's eye out and their, ahem, manhoods in pretty much the same state under their far too tight clothes were two men.

Which was when I realized: I obviously make no sense when I'm nervous.

I'm also pretty sure I was red as the stands during a Gryffindor-Slytherin Quidditch match.

I dropped the book as though burned and turned to Minerva, who was smiling serenely at me.

"Oh, yes. That one is particularly lustful. Albus borrows it every other week you know..."

Which was when I ran.

Don't judge me Notebook!

I had just found out that two of my teachers, people I respected and looked up to were reading heaving homoerotic... erm, books.

If Severus had been here he'd have had a word for books that began with and 'h'.

Not that I wish he were here.

At all.

Because he'd probably just sneer at me.

Though he might blackmail Minerva and Albus into helping him enslave the homosexual part of the world as well...

This is terrible!

I must not let him know this!

Wait, where was I?

18:34

Right.

So.

Running for what little sanity I had left.

Got it.

So I happened to run straight into Aurore Sinistra. Who, of course, looked at me like I'd gone round the bend.

"Miranda... what's gotten into you now?"

"It... Alb-Nerva... homeoreorotoerteec... I mean... gay! Manhood!" I ended up yelling the last part.

Which was exactly when Severus swooped by. He stopped for a moment before he sneered his most disgusted sneer and stormed off.

Which, you know, is normal for him.

But obviously he knows that I know now.

Anyway.

"Miranda, dear, you make no sense when you're nervous. Let's get some tea into you." She gave me a motherly smile as she herded me to the kitchen.

"But- but- but... they were, you know, men!" I tried one last time.

"Shush Miranda! Let's get to the kitchen!" Aurore admonished me and I walked with her like a recalcitrant student.

When she'd sat me down and we were both drinking our cuppas (Well, she was sipping. I was inhaling. I was in shock alright!) she asked: "Mir, is this about that Scragmore gentleman?"

I did a double take. "Septimus? What? How? Why?"

"Mir, I just, you know, need to know if..."

We both sort of looked at each other for a bit and then she sighed.

"I need to know if you've ever had The Talk."

"The what?"

"The Talk. About boys and girls? The birds and the bees? Wands and holsters?"

"Rore! That's terrible!"

"So I'm assuming you've had it then?"

"Yes!"

And I have had it.

It might not have been the best- my mom was always a bit of a prude and my Dad was never really home all that much. So it was my brother who sat me down and told me about 'wands and holsters'.

It was awkward, and it wasn't until I walked in on Marissa Greenblake and Josh Nevertind that I realized what the whole conversation had been about.

"That's a relief."

"It... that... what was that about?" I sputtered.

"Well, you were running down the halls shouting things about 'manhood'."

"That's... it could have been something about a man's honour!"

"Yes- if you were two years old." She gave me a strange look. "Which, sometimes you are. So I suppose it's a plausible explanation."

I glared at her.

It's a lot of pressure, having the fate of the world on your shoulders.

I think I might go down two more places on the Hogwarts Sanity Scale, before I have a complete break down.

"Now," Aurore said, "about the reason I was looking for you..."

"You were looking for me?"

"Of course- I had thought the worst when I was following your yells, but luckily you just had a tiny breakdown."

"Of course." I deadpanned.

"Now- to business: shopping."

The woman had gone round the bend.

I- Miranda Vector- do not do shopping.

"You've gone round the bend." I said.

"Of course not." She sniffed. "I am referring to our little talk last night."

I gave her a blank look.

She sighed. "About my man-handling tips? You know- Septimus Scragmore?"

"Uhhhhhh..." I should say, I tend to have an impeccable memory when it comes to numbers. People- and talks- not so much.

"Oh for- did you write the tips in your diary?"

"It's a notebook actually. And... yes?"

"Wonderful." She nodded decisively at me. "Then have a look at Rule Two: Always Wear Peach Pink."

"Erm, Aurore... I don't think pink is really my thing..."

"Nonsense- peach pink looks wonderful on everyone. That's why it's in the Rules!"

And before I could get another word in edgewise, she was gently sheperding me through the entryway of the castle. I was about to tell her that there was a reason I don't do shopping that had nothing to do with Rebellious Princess Syndrome when I heard Minerva from behind us...

"Miranda dear- you let your book fall and left it behind! The cover is truly inspiring isn't it?"

At this, I promptly ran as quickly as my short legs could carry me, down the lawn and into Hogsmead itself.

All the while thanking Merlin that Minerva was as old as I was short.

"Miranda!" Aurore gasped from beside me as I finally stopped, desperately searching for the clothing store I knew to be here.

"Where is it? Where is that bloody store!"

"Language!" My friend admonished.

"Sorry, but she's after me... and she has it!"

"Right. I'll just pretend it was a spider, instead of some ridiculous thing you're blowing completely out of proportion. Oh for- Miranda! A true lady does not shop for her clothes in little villages! Do you want him to think you're one of those backward American types?"

"Uh... no?"

"Right. Then from now on, no more 'Uh's, 'Ah's or 'Uhm's. Understood?"

"U... I mean, yes?"

"Good. Now, take my arm. I don't suppose you've ever been here..."

Well, we apparated into some ridiculous little cobbled street with couples strolling down it and other ridiculously picturesque qualities.

It still looked like a little town to me.

Aurore, however, seemed oblivious to all this and stepped into a little shop. A bell tinkled merrily as she entered.

The sign said: Diore's House of Fashion.

Which is weird, right?

I hurried after her and blinked as I stepped out of the sunlight into the cool interior, only to see Aurore and a strange man exchange kisses on the cheeks.

She was cheating on Simeon? How dare she! I like Simeon!

"Ah, and you must be her friend..." The man said, speaking in an Italian accent. "Although I thought she said you were a girl...?"

"She is..." Aurore sighed.

And there we get to the reason that I don't shop: people tend to think I'm a very girly boy. I've been told it's because of the hair mostly.

No self respecting witch wears her hair short.

Thing is, I have no real use for long hair.

In fact, it's harder to get chalk and ink out of long hair. Not to mention the fact that it requires brushing. At the moment running my fingers through it is enough.

And I like it that way!

"... Ah. Must be the hair..." He looked me up and down. "And the lack of womanly curves... maybe the clothes are just bulky, no?"

"Alas, no." Aurore sighed. "She just has no natural curves."

"This, it is not a problem. I have an old lady customer with same problem- I make her some curves. But the hair..."

He and Aurore both shudered.

I shot them a glare.

No one touches my hair.

In any case, I spent hours being poked and prodded and having my measurements taken and just generally being criticized for not being womanly enough.

Which is not why there are teardrops on this page. I just have... allergies.

Shut up.

Notebook.

You're so mean!

19:00

Alright.

I'm back.

Without those pesky allergies this time.

Ahem.

Right.

In any case, as we were walking up the castle drive I asked Aurore about the little place we had been.

"Miranda! Do you ever read? That was Morgana!"

"What! I thought she was a woman! And, you know, dead for a long time now..."

"Not the man! The place- it's called Morgana."

"Uhm..."

"Stop that."

"Right. Why is it called Morgana?"

"Because, yes she was an evil witch... but she had brilliant fashion sense."

"... You're joking."

"No! All the best designers have a Fashion House there."

"Right."

"Miranda, dear, listen to me: this whole being divorced from the real world thing isn't good. For you. I worry about you, constantly. You need a man to take care of you- what's going to happen to you when I get married?"

"Wait- you're leaving?"

I was pretty panicky.

I mean, Aurore's the only friend I've ever had.

I'm still not quite sure what made her want to be friends with me. She was a Gryffindor, lovely and popular. And I was the geeky Ravenclaw no one could even see when they passed me in the hall.

It was always: "Oh, sorry, didn't see... Hey Mark!"

"No, no. Well- not yet. Only after we have children. I mean- a mother who works? What kind of mother does that to her children? But we've decided to wait- we want to have a nice nest egg for the children before we go there."

She gave me a calming smile.

I didn't smile back.

I suppose I should have seen it coming- someone like Aurore wasn't going to be an old maid. And all the women at Hogwarts were- old maids that is.

Despite Rolanda Hooch's attempts to seduce Severus.

Haha.

Oh, who am I kidding?

My best friend is leaving.

Damn! There go the allergies again!

22:00

You know what- maybe I should leave all this bookishness behind.

Maybe I should try to get a man.

Maybe I should just let Severus take over the world and concentrate on my future. My happiness and my, erm, love life.

Yes. That's what I'm going to do! I am going to be a mature woman- no- lady from now on. No more of this scribbling in notebooks and no more letting things run wild in my imagination.

I shall also be endeavouring to regulate the hours I keep to those befitting a lady.

So I shall go to bed now.

And not go to the wards.

22:00

But not because I'm hiding from Severus!

Because I'm becoming a lady.

So there.

~HP~

A/N: Uhhhhhhhm… I have an excuse- I mean reason!- for the lateness. Actually, it's a bunch of it and I shall dollop it into "Real Life" and be done with it. I've actually had this written for a while, but posting it just never seemed to happen. I am sooooooo sorry! Please forgive me?

Also:

Wait... what have I done to my Miranda? She's getting all depressed and stuff? Where did the bloody plot and emotional depth come from?

I don't know. I honestly don't.

Give love to DeadTeenWalking for getting me off my ass and into some semblance of trying to overcome a ridiculously bad case of writer's block (ugh).

Thank you for your reviews/alerts/favourites!