Hope and Despair Chapter 21: One Day, a vampire knight fanfic

Zero was many things. He was a hunter, a half-made vampire, a brother, a student, a prefect, a son and a friend. Perhaps even was once a lover. He was many things, and he believed in several unexplainable phenomena. His destiny was an equivalent of bitter and fascinating, border from pain and an ounce of happiness. He didn't dwell in the what-ifs and could-have-beens. (Though his heart clench at the possibilities of the paths he could never walk upon anymore).

Zero was many things but regretting on things that had come to pass wasn't one of them. Or so he'd like to believe.

He held Lily's ear between his long fingers, cradling the all familiar animal in his embrace. When the white horse gave a half-hearted neigh, Zero's hold strengthened by a little. His fingers ghosted along the silky fur as he rested his cheek on the warmth of Lily's neck. What a silly little thing, to wonder how a life that was about to end still could conjure a known feeling into his bleeding heart.

It was a cold evening. It wasn't raining but it'd be later and Zero scoffed at the thoughts of how this often happened in one of those cliché movies when it came to the dying part.

Lily neighed again. Her heart went thump...thump instead of thump thump thump.

Zero smiled.

They were alone in the stable.

"I'd want to say something sad but I'm out of sentiment to quote anything now. You'll just have to make do with my presence because right now-" Zero thought it was rather odd he was trying to connect heart to heart with an animal but then again, this was Lily. "-I'm trying to reassure you that you won't die alone."

If Lily could talk, Zero knew it'd tell him to 'shut it you talk too much' and 'just continue to pet me like a good friend you are supposed to be'. Zero chuckled at the notion.

(The vet said 'It's incurable. The only thing we can do now is wait')

The sky was slowly pacing and in minutes (as Zero stared distantly into the open field where Lily used to run and gallop freely) there was one heartbeat thrummed in the stable.

Later tonight, instead of white and red, Zero had his suspicion that he'd dream of white and snow. Then he'd wake up from his dream and wonder about Lily. It was a too familiar feeling it wouldn't scratch and gnaw at his heart like a parasite. Not anymore.

Pain was what Zero was accustomed to now. Especially loss.

Zero closed his eyes and exhaled. He wanted a small nap, and though Lily was gone, her form pliant, even in death, there was a left-over of her heat left in her.

So Zero took a nap by Lily's side. It wouldn't kill him to pretend she was still there, annoyed at him.

Zero dreamed of his brother: weak smile and clinging to his arm like a koala. It didn't matter though because Zero loved his brother and he chose a silver pureblood over him. Zero dreamed of his parents: they were proud of him and they showed it through their actions and words. It didn't matter though because Zero loved them and they viewed him as a new weapon that would bring Kiryu to the top of the food chain.

He dreamed of his past, except for Yuki but he dreamed of her too. She smiled and assured him he wasn't alone and it'd be okay to be broken and hurt because he was still a human. She hurt him, bad, but there was part of him that still loved her. He would always love her and he thought it was as close as she could get it for his forgiveness.

He dreamed and dreamed and Zero murmured a gasp of 'I was so lonely'.

When he woke up, it was due to a constant soft stir on his shoulder. His eyes trembled slightly. He finally looked up to the shadow stood before him. Zero saw Shiki with his deflated, small smile.

"Kiryu-senpai," The half-pureblood looked as his smile slowly losing its shine. "We should...do something for her."

Zero nodded.

If he dreamed of Kaname and himself standing closer with a little distance between them while they held each other's eyes, a string of red ribbon tied around their wrist (not their pinkie finger) as Kaname muttered 'I want to keep you safe' - well, he wouldn't dwell on it too.

He remembered the scene for weeks ago all too well.

Kaname saw Shiki with his arms around him-

Their eyes met briefly-

Zero turned away and looked into the cold distance-

Shiki stirred but his strength never faltered around him-

Kaname's steps dipped far away, and away, and away until the only thing left behind was the rustling of the green leaves.

It was quiet after that.

"Kiryu-senpai?"

Zero smiled. "Yeah, okay. Let's go."

First week, first month

'God isn't nice, you say?'

Zero crunched the cookie between his lower and upper teeth in a sluggish manner. His left leg crossed atop the right one, the book in his hand parched between his fingers as he used his thumb to open the next page.

'Then let us put this way: God is menace because He created Hell? Then when the time comes and all souls are to be put between two paths, should He put the evilest, cruellest, souls in the Heaven? A place where the kindest spirits will rest for eternity-'

Zero slicked open the next page- 'And so amidst the tryst and aster-'

Next page- 'How can we expect to love ourselves when we can't even learn to love other-', he jumped two pages, and then three, and four and in midst of uncertainty and the bizarre chocking feeling that gnawing at his chest for days; Zero jumped (more like slammed) to the very last page where 'And life is an endless circle of agony' printed on the last line.

"Damn right." The hunter muttered.

When he put the book down on his laps, for a brief second he let his mind wander across the lane and light of sky in his mind. He was a mess, a silly little boy with a tragic cliché past. A silly little boy who couldn't change his life. A silly little boy who was dramatically in love with a wrong person.

(But-)

No one could bring peace with beautiful words and intensified ideals alone. This was how he could describe his life.

Somewhere -Zero secretly hoped - someone with brunette hair and bleeding red eyes better have felt the same way he did.

He wanted Kaname to hurt.

He wanted Kaname to apologize.

Zero fell asleep mumbling the name under his breath. His dream was blank and dark.

Zero woke up to find a small note wedged under his door.

'Sorry' the content of the letter said.

Second week, first month

"Kiryu-senpai, why does the apron's caption say 'Kiss the Cook?" Shiki raised a brow at the ridiculousness of humans and their indescribable slogans. Honestly, if it were up to him, the half-pureblood would gladly comply and kiss the cook but said cook would-... From where Shiki was sitting, he could say he thoroughly enjoyed the view of Zero preparing dinner for himself.

Zero blinked, one hand holding the pan while the other rested on his hip.

"It isn't mine. It's the headmaster's."

This time, it was Shiki's turn to blink. "That...doesn't surprise me."

Zero's melodious chuckle made something near Shiki's heart grunt in bliss and a little pinch of melancholy.

"Kiryu-senpai, next time I-"

Zero's smile didn't reach his eyes, but when he directed a quirk of his lips at Shiki, the half-pureblood knew this was the limit. This was the only comfort he could bask himself in. It wasn't enough but it was adequate in this lifetime.

The prefect turned off the heater; he sauntered towards the younger boy and gave a quick kiss on his forehead. "Thank you, Shiki. For everything."

For being here, for your kindness. I was so alone before.

The boy merely nodded. Behind his far-fetched memory, Shiki remembered his mother's saying (It's so fun to see people in love. Especially when it's an unrequited love).

"In the next lifetime, let's get to know each other again, Kiryu-senpai."

"Yeah," Zero agreed, "Okay."

When Zero entered his room, he saw a small note on his desk.

'Sorry' the letter said.

Kaname smiled. His eyes closed but his long nails brushed against the silver strands, and even though the shadow was thick and the room was free from light; he knew the familiar violet eyes would be on his face, searching for his hidden emotions.

This was wrong. A pureblood didn't have good dreams. A pureblood did not dream.

And yet- "Kaname, I'm cold."

Kaname's smile widened. His hands opted out into the shadow and when his lids fluttered open, his nails reached the empty vast of quilts on the bed.

Kaname went back to sleep.

Third week, first month,

"It's said that a swan sings a melodious tune to attract its other half and even though it's beautiful, none comes to answer the solitary hum."

Zero lifted his head to acknowledge the girl. Yuki's smile was weak but desperate. He didn't forgive her, not yet, but one day. Even so, that 'one day' could be any day. It could be near and it could be far, yet, one day he'd forgive her.

She just had to wait a little longer until the cracked wound in his heart dissipated.

"It must suck to be the swan."

Yuki raised a brow. "Not really. Because in the end 'The swan cries as its tears falls into the lake. The other half hears the drop of crystalline liquid and answers the swan's call'."

Zero gave Yuki a baffled look, "That's one weird book you're reading."

Yuki shrugged, "Not as weird as our lives."

True.

Zero hopped on his bed, snatching the small note on his pillow.

'Sorry' scribbled on the letter.

Zero entered the kitchen when he saw a small note on the table.

'Sorry' written in soft momentum on the letter.

Zero felt his pocket when his fingers rested on a small note. He pulled out and read it.

'Sorry'

Zero found the small note and read it.

'Sorry'

Zero creaked open the half-door to the stable when he saw the small note on the hay.

'Sorry' pasted on it.

Fourth week, first month,

Kaname was there. In the living room. With Yuki.

The boy made a step to leave -because Kaname shouldn't be here. Or it was him who shouldn't be here because today was Tuesday and on Tuesday, he didn't come to Yuki's place to cook her favourite pasta - but a soft laugh from the pureblood ceased his haste.

I missed that laugh.

"I don't know how to tell him," Kaname's voice, gentle and sacred. As if he was about to speak the most sacrosanct subject. Maybe it was. Zero leaned against the walls. He heard a rustle.

"Kaname-senpai-" A doubt in Yuki's tone. Scared and heartbroken but also encouraging.

"I can have everything in this world. I already have everything in this world but even in such way, all I want are the little things he can offer to me. I-"

Zero headed towards the door. He wondered if Kaname stopped because he felt his presence lurking at the other side of the room. Perhaps. Zero didn't care.

"I do not know how to apologize. It's not in my nature. But I want him."

Zero closed the door behind him slowly.

He heard the last part loud and clear.

Maybe.

One day.

He wanted to talk to Kaname again.

Maybe.

One day.

He wanted things to return to the way they used to.

Maybe.

One day.

Who knew?