Love and Hate

Summary – Fiona reflects on the Michael she loves and the Michael she hates.

The Michael I love inspires me to be a better person. He fights for the victims of con artists, human traffickers and domestic violence. When that Michael asks me for a favour I always want to say yes because I will follow that Michael anywhere. He would give up his life for an innocent person and he seems like a superhero, totally good, totally trustworthy and completely incorruptible.

The Michael I hate chooses his job over me and will not compromise his nature. He left me in the middle of the night when his handler ordered him out of Ireland. No note, no explanation. I woke up and he was gone. He makes me cry because he won't just be with me, he wants to be somewhere else and even though he doesn't object to me coming along for the ride, he's a patriot who lives for a larger cause. This Michael lives for his work. The career which saved him from his abusive home life as a teenager will never stop receiving his worship. Covert intelligence challenged him, grew him, matured him and made him into the man he is today. The military valued him, told him the truth about the evil in the world and honed his already formidable skills. Being a spy isn't a job for him, being a spy represents the totality of his identity; all he wants for himself.

The Michael I love respects my intelligence and my abilities. He trusts me with his life and the lives of others. He considers my perspective and lets me be "the muscle" He's never looked down on me for being a girl and his mind is put at ease when he knows I have a gun trained on whatever bad guy he's meeting with. He will take a job and provide me with backup just because I ask him to; just because he cares for me. He's polite to my boyfriend just to make me happy and he'll tolerate me baiting him because he wants me around.

The Michael I hate backhanded me across the face to preserve his cover I.D. I hate him because he can use his strength and abilities against me and I didn't see it coming. Michael could kill me with his bare hands if he chose. He's two heads taller than me and ten times stronger and I hate him because there is nothing I can do to defend myself against him.

The Michael I love forgives me anything and forgives me instantly. He forgave me when I nearly blew an operation because I lost my temper. No accusations, no cruelty, no anger, just the willingness to fix the problem himself, no matter what it cost him. He forgave me when I admitted I kissed another man. There was no anger, no desire for revenge, just love trust and gentleness. He'll forgive me and make me a pot of tea when I can't forgive myself.

The Michael I hate makes love to me then the next morning tells me we can't be together. The Michael I hate believes that sex means nothing and he takes months, sometimes years to realise how scarred my heart is by his attitude. The Michael I hate is offended when I protect myself by leaving his flat before he gets back with breakfast. The Michael I hate refuses to talk about our relationship because he wants my tactical support and friendship, but he couldn't be bothered dealing with what's in my heart...or his.

The Michael I love brings me gifts like guns, sushi and money for shopping. He takes me out to dinner and can make me shiver with the lightest touch of his hand. He can hold me in his arms and make me forget all about a bullet wound, a dislocated shoulder and a cut forehead because I'm too distracted to remember pain. All I feel is him.