Chapter 34: The Pain of Memories

** SLIGHT SMUT WARNING**

*Still Memory*

I couldn't form words so I grabbed his hair and tugged him down to meet my lips. His hands went behind my back, pulling me flush to his body. We moved back to the desk and he lifted me up, sitting me on it. He slid his head around my stomach and up to my breast, massaging it gently. It caused me to gasp and a moan slipped out. He was quick to notice that my bra clasp was in the front and undid it, letting my breast bounce free. He began to massage them both as he trailed kisses along my neck, heading down. We had fooled around before but I never let it get too far.

But this was different, I didn't want to stop him and I didn't want to stop myself. There was too much between us, I couldn't deny it. I leaned back onto the desk, pushing whatever was on it off and pulled him on top of me. He pulled away, tugging his wand from his robes and pointed it at the door. "Colloportus." he whispered, making the cracked door slam and lock. He then used a spell and moved a bookcase in front of it. He turned back to me, tugging his robe and shirt off in one movement. He pushed my ripped shirt and bra off and hooked his finger around my skirt.

He pulled it down, bringing my panties with it. He unbuckled his pants and kicked them off before pausing. "Phoebe…are you sure about this? I mean this is a lot…a big step." I nodded without a thought, we needed this, right now. He stroked himself a couple times before his fingers traveled down my chest and stomach, to my privates. I breathed out fast, feeling something I hadn't felt before. He stumbled at first and but found a rhythm and another feeling took over. I gripped the desk, unsure of what I was supposed to be doing but my mind was only focusing on the way he was making me feel.

He removed his finger and took my hand, placing it on his member and showing me how he wanted me to stroke it. I found the pace he liked and he let out a groan shortly after, leaning his head back. He pulled me to him, pressing our privates together, he was right at my center and paused again. "Really sure?" I rolled my eyes and grabbed his hips, pulling him to me as I whimpered at the pain and he groaned but didn't move. "Are you alright?" he asked, although I could see the pleasure in his face along with the concern. I nodded and kissed him and he began to move gently, slowly…lovingly.

**END SMUT**

Our passions didn't last very long before we were both spent and collapsed onto the ground in our pile of clothes. I was breathing heavily and laying against his chest as he just smiled at me. I pulled myself away from him and began to dress, careful of the soreness between my legs. Sirius was confused but followed suit. He gave me his shirt since mine was ripped open. I was grateful, I didn't want to walk back to the common room holding my shirt together. At least if it was Sirius, he could say he got into a scrap and no one would question it.

It was too big, but my robe helped cover it enough so that it wouldn't get looks. I saw Sirius trying to get into mine and began to laugh. Clearly too small even for his lean figure, he was struggling. "Sirius, forget it. Just wear your robe. Say you lost it or something." I said as I finished dressing and was waiting for him to let me out of the room. He tucked my shirt up and shoved it in his robe, saying he would get someone to fix it and he would return it. He gave me a head spinning kiss before he opened the door and went out first, making sure the coast was clear.

I waited for a while, thinking about what just happened…when I realized that I loved him too. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to let everyone know that I cared deeply for him. Then I realized what that would mean. After years and years of pretending to hate each other and had everyone believing it. As much as I wanted to be with Sirius, I started to think it was be too hard to get people to believe that we actually wanted to be together. I felt a tear roll down my face, I knew what I was going to do and it was breaking my heart every step I took closer.

When I made it to the common room, it was nearly empty and my eyes were dry. I looked around and saw a couple people still talking, but yawning. I sat in a window beside the fireplace and waited until they were all gone. When I was alone, I moved to the couch and waited, knowing Sirius would show up a some point. I wasn't waiting long when he snuck down, smiling at me and joining me by the fire. "Hey…why are you still up? I knew there was a reason I couldn't sleep." "Sirius, we need to talk." his smile faded and he took my hand. "What's wrong?"

"Today was amazing…" "I know! It was perfect! You were perfect!" his voice was growing loud and I shushed him back down onto the couch and stood in front of him. I knew I wouldn't have the guts to stay much longer and do this. I blurted it out, "We can't be together. I'm sorry. It's never going to work. This is really the end this time. We will not have anything between us anymore. Don't try to change my mind, I won't do it anymore." his face turned from happy to sad, then he snickered. "Oh Phoebe that's crazy. You know we can't change our feelings. Our love."

I sighed, he was so stubborn and I knew it was going to be hard. I would have to make him see that I was serious. That I…didn't care for him anymore. The tears began to flow again and I stepped back, pulling my arms to hug myself. "Sirius…I don't love you. It's never been love." I stifled a sob as he got to his feet and I turned and took off up the girl's stairs, knowing he wouldn't be able to follow me. I cried myself to sleep that night, silently so I wouldn't wake anyone and get attention I didn't want. I would have to face him tomorrow and hope he didn't do anything stupid like confess in front of everyone.

**End Memory**

I blinked, seeing the sky was beginning to change, I went back to the classroom and found it empty, I guess the classes changed and the kids were to their next class. I sighed, I had a free period. I didn't want to think of the bad memories when Sirius and I had finally found each other again. I needed to get my mind off of this. I walked around the school, searching for something, anything to do. It wasn't long before I heard a bunch of noise from a courtyard, a group of people all laughing or making disagreeing sounds.

I moved closer and saw Mad-Eye Moody flicking his wand and a white ferret was bouncing in the air. McGonagall was rushing over, scolding Mad-Eye as she came over. I watched with everyone as the ferret turned back into Draco and he hurried off, saying something about his father. McGonagall spoke with Mad-Eye again and then they left. The students began to go back to their classes and I saw the trio near the center. I wasn't sure what I would say to Harry but I needed to talk to someone. I called out to him, beckoning him to come over. "Harry, come here real quick."