It's been a while! But the CATverse is back on track. Feel free to visit our website (catverse dot com), which is back up after our recent server trouble, or our spiffy new livejournal (catverse dot livejournal dot com), which will contain the revised editions of all our stories-in proper order! Don't worry, we're not leaving ff dot net; we'll be posting everything here and there in the future. Here you'll have the advantage of getting to read things sooner, but there you'll get bonus materials that may not be found anywhere else.

Between me and BiteMeTechie, there should be a flurry of activity over the next month. Besides CATverse stuff, I will also be posting the fics I still owe for the helpthesouth auction, which are almost finished, I swear.

This one is for Abbi, who reminded me why it mattered.

It takes place after "Long Walk Down a Short Dirt Road," in October, 2014.

Oh, and since this site is getting stupider and stupider about erasing old scene breaks, they will henceforth be denoted by a centered 0, which seems only fitting.

The engagement of Dick Grayson to Christina De Whitt-Pierre splashed its way across the Gotham society pages as if he had never left. The gypsy circus boy had been out of his element when he came with Bruce Wayne to his first high society party at the age of twelve (serving as Bruce's excuse to duck out early.) And years later, he had no problem returning to a less posturing life, working for a living and only fulfilling his social obligations by joining his cop buddies for a beer after work. But Gotham couldn't forget that, adopted or not, he was Bruce Wayne's son. Even in Bludhaven, he was one of them.

Selina Kyle had always liked the kid. He never took anything too seriously, and Bruce needed that. And he had good sense, and sometimes Bruce needed that, too.

But that sense wasn't showing now. Last time she had spoken to Bruce, he had been worried that his boy wasn't making friends in his new city. Oh, he hadn't said so—Bruce was too uptight to admit a little thing like worry. But she could hear it in every reference he made to Dick's ex, Commissioner Gordon's daughter, the geek-chic redhead. If Bruce's father had been around during his adolescence, the big dope would have known that parental approval didn't necessarily lead to love, marriage, and a baby carriage.

But the point was that Dick hadn't been seeing anyone. Now, barely a month later, the kid was engaged. It just didn't add up.

And when things didn't add up in this particular manner, Catwoman knew exactly where to turn.

"Poison Ivy?"

"She's not in her usual place in the park," Selina said, almost apologetically. "I thought you might have some idea of where to find her. You're friends with Harley, aren't you?" The Scarecrow's henchgirl burst out laughing. "Okay, I'll take that as a no."

"Sorry. I don't get along with the weed tree or the pass-along." Gardening insults? Selina wondered, but decided not to question it. "Let me get Al, though. She can probably help."

"Sure…" Reluctantly, she followed Techie into the Scarecrow's lair, hoping the boss wasn't around. There had been bad blood between the two of them ever since he'd tested his toxin on one of her cats. She had retaliated by burning down his library, which, she realized later, might have been a bit of an overreaction. After all, Sheba had recovered after plenty of affection. If she had it to do over, she would have at least waited until he was out of the room.

"Hey, Al!"

"Hey, what?"

"Hey, get your ass out here, smeghead."

The other hench-wench appeared in the doorway.

"Wha-a-at?"

Selina smiled. Purple streaks in the hair. She liked that.

"Hi, there. Al, is it?"

"Oh, it's you."

Well, that wasn't the greeting she had been expecting.

"Yeah. It's me. That a problem?"

"Don't say it, Al," Techie interrupted. Al frowned.

"You don't even know what I—"

"Yes, I do. I know that look." She shot a smirk in Selina's direction. "Your reputation precedes you, Catwoman."

"She set S-Jonathan on fire."

"That was a long time ago," Selina scoffed. "Ivy's done it four times since then."

"I d—four?"

"Four?" Techie repeated. "Four times?" Selina shrugged.

"Everyone does it. The man was born to be kindling."

Al started to come across the table at her, fist cocked. Techie held her friend back.

"No, Al! You can't kill Catwoman!"

"Why not? The bitch deserves it!"

"I'm sure she had a good reason. Didn't you?"

"Of course," said Selina. "He hurt my cat."

Techie let go of Al, who fell on the coffee table.

"He hurt a cat? I'll kill him!"

"She already set him on fire," Al said sharply, glaring hard at Selina.

"Technically, I didn't," Selina pointed out. She couldn't help smirking as she said it. "I set the room on fire. I didn't know he was in there when I torched it."

"You burned his books!" Al yelled. She looked at Techie, obviously expecting this to be the argument that brought her friend around to her point of view. Techie waved her arms as if she were swatting at a swarm of mosquitoes.

"Her cat!"

"His books!"

"A defenseless living creature!"

"The sum of our cultural heritage and the pinnacle of our knowledge!"

"What are you girls shouting ab—oh."

Selina turned to see the other half of the subject of the argument standing in the doorway behind her, squinting without his glasses. He was half dressed in a tattered bathrobe and pajama pants, and if his pink cheeks were any indication, he was very much wishing he had made himself a little less vulnerable before wandering out into the open.

"Are you just getting up?" she asked pleasantly. "It's past noon."

He pulled the robe tight around himself and glared at Al.

"What is she doing here?"

"I didn't invite her. Jonathan, tell Techie that books carry an intrinsic value that's irrevocably lost when they're destroyed!"

"Selina," Techie argued, glowering at Al, "tell her that cats are living things with value of their own and that it is morally imperative that we live up to the responsibility of caring for the pets that we've bred to be dependent on us!"

Selina started to smile, until she saw how hard Crane was glaring at her.

"Well, she's right," she said. He looked like he wanted to take her head off. She laughed.

"You can laugh," Crane grumbled. "Your little fleabag recovered just fine."

"No thanks to you."

"I never intended to kill it, you know. But after what you did, believe me, I wished I had."

She sniffed derisively.

"You deserve to be in Arkham, you monster."

"And you deserve the seat Elsa Schneider is saving for you in Hell."

Techie burst out laughing. Selina frowned. What was that supposed to mean?

"Indiana Jones," Al explained. "He's comparing you to the Nazis." Selina rolled her eyes. Al stomped her foot. "The Nazis! Burned! Books!"

"And people," Selina pointed out.

"It's the same! Burning books is destroying ideas, and our minds are what make us human! Oh, where's the Captain? This is her argument. Without our ability to create ideas, we're nothing more than animals."

Selina frowned.

"And that makes it okay to torture a cat?"

"She didn't say that," Crane snapped. "She said human achievement was more important than non-sentient life. She respects the mind's power."

Al grinned broadly.

"Squishy's on my side!"

"Squishy?" Selina repeated. He sagged, covering his eyes with one hand.

"Al!"

"Sorry..."

"Squishy?" Selina said again with a delighted laugh. "And just what does that mean?"

"It means shut up, Catwoman," Techie said, evidently switching sides. "At least no one makes hot pussy jokes behind his back."

Selina smirked.

"Well, why would they?"

The girls hesitated over their response long enough for Selina to cross over to the boss. He batted her hand away when she would have reached out and touched him.

"Catwoman, get out of my house."

"Oh, really? Do you mean that? I'm hurt. That's not what you said last time. 'Come back here,'" she purred seductively. "'When I get my hands on you...'"

He grabbed her by the wrist and shoved her toward the door.

"Out!"

"Don't touch me, cat killer."

"He didn't kill your smegging cat," said Al. Techie made an argumentative noise. Crane let go of Selina and glared at his minion.

"What I did to her spoiled pet twelve years ago is no different from what I did to the drifter you brought me this morning. And what I do, I do in the name of science."

"In the name of science!" Selina mocked, and struck a dramatic pose.

"I think that's just about enough out of you." He steered her toward the door, gripping her arms hard enough to bruise. Her automatic response was to hiss and scratch.

She might have been a little more polite if it hadn't been so obvious that he wasn't carrying any toxin. She didn't enjoy the feeling of crippling terror, after all. But as it was, the best he could do was take an unfocused swing at her. She let him throw himself off balance, and took a knee to his ribs.

They hit the floor together and rolled. For a moment, he was on top of her. Then a twitch of the fingers brought out the retractable claws in her gloves, and she swiped at his eyes. He turned his head fast enough to avoid being blinded, but he couldn't stop her from opening up a fairly deep gash along his temple. She threw him off, came up, and planted a knee on his chest. His fist slammed against her chin, knocking her head back. She cursed and drew back to slash him with the claws again.

"Hey, now!" Al and Techie each grabbed one of Selina's arms and dragged her away from their boss. Furiously, she kicked out at him, and managed to connect with his nose just as he was sitting up.

"You-!" Unable to think of anything effective, he threw himself at her.

"No, Squishy!" Techie let go of Selina to hold him off.

"Come on, Squishy," Selina taunted. She swiped at him, and managed to get her claws caught in Techie's hair.

"Ow!" Techie yelped. "God damn it, Al, I've had enough of this! Throw her in the freezer." At that, Crane stopped trying to get at her through the human shield. Selina took the opportunity to kick him in the shin. He gave up any idea of a truce and shoved Techie out of the way, leaving a knot of hair dangling from Selina's glove.

Al released Selina and tackled Crane instead.

"Stop it! You're acting like children!"

"Get off me, Al!" He squirmed violently, unable to get out from underneath his lackey. She stoically took an elbow to the face and continued to hold him down.

Techie grabbed Selina from behind, pinning her arms behind her back and lifting her so her feet were barely touching the floor.

"Kitchen! March!"

She kicked like an angry toddler, heels drumming against Techie's shins. The henchgirl decided it would be easier just to carry her.

She heard a grunt of exertion from Al.

"Have you been eating three squares a day? I'm so proud of you!"

"Put me down!" he protested.

"Squish!"

Something unspeakable must have accompanied the exclamation. He squawked and, if Selina heard right, started beating the hell out of her.

"Al," said Techie, "don't pinch the Scarecrow's ass."

"I-uff-spine, Squishy-need that for walking."

Selina was laughing too hard to fight back very effectively when Techie shoved her into the walk-in freezer unit wedged into one corner of the kitchen. She was delighted to see Crane slung over Al's shoulder like a sack of potatoes, held mostly immobile, kicking at her face and slamming his elbow into her ribs.

Al threw him in the freezer with Selina, banging his head on the frame as she did so. If either she or Techie had noticed, they might have revised their plans. But they didn't.

"You can come out when you've resolved your differences!"

The door slammed shut, plunging them into darkness.

"The hell with that!" Selina clambered over the stunned Scarecrow, taking little care with the placement of her knees, and threw her weight against the door. It didn't budge. "You open this goddamn door and let me out of here!" She felt Crane press himself up next to her.

"Al!" He pounded his fist against the door. "Al, I swear by all that's holy, if you don't let me out of here, you're going to regret it!" He was slurring a little.

With a series of rhythmic bangs, the motor cut out. Oh, good. At least the girls didn't intend for them to freeze to death.

Selina moved back, leaving Crane to fight with the door on his own. Her eyes were adjusting to the dark, showing her…a whole lot of nothing. The freezer was empty, nothing but ice clinging to the walls.

"Why do you have this thing?" Selina snapped. Crane banged on the door one last time and then slumped against it, defeated.

"They saw it. They wanted it. What they want, they get."

"And why do you have them?"

He shrugged.

"They want to be here. Keep up, Catwoman."

Hang on…the freezer wasn't completely empty. There was an axe strapped to the wall by the door. Of course! She pried it loose.

Crane's head came up, eyes widening.

"What—"

"Move."

He just barely had time to duck. The axe impacted on the door and bounced off.

"What are you doing, you dimwit?"

"Chopping through the door, what do you think? That's what the axe is there for." She tried again, with the same results. "And you really shouldn't insult the woman with the weapon. Dumbass."

"That axe is useless. The girls have gotten their hands on it. They'll have dulled the blade slicing frozen cookie dough. Simpleton."

"It's still good," she protested.

"No. It really isn't."

She whacked him in the shoulder to demonstrate the axe's effectiveness. He bit back something unintelligible and kicked at her, clutching his arm, which wasn't bleeding, but was probably bruised.

"Don't start, skinny. You know I'll kick your ass."

He scooted away from her and wedged himself into the far corner.

"You started it," he muttered petulantly.

"Yeah, whatever." She went back to attacking the door with the blunted axe.

0

"They will be okay in there, won't they?" Al pondered. Techie shrugged.

"You think too much, Number One. It's not like we're going to leave them alone for more than a couple of hours or so."

"But what if they hurt each other?"

"He's unarmed."

"What if she hurts him?" Al clarified. Techie hesitated.

"Nah. She's supposed to be the sane one. Besides, they're both civilized adults. They're smart enough to work something out."

"If you say so," Al sighed, clearly unconvinced. Techie decided to change the subject.

"What do you think she wants with Poison Ivy?"

Al shrugged.

"I dunno."

"We should find out."

"Why? What do we care about Poison Ivy? Let her take a weed whacker to Wayne Towers if that's what she really wants."

"But Wayne Towers is pretty," Techie argued. Al sighed in defeat.

"Do you promise we'll be back soon?"

"Yes. Come on. You know I'm not going to let anything happen to the Squish. We'll just go talk to Ivy and come right back."

"And if she kills us?"

"Hmm. Maybe we should break the Captain out of Arkham first." The Captain actually liked Poison Ivy, although they couldn't honestly say that Ivy felt the same.

But an Arkham breakout would take time and resources they didn't have. In the end, they decided to take their chances with Ivy.