A/N: I'm back, and still in S7, this part takes place on Ep 17.

The Manly Diary of Dean Winchester

Entry 16: The Return

It's been a while, and a lot has happened, Cas was dead, Bobby was dead, and Leviathans were walking the earth. Leviathans who wanted Sam in all ways, what was worse was that Sammy was losing his mind, Hell and Lucifer was slowly taking him apart. I don't know what to do, and I hate it, what I hate more is that it was worse than I thought.

I get a call from hospital, saying that my brother was in an accident, when I get there I discover Sammy is having a full blown psychotic episode, seeing my normally strong and stubborn brother laying on the bed looking fragile breaks something in me. I leave, determined to find a cure, I'm not losing my brother.

I get to the hotel and start making calls, but they all turn up dead, after my last call ends up the same as the others, I stop for a break. Tired and frustrated I go to the fridge to get a beer, the sound of Bobby's journal hitting the floor grabs my attention, I go to pick it up and a card falls out. On it are the words Mackey's Taxidermy Shop, on the back is a number. I call and get the answering machine; I leave a message and wait. Hours later, I get a call back, along with a name

Emanuel.

Dean pulls up to the home of the supposed Daphne and Emanuel, he leans against the steering wheel staring at the house.

"Please let this be it" he whispers, before getting out the Impala.

Once on the porch, he knocks on the door, a man answers, Dean asks for Daphne and is told she is resting.

"Oh, then are you Emanuel?" Dean asked.

"I am" says the man, "do you mind if we talk on the porch, I don't want to wake Daphne"

"Sure"

The man steps out onto the porch and closes the door, before turning his attention to Dean, "Now what can I do for you?" he asked.

Before he could speak, something moves in the corner of Dean's eyes, turning his head he finds a window, the curtains were opened, showing the inside of the house. There he sees a woman tied up in a chair, he turns back to the man, the man's eyes turn ink black before he grabs Dean. There is a struggle before the Hunter is able to stab the demon with Ruby's knife. The body fall, rolling off the porch and landing at a pair of shoes, looking up at the owner Dean's body goes cold.

"Cas!?"

Emanuel says he has no memory whatsoever of his life before, but that was a lie, he does have one memory. Of a person, the person is always fuzzy in his mind, voice warped and unidentifiable in his ears. It is bothersome to be sure but it's nothing compared to the feeling that comes over him every time he thinks about the mysterious person; it is warm, bright and something else that he can't identify but nags at the back of his head. Sometimes he'll feel protective of the unknown person, wants to hold and never let go, but he also feels a sorrow, regret and fear.

He lies to Daphne about this person and his feelings, because he wants, needs to keep this to himself. This person whose face he can't see, and voice he cannot hear, is special to him

When he marries Daphne, it's because he's dependent on her and doesn't want to lose her like he's lost the special person, there is some affection, but that is all there is to be honest, and for months he somewhat content with his life that consisted of the occasional healing when he learns of his gifts. Then a man named Dean appears.

At first Emanuel thinks that this Dean is his special person, he feels something towards this man when he looks at him, but it's only when they are heading to where Dean's brother was, that Emanuel realize it's not him. The feeling he feels for Dean is protectiveness, and an affection that is almost similar but different to how he felt for his special person. During the drive, Dean asked a bit of his life, then ask if he ever wondered what his life was like before and if he was a bad guy.

"I don't feel like a bad person" Emanuel answered.

Dean doesn't say anything to that, his expression turning thoughtful, minutes go by like that before Emanuel decides to ask about the other man's brother.

"So you're brother?"

"Sam" said Dean.

"Sam" Emanuel thinks, startled when his heart starts beating faster and how the name sounded familiar to him, "what are his diagnoses?"

"Well" Dean clears his throat, "it's not exactly medical"

"That should be fine, I can cure illness of a spiritual nature" Emanuel says, a bit of excitement and eagerness seeping into his voice, he wants to see this Sam person.

"Spiritual? Okay"

Something in the man's tone has Emanuel putting all thoughts on Sam on hold and giving his full attention to Dean.

"Someone did this to him" the man said, and while his voice was calm, Emanuel can not only hear but feel the slowly simmer anger. He himself feels anger towards whoever had hurt Sam, but his anger is not like Dean's, it almost feels like he should be angry at himself.

"You're angry" the Healer says after a moment.

"Well yeah, this dude broke my brother's head"

"He betrayed you this dude"

"He betrayed Sam"

"He was your friend?" Emanuel then asked.

Dean doesn't say yes, but he's expression tells the Healer enough.

"Yeah, well he's gone" Dean then said.

"Did you kill him? I sense you kill a lot of people" Emanuel said when Dean gave him a questioning look.

"Honestly I don't know if he is dead, I just…know this whole thing couldn't get any messier. I use to be able to shake this stuff off, might take me some time but I always could—what Cas did, I just can't and I don't know why"

"Well it doesn't matter why"

"Course it does"

"No, you're not a machine Dean, you're human"

Dean says nothing.

"You're friend name was Cas?" Emanuel then said with a little smile and a shake of his head, "that's an odd name"

As they drive through the night, Emanuel turns his thoughts back to Sam, thinks over all of the feelings and reactions to the man he never meant yet he felt familiar to him, perhaps Sam was his special person. The thought both excited and terrified him.

Perhaps it's because he himself had lied, or maybe it's the tension he feels, but Emanuel knew that the demon called Meg and Dean were not friends. Glancing nervously at Dean, the Healer decided to point out the tension.

"This silence is very uncomfortable, is there something I should know?" he asked looking at Dean.

"I don't know" Meg said amused, "Dean?"

"No" Dean said after a moment's pause, "Meg has that affect, awkward, you know"

Emanuel look at Meg, "That must be difficult for you" he said apologetic.

"Dean's making a joke, Emanuel" said Meg, still amused.

"Oh" Emanuel says with a little laugh.

The rest of the ride is spent in silence; the Healer spent it thinking about Sam.

They arrive at the hospital only to discover the building is surrounded by demons.

"Oh gracious" Emanuel says shocked, Sam was in there!?

"Damn it" Meg cursed.

"How many of those knives do you have?" Emanuel then asked Dean.

"Just the one" Dean says after a moment of shocked hesitation before going back to looking through the binoculars.

"Well then, what do we do?"

"Yeah Dean" Meg said, "do you know any other way we can blast our way in there?"

Demon and human share a look before Dean excuses them and they go over to the car's trunk, leaving the Healer to look over at the demons, he hoped that the two came up with a plan soon, because he was going in, something was urging him to go in there for Sam, kept urging the longer he stood there. He wants to go in, he's not denying it, but he rather he went in armed. Pushing the feeling back he heads over to the other two.

"He could snap or who knows"

"I gather we know each other" Emanuel says interrupting the two.

"Just a dollop"

Emanuel looks away from Meg, to Dean.

"You can tell me, I'll be fine" he says.

"No" Dean said, much to the Healer's surprise, "you've just met yourself, I've known you for years"

"You're an Angel" Meg interrupts.

"Is…Is that a flirtation?"

"No, it's a species, a very powerful one"

"She's not lying, that's why you heal people, you don't eat and I'm sure there's more"

"Why wouldn't you tell me?" Emanuel asked confused, "being an Angel, it sounds pleasant"

"It's not, trust me, it's blood, it's corrupt, it's not pleasant"

"He would know" Meg chimes in, "you use to fight together, bestest friends actually"

Dean gives her a look.

"We're friends?"

The look Dean gives him, tells him, taking a deep breathe Emanuel asks the question.

"Am I Cas?"

They're faces gives him his answer.

He was Cas, he was the one who betrayed Dean, betrayed and hurt Sam

"I had no idea" he said after he calmed the panic that was swelling up inside him, "I don't remember you, I'm sorry" he said to Dean.

"Look" Meg then said with a bit of impatience, "you got the juice, you can smite every last demon in that lawn"

Emanuel…no he was Cas, turns and looks at the demons, "I don't remember how"

He hears Dean move closer to him, "It's in there" the man says, "I'm sure it's just like riding a bike"

"I don't know how to do that either" Cas said looking at the man before looking back at the demons.

Sam was in there.

"Alright" he then said, "I'll try"

Oddly enough he feels no fear as he gets closer to the entrance and the demons, a bit of nervousness yes, but no fear. Perhaps it's because his mind is focus on getting into the building and getting Sam. The first demon he approaches is wearing ambulance clothing.

"Hey, I know you" the demon says as he get closers, "you're supposed to be dead"

"So I heard" he says.

He feels what he suppose is instincts take over, and places his head on the demon's forehead, the demon gasps and bright light emerges from his eyes and mouth, with it memories. Two more demons rush him, he stops them as he did the first, and like the first another set of memories emerge.

Memories that are familiar and painful.

He kills the last demon and with it comes his finally memories, and the awakening of his grace.

"That was beautiful Clarence"

"Cas?"

The voices of the human and demon pull him back from his memories, "I remember now, I remember everything"

He wishes he hadn't.

Anger fills him, most of it is at himself, while the other is towards Dean, "What I did, what I become, why didn't you tell me?"

"Because Sam is dying in there!"

"Because of me! I shouldn't be here"

He leaves.

"Cas, Cas!"

And Dean follows.

"If you remember" Dean says as they walk up the hill, "then you know you did the best you could at the time"

"Don't defend me, do you have any idea the death toll in Heaven, on Earth?" Castiel stops and turns the human, "We didn't part friends"

"So what?"

"I deserved to die! I don't even know why I walked out of that lake alive"

"…Maybe to fix it"

Castiel sighs and looks away, Dean frowns before a thought comes to him, "Wait" he says before going to the Impala.

He opens the trunk and goes through it, emerging with the Angel's trench coat in hand, he then turns to the Angel.

"After, after you were gone, Sammy…"

"Dean"

"Shut up and listen, Sammy had hallucinations, they were easy enough to handle at the time but there were bad days. During those bad days Sam would take your coat and just cling to it. Sometimes he would even sleep with it. Wanna know why? Because it gave him comfort, made him feel protected in a way I'll never be able to make him feel. You made him feel that way Cas"

Dean hold out the coat.

"You still do"

Castiel looks at the coat then at the human.

He takes the coat.

It feels heavier then he remembers, perhaps that's just the weight of remorse he feels, Castiel looks at Dean.

"I'll be back"

In a flutter of wings he was gone.

He finds Sam on the second floor being tortured by a Demon, he shows the creature no mercy, the body doesn't even hit the floor before he's turning his attention to Sam. He turns off the machine, and takes the device off the human's hand and removes the thing from his mouth. Sam's body was still twitching, but not as violently as before.

"I should have never broken your wall Sam" Castiel said, caressing a cheek before placing two fingers on the man's forehead.

He pushes his grace through Sam's body and mind, building the wall back up and healing any physical wounds the electrocution may have caused. He removes his fingers when he is done, Sam has stopped jerking and he was panting, the human's eyes roll in the Angel's direction.

"You're not real" Sam breathes.

Castiel freezes, his grace clenching painfully, "Oh Sam, I'm so sorry"

"What the hell do you mean, 'can't'" Dean says softly from the corner where the human and Angel were watching Sam.

They were back in Sam's room, the younger was on the bed, eyes rolling over the room, and muttering to himself.

"Why not?" Dean asked, his voice was tight with held back frustration and anger.

"Because it crumbled, the pieces got smashed to dust by whatever is happening inside his mind right now" Castiel answered.

"So you're saying, there is nothing? He's going to be like this until his candle goes out?"

"I'm sorry"

Castiel looks back at Sam, watches as the human's eyes shift, suddenly it hits him, Dean is startled when the Angel suddenly moves from the corner to the bed

"Cas?"

"I have an idea" said Castiel as he sits on the bed, then turns his attention to Sam, "Sam, this may hurt, and If I can't tell you again…I'm sorry"

The Angel then hesitate before leaning down and pressing his lips against Sam's, vaguely is aware of Dean making a sound in the background.

"….Cas?"

His name was said against his lips as he slowly leans back, the voice was clear instead of desperate disbelief, Castiel gives a small smile, Dean will later call it bitter, before placing his hand on the human's head. The feel of the kiss and the sound of a voice is the last of what he'll ever feel and hear for a very long time.

Right now all he sees is Lucifer.

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